How Walking like a Parisian Flâneur opened my eyes

parish

But the beauty is in the walking — we are betrayed by destinations.

― Gwyn Thomas

Featured on Elephant Journal

It’s the sixth day of a writing course, and I haven’t written a single word yet. Deadline day is looming, and I’m finding it difficult to get started. Writers surround me: teachers, colleagues and weird people in cafes. I’m in Paris for God’s sake! This is where everyone gets inspired to write. I’m away from the stress of my business and the mundaneness of my life. The environment is perfect for writing.

I read somewhere there is nothing like writer’s block, but rather it’s when there are deeper issues that trouble us which then impend our freedom to write.

I take a break from staring at the blank computer to get some fresh air and decide to take a walk to clear my thoughts, and without knowing where I’m going. The sun sets late in the Parisian summers and the long days make walking not just appealing but also soul nourishing. I decide that there will be no writing today and that thought alone frees me.

I wander through the streets of Paris like a true flâneur —a term coined by Charles Baudelaire. It means to saunter through the city aimlessly experiencing it through our senses, removing ourselves from the world and putting ourselves into the heart of a city and becoming one with it.

I find myself in front of the Jardin du Luxembourg. The gardens are spread over many acres. All kinds of flowers bloom in different colors, offering differing scents that urge creativity whenever you breathe. I look around and see people laughing, children playing and lovers kissing. Most of all I see and feel life, and it’s everywhere. No one seems to care that I can’t write.

The gardens are full of pigeons that look merry and busy. One approaches me and turns its head towards me, and it must be the fattest bird I’ve ever seen. I’m sure it’s all the croissants and baguettes the birds get to eat when people flock to the gardens. This big one looks me straight in the eye as if mocking me, then hops away, too lazy to fly off.

I walk towards the huge colonnades of trees on the other side. The gardens in front of the trees are beautifully mowed and look like one big green carpet. I look at the trees now directly above me, and a slight breeze brushes my face. I’m in complete awe of this moment, and I feel all the stress I’ve brought over with me, slowly dissipate into the thin air.

I’m feeling much better now and continue my discovery of Paris, and I’m astonished how history finds me on every road, nook and alley of this city and I find myself outside the University of Paris-Sorbonne, where Victor Hugo and many other notable figures went to.

I take a right at the end of the Pantheon and walk for a while to find myself in Place Contrescarpe. I’m in front of a Patisserie Pascal Pinaud, and a strawberry tart jumps out at me. I sit down for a coffee and the sugar that I crave.

On my right, an old lady is reading an English book and she smiles at me. I ask her if this was the area that Hemingway frequented and she points out to a plaque that is approximately twenty metres away, which shows where Hemingway lived with Hadley, his first wife when they moved to Paris.

I recall how one day my son asked me why my sudden passion for writing. Was it out of loneliness? Perhaps, but maybe, I finally reached a time when I couldn’t bottle up any more of my thoughts, feelings and words and they had to come out.

I had lived most of my life pursuing success, money and prestige. I had been like a robot using only my mind to keep my feet firmly on the material side of life while ignoring my heart. Writing seems to have been something that lay dormant in me; it was hidden deep in the crevasses of my heart, waiting to explode like a wild volcanic eruption.

At first, I started journaling early in the morning, trying to decipher my dreams and to look at my previous day’s actions. However, it then grew into something much more, helping me to look at my feelings and how they affected my actions.

I have been transformed emotionally and slowly releasing myself from the shackles that have held me back since childhood. I’ve started aligning my feelings and actions. The more I do that, the more I feel free and the closer I get to my true self. And the further away I get from my old inauthentic ways of living.

I think about Hemingway and how he would write early in the morning before hitting the cafes. I loved the way especially in those early Paris years how dedicated and passionate he was to become a great writer. It was true he loved to drink and have a good time, but many forget the hours he “bled on the typewriter,” and the joy he got after writing a few good hours.

It must have been a wonderful time to live in this part of Paris surrounded by the”lost generation”–the many writers, poets, painters and musicians that would shape our world for the next hundred years.

I turn around to say goodbye to the old woman, but she has left. I get up and stroll around to notice a vendor wearing dark trousers and a navy blue shirt with a short apron on top. He is beaming, and his smile is not only inviting but exudes joy. He talks in rapid French to a couple of locals, and I can’t understand a word. He holds a purple aubergine in his hands, and I imagine he is explaining how fresh it is (having just received his consignment only a few hours ago) and how best to cook it.

He does this with such passion that I want to buy the aubergine, myself, even though I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I just keep watching him for a while as he connects with people. He obviously loves what he is doing.

I am envious—I want to be free enough to get lost in the present moment. I wonder if writing could become the platform that would make me feel authentic to myself, where I could finally lose my analytical thoughts and become more present.

All the walking not only cleared my mind but allowed many new thoughts to surface. I was now having a hard time containing all my thoughts.I enter one of those quintessential Parisian cafes, La Gueuze, and bring out my laptop to capture my thoughts.

I sit next to three youngsters drinking beers that are larger than their backpacks. Everyone sits facing the outside; it’s like no one in Paris wants to miss out on what’s happening out there.

I sip my glass of Bordeaux and wonder if this is how my future is going to be, walking, discovering cities by foot and then sitting in cafes writing all about it.

