Why We Must Feel Insignificant Before We Become Significant

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Photo Credit: Greg Rakozy/Unsplash

“We are inconsequential cosmic dust, bumping and milling about on a tiny blue speck. We imagine our own importance. We invent our purpose–we are nothing.” — Mark Manson

A few years ago, I was under pressure at work, and I was impatient for results. I berated and belittled the efforts of an employee at the company I manage. I kept my tirade going for a few minutes until I realized that tears were flowing down her cheeks.

My ego was in survival mode, screaming at me that my company’s problems were the only significant thing right now. Nothing else mattered. Not the hurt I caused. Not the fact that I embarrassed her and myself in front of the rest of the team.

True, the ego is a survival mechanism. If we don’t see ourselves at the centre of the Universe, we won’t protect ourselves and would lose the incentive to stay alive.

However, the reality is that we would be better served to zoom out, taking a step back and realize that most of what we perceive as fears, dangers or problems pale into insignificance with perspective.

We overcome many of our fears. Most of the perceived dangers never materialise. Most problems get solved sooner or later.

Instead of fooling ourselves into believing our self-importance and wasting our energy putting others down, it would be better to act with humility, be kind, and supportive of each other.

The Pale Blue Dot

On February 14, 1990, the ‘Voyager 1’ probe was about 3.7 Billion miles from Earth and approximately 32 degrees above the ecliptic plane, when it captured this portrait of our world. The result was a hazy image of Earth surrounded by the enormity of space.

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Photo Credit: medium.com

In seeing the image, the late astronomer Carl Sagan said:

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know, everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever was, lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering, thousands of confident religions, ideologies, and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child, inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar,” every “supreme leader,” every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there–on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam. The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds. Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light. Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity, in all this vastness, there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. The Earth is the only world known so far to harbor life. There is nowhere else, at least in the near future, to which our species could migrate. Visit, yes. Settle, not yet. Like it or not, for the moment the Earth is where we make our stand. It has been said that astronomy is a humbling and character-building experience. There is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly with one another, and to preserve and cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”

The ego is the total of all our fears, worries and negative thoughts and provides the incessant inner voice that doubts us and holds us back from whatever opportunity of bewilderment, intuition and awe we might have come our way.

As such it’s always looking for validation and wants to convince us that we are the most important organism in the world when the reality is that we are nothing, but ‘inconsequential cosmic dust.’

If I had taken a step back from my anger and fear, I would have realized that my tirade was unacceptable. The ’tough boss’ image that was a mask didn’t reflect my real inner being and the compassion that I have for my employees.

The mask was instead the false self-image that we represent, and we get trapped into negatively living our lives, which usually means thinking we are the sole reason for the creation of the Universe.

This false self-image is built early on in our lives by the many conditioned beliefs we carry with us. All those paradigms when not worked on crystallize into limiting and self-defeating beliefs and so create the mask that we wear throughout our lives.

For us to acknowledge our uniqueness, power, and authenticity, we must overcome and transcend the ego and go to a place where our truths reside.

We can do so by accepting our own insignificance and that in the grand scheme of things, we hardly matter.

Only then can we start appreciating the Principle of Entanglement that states, “everything—humans, stars, galaxies—is connected to an invisible energy in a place beyond space and time.”

When we give to others, we bring them closer to us, and we also feel connected to them. We feel a sense of universal community, rather than a short-lived feeling of self-importance.

Let’s be kinder with one another, and “cherish the pale blue dot, the only home we’ve ever known.”

Can We Change Who We Truly Are?

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“The snake which cannot cast its skin has to die. As well the minds which are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be mind.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

“I don’t think we can change who we truly are, only what we do,” she said.

Of course, we can change, I wanted to scream. However, the rules of our gathering were that I had to hear her out till she finished or at least for three minutes, whichever came first.

Every last Thursday of the month, a group of us from differing backgrounds meet at the Mint Club, Accra, where we exchange philosophical perspectives based on our experiences, using the Socratic Method developed by founder Christopher Phillips. The meeting is known as the ‘Socrates Cafe’ and is modelled on the book that Phillips wrote in 1996. Today, there are thousands of such gatherings all over the world.

