11 Ways to Improve Willpower

Featured on Elephant Journal

“Strength doesn’t come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” Mahatma Gandhi

Willpower is probably the most critical capacity we have within our powers. It is more important than intelligence, physical beauty, and even personality. People who control their emotions, their actions, and their focus are more likely to be happier, healthier and achieve more in their life.

will power
Photo Credit: Jamie King

As our Brain evolved, the new part—the prefrontal cortex, developed on top of the old limbic impulsive one. Within this prefrontal cortex lies our capacity of willpower, and there are three components here:

• “I will”-this is when you need to do something. E.g., I will get to run three times a week as part of my training program.
• “I won’t”-this is when it’s important to say NO. E.g., I won’t go out on Saturday before my Sunday long Run.
• “I want”-this is the self-awareness to remember your end goal or what you want. E.g., I have the big picture in mind that I am training for a marathon to be able to decide when I say I will and when I say won’t.

Here are several ways that we can improve our willpower:

1.Focus on one task at a time

“Concentrate all your thoughts on the task at hand. The sun’s rays do not burn until brought to a focus.”-Alexander Graham Bell

Unfortunately, Willpower is not something that we have infinitely and as such we must use it effectively, or it loses its inherent power.
The constant distractions-the Internet, email, social media and the general speed of things that happen to us have hampered our ability to focus. Multitasking sounds great, but the most successful people and the best results are obtained by those who focus on one thing at a time.

2.Self-belief

“Three things are necessary, first, backbone; second, backbone; third, backbone.”- Charles Sumner

We need to believe in ourselves as powerful creators and remove all self-doubts within us that tell us we are not capable. This belief that we are enough and able to do what we aspire to do is crucial for us to maintain our willpower.

3.Persistence

“Success requires persistence, the ability to not give up in the face of failure. I believe that optimistic explanatory style is the key to persistence.”-Martin Seligman

Persistence is the most important trait to have when staying on the path to a goal. Rarely do things pan out as planned, and there will be many temporary failures on the way, but it’s the people who have grit and real belief in their end goals who usually achieve them.

4.Meditation
There is growing evidence in Neuroscience that people, who regularly meditate have stronger willpower than those who don’t. They are better at focusing their attention, impulse control, and self-awareness. Meditating builds our mental muscles, just like when we go to the gym and build our chest and bicep muscles.

5.Response-Mode
When a challenge or a critical moment arises, then take a few seconds to respond. Take a few long deep breaths and completely relax yourself. Look at the complete picture of things and react accordingly.
Here our prefrontal cortex will communicate the need for self-control to our lower brain regions that regulate our heart rate, blood pressure, breathing, and other automatic functions.
In this mode, you have a better chance of making the right decision without being impulsive or getting emotional.
It’s the complete opposite of the “fight-or-flight” response which is helpful in certain situations when something or someone threatens our life.

6.Exercise

Exercise is the closest thing to a super drug that is readily available for everyone, and it’s free. Working out also relieves ordinary, everyday stress, acting like an antidepressant. It makes your brain bigger, faster, and more powerful. It will also make you healthier and so pave the way for you to focus better and longer on a given task.

7.Build willpower with Small exercises
We can commit to small consistent acts of self-control—not looking at our smart-phones for 60 minutes, walking with good posture and limiting our coffee intake to one cup a day.
These may seem inconsequential, but they improve overall willpower, and we get into the habit of being more mindful of our choices. We learn to pause and then choose the most difficult way rather than the easy one.

8.Stress-relief strategies
Choose the most effective stress-relief strategies that work for you. E.g., Running, Reading, Writing, Yoga, Painting, Prayer, Journalling

These strategies boost our moods enhancing brain chemicals like serotonin and oxytocin and so induce the healing relaxation response while shutting down the brain’s stress response.

These differ from the quick fix strategies like Internet, watching TV or alcohol, which release dopamine and usually gratify us instantly but leave us with a feeling of let down afterward.

9.Self-Compassion
Love thyself is the key to greater willpower. We are much better served by being kind and supportive to ourselves rather than indulging in self-pity and self-loathing acts especially in the face of stress and failure.
Forgiveness rather than guilt will help get us back on track and closer to our goals. Encouragement will strengthen our willpower and resolve the negative inner voices that drain our motivation.

10.Pre-Committing
Pre-commitment is when you leave yourself with little option to do something or not to do something. You make the conditions as convenient as possible so as not to fail in what you want to achieve. E.g., Brush your teeth right after dinner to avoid snacking late at night.
Or to make any negative behavior as inconvenient as possible E.g., many writers disable the Wi-Fi capability of a laptop when writing to avowing surfing the Internet.

