Wayne Dyer was speaking at an “I Can Do It” Conference when he brought out an orange and asked a bright twelve-year-old, what was inside the orange. The boy insisted it could only be orange juice and not apple or grapefruit juice. When pushed to explain why, the boy said: “Well, it’s an orange, and that’s what’s inside.”
Wayne Dyer nodded and said:
“Let’s assume that this orange isn’t an orange, but it’s you. And someone squeezes you, puts pressure on you, says something you don’t like, offends you. And out of you comes anger, hatred, bitterness, fear. Why? The answer, as our young friend has told us, is because that’s what’s inside.”
And he went on to say that:
“It’s one of the great lessons of life. What comes out when life squeezes you? When someone hurts or offends you? If anger, pain and fear come out of you, it’s because that’s what’s inside. It doesn’t matter who does the squeezing — your mother, your brother, your children, your boss, the government. If someone says something about you that you don’t like, what comes out of you is what’s inside. And what’s inside is up to you, it’s your choice.”
“When someone puts the pressure on you and out of you comes anything other than love, it’s because that’s what you’ve allowed to be inside. Once you take away all those negative things you don’t want in your life and replace them with love, you’ll find yourself living a highly functioning life.”
As I watched his talk, I reflected on myself and saw that not everything that’s inside me is as pure as I want it to be. When I overreact and insult a taxi driver, who ignores all kinds of driving rules and cuts me off. It’s the frustration bottled up in me that’s coming out and not what the taxi driver did. Also, when I belittle someone for making a mistake then it’s all the fears inside of me which I haven’t addressed that are coming out.
Most of our negative reactions are not about the people who irritate us but more about what is troubling us from the core.
Whenever we overreact, then it’s an opportunity for us to step back and ask ourselves what’s really inside of us? What have we allowed to get inside of us and what can we do to remove all the negative things that we don’t want in our life and replace them with love?
As Rumi said, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference-Reinhold Niebuhr
Can we change people? How can we help our loved ones to adopt a good habit and drop a bad one?
I struggle with those questions every time I take on a new habit or learn a new lesson, which proves invaluable in my life. I want to share it or impose it into the lives of my loved ones.
For example, I’ve been meditating for almost two years now and even though I’ve promoted it passionately and expressed what it has brought to my life.I haven’t been able to inspire many to take on meditation.
Change is a word that has been overburdened with so many expectations that many of us just switch off when the word change is mentioned. I understand that some people are hungry for change and would readily accept motivation and inspiration more than others.
Also, it’s about the right timing for some of us to admit that we need to change something in our life. I recall ignoring the promptings of my father when I was in university to read more about spirituality and to ask the big questions of life. It wasn’t till I hit thirty that I seriously started to read about Philosophy, Religion, and Spirituality and opened my eyes to a new world unbeknownst to me.
“A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.”—Muhammad Ali
We can’t press a button and change people, no matter how much we love them. And very often people don’t want to be changed as the comforts of no change always outweigh the work needed to commit to change.
The best we can hope is to try inspiring them to become aware of having to change. And for that change to happen and persist, then they have to be emotionally aroused by the impending change.
They must feel some apprehension, even fear, and unrelenting anxiety—strong emotional reactions that act as catalysts to increase their motivation and commitment.
Here are six ways for us to help inspire change in people:
1. Be the example
“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”- Mahatma Gandhi
When we practice what we preach and consistently do what we have championed others to do, then it sends a message to whoever is around you that your words are authentic. You are telling people,that you truly believe in what you are saying and it’s working in your life.
E.g. Recently I watched Tony Robbins in one of his events, and the whole theme was about how we can energize our lives and unleash the power within. He kept six thousand people engaged, aroused and able to have fun for four consecutive days-His energy was mesmerizing.
2. Be compassionate
When trying to help, we should focus on listening with compassion rather than being overbearing with our words. We can rouse their awareness by asking clever, introspective questions like “What are the Pros and Cons for you to change or not change?” “If this change was easy, would you want to make it? What makes it hard?” Those questions create a safe environment for them to explore motivations and examine their need to change or not change.
However, be prepared to accept that people will not immediately follow your advice and implement changes into their life. But at least you have given them another way to look at things and were real enough to do it yourself.
3. Change is not easy
We need to remind ourselves that change is difficult and to look back at the number of times we ignored the good advice because we felt it wasn’t for us or that it made no sense whatsoever. We need to guide them so they can see the self-defeating stories they have been telling themselves for so long so as to justify not changing.
We can share our experiences to allow them to see that change is an opportunity to grow with amazing things waiting to happen rather than some unwanted burden.
4. Change can be easy, rewarding and normal
We need to show them that change can be easy and not so overwhelming when we take “baby steps” to make small incremental changes in our lives. The key to change is to be patient and not expect instant results. This whole process must be fun and not seen as a strict ritual.
The rewards must be clear for them to see so that they monitor their progress regularly, and most importantly they must feel that results will ensue.
To change the way they behave, most people need to see that the change they are embarking on is something normal and that most people, especially those they admire would want to act this way.
E.g. Several years ago my daughter was struggling with Math and I made an effort to practice with her for thirty minutes every other day, learning something small every time and making it fun. Over the months that passed I charted her improvement and regularly showed it to her. Since that time she has changed the way she approached math and is now doing very well.
5.Create an environment
Create an environment that supports and encourages the change you are championing. For example, if it’s a healthy life you are advocating then put up posters of the nutritious food, and remove all chocolates, candy, and similar foods from the house.
Share your inspirations and goals with them, and send books, articles and movies that share your passion for that habit. Do this in a friendly manner and have no attachment or reaction to them not taking up the habit.