That week’s question was “Can People Change?”

A Socrates Cafe session at Mint Club
A Socrates Cafe session at Mint Club

As the moderator, it’s my job to make sure everyone gets a chance to contribute and that the conversations don’t get out of control so we miss the point of answering the chosen question. This is no mean feat.

Ideas flowed and opinions were exchanged. Tempers flared but at the end we all kind of agreed that people can change. That is, until she said those words that perhaps we don’t change who we truly are. I didn’t have a chance to respond as immediately someone else jumped on her point and others followed.

Yes, We Can Change

There are many stories in the world that show us how people have changed their lives inside out. Change is possible on every level—physical, mental and emotional. What we think, we become has become an open secret—a maxim espoused by many self-help teachers—that has heralded much change and impacted the world positively.

We are a collection of our habits and thus creating and cultivating habits is at the core of manifesting change.

Our minds have two parts; the conscious mind, which is the creative one and the one we have little access to, which is completely controlled by the other part–the sub-conscious mind. This sub-conscious mind is like a recording machine which takes in all the information from our conditioning, the environment, and our behaviour, and it then adds it all up to direct our final actions.

The only way we can affect any change in our lives is to address the sub-conscious mind, and the best way to do this is by repetition and by creating habits. Just think of how we brush our teeth every morning without even thinking, as this has been repeated so much that it has become part of the information that we embed in the mind.

“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”–Aristotle

Over the last 50 years, science and numerous psychological experiments have proved that there is a real power in creating and practicing habits. They confirm that a habit takes anything from 21 days to 60 days to be formed. And if we stick with them, then it will contribute to creating discipline and patience, two attributes that can lead to an accomplished life.

Habits help guide us to that best quality of all—Persistence. As we dive into our practice, we increase our mental stamina, and we tend to finish whatever we started. Finishing a book, or a designated run sends a signal to our brain that we finish everything we start as well as accomplish what we set out to do.

Habits are the highway to change. We can lose weight to become healthier. We can understand and so correct our behaviour by regular introspection. We can improve our relationships by making it a point to schedule tough conversations. We can even become more compassionate if we push ourselves to serve our community regularly. Our emotions much like our muscles need practice.

Anne Lamott, renowned author of Bird by Bird said; “we can change. People say we can’t, but we do when the stakes or the pain is high enough. And when we do, life can change…Nothing keeps us from changing more than our tendency — our willingness — to remain locked into versions of ourselves, into personae and identities barred in by heavy leaden rods of self-righteousness.”

Perhaps, We Don’t Change Who We Are

Driving back home I thought hard about what the woman at the Socrates Cafe said. I wondered if there could be some truth to us not changing who we truly are.

What if our essence remains the same? That essence that is so apparent when we are 7-year olds and say things like “I want to be a singer,” I want to go to the moon,” or “I want to rid the world of all plastic waste.”

What if all the change we do is only about removing the obstacles that have stopped us being who we truly are? We are all different and unique beings each having their own path. However, without reflection on our inner core, we get swept into the duplicity of life and live a life of imitation rather than one of authenticity.

Perhaps, we don’t change our essence, we just change ourselves—our capacity, to be able to accept and remember who we are and why we came here. A musician at heart who remembers that fact will finally leave his corporate job of 20 years and go back to his music.

At the age 40, when asked at a dinner what could’ve been an alternative career for me, I blurted writing without ever understanding why. At the age 45, I inexplicably started writing and plunged myself deep into the literary world.

True, I’ve changed many things in me, both externally and internally, but I like to think that in finding my writing voice, I’ve returned home to my essence.

What do you think of change? Can we change ourselves completely or is it an illusion that the self-help world is trying to thrust upon us?

3 Great Books that remind me that my Ultimate Path is Freedom

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Photo credit: Bertvthul

 

“One must find the source within one’s own Self, one must possess it. Everything else was seeking — a detour, an error.”
― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

Published by Elephant Journal

After my third reading of Hermann Hesse’s Siddhartha, I closed my eyes, drinking in the words and thinking of how these words had unconsciously influenced my self-discovery journey.

