I leave the office slightly earlier than usual, and I look forward to my evening swim when the clouds overhead darken. As I prepare to wear my swimming trunks, I notice small drops of rain start to fall. At first, it’s only a drizzle but then the tiny droplets transform into much bigger ones. I quickly pull up my chair, roll up the window blinds and start watching the rain splash down onto the pool, the surrounding tiles and the garden outside.
The rain continues to fall, and I ponder on a recent book I read, the biography of Nietzsche–I Am Dynamite! by Sue Prideaux. For all his genius Nietzsche died not only not having not achieved any of his ambitions, but he also lived the last 11 years of his life in a mental asylum.
Life is truly heartbreaking. Many of us don’t achieve our dreams; we suffer from the day we are born till the day we die. It’s like we start full of love and hope and then slowly life drains away all our love till we end up feeling out of love of ourselves and the world.
Nietzsche through his many illnesses and madness still found the focus and thinking that would go on to inspire generations of thinkers, including Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, Herman Hesse, long after his death.
Most of the extraordinary people are very much like us, ordinary for 97% of their lives but the difference is that they become extraordinary for the remaining 3%.
We might struggle with our lives and we may not emulate some of our illustrious heroes, but we all somehow leave our imprints onto the world.
However, all we need to do is intensify our focus and raise our game for some of our living hours—3% of our lives—to etch our names in history. Just like Nietzsche, Freud and Hesse.
My travel date is fast approaching. For some reason, I begin to worry and fret. I start postponing everything I’m doing or I need to do till I return. It’s as if the world stops because I’m travelling in a few weeks.
The funny thing is that I don’t have a fear of flying. Travelling to Paris on a writing course will be exciting, fun and rejuvenating. It’s more like a journey of self-discovery than a holiday and its something that I’ve always wanted to do. I’ll be alone for a month without family, friends or the worries of work that I’m glad to leave behind.
What is it that makes me so anxious and worried about my impending travel date? Is it my deep-rooted fear of getting out of my comfort zone? Or perhaps my fear of uncertainty, which allows my mind to wander about the future and picture different scenarios and situations?
It’s probably both of which drive my monkey mind into overload and lets my thoughts go to my memories where I judge my previous actions and reactions or project forward, analyzing what kind of mishaps and problems await me.
The identification with our thoughts is a tiring process and the more we complicate our lives and busy our minds, the more restless we become. To make matters worse, we become aware of our thinking and overanalyzing, and this makes it even more exhausting.
We need to remind ourselves that we are not our thoughts, which can often appear from thin air and disappear almost as quick. The best way to stop going back to the past, or project to the future is by focusing on the present–Practice Mindfulness.
This is when we zero in on the present thing that we are doing, such as watching a sunset, playing with our children or writing poetry where we lose ourselves completely and every minute becomes joyful and soul nourishing. Time just stops and nothing else matters. There is a stillness and a certain form of inner peace engulfs us. We stop talking to the outside world and more importantly we stop listening to our incessant inner voice.
According to Thich Nhat Hanh “Mindfulness begins with an awareness of the simplest action: breathing in, knowing that you are breathing in; breathing out, know that you are breathing out.”
These are the things I do that have helped me become more in the now:
1) Meditation
I’m no Meditation expert, but my practice has helped make me more peaceful, less stressful and much more mindful. I use the breath technique, which is not too complicated. I sit still for twenty minutes first thing in the morning.
I’m not always successful as thoughts do wander in but completing my practice every day is a discipline that sets my day on the right track and becomes the support for the rest of my conscious, mindful acts during the day.
2) Mindful moments
I’ve consciously set out to have more presence in my day-to-day life, where I try to lose myself in sporadic moments throughout my day. This not only makes me feel good immediately but also has a compounding effect on the way my mind learns not to jump from one thought to another.
For example:
I set my alarm for three different times in the day where I stop whatever I’m doing and take ten deep conscious breaths.
Whenever I see the birds flying above, I stop and take a few moments watching them fly in absolute awe.
If I’m lucky enough to be in a city with a lovely sunset, I make sure I witness its splendor.
Every time I drink an espresso (3-4 times a day), I don’t do anything or think of anything. I inhale the aroma of the coffee, I sip it slowly and I savour every moment of this.
3) Doing one task at a time
“Just focus on the next hour, the next thing, the next task. Do it will all your heart and do it until the end.”
This little trick has been advocated since time immemorial from Benjamin Franklin to Warren Buffet. It simply means don’t multitask and start by doing the most difficult task first and only when finished with the first task, should you move to the next one. I do this till I finish all my designated tasks for the day and I try to keep my tasks as few as possible so as not to exceed three per day.
4) Reading Fiction or Poetry
“Reading is the sole means by which we slip, involuntarily, often helplessly, into another’s skin, another’s voice, another’s soul.” -Joyce Carol Oates
I love reading fiction, especially the epic novels like Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes, and Moby Dick by Herman Melville. I also love the works of: Tolstoy, Murakami and Hemingway. No matter how stressed I am in my life, it all just slips away when I lose myself in a great story where I’m transported to other realms I never knew existed.