In her famous book The Willpower Instinct, Kelly McGonigal gives us a brilliant example of how pre-commitment works. She explains how in 1519, Hernan Cortes conquered Mexico by ordering his men to “burn their ships.” He knew that when they faced their first battle, the crew would be tempted to retreat if they knew they had the option to sail away. So according to legend, this act of pre-commitment left his men with no choice but to go forward. After burning their ships, they had no safety net, no escape plan and the only way out was to win their battles.

11.Clear Boundaries
If we are clear about our expectations, then it becomes much easier to exercise our willpower. Set clear boundaries on how you want to use your self-control and on the outcomes that you want. Then focus your energies solely to stay within them.
E.g., I will save a thousand dollars every month towards my children’s education fund.
This example gives a clear boundary for us to use our willpower as against saying I will save some money towards my children’s education fund.

3 Steps to Live a Life of Inspiration

 

inspiration
Photo Credit: Matthew Cabret

 

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.-Zig Ziglar

In the past few months, I’ve been turned off rather than inspired by the seemingly endless onslaught from the “New Age” and “Self help” teachers that are everywhere. I feel their words of hope have been replaced by hype.

Labels and terms come and go, but little of the content that is being put out there is actually new or groundbreaking. Words like mission have become dharma, goals have become intentions and stories have replaced beliefs. Even the genre name of the industry is not fixed. Is it Self-Help, Self-Development, Self-Motivation, or Self-Reliance?

I have felt let down after getting excited and inspired by the promises that some seminars offered — when I get home, it’s as if I can physically see the energy seeping out of me. It’s the same with books — I turn the last page, and feel myself hitting a new low instead of feeling energized.

At the start of the year, I grew so disillusioned that I couldn’t stand seeing the latest sensation sitting next to Oprah on Super Soul Sunday. So I gave up on the whole New Age scene and took some time out.

I grasped that the spiritual plateau that I seemed to be stuck on was less about the so-called teachers and more about me. I wanted a quick fix solution and to change instantly, I wanted my own satori moment. I had placed the self-help gurus on pedestals, comparing everything that came out of their mouths with Jesus addressing his disciples.

I was intrigued by how differently motivation and inspiration affect our long-term behavior and results.

Motivation means we have an idea and we are going to carry through on that idea. We work hard at it, and we are disciplined Inspiration is exactly the opposite. If motivation is when you get hold of an idea and carry it through to its conclusion, inspiration is the reverse. An idea gets hold of you and carries you where you are intended to go. — Wayne Dyer

For example, I started serious writing almost 18 months ago when I was motivated by a 30-day challenge. I was motivated enough to complete the challenge successfully, which led to a writing habit and, more importantly, it got me to a place where I got that “in spirit” feeling– like a Writer’s High. I set up my own blog and started posting on social media.

But after a while I stopped writing. I was besieged with problems in my business and I couldn’t focus, and I lost my alignment.

Then one day, out of the blue, I received a random email from someone I didn’t even know who said that they enjoyed my articles and posts and was wondering why I had stopped.

I suddenly remembered that I was writing to feel inspired, to share myself with our world, and to feel the divine within me.

I remembered that one of the reasons I wake up every day is to write.

In this process of cycling between enlivenment and disillusionment, I learned that there are 3 steps you need to move through before what you hear or read can then be implemented successfully into your life:

Get Motivated

Motivation is about being pushed to do something. Whether the motivation comes from the voices inside our own heads or from the people in our lives, we are encouraged to achieve a task or a goal. Being motivated is a process that speaks strictly, and directly, to your mind. It moves us from stagnation, procrastination and helps us create habits we need in our lives.

Here we often beat our chests, psych ourselves up, and we take action without engaging our feelings. We tick our tasks and enjoy a brief moment of elation, and when we don’t do the task, we can feel let down or enter the realm of fear. We are on duty here. There is a lot of measuring, and pressure put on us from external forces.

Be Inspired

Inspiration comes from the Latin word Inspirare, which, loosely translated, means “to be in spirit” or “have divine guidance.”

Inspiration is what pulls you to become everything you felt was possible during the last seminar you loved or the book that actually blew your mind. It speaks directly to your heart. You don’t have any hang-ups about why you are doing what you are doing, you just feel absolutely right about doing it.

Inspiration is a life force that enters into you and manifests into creative genius if you allow it to. It’s a deep knowing and you feel it in your bones: it tingles down your spine and it lights you up for days on end. In this step, our heart guides us naturally.