E.g. I talk about being healthy around my family, run regularly and have my gym in the house, which I use frequently. My kids have grown up watching me do this and have also taken up exercising as a regular habit to feel good and be healthy.
6) Use setbacks to initiate change
Setbacks and the gloom that follows is the best time to advocate change. The ego has been temporarily defeated, and we are now willing to change the way we view our ways. Failures are blessings in disguise even though we never see it like that at the time. The anguish brought on becomes an emotional trigger that helps us clearly see our wrong actions and allows us to accept change readily.
E.g. One of my running buddies recently injured his calf and couldn’t run for a few months, and so lost the opportunity to run a race we agreed to do. He would never listen to my advice on stretching and to take up Pilates as a practice to complement running. Now after the injury he has started regular stretching and wants to take up Pilates.
We can help inspire change in people when we express our words compassionately and skillfully to make them feel that if they do change their behaviour then it really would make a difference in their lives.
We also need to show them that we have no expectations that they would want to change or even can change.
I’m not a Buddhist Monk or a meditation expert, but I can tell you that Meditation has helped me in my life and is slowly but surely guiding me in my self-discovery journey.
Meditation has given me an inner peace that acts as a hidden support, which until now, I didn’t appreciate. That’s probably because meditation’s effectiveness is hard to measure as its results are not immediate and not very apparent like something you see with diets or exercise.
But then again, the mind is far more complex than the body.
Meditation has been the focus of many books, articles, and research studies. There have been many successful scientific experiments proving how gray matter in the area of self-awareness grew ten-fold and how it reduces stress by some percentage. These are all clear proof that it works.
However there are many skeptics out there and rightly so, as meditation is often highjacked by new age gurus glorifying it as something sacred and difficult to achieve unless you achieve some Godly purity. And usually this purity can only be reached through them and for a hefty fee.
My definition of meditation and how it works in my life is very simple and is more relatable to most people than that of many Gurus out there.
Meditation is all about quieting your inner voice (the one that doesn’t shut up) or the monkey mind for approximately 20-30 minutes a day. And it’s exercising the mind so that you reduce your stress levels and get into a more relaxed state, as opposed to the fight-or-flight response mode of our minds.
How to Meditate?
# Sit Comfortably
Sit comfortably either in a normal seating position with your bare feet on the ground or sit on a cushion with your legs crossed and hips higher than your knees. Then, center yourself with your back always straight and upright. And then take a minute just to relax and get comfortable.
# Breathe in and out
Start to focus and follow your breath through your nostrils/mouth as you breath in for a few seconds and then out for a few seconds more.
#Leave thoughts behind
Many thoughts will arise but gently bring your attention back to the breathing leaving any thoughts behind.
# Don’t judge yourself
Don’t judge yourself for having thoughts but continue going back to your breath. Some meditations would be better than others depending on your state of mind.
E.g., Most times, I can go for 30 seconds without a thought and on one occasion I spent a full five minutes without a single thought entering my mind.
This gap in thoughts without the mind wandering off is what is deemed to be that mysterious concept known as meditation.
Myths of Meditation
You don’t have to wear an orange robe and be this peaceful spiritual person before meditation is effective. Just remove the mystery surrounding it and make meditation a habit, one that can be cultivated so that you can reap its benefits.
Having thoughts during meditation doesn’t mean you have to start all over again. Suppressing thoughts is also not the way but rather going back to your breathing naturally when thoughts arise and then leaving the thoughts behind.
If you don’t have time to meditate and can’t manage 5-20 minutes of your time to sit alone and meditate, then maybe it’s not meditation you seek but rather a Life.
Meditation will not change your life and make you this enlightened Guru, who never has pain, sadness or tough times. It’s only a practice that helps alleviate stress and put you in a more relaxed state of mind.
You don’t need a special place to Meditate. It would be nice to meditate on a quiet beach watching the sunrise, but it’s not necessary. It can be anywhere and in any place, as long as your back is straight and you are relaxed.
Mediation doesn’t mean you become passive and get trodden upon in the big bad world out there. It means you rather become a person who has control over his emotions, and one who can respond rather than react to an adverse situation.
How Meditation has helped me?
1) Calmness
Meditation helps to expand your perception, allowing you to see the value in every experience and every relationship. I have seen myself reach new capacities of calmness I never thought I was capable of.
E.g., I handled a 4-hour traffic jam very well, when in the past I would have flipped and left the car in the middle of the road. (Okay, I’m starting from a very steep point of impatience)
2) Inner Peace
Before I started to meditate, the only happiness I experienced was directly connected to external factors like relationships, money and achievements. Now I’m still happy even though some of those external factors are failing. I have this inner peace within me that has given me the strength to handle challenging situations.
I have a less of a need to control people, places or situations. I have tapped into the infinite source of inner happiness-present moment awareness. I now feel the party is wherever I am at, and I have lost that feeling of missing out.
3) Sleep/Dream better
The quality of my sleep is better as I feel rested and can accomplish much more with fewer hours slept. Also as a bonus I remember my dreams much more vividly than I used to do before I committed to my meditation practice.
4) Focus better
I have noticed now that I can focus better as I am much more aware of the chattering mind in me and use my breathing to get rid of the noise and refocus very quickly.
I now, last longer in my writing sessions without any breaks. I used start getting fidgety after 20-30 minutes, but now I can focus for 45-60 minutes quite easily per sitting.
5) Catch myself quicker when I’m thinking the wrong way
As I deepen my meditation practice, I’m becoming more aware that I am a witness to my thoughts, and that I need not identify with them as readily as I used to. As soon as I’m reacting badly to a situation I catch myself and then remind myself that I’m not that thought.