Reading poetry by Rumi or Gibran especially at night before I sleep or any of the sacred texts like the Bhagavad Gita allows me to connect deep into my being, compelling me towards my inner hidden truths. This puts me in such peace that I wake up with my mind completely serene.
5) Strategically schedule emails, Internet use and social media
Getting notifications of email, instant messages and social media on our phones is not the ideal way to calm our swaying thoughts. They add fuel to the fire and keep us hooked into the never-ending information loop which gets us addicted to our phones or computers making us anxious and edgy.
We need to be disciplined and smart in how we control technology rather than allowing it to control us. It’s not easy, but the best way I’ve found to take control is by scheduling my use. I check emails, social media and use the Internet only twice a day; late in the morning and late in the afternoon for a limited time of 30-45 minutes.
Our state of being is intimately connected with our minds. We can’t stop the triggering of unhappy memories, self-critical thoughts and judgemental ways of thinking, but we can stop what happens next.
The more we put ourselves in that present moment, the better chance we have of calming our minds and relieving the anxiety and worry that surrounds us.
‘Drink your tea slowly and reverently, as if it is the axis on which the world earth revolves – slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future. Live the actual moment. Only this moment is life.’ – Thich Nhat Hanh
After my third reading of Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, I closed my eyes, drinking in the words and thinking of how these words had unconsciously influenced my self-discovery journey.
I’m certain that everyone needs to embark on a self-discovery journey in his or her lifetime. After all, isn’t that our ultimate purpose in this physical world?
Going to school, finding a great job, parenting, setting up businesses, creating art and admiring beauty are wonderful things, but they are only the means for us to live our journeys.
The end-goal will always be freedom. Freedom to live the way our hearts desire. Freedom to discover who we must become. Freedom to ask why we came into being. Freedom to change our lives and start again, if we are not satisfied.
We tend to lose track of our freedom and get distracted by our fears, circumstances, and the society. We allow the noise around us to drown the whispers that speak of our inner hidden truths.
This is why it’s so important to take a step back every now and then, review our lives, and question our life’s philosophy. Why are we here? Where are we headed? What are the obstacles standing in our way? Can we change our direction?
In The Slight Edge, Jeff Olson argues that:
On its way to landing astronauts safely on the surface of the moon, the Apollo rocket was actually on course only 2 to 3 percent of the time. Which means that for at least 97 percent of the time it took to get from the Earth to the moon it was off course. And it reached the moon—safely—and returned to tell the tale. The Apollo, at the time, was one of the most sophisticated, expensive, and finely calibrated pieces of technology ever devised and was always correcting its own off-course errors twenty-nine minutes out of every thirty.
We always need reminders to keep us on track. We need to be more like the Apollo and constantly correct our course. The three books summarised below are the ones I read regularly so that I’m nudged into self-correcting my direction, path and journey.
1. Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse
“I shall no longer be instructed by the Yoga Veda or the Aharva Veda, or the ascetics, or any other doctrine whatsoever. I shall learn from myself, be a pupil of myself; I shall get to know myself, the mystery of Siddhartha.” He looked around as if he were seeing the world for the first time.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha
Siddhartha leaves his home and family in search of enlightenment and starts as an ascetic wandering beggar of the Shramanas. He then meets and learns a lot from the Buddha but he believes that everyone needs to learn by his experience. He cannot accept the Buddha’s teachings even though they are full of wisdom.
Siddhartha renounces his spirituality by falling in love with a beautiful courtesan called Kamala. She introduces him to a merchant called Kamaswami, Siddhartha learns the trade and becomes incredibly successful as the years go by. He now becomes materialistic, starts to gamble and loses his way and his sense of purpose.
One morning after waking from a dream, he reflects upon his life and realizes he is tired of his present life and that he has discarded all that was valuable within himself.
He leaves everything behind and finds himself sitting in front of a river. He befriends the ferryman, allowing both the ferryman and the river to become his spiritual teachers. It is here that he becomes enlightened and learns that all his feelings, experiences and sufferings are part of a great fellowship of all things connected in the cyclical unity of nature.
He now understands that one’s path in life is not only about seeking but also finding. We can learn from great masters like the Buddha, but we can’t mimic their lives, rather, we apply what we learn to our experiences and feelings.
The true Nirvana is by understanding that only the “Now” exists, and the past and future exist only in our minds.
2. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
“When you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”-Paulo Coelho
Santiago, a young shepherd from Andalusia embarks on a journey after having a recurring dream where a child tells him to seek a treasure at the foot of the Egyptian pyramids. He travels far and wide, learns a lot from different teachers while meeting obstacles. He finally discovers the treasure he was looking for was underneath his bed in his village the whole time.