Realign

However, in the face of our day-to day-lives, we often lose our connection to that glimpse of magic, or that tingling feeling, or the deep knowing we had. They can seem to simply fade away.

Whenever you feel like you’re trying to fulfill a quota or expectation, it’s time to realign. Whenever you’re feeling that what you are doing has lost its value, it’s time to realign. Whenever you feel like you are not enjoying your life, it’s time to realign.

Realignment is actually very simple: all it involves is drawing inward and exploring what you really want. It’s remembering the feeling you had when you were inspired. It’s constantly seeking your “why” in life, and re-aligning your actions with that “why.”

Great teachers consistently practice the skill of realignment and are constantly in an inspired flow, so that they can become vessels to serving humanity.

So does self-help, self-motivation, self-development, etc., work? YES.

The teachers, the books, and the amazing weekend experiences can give you a glimpse of what is possible and can motivate you, by talking directly to your mind. They can help start a new habit, challenge our limiting beliefs and sometimes outright inspire us.

However, ultimately it’s all about us and how much are we ready to commit to apply that change we desperately want to see in our lives?

How driven are we to follow that feeling of bliss?

How intensely do we want to live in that feeling of constant inspiration?

Now when I listen to the words of a teacher, and if their words echo my feelings, I know I need to push myself at the start and that eventually it can become the effortless flow I seek and whenever I feel I’ve lost that feeling then I go back and ask why I did it in the first place.

Second Thoughts on Valentine’s Day

Second Thoughts on Valentine's DayWhen you See Love with All your heart you shall find its Echoes in the Universe-Rumi

 

I used to look at Valentine’s Day as a kind of false occasion, something created to sell cards, gifts and countless red roses by Hallmark. I hated the fuss about it, argued with everyone about its authenticity and completely removed it from my calendar to the annoyance of the women I dated.

History, Literature and Mythology have described love to us in many beautiful ways. However, I never understood the effect of love and always viewed it something separate to me like a kind of sickness that afflicts the weak. I picked up a book describing the love communiqué between Henry Miller and Anaïs Nin and couldn’t appreciate the beauty of their words.

I read about Richard Burton’s fiery relationship with Elizabeth Taylor, but I couldn’t understand why they would fight so much and then makeup, then fight and make up again. I was thinking Richard, man up. I read of Anthony dying because he thought Cleopatra was dead, and she then killed herself because he died, and I refused to believe that such a tough general would be brought down by love. After love struck, I got a rude awakening and found out that I wasn’t as tough as I imagined myself to be. Actually I wasn’t much stronger than Bambi. I went through the full motions: the good, the bad and the downright ugly.

I survived and changed the way I looked at many things so the things I looked at changed. I had now experienced love and knew all about love.

Love is much more than pure romantic love, but it’s in romantic love that our hearts are smashed wide open, and we start feeling rather than thinking our way towards life.

Love teaches you many lessons, which include compassion, forgiveness and connection. Love shows you unlimited possibilities on how you can become a greater, bigger person.

 

When I think of love,

I think of joy but also despair,

I think of laughs but also tears,

I think of open minds allowing open hearts,

I think of big open hearts with scars and wounds,

I think of those letters between Henry and Anais,

I think of Richard Burton and Liz Taylor gouging each other’s eyes out,

I think of Scheherazade’s story-telling to charm King Shahryar not to kill her.

I think of Penelope waiting and waiting for Odysseus

I think of Anthony dying for Cleopatra and she for him

I think of Qays (majnoun) going mad for Layla

Oh, what grand stories of love we have,

If you can’t find one,

If you can’t be in one,

Then stop living now.

Go die as a love-less soul,

or even worse go live a soul-less love.

 

Unfortunately we have compartmentalised this feeling of love as if it’s only for that moment with that person, or only meant at a certain period of your life.

In reality, it’s a doorway to your heart and an opportunity to live a wholehearted kind of life. It’s introducing us to the concept that love is for everyone, in every moment and with everyone and everything.

Love opens your heart but doesn’t guarantee you won’t get hurt anymore. On the contrary, when you walk around with an open heart, you might get hurt more. It’s like removing the safety net beneath you. It’s like when anaesthesia wears out, and you feel again. Yes, it hurts but at least you know what’s going on now. Your feelings become true, real and a guide to what your heart truly wants for you.