I’m a long way from perfect, and I often identify with a bad thought and ruminate for a few minutes.However, I cool down quickly and then find myself laughing for being such a fool and believing my deceiving mind. 6) Faith and Trust in life
Regular meditation slowly negates the deprecating self-talk you get involved in continually. You start to act more from your heart as the fears spurred by your mind slowly fade away, and you clearly hear the pure messages coming from your heart.
You start making better decisions and gain confidence in your being. And you start trusting the universe much more making it more enjoyable to live life, and you start awakening to your purpose.
My commitment to meditation in the last two years has been the main reason I have recently awoken to my spiritual path.
And even though it’s only for 20 minutes a day, its effect on me has been transformational as my highs have become more meaningful lasting longer and my lows though not gone have become manageable.
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”― Howard Thurman
As I grow older and approach the afternoon of my life, I see things much more clearly. I’m finally getting it that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. I truly understand the meaning of spirituality and the need for it in our lives.
Spirituality to me is different from being religious as I see it as my direct relationship with a supreme being–the source of all life. I understand the inherent worth of all religions and accept many of their wonderful teachings, but I’m not tied down to any of their dogma.
Photo Credit: Itay Kabalo
I can connect to this source through my soul as long as I learn how to listen to my heart. In my mind, I have simplified the whole meaning of spirituality into one phrase-Awakening my aliveness.
This awakening or spirituality means I believe in something bigger than mankind. I believe in a supreme power with some worldly order. A power that has created us in such perfection, as proved by the fact that we consist of trillions of cells all going about their work in perfect unison.
It means that life is more than mere chance and coincidences. Everyone and everything is connected in this universe like the cells in our body. It means that we believe in living and more importantly, that there is a meaning to life and that our life matters in the grand scheme of things.
I see my life here on earth as a journey of self-discovery, so that I can remember my connection to the source while living as a physical being. The more I learn and experience in that manner where I am aware of my connection every time I am being human then the more I evolve as a being.
However, most of the time, I can’t remember my source all the time. Or I can’t awaken my aliveness all the time, regardless of what the best gurus and teachers say. Nobody can be 100% enlightened all the time.
I remember my source in some moments, like when I’m meditating or when I’m engaging in some activity that I love so much. Then I lose it again as some dis-empowering event appears suddenly without notice like someone cutting me up in traffic or a final warning letter to pay some bill.
Life is so fast now that many things distract us from our aliveness. We forget the big picture of what matters most and the connection we had with the source or the feeling of aliveness easily disappears.
I have developed several habits and practices that Ido consistently, which have proved invaluable for me to stay connected and close to my aliveness.
1. Waking up early
I love getting up early to allow the sound of silence and the view of the sun rising (when I’m privileged to witness it) to permeate my soul.
2. Meditation
Sitting in stillness or meditating for 20 minutes first thing in the morning cultivates peace and calmness in my life to help me in my path to authenticity.
3. Journaling
Again, I do this in the morning just after my meditation, and I write and write without stopping about my feelings, reflections, and current thoughts. I also mention three things that I’m grateful for that day.
4. Reading
As simple as it sounds, taking up reading again after I stopped for so long, during my hibernation, has led to my awakening. This has helped to take me out of my closed-box mentality and show me that there are many other worlds out there. It also led me to many of the things that I love today, such as writing, learning and keeping my mind open.
5. Exercise
I was always involved in sports when I was at school, but somehow forgot all about movement and exercise when I settled down in the “normal way of life.” Don’t ask me why. I have no real answer.
Running has become a passion and going to the gym and playing soccer raises the level of my endorphins and enhances my general mood, which trickles into the rest of my life in all kinds of ways.
6. Being Mindful
I have chosen specific things I do during the day when I immerse myself in doing that activity without allowing my thoughts to wander or be interrupted.
E.g. when I’m drinking my only coffee in the morning. This has become a sacred ritual, as I would make it, let it sit for a while, and then inhale the strong, rich aroma before taking the first sip. I continue drinking it for about few minutes without thinking of anything but the coffee.
7. Solitude
I can’t say enough about how this has helped me in my life. I have learned to enjoy myself alone, reflect and analyze what is right for me. I have learned to distinguish between the noises that torment me from the music that enliven me.
I have started appreciating nature and being out in the open more often than not. I now love to stare in awe at the beauty of life that is around me, whether it’s a 100-year old tree or a flock of seagulls flying just above me.
8. Don’t Follow Society and Its Rules
I look at what matters the most to me when deciding how to spend my day or what to do with my energy. I’ve started using Steven Covey’s principle of “begin with the end in mind” in many situations, using my authenticity and fulfillment as the goal I’m moving towards.
I’m finally realizing that most of us live like sheep, not because we are happy, but to avoid disrupting the status quo of our lives. We fight day and night to stay in our comfort zones. We crave the sense of belonging that society gives us.
9. Creativity
We are all unique individuals, and it’s through our creativity that we are able to express our true selves and allow our real voices to be heard. I grew up assuming that creativity meant being born a Hemingway and producing a book like The Old Man and the Sea or becoming Picasso and painting Les Demoiselles d’Avignon.
Since I started getting more creative, whether it’s expressing my passion through writing or doing small things–creating picture quotes on Instagram. I have found inner satisfaction that has flowed into all areas of my life. Again, the more I practice this muscle of creativity, the better I get and the more inner joy I feel within me.
10. Finding Your Tribe
Our Family and friends are our balance, the bedrock of our lives but sometimes we don’t think in the same wavelength. As such, I have found my own tribe online and they stimulate my thinking and expand my horizons.