The underlying message in the book is one of hope and that all roads would eventually lead to a single path that takes us towards our “Personal Legend” or our freedom.
Life is about the journey, the process, the means and not necessarily the outcome. It’s about walking our path, one that we need to create and craft on our own, without any influence from our environment. The book teaches us that the real treasure lies in our hearts thus there is no need to go outside to search for treasure.
The only path to freedom is through our inner world.
3. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull by Richard Bach
“You have the freedom to be yourself, your true self, here and now, and nothing can stand in your way”.” ― Richard Bach
Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a parable about a seagull who works hard to become the best flying seagull within his seagull community. He withstands being shunned and ridiculed for his dream, and keeps on pursuing this dream driven by his inner craving to be authentic.
All he wants is to be free in order to be himself. He knows there’s more to life than eating and surviving like all the other seagulls and he’s determined on becoming the best flying seagull ever.
Jonathan listens to his inner voice and senses that freedom can only be had by the pursuit of perfection in flying. He continues to follow his path despite the odds, and is courageous and dogged in his pursuit of freedom of his true self.
Every time I re-read any of these books, I’m reminded that I need to seek and find my path, my road less travelled—My freedom. The numerous teachers and heroes around me can inspire me, but I can’t follow their paths.
I am a unique living being and I have to create my unique Path. It won’t be given to me or handed down to me, but it’s for me to forge it, working with the raw materials of whom I am and the understanding of why I came into being.
I was giving a seminar on the power of the mind. In the end, I was asked if I was able to change my behaviour with the knowledge I had just imparted upon my students. I paused and gave a weak reply. The truth was I hadn’t changed much. This happened almost six years ago.
However, all that changed when I watched Brené Brown’s TED Talk The Power Of Vulnerability and when I read her book The Gifts of Imperfections. I instinctively knew that this was the missing piece in the puzzle.
Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is the core, the heart, the centre, of meaningful human experiences.” She continues to say that “Vulnerability isn’t good or bad: it’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience.”
At age eleven, my innocence was shattered due to a Coup d’état in Ghana. I had to leave my comfortable, sheltered life, my friends, my school, and my environment. I found myself in a new country, England, with few people like me, and few who liked me.
I quickly learned that, to fit into my new environment meant not to share any dark emotions like fear, shame, grief or disappointment. I had to show that I was tough, cool and almost perfect.
Simply put, I could not be vulnerable and I had to close my heart to protect myself. In doing so, I not only closed myself to the dark emotions but also to the lighter ones and I carried this way of being subconsciously well into my forties.
Until we break down those hardened walls that have been built inside our hearts for so long then we are not capable of being vulnerable enough to be able to change.
These are the five ways that becoming vulnerable transformed my life:
1. Emotions add a charge to thoughts resulting in Action
A thought without emotion is like a bird without its wings. It’s not going to get very far.
As I began to understand the power of vulnerability, I started delving deep into my core using journaling as a tool to dig deeper and deeper into my heart. I learned to access the full range of my emotions so that I could process both pain and joy.
I faced my deepest fears revisiting my past, questioning my beliefs. I got so emotionally fired up that I would regularly cry during my early morning runs. I didn’t know then that I was slowly breaking the impenetrable walls that I had built since my school days teardrop by teardrop.
I recognized that the power of the mind and willpower were sometimes not enough to effect lasting change. The emotions are the “why” of an action; they charge a thought, magnifying its impact substantially. Guilt and disgust at knowing what I needed to and yet not doing so triggered me into action.
2. I am capable of Love
“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”- Brené Brown
The more I faced my fears and shed the layers of emotions that were weighing heavily on my heart, the more I loved myself. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves, and so only in loving myself was I capable of receiving and giving love.
My relationships improved and I started trusting people much more. It was like a new world had opened up to me, one that was shut off for a long time. I understood that love is something that we nurture like everything else in life and it doesn’t just magically appear and disappear with a flick of the fingers.
3. I recognize Compassion
“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognise our shared humanity.”– Pema Chodron
I started to understand what compassion meant and to put myself in the shoes of others for the first time in my life. I was always so self-involved that it was difficult for me to fathom people’s actions and accept them for who they are. But with vulnerability, I accepted myself more and I now see people in a different light as if they were my brothers and sisters.
Three years ago, I started a foundation, Born to be free, where we look after fifty impoverished kids. We take care of their schooling, train them in soccer and teach them basic life lessons. We are giving them options that poverty has taken away from them. Their stories are heartbreaking and relating to them keeps me grounded and keeps me human.
4. I am much more Connected
“The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”- Brené Brown
In his book Social Intelligence: Daniel Goleman explores how the latest findings in biology and neuroscience confirm that we are hardwired for connection and that our relationships shape our biology as well as our experiences.
How can we connect to each other when we have erected barriers inside our hearts?
I now share and give much more of myself and my thoughts, through my talks, writings and most of all my actions.