The 5 Ways Vulnerability Changed My Behaviour And Improved My Life

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’-

Alfred Lord Tennyson

Featured on Elephant Journal and The Brazen Woman

I was giving a seminar on the power of the mind. In the end, I was asked if I was able to change my behaviour with the knowledge I had just imparted upon my students. I paused and gave a weak reply. The truth was I hadn’t changed much. This happened almost six years ago.

However, all that changed when I watched Brené Brown’s TED Talk The Power Of Vulnerability and when I read her book The Gifts of Imperfections. I instinctively knew that this was the missing piece in the puzzle.

Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is the core, the heart, the centre, of meaningful human experiences.” She continues to say that “Vulnerability isn’t good or bad: it’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience.”

At age eleven, my innocence was shattered due to a Coup d’état in Ghana. I had to leave my comfortable, sheltered life, my friends, my school, and my environment. I found myself in a new country, England, with few people like me, and few who liked me.

I quickly learned that, to fit into my new environment meant not to share any dark emotions like fear, shame, grief or disappointment. I had to show that I was tough, cool and almost perfect.

Simply put, I could not be vulnerable and I had to close my heart to protect myself. In doing so, I not only closed myself to the dark emotions but also to the lighter ones and I carried this way of being subconsciously well into my forties.

Until we break down those hardened walls that have been built inside our hearts for so long then we are not capable of being vulnerable enough to be able to change.

These are the five ways that becoming vulnerable transformed my life:

1. Emotions add a charge to thoughts resulting in Action

A thought without emotion is like a bird without its wings. It’s not going to get very far.

As I began to understand the power of vulnerability, I started delving deep into my core using journaling as a tool to dig deeper and deeper into my heart. I learned to access the full range of my emotions so that I could process both pain and joy.

I faced my deepest fears revisiting my past, questioning my beliefs. I got so emotionally fired up that I would regularly cry during my early morning runs. I didn’t know then that I was slowly breaking the impenetrable walls that I had built since my school days teardrop by teardrop.

I recognized that the power of the mind and willpower were sometimes not enough to effect lasting change. The emotions are the “why” of an action; they charge a thought, magnifying its impact substantially. Guilt and disgust at knowing what I needed to and yet not doing so triggered me into action.

2. I am capable of Love

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”- Brené Brown

The more I faced my fears and shed the layers of emotions that were weighing heavily on my heart, the more I loved myself. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves, and so only in loving myself was I capable of receiving and giving love.

My relationships improved and I started trusting people much more. It was like a new world had opened up to me, one that was shut off for a long time. I understood that love is something that we nurture like everything else in life and it doesn’t just magically appear and disappear with a flick of the fingers.

3. I recognize Compassion

 “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognise our shared humanity.”– Pema Chodron

I started to understand what compassion meant and to put myself in the shoes of others for the first time in my life. I was always so self-involved that it was difficult for me to fathom people’s actions and accept them for who they are. But with vulnerability, I accepted myself more and I now see people in a different light as if they were my brothers and sisters.

Three years ago, I started a foundation, Born to be free, where we look after fifty impoverished kids. We take care of their schooling, train them in soccer and teach them basic life lessons. We are giving them options that poverty has taken away from them. Their stories are heartbreaking and relating to them keeps me grounded and keeps me human.

4. I am much more Connected

“The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”- Brené Brown

In his book Social Intelligence: Daniel Goleman explores how the latest findings in biology and neuroscience confirm that we are hardwired for connection and that our relationships shape our biology as well as our experiences.

How can we connect to each other when we have erected barriers inside our hearts?

I now share and give much more of myself and my thoughts, through my talks, writings and most of all my actions.

Also I now accept from others, something, which proved difficult at first, as I wanted to do everything alone, and to feel superior about it. I wanted to feel like I didn’t need anyone.

However, energy has to travel both ways before we can call it true connection.

5. I now understand Shame

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable—it’s the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy.”- Brené Brown

The feeling of shame is universal and if not identified can lurk within us and control our actions and non-actions. Shame makes us feel unworthy and convinces us that we are incapable of doing anything. It grows in silence, secrecy and judgement often leading us to deception, lies and other destructive behaviours.

There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is about who we are. E.g., I am bad. Guilt is about our behaviour. E.g., My behaviour is bad.

Though guilt is a dark emotion, it could be used as a catalyst to initiate change in our behaviour. Shame is much more dangerous as it says we can do little but accept how bad we are and it pushes us into withdrawing, hiding, or instead trying to appease someone when we shouldn’t or worst of all by attacking others to hide our shame.

My art teacher scolded and embarrassed me in front of my classmates when I was thirteen years old and as a result of that I shut the door to my creativity for almost thirty years, ashamed of ever bring up the subject or even daring to enter into the realm of creativity, while convincing myself I was more of a science person. However I’ve now found my creativity through writing and it’s exactly the goodness that has been missing from my life for so long.

Vulnerability is not weakness but rather a path to opening our hearts. When we start to trust our hearts, all fears dissipate and we start accepting that we are imperfect beings living in a not so perfect world.

To live with our hearts open, carrying our wounds and scars with us is very scary but the alternative of not doing so is much scarier.

Vulnerability is the only way to live a full, courageous and authentic life. This is what being human is all about.

7 Questions That Help Us Delve Deep Into Knowing Thyself

know thyself
Photo Credit: Mi Pham

Published by Elephant Journal

A journey of self-discovery is also one of self-enquiry, so the more information we gather on ourselves, the clearer we become. When we are looking for a partner, we ask everything about them: from their likes to their dislikes.