I have also found a few people in my journey who have proved to be muses and coaches showing up for me time and time again to guide me to my rightful path.
Aliveness is something that is unique and different to each one of us, and it need not be a revolution that would change your life completely. It very often is a slight tweak where you add certain things that make you come alive.
However I do believe that we need self-growth and contribution to our fellow mankind before our lives can become meaningful as only then can we be awakened to our aliveness.
So have I awakened to my full aliveness? Am I who I must be? No, I’m not even halfway there.
I am sure in the coming years I will uncover many new aspects of my self. I will expand on the practices that I’m doing now.
However, I know I’m on the right path and am enjoying the journey to my authenticity.
Every day, I look forward even more to what makes me come alive, so that I can participate fully in this wonderful game called life.
I sat reflecting on my life, and all I could think of was that I had become the total sum of my good habits and, unfortunately, my bad ones too.
We create most of our habits unconsciously and then watch them take over the direction of our lives. And we wonder why we don’t stick to a regular writing practice or follow the new diet to lose those extra few pounds.
Photo Credit: Sebastian Marchand
I am a great advocator of self-motivation with the ultimate goal to grow in many different ways. However, motivation can only do so much to make us change as it gives that initial boost but it’s only through conscious, consistent practice, or habits that we can achieve the change we crave.
We usually focus so much on the Goal that we lose track of the actual work we need to do to get there. The grandiosity of the goal overwhelms us, and we often give up on it quite easily. It’s by creating habits and chunking them into small parts that can drive us to that final destination.
Our Minds have two parts; the conscious mind, which is the creative one and the one we have little access to, which is completely controlled by the other part–the sub-conscious mind. This sub-conscious mind is like a recording machine, which takes in all the information from our conditioning, the environment, and our behavior, and it then adds it all up to direct our final actions.
The only way we can effect any change in our lives is to address the sub-conscious mind, and the best way to do this is by repetition and by creating habits. Just think of how we brush our teeth every morning without even thinking, as this has been repeated and repeated so that it has become part of the information that we embed in the mind.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”–Aristotle
Over the last 50 years, science and numerous psychological experiments have proved that there is a real power in creating and practicing habits. They confirm that a habit takes anything from 21 days to 60 days to be formed. And if we stick with them, then it will contribute to creating discipline and patience in our life, two attributes that can lead to an accomplished life.
They help guide us to that best quality of all—Persistence. As we dive into our practice, we increase our mental stamina, and we tend to finish whatever we started. Finishing a book, or a designated run sends a signal to our brain that we finish everything we start.
Habits will lead us to the present moment where real joy sits. The more time we spend in deliberate practice, where we shut our “monkey minds” off and perform the habits, the greater our link is to the creative, conscious mind.
We can create habits in 7 simple steps as stated below:
1) Set a Trigger
We need to set a trigger or reminder for us to initiate the behavior that we want to start.
E.g.I Prepare all my running gear before I sleep so that I can easily notice them when I get up in the morning.
2) Create a Routine or practice
The routine is the actual behavior we take on, to get us to the desired action. We should start with small tiny steps so that it would be difficult to fail and attractive to get into action.
E.g. I started my daily Push-Ups practice with 5, and I’m now up to 30.
3) Set a Reward
Set up a reward system so that we benefit immediately after the behavior. This reward need not be a holiday to Las Vegas after doing 30 push-ups, but some good positive talk to appreciate our good work.. The brain will store the good feelings we associated with the behavior and so the next time we are doing the habit those same good feeling comes up.
E.g. I reward myself with my only coffee in the morning straight after my daily meditation.
4) Find a Keystone habit
There is usually one habit that if we stick to religiously would help pull the rest of our life in order.
E.g. When I get up early before the sun comes out, then my whole day unfolds beautifully as I meditate well, journal crisply and become more productive at work.
5) Schedule the habits
We need to set a clear intention with a time and a day, just like we would with any regular appointment. Our habits need time and a place to live in our life. e.g. Want to run regularly? Running 7km on Tuesday 6 am must be marked clearly on the calendar.
Special Note: If there is not enough time for the practice, then just reduce the time we spend on it. Don’t abandon it, as it would break the pattern we create in our brain.
E.g. run for 15 minutes and not the full 60 minute run.
6) Be accountable
Announce the practice to friends, family or anyone who can hold us accountable.If the habit is imperative, then get a coach to help. This way we are more likely to stick to the new habit.
E.g. I joined an online writing group to journal more than 750 words a day and we are all accountable to each other in a very clever online process.
7) Design our environment for success
Put up posters, pictures of the habits we want to create in our offices and homes. Read articles or books and talk to everyone about them too. This association with the habit will reinforce it into the synapses of our brain.
E.g. I have put up visual pictures of all my habits in front of my writing desk and where I spend a lot of my time.
“How we spend our days is how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour and that one is what we are doing. There is no shortage of good days. It is good lives that are hard to come by.”–Annie Dillard
Doing the same thing every day for the last twenty years doesn’t sound exciting but who would describe Picasso’s life or that of Kahlil Gibran as ordinary. They followed the same routine and practice throughout their lives.
They would write or paint every day as part of their scheduled practice and in some days their work was average but on others it was dazzling. Who remembers their poor work after decades of practicing their craft? No one, as the many magnificent pieces have overshadowed the inferior ones.
That’s how their hearts purred, and their souls sang, but they needed that discipline of following through on their habits. And only until then, it became effortless for them to produce magical pieces of art that we have come to love so much.