Also I now accept from others, something, which proved difficult at first, as I wanted to do everything alone, and to feel superior about it. I wanted to feel like I didn’t need anyone.
However, energy has to travel both ways before we can call it true connection.
5. I now understand Shame
“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable—it’s the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy.”- Brené Brown
The feeling of shame is universal and if not identified can lurk within us and control our actions and non-actions. Shame makes us feel unworthy and convinces us that we are incapable of doing anything. It grows in silence, secrecy and judgement often leading us to deception, lies and other destructive behaviours.
There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is about who we are. E.g., I am bad. Guilt is about our behaviour. E.g., My behaviour is bad.
Though guilt is a dark emotion, it could be used as a catalyst to initiate change in our behaviour. Shame is much more dangerous as it says we can do little but accept how bad we are and it pushes us into withdrawing, hiding, or instead trying to appease someone when we shouldn’t or worst of all by attacking others to hide our shame.
My art teacher scolded and embarrassed me in front of my classmates when I was thirteen years old and as a result of that I shut the door to my creativity for almost thirty years, ashamed of ever bring up the subject or even daring to enter into the realm of creativity, while convincing myself I was more of a science person. However I’ve now found my creativity through writing and it’s exactly the goodness that has been missing from my life for so long.
Vulnerability is not weakness but rather a path to opening our hearts. When we start to trust our hearts, all fears dissipate and we start accepting that we are imperfect beings living in a not so perfect world.
To live with our hearts open, carrying our wounds and scars with us is very scary but the alternative of not doing so is much scarier.
Vulnerability is the only way to live a full, courageous and authentic life. This is what being human is all about.
Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. Benjamin Franklin
I am a born-again writer, and it’s been nearly three years since I started to write. Writing was a passion that had lain dormant; it was hidden deep in the crevasses of my heart, waiting to explode like a wild volcanic eruption.
This love affair with writing has taken me from depressing lows that I can’t wish on anyone to ecstatic new heights. It’s a love story that can rival that of Henry Miller and Anais Nin.
My journey started with writing my “Morning Pages” as heralded by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way. I would decipher my dreams and go on to analyze my previous day’s actions and take a deeper look into the fears that were holding me back. It also allowed me to celebrate my wins and constantly reminded me of why I loved myself.
Writing has transformed me and released me from the shackles that have held me back since childhood. It has led to many of my spiritual trysts where I meet my true self and feel the power of grace within me. It has penetrated deep into my soul, always asking and forever searching for the best way for me to be authentic.
I am still in my toddler years as a writer, but already writing has taught me many lessons that I can apply in my life. It has stripped me of my arrogant egoic ways and taken me out the closed-box mentality that was me for so many years.
These are the lessons that I’ve learned from writing:
1. Pain is part of life and nothing to fear.
“When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.” —Kurt Vonnegut
Writing is often painful, gut-wrenching, energy sapping and can ruin self-esteem. I hate it when I don’t write as the thought of not doing so hangs over me like a shadow, judging me, labelling me as a loser. I hate it when my mind compares the normalcy of day to day things like doing errands, earning a living, and socializing with the power and allure of doing something I love.
“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”- Ernest Hemingway.
Writing is simple but not easy. I hate it when it’s so hard that words get stuck in my throat, chest and heart and their flow from mind to fingers typing away become restricted.
However, the rewards and personal growth I do get from writing makes up for all the pain. It has shown me that pain is often the doorway to awareness and change in our lives. It’s something that’s more powerful than happiness.
How can we grow without pain? What kind of life is living without heartache, tears and blood?
2. Vulnerability is power
“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” -Virginia Woolf
Writing has allowed me to understand why being vulnerable makes me a better man. I am eager to share my thoughts, travails, and success. I want to be heard, and show my true self to the world.
I’ve let down the heavy armour I’ve worn since my adolescence and unveiled my emotional fragility. I now recognise that vulnerability is not weakness but rather, a great power that makes us more connected to others and more engaged in life. I want to feel my way into life, rather than sit behind a mask watching life pass me by.
“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” John Steinbeck, East of Eden
The thought that there is no perfection in life has liberated me as I now appreciate that life is about being present and being ourselves.
Vulnerability allows us to dig deep into ourselves leading us to our core where all uncertainty, excitement, and meaningful experiences exist. We have a better chance of unravelling the gems that hide beneath the many layers of our ego.
3) Self-Discipline and Grit protects our passion.
“At its best, the sensation of writing is that of any unmerited grace. It is handed to you, but only if you look for it. You search, you break your heart, your back, your brain, and then — and only then — it is handed to you.”—Annie Dillard
We need a strong will and discipline in life to be able to achieve our goals. People assume that just because someone enjoys whatever they are doing means fewer hours of hard work. On the contrary, the people who enjoy what they do and are good at it, whether that’s writing, singing or starting a new business have the steely determination to put in the hard hours.