We want to know every little detail; what excites them, what puts a smile on their face, what makes them tick.We become curious about the books they read and the movies they watch; we crave to become aquainted with everything that makes them who they are.

However, when it comes to ourselves, we presume we know it all, without dedicating enough time and effort to research ourselves. We allow the world to judge us, give us titles and names that don’t apply to our true selves. We end up being tagged and put into a compartment that isolates us for many years and stops us from finding what our true aspirations are.

What were we like when we were growing up?

What interests or practices do we completely lose ourselves in?

What are our strengths and weaknesses? And most importantly what are our aspirations—How do we imagine our lives to be?

Often, the quickest way to get to know ourselves is when we face a traumatic situation, or when our backs are against the wall, or when we are thrown in at the deep end at a new job. Our ego is cast aside as we need to learn quickly about ourselves and handle the emergency on hand.

However, most of the time that’s not the case, and we need to be proactive and stir the pot to start discovering who we truly are by simply asking meaningful questions about ourselves.

“Know Thyself” was inscribed in the temple of Apollo at Delphi, almost three thousand years ago. The wisdom of those two words still speaks loudly today.

I’ve found that when we take some time off, preferably for a few days to sit alone and analyse ourselves as we would on any other subject, we get to know a lot about ourselves and kick-start an adventure of self-discovery that lasts a lifetime.

These are some tests and questions to start the process:

1) Do a Personality test.

The Myers-Brigg test is not the only way to analyse our personality, but it’s been used extensively in the corporate world for almost fifty years now and gives us a fair idea of who we truly are.

There are many variations and sites, but I’ve found the 16personalites.com to be a good one.

It wasn’t until much later in my life that I did the Myers-Brigg personality test and found out I was an INTJ–an introverted thinker who needs a lot of time alone to be able to recharge my batteries.

That was in complete contrast to how I was living, and it banished the thought that I was weird and different to others, and I finally understood why I craved solitude, even though I could be quite extroverted in small doses.

2) What are our strengths?

Positive Psychology has dominated our lives for the last few decades, and it’s simply the study of what makes us happy and the activities that we can do more off to infuse that spark in our lives.

Martin Seligman is the founding father of Positive Psychology and his insistence on finding our strengths and maximizing them has supported the self-help field that is so prevalent today.We need to discover our strengths and try to find ways to activate them in our lives and contrastingly not to focus on our weaknesses but just manage them.We need not glorify our weaknesses.

His now famous VIA signature strengths test has been completed by millions.

My top strength turned out to be my love of learning, and it explains why I’m happy to be continually learning even in my mid-forties. My second strength was the curiosity I have for the world which validates my longing to travel and to understand everything the world has to offer. My third strength is wisdom, which comes as no surprise since my first existential questions started when I was ten.

3) What are our core values?

Values are core beliefs that we have developed over the years. They are the ethics that we feel so strongly about and the points of view that we find ourselves arguing for in conversations. They are what drive us from the minute we open our eyes, till the moment we sleep.

Our beliefs are often complicated by our upbringing, society, and the effect that the media has on us, and as such we need to dig deep and find what truly are our values. We should avoid the ones that would make us fit in with our peer group and rather choose what is authentic to us.

I’ve found the short E-book, Aligning with your core values by Tim Brownson to be very useful in identifying my values.

I’m very clear on mine after years of defining them by learning and looking out for what I feel strongly about. My values include self- control, growth, freedom, wisdom, inner peace, creativity and authenticity.

4) Who do you look up to? Who are your mentors? Who inspires you?

I appreciate social entrepreneurship and what it offers to the world because it covers most of my values. And as such I’m always inspired by people who create ingenious ideas to give back to our society.

Muhammad Yunus, founder of Grameen Bank also won the 2006 Nobel Prize for his efforts in providing microcredit loans to those in need to help them develop financial self-sufficiency in poor developing countries like his home country Bangladesh.

I also admire my late grandfather who would act like a modern day Robin Hood by asking for money from the wealthy and then buying essential foods, and personally delivering to all the poor and homeless in Tyre, Lebanon. He wore the same clothes, drove a very old car and continued doing what he did well into his eighties.

5).   What makes you happiest in your life? What excites you? What do you do that makes you feel invincible?

When I’m sitting alone, and I’m writing a poem or prose, it comes naturally and deep from my heart, and I know my words will touch many hearts, that is when I’m at my happiest.

I believe in the power of words and the effect they can have on inspiring people and when I see people inspired to change and to claim their authenticity then that makes me feel invincible.

6) What careers do you find yourself dreaming of?

I dream of impacting the world with my writing the way Rumi, Kahlil Gibran, and Ernest Hemingway have. Their words touch people’s hearts and are immortal, affecting generation after generation. Their writings and words are a pathway to reach our souls, and that’s the path I want to be in all my life.

7) If you were able to be a member of the audience at your own funeral (in 100 years or so) what would you want to hear people say?

I want people to say that I’ve inspired many to find their rightful paths—their long road back to their hidden inner beings. I want to be remembered for leading the authenticity revolution amidst the clamor and noise for living other people’s lives and values.

I want to be known for waking people up to the simple fact that it’s not always about the money, the success and accumulations of possessions and achievements. Rather in the words of Abraham Maslow, I want everyone to “become who they must be.”