I’m certain that everyone needs to embark on a self-discovery journey in his or her lifetime. After all, isn’t that our ultimate purpose in this physical world?

Going to school, finding a great job, parenting, setting up businesses, creating art and admiring beauty are wonderful things, but they are only the means for us to live our journeys.

The end-goal will always be freedom. Freedom to live the way our hearts desire. Freedom to discover who we must become. Freedom to ask why we came into being. Freedom to change our lives and start again, if we are not satisfied.

We tend to lose track of our freedom and get distracted by our fears, circumstances, and the society. We allow the noise around us to drown the whispers that speak of our inner hidden truths.

This is why it’s so important to take a step back every now and then, review our lives, and question our life’s philosophy. Why are we here? Where are we headed? What are the obstacles standing in our way? Can we change our direction?

In The Slight Edge, Jeff Olson argues that:

On its way to landing astronauts safely on the surface of the moon, the Apollo rocket was actually on course only 2 to 3 percent of the time. Which means that for at least 97 percent of the time it took to get from the Earth to the moon it was off course. And it reached the moon—safely—and returned to tell the tale. The Apollo, at the time, was one of the most sophisticated, expensive, and finely calibrated pieces of technology ever devised and was always correcting its own off-course errors twenty-nine minutes out of every thirty.

We always need reminders to keep us on track. We need to be more like the Apollo and constantly correct our course. The three books summarised below are the ones I read regularly so that I’m nudged into self-correcting my direction, path and journey.

1. Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse

“I shall no longer be instructed by the Yoga Veda or the Aharva Veda, or the ascetics, or any other doctrine whatsoever. I shall learn from myself, be a pupil of myself; I shall get to know myself, the mystery of Siddhartha.” He looked around as if he were seeing the world for the first time.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

Siddhartha leaves his home and family in search of enlightenment and starts as an ascetic wandering beggar of the Shramanas. He then meets and learns a lot from the Buddha but he believes that everyone needs to learn by his experience. He cannot accept the Buddha’s teachings even though they are full of wisdom.

Siddhartha renounces his spirituality by falling in love with a beautiful courtesan called Kamala. She introduces him to a merchant called Kamaswami, Siddhartha learns the trade and becomes incredibly successful as the years go by. He now becomes materialistic, starts to gamble and loses his way and his sense of purpose.

One morning after waking from a dream, he reflects upon his life and realizes he is tired of his present life and that he has discarded all that was valuable within himself.

He leaves everything behind and finds himself sitting in front of a river. He befriends the ferryman, allowing both the ferryman and the river to become his spiritual teachers. It is here that he becomes enlightened and learns that all his feelings, experiences and sufferings are part of a great fellowship of all things connected in the cyclical unity of nature.

He now understands that one’s path in life is not only about seeking but also finding. We can learn from great masters like the Buddha, but we can’t mimic their lives, rather, we apply what we learn to our experiences and feelings.

The true Nirvana is by understanding that only the “Now” exists, and the past and future exist only in our minds.

2. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho

“When you want something, all the Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”-Paulo Coelho

Santiago, a young shepherd from Andalusia embarks on a journey after having a recurring dream where a child tells him to seek a treasure at the foot of the Egyptian pyramids. He travels far and wide, learns a lot from different teachers while meeting obstacles. He finally discovers the treasure he was looking for was underneath his bed in his village the whole time.

The underlying message in the book is one of hope and that all roads would eventually lead to a single path that takes us towards our “Personal Legend” or our freedom.

Life is about the journey, the process, the means and not necessarily the outcome. It’s about walking our path, one that we need to create and craft on our own, without any influence from our environment. The book teaches us that the real treasure lies in our hearts thus there is no need to go outside to search for treasure.

The only path to freedom is through our inner world.

3. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull  by Richard Bach

“You have the freedom to be yourself, your true self, here and now, and nothing can stand in your way”.”
― Richard Bach

Jonathan Livingston Seagull is a parable about a seagull who works hard to become the best flying seagull within his seagull community. He withstands being shunned and ridiculed for his dream, and keeps on pursuing this dream driven by his inner craving to be authentic.