I now feel gentler, softer and feel my heart expanding from within. I truly understand what all the fuss is about, and I finally get it that love is the universal language. I know I’m bleeding openly for many to look at, and many will find me an easy target to ridicule, put down or even hurt. It may mean a few more tears, a few more wounds or even scars, but I’m ready to put my vulnerabilities on the table.

I feel real, I feel me, and I feel good.

I reread the letters between Henry Miller and Anaïs  Nin and know that it’s only love that can create such magical words. I understood all the turmoil that Richard Burton felt in his relationship with Liz Taylor and see him as one courageous soul as not many can stay alive when a tornado meets a volcano. I get it that no matter how powerful Mark Anthony was; he was also a human being in love. The beauty of love is that it makes us all equal.

I have a renewed respect for Valentine’s Day and now feel the real outpouring of love on this special day from everyone and everything around me. I know it’s not just about that one day, but it’s a symbol of what love could be all about. I look at it as a celebration of all those who are in love, all those who were in love and all those who will fall in love.

I know that this day was also meant to acknowledge all the true heroes of love; those who had their hearts broken yet refuse to close their hearts. Those who love unconditionally not caring to be loved back. Those who get disappointed on Valentine’s day, yet ready to do it all over again and again.

I wish all true lovers a Happy Valentine’s Day as they would rather live a day in love then a lifetime without.

 

9 Ways to Make your Goals Work

“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” ― Henry David Thoreau

It’s early in the year, and I’m sure that like me, you are frustrated by the amount of articles, posts, and voices that are pushing you to set our goals for the year.

The reality is that all living things have within them a goal-striving mechanism to help in achieving their goals. It is something intrinsic and a great gift given to us to do and be more.

Animals have one goal: to survive and live, and that often involves finding food, shelter, procreating, and overcoming hazards. The squirrel goes about its goal to store nuts during the fall for the upcoming winter without much procrastination. Birds navigate thousands of miles of flying without a GPS system to arrive at their destination.

On the other hand, with humans, the goal to live means more than just mere survival as we have emotional and spiritual needs that drive us to achieve greater goals–ultimately in living fuller lives.

We are co-creators and have within us creative imagination with an instinct for success in attaining the goals.This could mean writing poetry, creating the latest app, climbing Mount Everest, inventing a machine, or attaining inner peace.

Goals are not only necessary for us to survive and live, but also to blossom and live great lives. We tend to default to comfort and rarely want to leave that space and as such live average lives instead of extraordinary ones we were supposed to live.

In early January 2013, I broke my hand in kickboxing, and I couldn’t go to the gym for a while. I put on a few pounds and was getting hysterical, so I decided to start running. I had no training, and the last time I ran, I was in college. I immediately set a goal of running a half-marathon within 6 months. I did all my research, read all the books, and created a plan.

I followed the plan religiously, often getting up at 4am and I couldn’t sleep from the pain in my knees for many nights. I persevered and succeeded in completing the run in a decent time for my 45-year-old body.

However, what I gained from the whole experience was not only the thrill of completing my goal, but also the feeling it gave me as a changed man. It made me more confident, stronger willed and left me with a new healthier way of life with running at its core.

However, as with everything we do, we humans tend to overcomplicate matters, and goal-setting becomes a concept that takes too much time from the actual process of doing and engaging in life.

Here is a list of Do’s and Don’ts in setting goals:

# Do make your Goals Specific

This is to distinguish them from a mere wish.

E.g. I want to be rich is not a goal but a mere wish but I want to make two million dollars in three years at the stock market is a goal.

#Do make them measurable

This is to track your progress and see what adjustments you need to make.

E.g. I want to run 30km this week, and I have only done 20km and it’s the 5th day of the week. I have choices on what to do for the last two days.

#Do let them push you

Goals push us out of our comfort zones, helping us with new experiences and challenges that make us bigger people. However, you have to make them also attainable, so they don’t dishearten you.

E.g. If you make $100 k a year, then an attainable goal which would also push you, would be to make $300k a year, and not three million a year.

#Do make them relevant to you

We often get caught up with what society tells us, or what our friends & family are doing. We end up setting goals that are not for us just so that we belong to our group.

E.g. A few years back, I set myself a goal of trying Para-gliding as a lot of my friends were doing it. I did do it and spend so much time, and money in getting there and I hated it from the first second I got airborne until I landed dazed and confused.

#Do set a deadline

There is a kind of magic that happens when we see a looming date coming up. It starts a chain of thoughts and events that energize you towards the goal.

E.g. I will run The New York marathon on Sunday 1st November 2015, and not I want to run a marathon next year.