My Rules of Engagement

My Rules of Engagement
Photo Credit: Aaron Burden
My Liberty means:
  • Not infringing on my right to choose, from which country to live in, to which ice-cream flavor I like.
  • Not pushing me to second-guess my decisions, even though I wasn’t certain the first time round.
  • Not forcing me to justify my actions, over and over again.
My Freedom means:
  • Allowing me to make decisions that are right for my soul, even though they could be wrong for your EGO.
  • Recognizing not to compromise my values, interests, and principles.
  • Respecting my carefully drawn out boundaries.
  • Not impugning on my time, no matter how futile you think I spend it and no matter how little I give it.
My Intentions are:
  • I will be present and mindful rather than succumb to my thoughts.
  • I will enjoy what I’m doing and not focus only on achieving.
  • I will rather get challenged than be comfortable.
  • I will rather get engaged than oblivious.
  • I will use my imagination to create rather than become creatively impotent.
  • I will praise ten times to every one time I criticise.
  • I will not judge anyone but be willing to accept.
  • I will work towards Compassion rather than indifference.
  • I will follow my true path and not the path of others.
  • I will learn like a scavenger looking for learnings everywhere I can.
  • I will commit to growth as if it’s my sole intention for living.
  • I will serve mankind as if every single one is part of my family.
  • I will care for the environment as if it was the home I built with my own two hands.

Fixed vs. Growth: The Two Basic Mindsets That Determine Our Lives

mindset
Photo Credit: srednja.hr

I advised my friend not to praise her daughter for being smart or special but rather for the effort she puts and the endeavour she shows. She snapped back, saying her daughter was smart and exceptional.

My friend was offended by my words, thinking I was putting down her child, but I was just trying to offer some advice on parenting, something I’ve learned never to do again.

I thought that I had just discovered the elixir of parenting and wanted to share that wisdom with my friends. I had just re-read Carol Dweck, remarkably insightful book–Mindset: The New Psychology of Success — an inquiry into the power of our beliefs, and how changing our most simplistic beliefs can have a profound impact on our lives.

In Dweck’s research, she found how we view our personality and how we live it out, at a very young age, determines our attitude to almost everything in life. And that we fall, depending on our beliefs, in one of two camps:

A)Fixed Mindset

Those with a “Fixed Mindset” believe that our character, intelligence and creative ability are traits we are born with and no matter what we do, they can’t be changed in any meaningful way–so we either have it or we don’t.

The ramifications of this is immense: Thinking that our intelligence can’t be improved, we’re always trying not to look dumb. It leads to focusing on easy stuff and avoiding the challenges that stretch our comfort zone. We become the ultimate big fish in the small pond.

The “Fixed mindset” people are always seeking approval and for people to affirm their opinions and ways. They crave being special and so find shortcuts to be seen as smart, rather than putting in the effort to do so.

And as soon as failure arrives as it surely must, they are devastated and find it hard to recover from the setback of losing a job, a promotion or getting unexpected low SAT scores

A kid who is smart in grade 3 and knows it, as everyone including his parents keep telling him so, will start resting on their laurels and slowly close their minds to new learnings. And even worse, they would equate their effort with something that smart kids don’t do and so doing extra work is an act that is beneath their original selves.

“Their only goal is to look good.”

B) Growth Mindset

Those with a “Growth mindset,” believe that, with effort, they can change their character, intelligence and enhance their creativity. They thrive on challenge and see failure not as being unintelligent but rather a stepping stone that is needed to grow and change.

They are open-minded, humble and are always willing to work on the beliefs that are holding them back to be able to learn and grow. They develop a passion for learning that serves them for the rest of their lives.

Here, the “Growth mindset” people don’t deny that there are others who are born with a natural talent or that some people are ahead of them in the game, but they know that through learning and effort, anything and everything is possible.

“Their only goal is growth.”

The Mindsets presented graphically:
taschen_informationgraphics10
Photo Credit: Nigel Holmes

Dweck quotes one seventh-grade girl, who captured the difference beautifully:

“I think intelligence is something you have to work for … it isn’t just given to you.… Most kids, if they’re not sure of an answer, will not raise their hand to answer the question. But what I usually do is raise my hand, because if I’m wrong, then my mistake will be corrected. Or I will raise my hand and say, ‘How would this be solved?’ or ‘I don’t get this. Can you help me?’ Just by doing that I’m increasing my intelligence. “

5 Things I would Tell My 20-Year-Old Self

Published By ElephantJournal

“It takes a very long time to become young.”
― Pablo Picasso

I was going through an old picture album of mine and a picture caught my eye. I was 20, had a look that I was about to change the world, and yet I find myself at 47, struggling to change myself let alone the world.

I was overcome with nostalgia and some pangs of regret, as I wondered how I would have fared at 20, but with the mind and the experiences of my 47-year-old self. Would I have done things differently? Would I have been someone better and had achieved more?

I’m sure I wouldn’t have arrived at how I think today without the mileage and experiences of the last 27 years. Hindsight always makes the past look worthless and ignores the fact that you made choices with what you had and knew.

Logic and reason often discourage adventure and as such it would have prevented many of the rich experiences I had between 18-20. Would I have jumped off the cliff and into the Andaman Sea in Krabi, Thailand? Or stand up for a friend when attacked by a group of thugs and get badly beaten but ultimately feeling good as I was the only one who stood up while the rest ran away.

However, I’ve also discovered that several concepts when learned well at a young age, would add more to your artillery in facing the world as a 20-year old.

1)The earlier you “Know thyself”, the better

These two words are inscribed in the temple of Apollo at Delphi, almost three thousand years ago, and their wisdom still speaks loudly today.It’s essential to get to know your strengths, weaknesses and what you like doing. Do a strengths test, the Myers-Brigg personality test and ask your family and friends to guide you in knowing yourself.