Sometimes we judge people too harshly because doing so from our perspective makes others look stupid and weak while at the same time that judgment makes us feel so much more superior. However, when we do judge people, we are defining our limitations and ourselves. We are showing no empathy for their plight, or a listening to their stories.
And the more you judge, the more you close the door to love, as love and can’t co-exist with judgment.
We all sin differently, we all have skeletons in our closet, and we all have different journeys to embark upon. And who decides what is right and what is wrong.
I know I’m not saying something new here. And I know I’m not saying something that is easy to do, but what I’m trying to state is that we should have this knowing inside of us as an ideal to aim for.
I dislike it, when people leave you with an impression, that you need to be like Mother Theresa, or a Buddhist Monk to be able to practice non-judgement and goodness in this world.
Sometimes people are going the wrong way, opposite to the direction of their soul, and we watch them, pity them and probably judge them. I’m not saying that you can switch that thought immediately. We will continue to judge them but at least start by understanding them and try to be an inspiration to them so that they could walk towards their rightful path.
There are different levels of judgement as some would bully or impose their opinions on others when judging them. Others would watch and smirk quietly to themselves validating their good behavior and so feel superior. Others would say they are not judging but would switch their thoughts away from those judged and claim not to judge and just discard their existence saying they don’t fit into their lives so why bother ourselves.
The reality is we are all judging all the time, and if anyone looks at my life with all my skeletons, then I’m sure he can judge me all day and all night.
However, what I’m saying is that I would like anyone who judges me to understand me. And if they believe they can make me understand where I’m going wrong then make an effort to do so instead of just sending me away into that “trash bin” of wasted thoughts.
One step into darkness is like a thousand steps into the light-Mo.issa
Strategy and planning are essential in creating the life you want. However, there is no point in making any grand plans when fear inhibits you from acting. The simplicity of getting into action and the experiences you gain once you decide to act erodes those fears you have built up over the years.
You can also overcome fears by getting out of your comfort zone. This makes you more confident and your abilities more diverse. It further allows you to look at fears as mere stepping stones to your goals, rather than as stumbling blocks that constrain your progress in life.
I’m the strategic type, and I can tell you from my experience that all my big wins have come when I have discarded the procrastinated planning stage and set out to act on my goals. By doing this, you create the strategy to match your actions with the constant realignment that the actual doing helps to clarify. This way, you don’t have enough time to think about your fears because you are constantly in action.
I’m not saying we should be gung-ho and not even plan, but in this age of fast and furious, simplicity is key. There is nothing simpler than having an intention and acting towards it, rather than focusing on a detailed plan and getting confused about what to do next.
I recently attended a self-motivation event led by Tony Robbins Unleash your power within. If anyone epitomizes what I mean by getting into action, it’s Robbins. He treats the whole concept of fear as if it were a mere inconvenience we must carry with us as a weapon to face any goal.
It’s true that there is a lot of hype surrounding the event-with high fiving and fist pumping almost compulsory-and you are often left wondering if you have just arrived at a rave party in Ibiza. However, you ultimately leave with an incredible feeling, and a knowing that anything is possible.
Here is a guy who gets into action by not only preaching motivational practices but by actually using those practices to enrich the quality of his life. He has built a business empire by being entrepreneurial and investing smartly, and not only by selling books and ideas on how to do so. He espouses how you can unleash your energy from within, and then he goes on stage and proves it, by performing for ten hours non-stop.
I learned many things in this event, not the least how physiology can impact attitude. But the main lesson for me was how getting into action and getting out of your comfort zone impacts your life, and not in a linear way, but in an exponential way. His anecdotes alone were worth the entrance fee, as he demonstrated to us that until we take a leap, and unless we get out of our comfort zone and face our fears directly, then little can be achieved.
One particular story that remains with me is how he learned through NLP to cure phobias in six months, and how he had to wait for another 18 months before he could be certified to treat anyone. He then proceeded to go live on radio and claim he could treat phobias for free, and set a time and a place to do so. He got a call from an angry psychiatrist who lambasted him about his outlandish promises and challenged him to cure his most difficult patient. He then proceeded to cure the psychiatrist’s patient in five minutes, in front of five hundred people.
I agree that we are not all blessed with the self-confidence, hunger and willpower of Tony Robbins, but here was a man who believed in himself, set big audacious goals and simply acted on them. The more he tested himself and got out of his comfort zone, the more his fears subsided.
Just after my Tony Robbins event, I had a great opportunity to test this out for myself. Through an inexplicable chain of events, I found myself as one of the main speakers on TedX Talks in Accra, with only three weeks to prepare.
Finally I was going to fulfill one of my dreams and yet I was filled with such trepidation that I wanted to withdraw many times during those three weeks. However, I made a decision that I was going to step up (using Tony Robbins’s Mantra) and I told myself that I was going to do this. Here was an opportunity sent to me from the heavens, allowing me to step out of my comfort zone and be big enough to conquer my fears.
I speak regularly in front of people, but this was TedX and the talk was very personal, as I would bare my soul in front of everyone. I was speaking on how I had finally found my aliveness and began leading a more authentic life. I was telling my whole community what was behind all the tears and laughs for the past eight years. The stakes were never higher for me.
As the day grew nearer, my sleep was getting more erratic. I would remind myself every morning that I had made a decision and I was committed to it, and I was going to give my best. I practiced my talk as if my life depended on it. I repeated the talk five to six times. I made my family listen to me practice, and then I went to work and forced my employees to hear me out as well. The more I practiced, the less fear I held.
On the big day, many things went disastrously wrong. My talk was delayed for two hours and as I walked up on stage, everything went into a blur and I was getting stage fright. I remembered to breathe well and told myself to relax, and I started to get into my rhythm. Suddenly the screen showing my presentation slides went blank, then the timer screen to my right, which acts like a guide so I could pace my talk, also went blank.