# Don’t Overcomplicate & Overwhelm

We often set too many goals, and as such, we get stressed and overwhelmed and give up not only on the goal, but also on the actual process.

E.g. Failing a strict diet would make you give up not only on the diet but on healthy eating.

#Don’t feel Guilty

We often feel very guilty and let down when we don’t achieve a goal and it somehow permeates into other areas of our lives and puts us in a bad state of mind.

E.g. I missed a long Sunday run a few months ago, and I spent the whole day crying about it until my young daughter screamed at me to get a grip of myself.

#Don’t forget that it’s the process that we really love

We lose sight of the why of our goal; we totally forget why we started the goal in the first place and what motivated us to do it. Goals become chores and lose their essence as we forget that we loved that process before setting the goal.

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” ― Ernest Hemingway

#Don’t forget to celebrate

This is often overlooked but it’s important to celebrate your wins and recognize your achievements. It all fills your self-esteem container and reinforces your win into your psyche.

 At the end of the day, Goals are simply a way to ask yourself if what you are doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow.

 

Am I Onto My Bone ?

moissa

I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times. -Bruce Lee

Published in Rebelle Society:

After reading up on this New Age spirituality concept, I felt this absolute overwhelm within me.

Have I been wasting my time the last six months? I thought.

Can I get a physical pat on the back from some higher entity that would somehow direct me to the path of enlightenment?

I started my life-awakening journey almost 8 years ago and I have consumed books, ideas and teachers as if I had only a few days left to live. I really loved some of them, ditched others and bitched about one or two.

However many teachers have left their mark on me:

  • Buddha’s teachings, on the four noble truths and the eight-fold path to enlightenment. I think no other religious teacher hands power to us personally to reach inner peace.
  • Hemingway for being larger than life and showing us that life is all about real life action. If you want to write about the Spanish Civil War, and then you must go there to witness it.
  • Herman Hesse’s Siddhartha knew that essential truths couldn’t be taught; they must be learned through life experiences. His search for enlightenment echoes mine and the lesson here is that we need to balance the learning with experiencing. The river proved ultimately to be Siddhartha best teacher.

The Ideas that I loved include:

  • The Subconscious Mind; the receptor of all our feelings, habits and conditioning over the years controls our conscious mind almost exclusively. So we can’t change anything with ourselves till we address the emotional subconscious mind, which has been worked on since birth.
  • The Law of Attraction, which states you attract the essence of whatever you are focusing your energy on– whether wanted or unwanted. We create what we really want in our lives.
  • We are all interconnected in a divine matrix known as a space of potentiality. This is an intelligent field of energy, which is the source of all creation. We are all somehow connected to it, but only if we experience our true nature.

I feel I’m applying many of the above ideas in my life, yet I also sometimes feel very much lost. I feel like I need a big calling or platform to allow me to practice all of the lessons I’ve learned, otherwise I will feel aimless and lose heart.

Thoreau said: “Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.”

I need a task that is big enough for a lifetime. I need something that can get me “onto my bone.”

I need that “one thing” that can fit Deepak Chopra’s Law of Dharma measure.

This feeling of being lost and needing a way to practice these new ideas was reinforced when I met Elaine, a Reiki teacher. She had that inner glow and was insanely calm.

That’s what I need, I thought, when we first met. That’s it, nothing more and nothing less. I need whatever she’s on.

I found out that she had devoted her life to learning and teaching only Reiki. She didn’t give up and try Theta healing, which many “new age” healers have started to get into as the new thing.

She uses only Reiki to ask all her questions and to get all her answers. She uses it to grow, raise her awareness and serve people around her.

I recall a scene in the movie, The Last Samurai, starring Tom Cruise. He spends some time in a quiet, peaceful village hiding where everyone is happily and dutifully going about their tasks. The Samurais living in the village are bound by a strict code of honour and discipline, and devote their time to improving their skills. They do it mindfully, peacefully and so happily. You could almost feel their content and inner peace radiating from the screen.

How I wish sometimes that I were living in that era, and in that particular village.

It isn’t only with so-called “spiritual” people that I’ve witnessed such devotion to a calling. I have seen this inner glow in many people around me.

I have seen it with a baker, who would open his bakery at 4am and work till noon greeting every customer with a smile and saying beautiful loving words to everyone who entered his shop.

The image of the housewife who simply gets sucked into a life of comfortable pleasures and who offers little to the household was turned on its head when I met Delores. She showed me in her own way that home making was her calling. She did it with great joy and was the rock upon which her whole family and friends leaned on.