It wasn’t until much later in my life that I did the Myers-Brigg personality test and found out I was an INTJ–an introverted thinker who needs a lot of time alone to be able to re-charge my batteries.

It was in complete contrast to how I was living, and it banished the thought that I was weird and different to others, and I finally understood why I craved solitude, even though I could be quite extroverted in small doses.

2) Challenge your comfort zone

Think of every successful person in any area and the chances are they all have one thing in common–from a young age, whether through circumstance or design, they had hunger and grit instilled in them, by continually pushing themselves out of their comfort zones.

Complacency creeps into our lives especially when we don’t challenge ourselves, and as we remain comfortable in our surroundings we feel at ease, and our performance becomes ordinary but never extraordinary.

Richard Branson’s mother left him to come back home alone; a thirty-minute walking distance, after a Sunday picnic, when he was only four years old.

At twenty, I wish I had run a marathon, climbed Kilimanjaro or taken a gap year exploring the world with only a backpack. These adventures would have certainly stretched my comfort zone and enriched me with wonderful experiences.

3)The Fear of missing out(FOMO) is nothing but an act of the mind.

FOMO is only a fear that the mind plays on you. As you get overwhelmed with a lot of choices, you can’t decide what’s right for you. However, when you become the only source of your self-worth, rather than pleasing others or being the cool dude, then your fears slowly disappear.

I spent a lot of my college days missing some lectures, not connecting with my family and not having enough time for myself, all because I didn’t want to miss out on what my friends were doing. I wanted so desperately to belong.

The reality is that when you miss one party, or you don’t like playing cards, but your friends do. You won’t miss much; you won’t lose yourself and your friends won’t suddenly dump you.

4)Find your creative self-expression

Find a creative pursuit that piques your interest, something that you are willing to spend enough time to be good at. It could be writing, painting, landscape photography, or surfing big waves, and make sure it becomes your own thing where time just simply passes by as you are “in the zone.”

Here, you would self-express and allow your inner self to come out and meet your outer world. It’s where all the stress of impending exam results, job interview replies and end of year business results fade away if only for a few minutes a day.

At the age of 40, I found writing and it’s that one thing that I’m willing to put in long hours so that I become good at it. I’ve pushed my comfort zone in joining groups, taking writing lessons, taking time off to write daily, all because my heart smiles when I share my inner self with the world.

5)Money doesn’t matter, but it also does.

It’s important that you understand and define your relationship with money. Money is important but only as a tool, and you must remember that it’s only a means to an end rather than the end itself.

Don’t make the reason you want to earn money so that you can get the yacht, the penthouse in New York or the Chanel bag. Rather the reason to make money should only be a measure of the success of your career or the business you’ve set up and want to grow. Money should be able to gauge where you are and how far you want to go.

Money can give you comfort, security, and make life fun but it will never give you satisfaction or infuse meaning into your daily life.

I learned this lesson the hard way as I faced a traumatic time in my life when within six months, my business was nearly bankrupt, and my nephew suffered a near fatal accident.And It wasn’t till then that I truly understood that life was not about money but all about self-growth and contributing to society and you don’t need money for either of these.

I wish I knew all these concepts when I was 20, as it would have accelerated my growth and given me more time to make a difference in this life.

And if these words don’t reach me in my next life as a 20-year-old, then I’m hoping it could at least reach one 20-year-old in this lifetime.

We Need to Reinvent our Lives When our Excitement Fades and We Become Stagnant

We Need to Reinvent our Lives When our Excitement Fades and We Become Stagnant

 

The world keeps changing. It is one of the paradoxes of success that the things and the ways which got you where you are, are seldom those that keep you there. — Charles Handy

As I review my year and my life, I keep asking the same question over and over again. What am I committed to this year and for the next several years that will make me want to wake up every morning with a gusto of energy and a smile that allows me to discover my aliveness?

I’ve found that for us to be energised, we need to constantly re-invent ourselves as well as our lives. We need to take on new challenges and differing roles in our life. We need to shift focus to something new or renew something old as soon as we feel our energy supplies dwindling.

I’m not preaching that we should live hedonistically chasing every whim of sensual pleasure that we feel and abandon projects, people and hobbies when we get bored or uncomfortable. Rather I’m saying that we should be aware of the plateaus that are present in our lives and notice the stage when we become stagnant and stop growing.

We live out our lives in stages, and if we don’t adapt to our feelings, environment and results, then we will end up moving away from our true self and what we were meant to be and do. Accordingly, as we get older, we will become bitter and frustrated.

All things in life occur in cycles, and as nature always shows us best, most things don’t grow linearly but rather cyclically-the light from the day contrasts from the darkness of night.

“Change like seasons is inevitable.
No season is permanent.
Opportunities and needs, like seasons, wane as a new one begins.
We can be purposeful, anticipating change and navigate the differing phases of our lives.
Or ignore it allowing circumstances to impose its change on us.
We live our lives in seasons.”

The need to re-invent ourselves is championed by the concept of “The Sigmoid Curve,” written about by Charles Handy in “The Age of the Paradox,” in 1994.”

The Sigmoid curve is a mathematical concept developed by Handy, and it confirms the cyclical nature of everything we do in life from our relationships, careers, business lives to our personal growth.