I faltered for a few seconds, then took another deep breath and told myself I was going to do this and that the worst had passed. All my preparations kicked in, and I continued without needing the slides or the timer. At the end, I got a great reception and big round of applause. The icing on the cake was when Patrick Awuah, the founder of Ashesi University in Ghana, also named in Fortune’s Top 50 leaders in the world for 2015 approached me to say he was inspired by my talk and wanted to help the kids I have in my foundation so they could get a scholarship into Ashesi university.
I wanted to cry there and then and I saw my daughter just coming towards me and I gave her one of those million dollar hugs. I thought to myself.
I did it. If you are true to your dreams, if you want it badly enough, and if you are willing to step out into that arena, then the universe is listening and will give you more than you ever wished for.
The following few days I was filled with a sense of relief I had never experienced. The weeks that followed have seen my belief, confidence and energy levels rise to a level I never knew I had. I had overcome some big and inhibiting fears by simply getting into action. I also found that this whole experience made me grow so much, that it really was an exponential growth rather than a linear one.
“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.” ~ Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four
Pain hit me hard in my stomach and I was suddenly getting wave after wave of feverish attacks, yet I knew these were not the usual fever symptoms.
It was a Saturday morning. I had just finished my 10k run, and was feeling on top of the world. I sat outside in the open air facing the pool; the trees were swaying, the birds were singing and I was just about to start my writing.
The pain got worse and it was like nothing I had felt before. Nausea, stomach upset, pounding heart, cold sweat, trembling body and feeling dizzy. Those were the physical symptoms, and hard as they were, I could handle them.
The mental symptoms were the ones that shattered me. I got a severe miserable feeling, which made me feel helpless, lifeless and surrounded me with nothingness.
This all-sinking feeling is very hard to describe but its like you are in a deep, dark abyss of a well. You can’t get out and you see no possibility of doing so whatsoever.
I just lay on the floor, curled up and felt worthless. The birds that were singing had left; the trees that were swaying now became stationary, life-less objects.
Even the sun, my reliable savior in so many bad days, had decided to hide behind all kinds of nimbus clouds.
This feeling lasted for eons and eons and not the real time of five minutes that it took. I just didn’t know what happened, and felt confused and paralyzed to do anything.
All I could think of was to jump off a cliff or a tall skyscraper building, but luckily the closest places were hundreds of miles away.
Then, whenever I summoned my mind to think, I would get an irritable feeling as if a fly were inside my mind buzzing away in every corner, and there were no windows that I could open to let it out.
My anxiety and thoughts were growing exponentially, and my initial fears of blacking out were now growing to a single thought that I was going to die right now.
The fear compounded with pain, and confusion was taking me to my darkest parts. I was now picturing how my teenage kids would survive without me.
I was angry at the Universe as I still had many things to do, many things to be.
I was also getting angry about why was I going to die now after all the good work I have done for myself, after all the ladders that I have climbed, after the sweet spot I found for myself following so many years of torment.
After all, I was Mr. Positive Psychology, I was espousing how to awaken your aliveness and how to follow your bliss, yet I was on the floor crying and feeling the lowest of lows that I could not wish on anyone.
I was the one who would regularly quote Victor Frankl: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
But here I was, helpless, and I couldn’t lift my head, let alone change my attitude. I felt sorry for myself and wanted a break. What is the Universe throwing at me today? What is the lesson?
I’m tired of playing this game of Snakes & Ladders.
I go up, up and up, and then that snake bites and I fall back down again.
I know, I know, I swear I know that…
… in life I need to go down and then I can go up, that I need to learn my lessons so as to grow.
Today I thought…
… let me climb for a bit longer.
Give me your longest ladder and I’m willing to climb it all.
Show me the snakes so I can cut them down like Genghis Khan.
I know, I know, I swear I know that…
… it’s not fun when you know, or how you cannot appreciate the ladders without the snakes, or that the lessons are in the snakes.
Today I said…
… let me be the judge of all that.
I said…
… I want a ladder only and no more fucking snakes, at least for today.
I just stayed on the floor and cried and prayed hard. I clung to a mantra that I often use: This too shall pass.
It’s not very sophisticated, but it usually works, and slowly a bit of hope started penetrating my mind.
Then, another gift from the Universe, as my teenage daughter rushed towards me and hugged me, out of the blue, not knowing anything about what I had been through.
I hugged her back, and suddenly hope broke through the mind-vaulted gates of my heart like a tidal wave crushing aside all doubts, fears and negative thoughts that had engulfed me before.
My shoulders, so hard and tense, started to soften as I slowly relaxed and felt the gaps in between my anxious and fearful thinking widen.
I got more intentional with my thoughts, put on some meditative music and started breathing in and breathing out. I followed that by chanting my mantra of This too shall pass for some minutes.
I got a hold of myself — my true self. My monkey mind ceased feeding me fear, anxiety and misery.
Finally, my soul spoke to me, now that my mind was still and my heart was open, and whispered: Relax, and This Too Shall Pass.
I locked my bedroom; I curled up in bed, cried for a few minutes and knew that everything would be okay.
I cried not because I was in pain or despair.
I cried because my faith in the Universe was restored.
I cried because I wasn’t afraid anymore.
I cried because I love life and I want to live forever.
The tears, the prayers and the mantra somehow got rid of the fly in my mind, and I thought clearly for the first time during this dark spell.
I was diagnosed with mild hypoglycemia a few years back, but I had regulated my diet and I thought I had reversed it. It suddenly hit me that I was having a severe hypoglycemia attack.