They realise that the sense of joy will follow when they remain disciplined and committed to that practice. And that the muse will only appear when we prove our diligence and focus deeply on the practice at hand.
The discipline instilled within allows us to turn failures into stepping stones and rejection becomes a detour to bigger and better opportunities.
I’ve had to sacrifice certain things in my life, like social activities but I’ve optimized my life so that I can focus more on my writing. Now, things that don’t mean much to me are slowly losing their value and fading away from my life.
4) Joy is a state of being
“It’s the most satisfying occupation man has discovered yet because you never can quite do it as well as you want to, so there’s always something to wake up tomorrow morning to do.”—William Faulkner
Writing has led me to several experiences that I call spiritual ones. I find myself in “flow” where time just passes and I can feel my heart is singing. The joy I get from completing my job is something I can hardly put into words.
This kind of joy is not like fleeting moments of happiness but something more, an overlying feeling that encapsulates my being, arming me with a deep knowing that I matter in this world, that I belong and most importantly that I am loved.
Listening to some soft classical music and writing early in the morning when I’m all alone before most people are awake remains one of the most joyful experiences that I achieve.
5) The universe is mysterious and on our side
“Understanding is not a piercing of the mystery, but an acceptance of it, a living blissfully with it, in it, through and by it.”—Henry Miller
I often get a thought, an idea on what to write about. It’s usually a question that I want some answers for in my own life. I set an intention to write, for example, about Emotional Intelligence.
Suddenly my mind is flooded with new and different ideas. Also links, books and emails arrive serendipitously to aid me in writing my piece. It’s like the Universe has been invoked to come to my help.
I often start writing about a topic and find myself writing something completely different to what I had intended. I read it again and again and it’s like someone else was writing and it’s a new insight that I never thought about before I started typing away.
6) Serving Humanity makes us grow
“You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.”F. Scott Fitzgerald
Writing has taught me that we all have something to say, something to give and a role to play in life. We are all somehow, connected and as such the more we do give back, the more we grow as human beings.
We often look at the famous writers, billionaires, and social entrepreneurs and think that they are the ones whose duty is to give. We shun our responsibility to give back and more importantly lose the opportunity to grow as human beings.
Writing an article that inspires one person to pursue change and become a better person is as necessary as Bill Gates pledging billions to help eradicate Malaria in Africa within a generation.
The lessons I’ve learned in writing apply to whatever we choose to do in life, whether that’s setting up a business, singing or working at a job we love.
Life is all about finding the platform where we become our authentic selves, which allows us to explore our potential, get us out of our comfort zones so that we can grow in serving humanity.
“Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way”
― Mavis Mazhura
I was sitting in a school board meeting. Things were getting heated; Voices were being raised and heads were shaking as egos battled it out and there was no agreement on the proposed motion. I was agitated and felt wronged as my opinion was being ignored. I was ready to scream at the next person who would speak out.
Suddenly, Tim, who was usually quiet, spoke up. His voice was soft, calm and yet assertive. We all kept quiet and listened as he continued to moderate our arguments and followed up by explaining each viewpoint. Within thirty minutes, we all came to a consensus.
Tim was “Emotionally Intelligent” and I was not.
This concept of emotional intelligence was championed by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., a well-known writer and researcher on leadership who wrote the best-seller Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.
He went on to confirm why many people with a high IQ were outperformed by many with good social intelligence in the workplace, schools and homes. Emotional intelligence is something that is intangible and difficult to measure. It is a road map to achieving the results we want in our life and can lead us to live a fulfilling life.
What exactly is Emotional Intelligence? Psychology Today says it’s:
The ability to accurately identify your own emotions, as well as those of others.
The ability to utilise emotions and apply them to tasks, like thinking and problem-solving.
The ability to manage emotions, including controlling your own, as well as the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.
However, for us to understand Emotional Intelligence then we need to embrace the five components below:
Self-Awareness
People who are self-aware understand their emotions and as such don’t allow themselves to let their feelings get out of control. They reflect on themselves regularly, recognising what they are good at and what they aren’t.
They know when to maximise their strengths and how to manage their weaknesses so it doesn’t hold them back. They appreciate that there is nothing called perfection and admit their vulnerability, and take responsibility of their mistakes as much as their successes.
In Brené Brown’s TED Talk, the Power of Vulnerability, she explains how embracing our imperfections raises our self-awareness.
2.Self-Regulation
Self-regulation is where we manage and control our emotions, moods and reactions. These people take a few deep breaths to think before reacting and as such respond much better to challenging situations.
They don’t allow anger, jealousy or some other form of fear to affect their decisions and are conscious of their reactions knowing why they reacted in a certain manner. They are comfortable saying no, and lead well-balanced lives. They usually eat well, get plenty of sleep and have many interests outside their work or relationships.
In the above example at the school board meeting, Tim displayed his self-regulatory way of thinking by not only controlling his emotions but being able to direct all of us to an agreement.