I’ve envied those with a simple life, simple needs, and those who seem to get excited about anything and everything.

I’m learning that we are all very unique and have different strengths; niches and ways that make us grow. What makes me tick is very much different than what makes 99% of people around me tick.

I do understand that the courses I’ve completed, the books I’ve read, and the lessons I’ve learnt will not automatically reveal my Dharma.

However I feel I’m missing something and it’s like I’m in the middle of the ocean and I can’t see anything behind me and there is no sign of land ahead.

I feel I’m interested in everything but committed to nothing.

What is that one particular thing that can answer all my questions?

Unless, off course, that is the whole point. That the “one thing,” my calling, my Dharma, is to be interested in everything and committed to nothing.”

That is, perhaps the fact that I’m so non-committal allows me the freedom and intuition to delve into a trial-and-error, spiritual bucket list, addressing the big questions out there for me.

My questioning might be a kind of investigative reporting, and in that way, help others around me ask and find answers to their own questions.

When I think about it this way, I don’t feel like a poor lost soul who is hung up on new age spirituality, but rather someone in action who helps others like me. As Gandhi would say, I am being the change that I wish to see in the world.

When I began considering that this was my calling, I decided to put my “one thing” to Deepak Chopra’s 3 Component Law of Dharma test. Here’s what was revealed:

Q) We are here to discover our true self and to find out that we are essentially spiritual beings having a human experience.

A) Yes. I am always asking questions and getting answers that push me towards my higher self. I do truly believe we are spiritual beings having an earthly experience.

Q) What is my unique talent and how can I express it?

A) My talent is that I’m curious and courageous enough to ask the big questions. I’m open-minded to accept new learning’s, read, and never be satisfied with one idea. This search takes me into some kind of timeless awareness of who I am and where I am.

Q) How can I serve humanity?

A) There are many people out there who are as lost and confused as I am. As I stay committed to non-commitment, I remain a receptor to new ideas and teachings, and I’m able to express and communicate those ideas outwards to my tribe.

My Dharma is to awaken to my true self, live all the experiences that are possible to me and inspire others to the same.

The questioning I do puts me on the road that leads to the biggest question of all-Thoreau’s “am I onto my bone?”

At the end of the day my “one thing” has led me to no-thing and then finally to nothing. Isn’t that feeling of nothing the essence of what all the great spiritual masters tell us we must reach?

Reclaiming My Authenticity

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”~ E.E. Cummings

As published in ElephantJournal

As I sat gazing out of my window, almost motionless and thoughtless, my mind froze and then one thought screamed at me:

What if I died today? Have I lived the life I wanted to live?

It’s no surprise that these questions came up for me a month or so after reading Leo Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilych, where the protagonist lay in his bed asking those same questions after leading a life he somehow fell into rather than one he chose.

That was almost 14 years ago, and unbeknownst to me, my claim for authenticity had begun.

Authenticity does not simply mean only being honest or having integrity—it means much more.

Maslow says: ”What a man can be, he must be.” He later went on to call this concept the need for self-actualization.

Brené Brown in her ground breaking book, The Gifts of Imperfection, says, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

For me, authenticity is our higher self crying out to be seen and heard, and constantly battling with our egoic mind, reminding us that our earthly journey is really all about our souls coming out to play, finding new ways to be and new things to experience, and to learn from those experiences.

Yet, most of us live our lives following rules and paths that don’t apply to our higher selves. We step onto the endless treadmill of life. We live by getting things done and crossing items of our to-do lists. We get caught up in the cycle of doing things for the sake of doing them.

We forget the big picture of what matters most.

We forget what makes us laugh.

We forget the sound of our heart’s pounding.

We forget the joy of play.

We even forget how to connect with each other.

Authenticity is not a trait you inherit or a quality we are born with—it’s a choice we make every day. The more consistent we are with choosing authenticity, the more quickly we will uncover what “we must be.”

Some have been blessed with finding their authenticity early in their lives, usually sparked by extraordinary circumstances.

Buddha, for example, became instantly awakened one day upon leaving his palace, when he saw for the first time the ugly realities of life. Hemingway went into the First World War as a Red Cross volunteer and came back with the seeds of the writing genius he was going to be.

My claim for authenticity is not as exciting or remarkable as the examples mentioned above, but it’s the only story that I can say much about.

These are some of the paths that led to me reclaiming my authenticity:

Reading

As simple as it sounds, taking up reading again after I stopped—because I was so serious about life—helped take me out of my closed-box mentality and show me that there are many other worlds out there. Reading showed me the many possibilities available to any one of us. It also led me to many of the things that I love today, such as writing, learning and keeping my mind open.