This is when there is not enough sugar in your bloodstream. The first area to be affected is the brain as it doesn’t store any glucose and is totally dependent on the amount of sugar in the bloodstream.
The brain, starved of energy, then starts reacting badly causing those severe symptoms.
As I read more about the symptoms, my confusion eased, and at least now I knew what was happening to me and I immediately felt better.
Sometimes, all we need is a hug of hope, a key to our heart to turn what seemed like certain despair into a moment of soulful relief.
Unfortunately, there is always a small detour of pain that we need to take, but always remember that This Too Shall Pass.
(Published earlier in my blog as “Hug of Hope” but Re-edited)
I drift back again to the wonderful summers I spent in Lebanon, and then I am suddenly nudged to leave the empty plane. I remember why I’m here – Gibran Khalil Gibran – and I smile.
The taxi driver complains that the political leaders are robbing the nation. “They’re all in on the game,” he says, adding that they’re cheating the people of their futures and livelihood. I know that many of the four million Lebanese suffer without jobs, without any kind of infrastructure, and that they live in daily fear, while five or six men rule by dividing the nation. I love to listen to taxi drivers because I feel a city’s vibes and secrets through them, as if they are the eyes and ears of that city. I think of what the driver says, and Gibran’s words come to mind:
Pity the nation that acclaims the bully as hero,
and that deems the glittering conqueror bountiful.
Pity a nation that despises a passion in its dream,
yet submits in its awakening.
I decided on a whim to travel to Lebanon and visit Gibran’s Museum. I felt spiritually bankrupt, and a visit to Gibran’s museum and my family would be an ideal way to rejuvenate and awaken me.
However, the trip turned out to be not about rekindling my spirituality, as much as unravelling many hidden feelings inside of me. I reconnected with my country and its people in a way I hadn’t before. I empathized with their plight and felt my stomach tighten every time a taxi driver complained and cried about his misery.
I would get riled when I heard about a top bank manager earning as little as a janitor in any average American university, or when I heard that someone born into a specific religion, sect, or village could be ostracized, attacked or miss out on a job opportunity. It was clear that the Machiavellian so-called political barons were getting what they wanted. When they didn’t, they were ruthless in retribution.
But had the Lebanese given up on the fight, as they were too tired or too afraid to lose the few benefits they had received? Had they silently agreed to the terms of their devils, so that they didn’t have to suffer more pain?
Many questions start flashing up in my mind. Why had circumstances always conspired to keep me away from this country for so long? What about Lebanon and its people had led me to adopt other countries? Would I ever return here to live?
Again, Gibran described the duality of my thoughts perfectly:
You have your Lebanon and I have mine. You have your Lebanon with her problems, and I have my Lebanon with her beauty. You have your Lebanon with all her prejudices and struggles, and I have my Lebanon with all her dreams and securities. Your Lebanon is a political knot, a national dilemma, a place of conflict and deception. My Lebanon, is a place of beauty and dreams of enchanting valleys and splendid mountains. Your Lebanon is inhabited by functionaries, officers, politicians, committees, and factions. My Lebanon is for peasants, shepherds, young boys and girls, parents and poets. Your Lebanon is empty and fleeting, whereas My Lebanon will endure forever.
As I entered the museum, I began to understand the real Gibran and imagine how he was as a man. He wasn’t just a writer of beautiful words, or a painter of breathtaking pictures, but a messenger from some higher place who came to serve as a reminder, as an exemplar and a guide to we mere mortals. His message was simple: that we are beautiful souls having a human experience, and we are united in this experience called life. He communicated in a language that addressed our hearts, directly removing the need for our analytical minds.
His works will remain immortal. I reached his tomb and read his epitaph: “I am alive like you, and I now stand beside you. Close your eyes and look around you. You will see me in front of you.” I was overwhelmed, and tears rolled down my cheeks just like a summer thunderstorm that erupts without warning.
I was intoxicated with that “wine of life” Gibran kept referring to, and I felt something stir deep within me. I felt I had someone looking out for me. I felt my heart had expanded, as if I was all-knowing, and I felt absolute peace. Most of all, I felt totally loved. Finally, I felt I belonged to Lebanon.
I walked down to a spot where I saw some cedar trees and just sat in awe of them for a few minutes. I could swear they were talking to me, inviting me to come closer and to observe how simply they live.
I wondered if they were trying to tell me that we cedar trees know where we belong, in this mountain range, in this Lebanon. We go through tough times in winter, when it is cold and we face strong and abrasive winds. We shed our leaves and our seeds and stand naked, and yet we stand tall. We also go through the spring, where we grow our seeds and leaves, and we stand beautiful and tall. However, throughout the year, we stand together, grateful, joyful and accepting what comes our way.
“We choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience them.” ― Kahlil Gibran
The drive back was long, lonely and sad. The good energy had left me, replaced by a creeping self-doubt and despair. Soon these thoughts were like an invisible force with a will of its own, whispering and spreading rumours inside my mind, wiping away all the peace I had found earlier that day.
I had reached a crossroads in my life. I had to make some tough decisions.
Where will I live in five years? Who will I become in the next stage of my life?
I feel like I’m living a double life, caught between the spiritual and material worlds. I find it difficult to fuse both realms into one life and it makes me feel lost, confused and frustrated. This taps directly into my greatest fear – that I will live a mediocre life, far away from my country, my tribe and my true essence, and only realizing on my deathbed that I chose the easy way instead of the more authentic one for me.