3.Motivation
This is the ability to push ourselves towards our goals, harnessing our emotions to take action, commit and follow through with them.
Self-discipline and willpower are important attributes of their character as they are willing to forgo instant gratification for long-term results. They are highly productive, effective and positive about life and don’t allow people or situations to bring them down. They are very much results-oriented.
Tony Robbins is a world renowned motivational speaker and author. He has authored many self-help books, including Awaken the Giant Within. I’ve been to one of his events, Unleash the power from within, and I can confidently say he’s one who lives by what he preaches. His ability to push his fans to achieve goals is matched only by what he’s done in motivating himself.
4.Empathy
This is the ability of people to not only listen to others but also to discern and understand people’s feelings to such an extent, that they put themselves in the other’s shoes. They don’t stereotype and judge but rather are willing to accept all kinds of opinions and viewpoints. They are open, honest and have a great ability to manage relationships.
Mother Theresa, Gandhi, and Dalai Lama are great symbols for empathy, but there are many around us, who often surprise us with how genuine and empathetic they are. They make us feel safe, heard and that we do matter in this life.
5.Social Skills
These are the team players, who park their egos aside and focus on developing others instead. They are great communicators, manage disputes and are great at building and maintaining relationships. They adapt quickly to situations and aren’t afraid of change and are curious about life and what it has to offer.
My colleague Allison displays this kind of leadership; a smile is always on her face, making it easy for anyone to approach her. She continually asks of the well being of her staff and is the first to praise them for doing a good job yet she knows how and when to criticize them.
Emotional intelligence is something we can learn and cultivate in our lives. We are usually stronger with one aspect than the other but we can develop all five so that we become better leaders of our lives, whether at our workplace, our home or our environment.
It can also help guide us in any circumstances we find ourselves, whether we are bankers, business owners, mothers, friends, artists or people living simple lives traversing the joys and vicissitudes of life.
It’s not something that is easy to accomplish within a few months but rather it’s a journey over many years. It’s a roadmap of “How” to live our lives, rather than the “Why” or “What” of life.
“Every man is what he is because of the dominating thoughts which he permits to occupy his mind.”-Napoleon Hill
She was late for dinner. Immediately, my thoughts spiralled out of control and my “thinking mind” was playing havoc with me from calling her irresponsible to downright untrustworthy. She then arrived, all smiles, kissed me and gave me a big hug. Suddenly she was the best thing that had ever happened to me. All my negative thoughts faded and were replaced with pleasing thoughts.
What makes our thoughts so sharply bipolar? How can she go from being untrustworthy to the love of my life in mere seconds?
Thoughts are neurotransmitters, chemical messengers that are released by the brain to allow it to communicate with parts of itself and the nervous system. Thoughts control all our body’s functions and our emotions which in turn affect our behaviour and results.
Scientific research has confirmed the power of thoughts and how they affect our behaviour. However, the most telling thing about how our mind works is that almost 90% of those electrical signals being formed are done so without our conscious consent or to be exact, they occur at the sub-conscious level.
We have two separate minds:
The Conscious mind which represents 5% of our mind is the thinking mind, where we think freely and can accept or reject any idea. It gets information from our five senses and is rooted in the present. E.g. When crossing the road, we hear a car approaching, and we immediately stop.
The Subconscious mind is like a super computer stored with a database of programmed behaviours, most of which we acquired between birth and the age of six. Almost 95% of our thoughts, decisions, emotions, and actions are influenced from the programming in our subconscious mind.
In the example above, my thoughts went astray as our relationship was still new and I was insecure. The programming in my subconscious from a previous relationship which broke down on the grounds of mistrust came into play.
The subconscious is basically running our lives and most of the time we are unaware of our behaviour, and if not addressed quickly enough, our thoughts crystallize into core beliefs which become almost impossible to shift.
However, science has shown that though it’s difficult, we can reprogram the subconscious mind by using some of the techniques below.
1.Stillness of the conscious mind
Our conscious mind is often so noisy that we can’t hear the whispers and murmurs that emanate from the subconscious. Meditation and mindfulness give us the calm and inner peace we often need so that our mind becomes clear enough to open communication between the two minds.
2. Notice Our Environment
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”-Jim Rohn.
Often we find that there are certain people around us, who are well-intentioned but create so much noise around our being that we can’t have the peace and quiet we need.
We can’t leave our conscious minds open to toxic people and negative situations. It’s not easy trying to quit smoking when all our friends smoke. Conversely, it’s much easier to develop a good eating habit when those around you eat well.
I often escape to the beach alone or sit in a quiet place surrounded by birds, trees and the wind where I can purify my conscious mind and so that it can be clear and efficient in affecting the subconscious.
3) Reflection and observation
We need to look at our behaviours so that we are aware of the results in our lives. In this way, we can start catching ourselves when we are in the midst of a tantrum, or during an eating binge that opposes the actions we want. The more we reflect on our results, the more we know where we are headed.