Sigmoid Curve
Sigmoid Curve: Illustration of the stretched out “S” lying on its side with the 3 phases

A)The Learning Phase

This is at the bottom of the S, and it rises slowly, often dipping before starting to grow. It’s the initial phase of learning; the first few months of a business start-up, the first few months of a new career, or just after the honeymoon period is over, in a marriage.

At this stage, there is a lot of hard work, and no initial wins to appreciate and little sign of growth. It’s here where we need the persistence and belief to push through the hard times.

Typically, this is seen in a business start-up, with founders working 100-hour weeks in the basements or garages of their homes for months on end. They are driven by the belief that they are onto the next “New” thing in the Technology world, living off hot coffee and cold pizza, with no income in sight.

B)The Growth Phase

There is a sharp rise in the S shape, and now things are moving quickly, the start-up is growing fast, career promotions are coming through quickly. Or we start to enjoy our relationship as it matures, and we understand each other much more.

The start-up is now buzzing, with many people on board and it’s now recognized and appreciated by many people around silicon valley. Suddenly many venture capitalists want to invest; talented people are ready to work with them, and the press wants to report their success. There is real growth and maturation in this phase.

C)The Decline Phase

Here the line drops as the S shape begins to fall. Things start to get mundane, uninteresting and what was effortless becomes hard work. Energy level drops as we lose the excitement of the initial stage, and we then lose focus. Things have stalled and need freshening up, and this decline can occur within a business, our careers or in our marriages.

In the start-up example, expenses shoot up, while revenues drop as the novelty of the start-up’s products have worn out, and competition has caught up, what was once an inspiring environment to work in becomes like any other place. The start-up reaches its crossroads, and now everything is questioned.

The trick is to negotiate the phases at the right time and avoid the decline phase. As the picture below illustrates, we need to jump off the first curve before it hits its peak and start on something new at the start of a new curve.

 

However, this is no easy task as history has proved. From the decline of the Roman Empire, the fall from grace of Tiger Woods and the disappearance of Kodak, have all shown us that the biggest risers can fall quickly and never be able to recover.

We can’t rest on our laurels for too long at the first stage as we often don’t have the energy or know-how to change direction when we arrive at the final decline phase. Our momentum stalls and what made us great at the initial stage no longer works and needs to shift drastically.

We didn’t invest enough time, resources and energy in thinking about the future and preparing ourselves to jump onto the next stage. There is often ambivalence, doubts, and fear of doing so and as such we find ourselves stuck in that initial stage afraid to leave our comfort zone and of taking the next new step.

However, when looking at most successful people and businesses, it is precisely that courageous move that keeps them at the top. It is their willingness to push their comfort zones, aim higher and have the self-belief required to jump at the right time.

The successful people are ready to reinvent themselves and adapt to the ever-changing environment always following their excitement and being strong enough to kill off what doesn’t serve them anymore.

3 Ways to Infuse Presence into Productivity

moissapresence

Published by Elephant Journal

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.”-Annie Dillard

I’m sitting in the shade, facing the pool. The sky is cloudless, blue and the sun is scorching from hot.The warmth of the atmosphere coupled with a slight breeze that brushes my face and the back of my neck gives me the feeling of inner peace and contentment.

This feeling is one of almost perfection as suddenly the yellowness of the leaves, that are barely hanging from the tree, captivates me.I get lost in them, focusing on their deep colour, their shape, the different sizes and how they connect to the branches.I start imagining how they were a month ago and then what I see and had imagined blend as I lose myself in deep, focused thoughts.It feels like pure ecstasy.

This is being present in the moment. There is no rush to do something else or be somewhere else but just simply being in whatever the present moment provides. There is no portraying, striving or stressing. This moment is eternal, almost complete.

Then I catch a glimpse of my laptop; I remember that I’m supposed to write an article today. I have to write an article today.I have committed to posting once a week, and I have a few hours left before the day ends. And all of a sudden, all the ecstasy and joy encapsulated in that perfect moment dissipates from me and the sense of calm I had disappears. My shoulders tense up, my neck hardens, and I’m as stiff as the tree in front of me.

This is the challenge we face when presence meets productivity.Can we be both in life? Is it also possible to do both at the same time?

On the one hand, to be in the present is when we are most at peace and closest to our souls–the goal of living. But on the other hand, being present won’t pay the bills. And to live solely on our senses and to keep doing what feels good, or what feels comfortable very often leads to laziness, frustration, and disenchantment.

It’s rather being productive and taking action that can put food on the table and help us grow as human beings pushing us from being too soft, and directing us into having a more meaningful life.

However, when we are too productive and analytical, we are in danger of becoming too mechanical, joyless, and we get sucked into doing things just for the sake of doing them and so, do nothing meaningful that nourishes the soul.

We need to infuse presence into productivity so that we live a rich, happy life that also pushes us to grow. We need to find ways to cultivate practices that help us focus our presence on activities that we like, that are creative and that encourage us to express ourselves fully and as such connect to our souls and the rest of humanity.

“There is no shortage of good days. It is good lives that are hard to come by. A life of good days lived in the senses is not enough. The life of sensation is the life of greed; it requires more and more. The life of the spirit requires less and less; time is ample and its passage sweet.”-Annie Dillard

These are the three best ways to bring presence into productivity:

#1 Set systems and not goals

Let’s focus on creating a system where we do an activity regularly that will increase our state of contentment in the long run, regardless of the immediate results. Writing for a set time every day will ultimately lead to authoring a book, writing many articles, but this system won’t have the stress and pressure that a set goal would bring with it.