All he wants is to be free in order to be himself. He knows there’s more to life than eating and surviving like all the other seagulls and he’s determined on becoming the best flying seagull ever.

Jonathan listens to his inner voice and senses that freedom can only be had by the pursuit of perfection in flying. He continues to follow his path despite the odds, and is courageous and dogged in his pursuit of freedom of his true self.

Every time I re-read any of these books, I’m reminded that I need to seek and find my path, my road less travelled—My freedom. The numerous teachers and heroes around me can inspire me, but I can’t follow their paths.

I am a unique living being and I have to create my unique Path. It won’t be given to me or handed down to me, but it’s for me to forge it, working with the raw materials of whom I am and the understanding of why I came into being.

The 5 Ways Vulnerability Changed My Behaviour And Improved My Life

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’-

Alfred Lord Tennyson

Featured on Elephant Journal and The Brazen Woman

I was giving a seminar on the power of the mind. In the end, I was asked if I was able to change my behaviour with the knowledge I had just imparted upon my students. I paused and gave a weak reply. The truth was I hadn’t changed much. This happened almost six years ago.

However, all that changed when I watched Brené Brown’s TED Talk The Power Of Vulnerability and when I read her book The Gifts of Imperfections. I instinctively knew that this was the missing piece in the puzzle.

Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is the core, the heart, the centre, of meaningful human experiences.” She continues to say that “Vulnerability isn’t good or bad: it’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience.”

At age eleven, my innocence was shattered due to a Coup d’état in Ghana. I had to leave my comfortable, sheltered life, my friends, my school, and my environment. I found myself in a new country, England, with few people like me, and few who liked me.

I quickly learned that, to fit into my new environment meant not to share any dark emotions like fear, shame, grief or disappointment. I had to show that I was tough, cool and almost perfect.

Simply put, I could not be vulnerable and I had to close my heart to protect myself. In doing so, I not only closed myself to the dark emotions but also to the lighter ones and I carried this way of being subconsciously well into my forties.

Until we break down those hardened walls that have been built inside our hearts for so long then we are not capable of being vulnerable enough to be able to change.

These are the five ways that becoming vulnerable transformed my life:

1. Emotions add a charge to thoughts resulting in Action

A thought without emotion is like a bird without its wings. It’s not going to get very far.

As I began to understand the power of vulnerability, I started delving deep into my core using journaling as a tool to dig deeper and deeper into my heart. I learned to access the full range of my emotions so that I could process both pain and joy.

I faced my deepest fears revisiting my past, questioning my beliefs. I got so emotionally fired up that I would regularly cry during my early morning runs. I didn’t know then that I was slowly breaking the impenetrable walls that I had built since my school days teardrop by teardrop.

I recognized that the power of the mind and willpower were sometimes not enough to effect lasting change. The emotions are the “why” of an action; they charge a thought, magnifying its impact substantially. Guilt and disgust at knowing what I needed to and yet not doing so triggered me into action.

2. I am capable of Love

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”- Brené Brown

The more I faced my fears and shed the layers of emotions that were weighing heavily on my heart, the more I loved myself. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves, and so only in loving myself was I capable of receiving and giving love.

My relationships improved and I started trusting people much more. It was like a new world had opened up to me, one that was shut off for a long time. I understood that love is something that we nurture like everything else in life and it doesn’t just magically appear and disappear with a flick of the fingers.

3. I recognize Compassion

 “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognise our shared humanity.”– Pema Chodron

I started to understand what compassion meant and to put myself in the shoes of others for the first time in my life. I was always so self-involved that it was difficult for me to fathom people’s actions and accept them for who they are. But with vulnerability, I accepted myself more and I now see people in a different light as if they were my brothers and sisters.

Three years ago, I started a foundation, Born to be free, where we look after fifty impoverished kids. We take care of their schooling, train them in soccer and teach them basic life lessons. We are giving them options that poverty has taken away from them. Their stories are heartbreaking and relating to them keeps me grounded and keeps me human.

4. I am much more Connected

“The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”- Brené Brown

In his book Social Intelligence: Daniel Goleman explores how the latest findings in biology and neuroscience confirm that we are hardwired for connection and that our relationships shape our biology as well as our experiences.