As soon as I find myself getting frustrated or angry, I stop immediately, retreat and take three deep breaths. This action alone has saved me countless moments of rage, anger and going the wrong way.
4) Creating Habits
“In every area of life — from your education to your work to your health — it is your amount of grit, mental toughness, and perseverance predicts your level of success more than any other factor we can find.”-James Clear
Repetition is key to reprogramming the subconscious mind, and so it’s important that we persist in whatever we are trying to impress onto the subconscious mind.
Whether it’s creating new positive behaviours or replacing old negative ones, then the best way to do so is by incorporating habits into our lives.
It’s smarter to split habits into smaller wins so that we make sure we can remain consistent with our actions.
For example, I have created a habit of writing for 30 minutes each day, something that is not so difficult but after six consecutive months, I’ve started reaping the benefits as my writing has improved tremendously, and I’m getting published regularly.
5) Visualisation
The mind doesn’t know if we are doing something or not and the more we visualize or imagine the desired outcome than the more neural pathways in our brain that we altar and as such we are rewiring our brains.
Michael Phelps, American swimmer and the most decorated Olympian of all time visualized his races in detail, and usually many times a day. He would “play the movie” over and over so that all of the little things could be done as perfectly as possible, and with as little conscious thought as possible.
6) Taking action
“What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.”-Ralph Waldo Emerson
If visualization has been proved by science, to rewire our brains, then taking action is likely to have an even larger impact. There is nothing like taking the plunge and getting out of our comfort zone for us to yield the best results in change.
I committed to run four times a week and for four weeks and after a month I had cultivated the habit of running.
We have the power to change our behaviours only when we recognize that we need to address the subconscious, emotional mind through our conscious thinking mind.
We can’t control our past programming, but we can from this moment on, start to create new behaviours by consistently marking the subconscious mind with the actions and results that we want in our lives.
There is one book I carry with me wherever I go-The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.
Every time I read a few pages, I start to feel an inner tingling in my heart, and my soul starts chirping like the nightingale he so lyrically describes. It’s true that I cling to his words harder than the average person, because we both come from Lebanon. However, his great fame and works both as a poet and an artist has had a profound effect on many people around the world.
Gibran wrote in both Arabic and English, and his best work was produced in the era of the roaring twenties in New York, USA. He was influenced by the free thought and exuberance of that time, and he was regularly associated with W.B. Yeats, Carl Jung and August Rodin. His seminal book The Prophet is amongst the best-selling books of all time after the Bible and Shakespeare’s collections.
Though his books were initially ignored by critics, they have influenced world leaders like J.F.Kennedy, The Beatles and many millions around the globe.There is both simplicity and beauty to his writings that reach far and wide. They offer spiritual and philosophical musings on God, love, family, work, death and many other threads that unite humanity.
Below are 11 quotes from Gibran that I read regularly, and that are indelibly stamped in my heart:
1) “Your daily life is your temple and your religion.”
2)“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”
3)“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
4)“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.”
5)“Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”
6)“You give but little when you give of your possessions.It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”
7)“I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of one religion, and it is the spirit.”
8)“No man can reveal to you aught but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of your knowledge.The teacher who walks in the shadow of the temple, among his followers, gives not of his wisdom but rather of his faith and his lovingness.If he is indeed wise he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.”
9)“When you love you should not think you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.”
10)“Say not, ‘I have found the truth,’ but rather, ‘I have found a truth.’ Say not, ‘ I have found the path of the soul.’ Say rather, ‘I have met the soul walking upon my path.’ For the soul walks upon all paths. The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed. The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.”
11)“Work is love made visible. And if you can’t work with love, but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of the people who work with joy”
I’m admittedly a learning junkie and only come alive when my curiosity and interest in the world are piqued. I’m fascinated by new learnings and discoveries every day, and they have been central to any impending change in my life.
Every year I stumble upon new teachers and fresh material and 2015 has been no exception.And whether it’s through reading their blogs, listening to their podcasts or watching their interviews or talks I’ve become a better man.
These are the 5 people who rocked my world in 2015:
“I’ll repeat something you might consider tattooing on your forehead: What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.” ― Timothy Ferriss
He is the author of the New York times best seller 4-hour workweek, blogger, self-experimenter, podcaster and health and body expert. He also successfully funds start-ups in silicon valley. He is also a lover of Stoicism and in particular, Seneca.
He deconstructs complicated concepts into clear, understandable ideas which show that most things are achievable and do-able. His how-to-do steps are geared to help the common man see that nothing is impossible and that anything is possible.If there was anyone who epitomises the new type of self-help guru, then it’s him.
He reached the Tango National Finals in Argentina while practicing for less than a year and took up Tai-chi grappling and won the national championship in Taiwan. He speaks Japanese and Mandarin fluently and in fact, there isn’t much he can’t do when he sets his mind to it.