It’s true that we won’t know if the system works or not in the short run.And we won’t get the adrenaline rush of completing a goal, but at least, we are getting a predictable supply of happy moments and avoiding the disappointment of not achieving the goal.

For example, I enjoy writing, and whether it’s for my journal, blog or a published article, then it doesn’t matter as it’s the act of writing that I love and what gives me contentment. As opposed to the pressure and stress that setting a goal of writing an article a week would have on me without a daily writing routine to support me and especially when I find myself with a deadline looming with only a few hours left.

Setting a system allows us to become both present and productive as within the daily practice we get into the “flow”,and after so many hours tallied, there will be a substantial amount of work produced, and before we know it, we have so many articles ready. We are focusing on an action we can control, rather than some outcome in the future that we can’t.

#2 Take time and Focus on the details

We are always in a rush to finish things so that we go to our next task or next meeting, and we don’t give enough time to our tasks at hand or study the specific details that concern them. We don’t engage well and as such we can’t enjoy the activity at hand.

The more time and focus we spend on an activity, the better we become at it. And the better we become at it, the more joy we derive out of the practice, which then leads us back to spend more time on it.It’s like a recurring circle where focused time leads to loving it and then back to more focused time on it.

It’s also important to note that as we deepen our practice and get involved in the minutest of details, then we improve the quality of our work, and intensify the sense of meaning we derive from the practice.

#3 Avoid the distractions

The distractions are everywhere nowadays, from our phones, computers, and the myriad of sophisticated ways that marketers reach us. And to remain in the present requires us to protect our time as if our lives depended on it. And as such we need to be pro-active in reducing the distractions that come into our lives.

It’s important to do so as they take us away from being present, leaving us feeling frustrated, often disempowered preventing us from doing our planned practices, so we end up being neither productive nor being present.

When we do, set a regular system where we do become productive and at the same time find the presence of mind to be mindful of our time, and then we are indeed living a life of meaning and contentment.

Whether we are writing for three hours, presenting a new marketing concept idea that will rock our boss, or sitting in three-hour long traffic, then the current moment must always feel like the most important moment.

The Power of Solitude

solitude
Photo Credit: Pablo Basagoiti

As Published by Elephant Journal

“I never found a companion that was so companionable as solitude.”-Henry David Thoreau

Solitude is a lost art in our fast and furious modern lifestyles where we are connected to the world instantly, have little time for ourselves and are busy tweeting our every thought and act.

I have recently embarked on a love affair with solitude; something I never knew I craved till I discovered it. Now, I feel I just can’t get enough of being solitary to the chagrin of my family and friends.

I don’t want to be a monk, a hermit or someone who is trying to run away from the vicissitudes of life, but I’ve found great solace in what Wordsworth called the ‘bliss of solitude’.

There is a big difference between solitude and loneliness as explained by Psychology Today:

“Loneliness is a negative state, marked by a sense of isolation. One feels that something is missing. It is possible to be with people and still feel lonely—perhaps the most bitter form of loneliness. Solitude is the state of being alone without being lonely. It is a positive and constructive state of engagement with oneself. Solitude is desirable, a state of being alone where you provide yourself wonderful and sufficient company.”

Solitude does not include being alone while watching TV, reading books or surfing the internet. It strictly means being alone with ourselves and our thoughts or better still, being alone with no thoughts.

For me, solitude simply put, is a spiritual rendezvous between our souls and us. It’s when we get to meet and talk with our genuine true selves.And from those wonderful trysts, many benefits have come to me:

1) Calmness and Tranquility

The moments I have alone every morning, remove all the tension and stress that have built up over the previous days. This feeling of solitary bliss allows me to sit alone and be steadfast as thoughts and urges of what to do next come to me, as I try to let them quietly go.

There is no noise to distract me, there are no demands on me, and there are no expectations of me when I’m alone. I’m not under pressure to do or be and as such I have this feeling of relief that then permeates my whole being and as such I find myself calmer more times than not.

2) Contemplation and Reflection

“The quieter you become,the more you can hear”-Ram Dass

As we sit alone and listen to our thoughts, we begin to see them for what they are. When you want to get to know someone better, the first advice we get is to spend quality “alone” time with them and yet we ignore that when it comes to spending time with ourselves.

The more hours we spend alone contemplating, the better we get to know ourselves.We start seeing where we have gone wrong and what steps we need to take to correct our behaviours. We look at the grand scheme of things and become clear on what matters to us and not what matters to people and society.

3) Appreciation of Life

In solitude, I often find myself appreciating the people and things in my life as when I’m alone I truly see their worth. I often practice what the Stoics called “Negative Visualisation” which simply means to visualise our lives without the people we love, without the things we love to do and without the small things that we have in our lives.

I find this contemplation very positive as it makes me appreciate much more what and who I have in my life. I often call or connect to my loved ones very quickly after this practice.

4) Creativity

“You need not leave your room. Remain sitting at your table and listen. You need not even listen, simply wait, just learn to become quiet, and still, and solitary. The world will freely offer itself to you to be unmasked. It has no choice; it will roll in ecstasy at your feet.”-Franz Kafka

Solitude and removing ourselves from the noisy activity of life is the bedrock of creativity, as we start hearing our thoughts, and reach deep into ourselves to find our true voice.

The deeper we reach, the more likely we are to meet our muse, and suddenly wonderful ideas and insights appear magically. The time we spend alone also helps us cultivate the ability to focus for longer periods and as such I find I do my best writing after long periods of solitude.