Exercise

I was always involved in sports when I was at school, but somehow forgot all about movement and exercise when I settled down in the “normal way of life.” Don’t ask me why. I have no real answer.

Running, going to the gym and playing soccer raises the level of my endorphins and enhances my general mood, which trickles into the rest of my life in all kinds of ways.

Being Spiritual

I’m talking about being spiritual here, which to me is different than being religious. I define spirituality as my own direct relationship with a supreme being.

We live in a world where middlemen are proving ineffective and are soon to be obsolete. As such, I will not allow any religious leader or their agents to hijack my personal relationship with a supreme being.

I understand the inherent worth of all religions and accept many of their wonderful teachings but I’m not tied down to any of their dogma.

I really believe we live more than just this one life. I see our journey as one of learning and experience, where we evolve into greater beings.

My Rituals

Over the years I have developed several habits that I do consistently, and they have proved to be the cornerstone of my new way of being.

I love getting up early to allow the sound of silence and the view of the sun rising to permeate my soul.

I spend a few minutes when I wake up being grateful for what I have from the small things to the bigger things in my life.

Sitting in stillness or meditating for 20 minutes a day cultivates the peace I need in my life to help me in my path to authenticity.

I spend a minimum of 30 minutes every morning Journaling out anything and everything—my feelings, reflections, and current thought patterns.

Solitude

I can’t say enough about how this has helped me in my life. I have learned to enjoy myself alone, reflect and analyze what is right for me.

I have learned to distinguish between the noises that torment me from the music that enlivens me.

I have started appreciating nature and being out in the open more often than not. I now love to stare in awe at the beauty of life that is around me, whether it’s a 100-year old tree or a flock of seagulls flying just above me.

Fuck Society and Its Rules

I look at what matters the most to me when deciding how to spend my day or what to do with my energy. I’ve started using Steven Covey’s principle of “begin with the end in mind” in many situations, using my authenticity and fulfillment as the goal I’m moving towards.

Why do I need to go to a dinner where all we discuss has already been discussed?

Do I really need the latest iPhone? (Yes, after seeing the new 6.)

Why are most of us defined by our work or employment status?

Why do I have to agree with a certain opinion or tradition even if I don’t care much for it?

I feel I have just started applying this principle, yet have found that it has given me freedom and power like never before.

I’m finally realizing that most of us live like sheep, not because we are happy, but to avoid disrupting the status quo of our lives.

We fight day and night to stay in our comfort zones. We crave the sense of belonging that society gives us.

Sometimes I feel we are living in George Orwell’s 1984 dystopia, and big brother is not only watching us but has already lived our lives for us.

Creativity

We are all unique individuals, and it’s through our creativity that we are able to express our true selves and allow our real voices to be heard.

I grew up assuming that creativity meant being born a Hemingway and producing a book like The Old Man and the Sea or becoming Picasso and painting Les Demoiselles d’Avignon.

Since I started getting more creative, doing small things like writing blogs and creating picture quotes on instagram, I have found inner satisfaction that has flowed into all areas of my life.

Again, the more I practice this muscle of creativity, the better I get and the more inner joy I feel within me.

So have I reclaimed my full authenticity?

Am I who I must be?

No, I’m not even halfway there.

I am sure in the coming years I will uncover many new aspects of my self. I will expand on the practices that I’m doing now.

Yet, for now, I know I’m on the right path and am enjoying the journey to my authenticity.

Every day, I look forward even more to becoming who I must be.

Open the Floodgates: Living with the Intensity of Feelings.

Photo Credit: Ty Williams/Unsplash

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.~ Maya Angelou

As published in Elephant Journal

At the core of our civilization is the expression of human emotion.

I read Shakespeare’s sonnets often, watch “Chick Flicks” without telling anyone and listen to catchy love songs that I can’t get out of my head no matter how hard I try. Sometimes, I regard my feelings with distrust, disdain and fear especially given my macho upbringing and surroundings. However, all my memories, points of interest and most importantly lessons in life seem to be intertwined with moments of intense feelings.

One time I had a wonderful run under the rain and immediately feelings of freedom, lightness and that “close-to-nature-bliss” enveloped me. Earlier that morning, I gazed out my window and noticed the way the rain danced onto the grass. I could see all this as if it was in slow motion, the drops growing in size and dropping gently, almost asking for permission to land.