I love his podcasts, which are long and funny. The variety of guests from movie stars like Jamie Foxx, to chess prodigy–Joshua Waitzkin, and Body and fitness stars, to Venture capitalists based in Silicon Valley is simply amazing. It has opened a new world for me, and it’s like even though I’m not in that world but listening to the interviews I become part of them and learn different things from all those successful people.
My Biggest Take-away
Taking control of my time and my life. I’ve also started experimenting with new interests and habits and find it is the best way to learn about ourselves.
“Simplicity boils down to two steps: Identify the essential. Eliminate the rest.” ― Leo Babauta
Simplicity, minimalism and contentment are what you get when you visit his site. I love the whiteness of his blog, the simple concepts he writes about and the succinct words he uses that will immediately send your being into peace and calmness.
Here’s a guy who set up his blog in Guam back in 2007 and in 2011 was listed on Time’s 50 best websites.He writes about meditation, presence and contentment in life in such a pragmatic way that you don’t feel obliged to move to Tibet and live a monk’s life.
My Biggest Take-away
The power of less; We work harder, become stressed, to earn more, but the extra money that goes on a supposed better way of living (extra cars, bigger homes, premier travel) makes us less happy as we start to complicate our lives. The easiest formula is to work less, spend less and be more at peace now, not when we retire.
“Becoming the type of person you want to become — someone who lives by a stronger standard, someone who believes in themselves, someone who can be counted on by the people that matter to them — is about the daily process you follow and not the ultimate product you achieve.” ―James Clear
He shares ideas for using behavior science to improve your performance and master your habits. His articles have been published in Forbes, Huffington post and many other sites. The scientific approach and depth of his content always leave you with a clear understanding of a concept, and you simply, can’t forget his teachings.
My Biggest Take-away
Learning how to instill habits in my life so that I can focus on my actual practice rather than the actual goal e.g. I set a target to write an hour a day, rather than setting an overwhelming goal of writing a book for the year. And when I maintain my practice, I will achieve the target and the ultimate goal.
“This is the power of art: The power to transcend our own self-interest, our solipsistic zoom-lens on life, and relate to the world and each other with more integrity, more curiosity, more wholeheartedness.” ― Maria Popova
Maria Popova is the creator of Brainpickings.org. She describes it; Brain Pickings is “your LEGO treasure chest, full of pieces across art, design, science, technology, philosophy, history, politics, psychology, sociology, ecology, anthropology, you-name-itology.”
Her blog is one for the intellectuals and people who like to understand the original concepts and it’s unrivaled in the richness of material. She weaves pieces and themes from old and new books, past and present authors illuminating insights, directly or indirectly, into that grand question of how to live, and how to live well.
I can’t wait for Sunday evenings when I read her new publications–they have liberated my thinking and took me to worlds I’ve either forgotten or never knew existed.
My Biggest Take-away
The Gold is in the old books and the even older authors. Why read a modern book which portrays a minute concept from Albert Camus, when she goes straight to his book and offers us his direct words and her explanations all in a great blog piece.
“If you think your life’s purpose needs to hit you like a lightning bolt, you’ll overlook the little day-to-day things that fascinate you.” ― Derek Sivers
He’s best known for selling his former company CD Baby an online CD store for independent musicians, with over $100M in sales for over 150,000 musician clients.He gave away most of his money and now chooses to live spartanly and spontaneously, moving to a new country every few years, doing whatever he feels like doing.
He truly does live the present moment and is living proof, of how to become non-attached to things,while living in our world and not on an isolated mountain.
Derek Sivers Interview-The Santa Monica bike ride story
“I do a 15-mile bike ride in Santa Monica, a few days a week at full-speed, 100%,head-down, red-faced, sprinting speed.I’d finish exhausted and looked at the time.43 minutes.Every time. After a few months, I was getting less enthusiastic about this bike ride. I think had mentally linked it with being completely exhausted.
So one day I decided I would do the same ride, but just chill. Take it easy, nice and slow. OK not super-slow, but dialing it back to about 50% of my usual effort. What a fun ride. I was relaxed, and smiling, and looking around. Not red-faced. I was barely giving it any effort.I saw two dolphins in the water. A pelican flew right over me in Marina del Ray. I had to laugh at the novelty of it.I’m usually so damn driven, always doing everything as intensely as I can. It was so nice to take it easy for once. I felt I could do this forever, without any exhaustion.
When I finished, I looked at the time. 45 minutes.What?!? How could that be? Yep. I double-checked. 45 minutes, as compared to my usual 43. So apparently all of that exhausting, red-faced, full-on push-push-push I had been doing only gave me a 4% boost.I could just take it easy, and get 96% of the results.And what a difference in experience! To go the same distance, in about the same time, but one way leaves me exhausted, and the other way rejeuvenated.This was really profound for me, and I think of it often.”
My Biggest Take-away
I’m always running for more, for better, for higher, and after listening to above interview, I’ve now calmed down and 2016 has been less stressful and more fun.