Einstein, Goethe, Kafka, Tesla are only a few of the many greats who changed our world and being alone played a big part in their creative process as great ideas would flow to them during solitude.

5) Isolation from other’s influences

No matter how we look at things, environment and people do affect us. We intend going for a short lunch and before we know it, plans change and friends want to do something else, and now we are under peer pressure to spend more time with them instead of the time we wanted to spend alone.

However, if we truly have started practicing solitude and start valuing our alone time, then we find ourselves strong enough to say no more times than we would have said yes.

It’s like we have to be alone and it becomes an inner need that must be fulfilled every day, and when we cultivate a friendship with our genuine true self, then we find that it is quite demanding and possessive of our time.

There are many ways in finding the time for solitude, and I’ve found it by rising early, and just before the sun comes out is a beautiful time to be truly alone.

I’ve also found long walks to be a great way to spend time alone, and whenever I’m in a big city where walking is easy and practical, then I would walk either through the big parks or discover the city itself.

Also being out and about in nature, whether living on a farm, beach, river, in the countryside or going on weekend retreats to get away from the hustle and bustle of the city is a great way to get solitude.

We need to enjoy our own company more as at the end of the day, and at the end of our lives, we would have spent the most time with ourselves.

We need to be proactive to schedule time with ourselves alone as the more we sit and get to know our souls better, the more purpose and alive we will feel.

The 5 People I Want To Spend The Most Time With

The 5 People I Want To Spend The Most Time With

Published by Elephant Journal

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”― Jim Rohn

I was very irritable, had little tolerance and was getting frustrated very easily.My meditation was not as smooth as usual, and I was struggling to recall any of my dreams. This had been going on for a few days, and I didn’t know why.

Then it hit me; I had been spending a lot of time with an old-time friend, who was staying with me for a while. He was negative, cynical and sapped all my good energy. His attitude had slowly permeated my being and had triggered remnants of my old cynical self, and that didn’t bode well with my new being and hence the frustration and irritability.

As social creatures, we tend to adopt the characteristics of the groups we are part of and start to behave in the same way. We influence and get influenced by the people we spend the most time with, and we pick up both good and bad behaviours from each other

“If you are a human, then the biggest influence on your personality is your peer group. Choose your peers. If you want to be better at math, surround yourself with mathematicians. If you want to be more productive, hang out with productive people…”-Mudos Ponens

Quantum physics says we are made up of energy, and when we collide with another body of energy that is in sync then the result is constructive but when an we collide with another that is not in sync then the opposite happens, and results are usually destructive.

I have found that the below five kinds of people are the ones I would like to surround myself with:

1)The Relentless Over-Achiever

It’s good to be around this kind of people as they are always upping the ante and pushing themselves out of their comfort zones. They are constantly asking questions and are never satisfied.

They are not motivated by doing good and helping us but only by pushing themselves and as such their hunger and relentlessness is contagious and they will end up pushing us hard.

I used to be an average tennis player when I was 12, till I met Brad, who was relentless and would keep pushing his limits. I was his practice partner in summer camp and his enthusiasm rubbed off on me. I came back after the summer a much better player and managed to reach the final of our school’s tournament.

2)The Natural Born Optimist

These are the ones who are always smiling, happy and often drive us nuts by the simplicity of the way they look at things and to them, everything has a silver lining. They celebrate small wins like winning the lottery and quietly dismiss the negative things out of their lives.

They are often a breath of fresh air and being around them just lifts all the gloom and doom that our minds are busy creating. They brush off disasters quickly and readjust their lives without much fuss with an attitude that is pure gold.

3)The Unconditional Giver of Love

These would typically include family and close friends.They offer us unconditional love similar to that of a mother’s, allowing us to be ourselves all the time. They tap into and constantly fill our tanks of self-esteem.

They don’t necessarily push us or get us out of our comfort zone but they are always there and offer pure, unadulterated love. And life has shown me that we can’t be or do anything when we are lacking love.

My family and the close friends provide this kind of support and love that I constantly go back to time and time again.Their mere presence makes me feel good, rejuvenates me so that I’m ready for my battles ahead.

4) Virtual Teachers

These are people who become our teachers and heroes through books, blogs, movies, podcasts and stories. They offer us great wisdom and knowledge that help us grow and widen our horizons as we see, and feel their different experiences.

For me, they are as real as the real people who are in our lives.I have spent hours and days reading Hemingway and he’s had more of an effect on me than some people I see everyday.

The teachings of the Buddha, the Bhagavad Gita, Herman Hesse’s Siddartha and Leo Tolstoy’s Ivan Illich have also left a profound effect on me and were the reason I managed to crawl slowly out of my box.

5) Our Higher Self

There is no greater feeling than that of connecting with our higher self. It’s that feeling of total inner peace and tranquility that can’t be matched in the outside world.

Solitude and spending time alone give us a chance to get to know our higher self much better. It’s often difficult in our world of fast and furious to be alone and to be able to connect but if we want to up the average, then our higher self must be part of the five people.

Using meditation, writing and mindful moments like watching a sunset, I connect well with my higher self, even if fleetingly.However, the insights that I gain and the peace that I reach stays with me long enough to guide my lower self to its rightful path.

I don’t think we are exactly the average of the five people we spend time with, but we need to be aware and understand how different kinds of people can affect us.We must remain proactive in surrounding ourselves with the right people.

And That also includes people who we must avoid, like friends or family who have become toxic by constantly bringing us down through nagging,putting us down and through taking so much out of us.