I put on my running gear, and hurried outside so as not to miss this awesomeness. I stood under the covered arch in front of my house and felt the chill of the wind moving across my face and neck. Even now, when I think about that day, I can feel the chill on my face and the excitement that only “15 degrees centigrade” kind of weather can give me. I adjusted my earphones and cap and I was off, smiling away the first few kilometres. I felt the rain drizzling against my body, and I tried to sidestep the puddles that had formed on the ground. I run as if it was the last day of my life. Finally, the pain of it caught up with me and wiped my smile away. Still, it was a moment of intense joy and contentment.

The streets were completely empty then. I was immersed in a sense of liberation and freedom. It was as if I was the only one on this planet—reminiscent of a scene from the movie “Mad Max.” I felt that inner peace and power that you feel only when your soul has made contact with you. That feeling of running under the rain was so transfixing to me that now I wait eagerly for the clouds to roll in, thrilled for the opportunity to experience it again.

I sit down in the theatre with five hundred other parents, feeling totally alone in the dark and the quiet, with the formality of the setting slowly sinking in. It’s May, my son’s graduation day—a day of laughter and excitement for the kids, and an intense mix of feelings for the rest of us. I watch him walk down the aisle with 50 other students and start to tear up without warning. I look around—a few people are watching me—so I hold myself together and watch speech after speech. I feel like I’m in a daze. One of the teachers gives a great, heartfelt speech. “Where did this guy come from?” I wonder.

Next, my son wins an award for achievement, and I’m convinced this is definitely a conspiracy to make me cry. Soon after, the ceremony ends and the graduates throw their graduation caps into the air. We all applaud. People are crying all around me. We take pictures, and say our hellos and goodbyes, then drive off to the hotel where we are holding a shared reception with some of my son’s friends. The first thing I do is down a double vodka to calm me down—as if that ever works. The evening goes well, and then the speeches begin.

I can’t remember the exact words my son uses, but I will never forget the feelings I felt as I watched him in front of the crowd, so grown-up and confident. As I hug him in front of all those people, my knees go weak, and suddenly the earth moves beneath me, as if time stopped and still. That hug brought back memories mixed with the many emotions built up throughout the evening (perhaps,enhanced by a few more double vodkas).

All in all, my heart was deeply touched with a feeling that I will never be able to explain. That hug was not just a hug. It encompassed years and years of fears, love, doubts, insecurities, heartache, hope, joy, respect, and admiration. That hug was speaking a universal language understood by all. It was speaking directly to all the hearts in the room—it was a silent conversation.

“I’m leaving you,” my son was saying to me.

“I’m losing my best friend,” I replied.

“But you need to let me go. I need to start my own life, my own adventure.”

“I know. I understand.”

Kahlil Gibran writes:

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

As we slowly let each other go, I noticed tears in his eyes. Then the floodgates opened, and I cried like I’ve never cried before.

Once, I had a conversation with a woman on a flight to London. I can’t remember her face exactly, or her name, but I do remember her glittering turquoise blue eyes and her white soft skin. She was considerably older than me and I was drawn to her composure and the way the words came out of her mouth in short, powerful and meaningful phrases. She said something to the effect that life is an adventure, one that is unique and particular to every single one of us. She made me feel special and intelligent. Most of all, she made me feel powerful and like anything was possible, even at my ripe old age of forty five. I felt as if I was an anointed king going to reclaim his country. I felt that I still have many chapters to fill in the story of my life.

Our lives are defined by the moments we experience and the intensity of our feelings. How did we feel at that moment? Where were we when we felt that way? Why did we feel like that? Who made us feel them? We feel good when we are happy, joyful, excited, alive, compassionate, peaceful and full of love.

We feel bad when we are sad, hurt, tired, irritated, confused, afraid, angry and hateful. The inner labels that we give to people, places and events don’t actually refer to those things, but rather, how we feel about them. If Rome was the place I had my heart broken, then it will be etched in my heart that way, and most likely the only feeling I will get when I hear or see anything about Rome are the echoes of my pain, sadness and fear.

When I run, I feel joy, freedom and inner peace. Running becomes a symbol for those feelings. I associate running with that particular day I was running under the rain and feeling the bliss of nature. The feelings that arose from “that hug” contained both love and fear, and the mix was so powerful that I only remember how I felt whenever the image of that moment comes to mind. Not what anyone wore, not the speeches, or any of the details we had obsessed about preparing the reception for months in advance.

We live life for our feelings.

Our bodies are the vessels that carry and experience those feelings.

Our minds try to understand and decipher the feelings.

Our Spirits speak to us only through our feelings.