Gibran was born with a talent, yet he endured much pain; he had to leave his native country early on his life. His mother, sister and brother all died within a year of each other. However, he found the strength to live alone in New York and sacrificed himself for the love of his work. He would often write or paint for hours, without eating or taking a break. He couldn’t even visit his beloved Lebanon, so that he could produce the masterpieces he did. However, he found his unique way and carved his own niche in the psyche of Lebanon.
The night before I travelled home, I read Gibran and stumbled upon these words:
Say not, ‘I have found the truth,’ but rather, ‘I have found a truth.’ Say not, ‘ I have found the path of the soul.’ Say rather, ‘I have met the soul walking upon my path.’ For the soul walks upon all paths. The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed. The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.
His words and my thoughts met for a timeless second and painted one single thought: Life is all about asking questions, and ultimately it’s about asking the right question that is particular to me. Only then can I start living the answers to my life.
“Every man is enthusiastic at times. One man has enthusiasm for thirty minutes, another man has it for thirty days. But it is the man who has it for thirty years who makes a success in life.”― Edward B. Butler
I have just finished four days of filling my energy tanks with the amazing Anthony Robbins. I have been to many self-development seminars and spiritual retreats, and I can say that this has been one of the best experiences I’ve ever had.
He introduced himself by saying: “I don’t believe in positive psychology or spirituality but only in energy.” I thought that line alone captured the whole 4-day experience.
I, on the other hand, very much believe in positive psychology, and my definition of being spiritual–we are spirits having a human experience rather than being human and having a few spiritual experiences.
However, I found his seminar and his energy in the four days to be captivating and practical. As finally there was something that you could take home and put into down-to-earth use and better your life almost immediately.
I have always known that energy or aliveness is the elixir of life and everything that I have done to remodel my life in last seven years has been a pilgrimage to arrive at that feeling of aliveness.
I was also aware of the idea I can intentionally get myself into a positive state using my physiology as a trigger. However, I had never experienced it till this seminar. He managed to, not only teach me at a mental level but to also make me experience doing so with six thousand people around me. The amount of energy created that day would have lit up a whole city for days on end.
Here was a man not only talking the talk but also walking his talk as he managed to keep six thousand people engaged, aroused and able to have fun for four consecutive days. On one of the days, he even went non-stop for eight hours as we started at 10am, and we took a break at 6pm. He pumped us so much that we all walked on hot burning coal without feeling any pain or any one of us burning their feet. The walking on fire was clearly a metaphor to show us that we can put ourselves in any state we wanted and in so doing, achieve everything we wanted to.
I learnt simple techniques that could re-engineer your emotions and redirect your thoughts and so act as triggers for you to get into action.
Here are several ways to change your physiology and so change your thinking:
1. Breathing
Breathing for ten minutes every day, when you get up in the morning. You inhale for 4 seconds while pushing your stomach out, hold for 16 seconds and then exhale for 8 seconds while pulling your stomach in. We need good breathing to allow a lot of oxygen in, to fuel our cells and to force carbon dioxide out.
2. Lymphasizing
The lymphatic system plays an important role in removing the toxins from the body. However, unlike with the blood system where the heart acts as the pump, the lymphatic system has no pump and so movement is essential to create an efficient detoxification process. Using a rebounder to jump up and down for 15minutes a day or simply doing 50 jumping jacks or even dancing energetically would do the trick.
3. Declaration/Incantation/Affirmation
These are words or a mantra that you could repeat to yourself for several minutes with great passion and gusto.
Say Yes to defying the odds,
Say Yes to having an outstanding day,
Say Yes to being Your Voice,
Say Yes to Leading and not following,
Say Yes to Believing, not doubting,
Say yes to Creating, not destroying,
Say yes to being the force in your life,
Say yes To Setting a new standard,
Say yes to Stepping up.
Step up.
Step up.
Step up.
4. Cold showers
As silly as this sounds, going under a cold shower shocks your nervous system, and you suddenly feel alive and awakened. You can do this first thing in the morning or before you want to get into action.
5. Exercise
A minimum of 4 days a week of walking or jogging for more than 30 minutes will usually suffice. I often add strength training for its added benefits to health and some stretching either Yoga or Pilates. There have been so many widespread studies and well-written books on the positive effects of exercise that there is little for me to add to this point. Just to say, that it remains a mystery to me why doesn’t everyone exercise.
6. Music
Listening to music that you like for some time during the day can lift your mood and put you in a great state. Also very often singing along with a song will create a stronger positive effect.
7. Regular Stretching
It’s especially important when you have a sedentary job, and you spend a lot of time sitting. Take regular breaks like every hour and stretch for a few minutes. Also, you can spend some time standing up or walking around instead of sitting.
8. Praise yourself
Whenever you accomplish a task or goal, or you feel you have done something great then pat yourself on the back. Studies have shown that the happiest people are those who regularly praise themselves.
9. Gratitude
Being grateful for all things in your life whether big or small can have a profound effect on your happiness and your state. It allows you to focus on what is working in your life and not on the things that are not. This way you don’t take your life for granted and appreciate it much more. It keeps you in an emotional state of wonder and hunger for life itself. It can be done daily when you choose three things to be grateful about and when describing them, then use the full range of emotions felt when you had that feeling of gratitude. Also when showing gratitude to another person, be heartfelt with your words to explain how you feel.
I recognise that the different ways to change your state that I’ve described will not change your life in any way when done alone without overcoming your limiting beliefs or without setting any goals in your life. However putting yourself in a positive state is a tool that you can use to kick-start any action you intend to take towards changing your life.
I’m not saying that you must do each and every technique but the more you put yourself in a positive state then, you are more likely to create that magic in your life.
As is often said that action is the language of the universe and what better way to start getting into action then by getting yourself in the right state.