How can we connect to each other when we have erected barriers inside our hearts?

I now share and give much more of myself and my thoughts, through my talks, writings and most of all my actions.

Also I now accept from others, something, which proved difficult at first, as I wanted to do everything alone, and to feel superior about it. I wanted to feel like I didn’t need anyone.

However, energy has to travel both ways before we can call it true connection.

5. I now understand Shame

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable—it’s the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy.”- Brené Brown

The feeling of shame is universal and if not identified can lurk within us and control our actions and non-actions. Shame makes us feel unworthy and convinces us that we are incapable of doing anything. It grows in silence, secrecy and judgement often leading us to deception, lies and other destructive behaviours.

There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is about who we are. E.g., I am bad. Guilt is about our behaviour. E.g., My behaviour is bad.

Though guilt is a dark emotion, it could be used as a catalyst to initiate change in our behaviour. Shame is much more dangerous as it says we can do little but accept how bad we are and it pushes us into withdrawing, hiding, or instead trying to appease someone when we shouldn’t or worst of all by attacking others to hide our shame.

My art teacher scolded and embarrassed me in front of my classmates when I was thirteen years old and as a result of that I shut the door to my creativity for almost thirty years, ashamed of ever bring up the subject or even daring to enter into the realm of creativity, while convincing myself I was more of a science person. However I’ve now found my creativity through writing and it’s exactly the goodness that has been missing from my life for so long.

Vulnerability is not weakness but rather a path to opening our hearts. When we start to trust our hearts, all fears dissipate and we start accepting that we are imperfect beings living in a not so perfect world.

To live with our hearts open, carrying our wounds and scars with us is very scary but the alternative of not doing so is much scarier.

Vulnerability is the only way to live a full, courageous and authentic life. This is what being human is all about.

6 Lessons I’ve Learned About Life Through Writing

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Photo Credit: David Clode

Published by Elephant Journal

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. Benjamin Franklin

I am a born-again writer, and it’s been nearly three years since I started to write. Writing was a passion that had lain dormant; it was hidden deep in the crevasses of my heart, waiting to explode like a wild volcanic eruption.

This love affair with writing has taken me from depressing lows that I can’t wish on anyone to ecstatic new heights. It’s a love story that can rival that of Henry Miller and Anais Nin.

My journey started with writing my “Morning Pages” as heralded by Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way. I would decipher my dreams and go on to analyze my previous day’s actions and take a deeper look into the fears that were holding me back. It also allowed me to celebrate my wins and constantly reminded me of why I loved myself.

Writing has transformed me and released me from the shackles that have held me back since childhood. It has led to many of my spiritual trysts where I meet my true self and feel the power of grace within me. It has penetrated deep into my soul, always asking and forever searching for the best way for me to be authentic.

I am still in my toddler years as a writer, but already writing has taught me many lessons that I can apply in my life. It has stripped me of my arrogant egoic ways and taken me out the closed-box mentality that was me for so many years.

These are the lessons that I’ve learned from writing:

1. Pain is part of life and nothing to fear.

“When I write, I feel like an armless, legless man with a crayon in his mouth.” —Kurt Vonnegut

Writing is often painful, gut-wrenching, energy sapping and can ruin self-esteem. I hate it when I don’t write as the thought of not doing so hangs over me like a shadow, judging me, labelling me as a loser. I hate it when my mind compares the normalcy of day to day things like doing errands, earning a living, and socializing with the power and allure of doing something I love.

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”- Ernest Hemingway.

Writing is simple but not easy. I hate it when it’s so hard that words get stuck in my throat, chest and heart and their flow from mind to fingers typing away become restricted.

However, the rewards and personal growth I do get from writing makes up for all the pain. It has shown me that pain is often the doorway to awareness and change in our lives. It’s something that’s more powerful than happiness.

How can we grow without pain? What kind of life is living without heartache, tears and blood?

2. Vulnerability is power

“If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people.” -Virginia Woolf

Writing has allowed me to understand why being vulnerable makes me a better man. I am eager to share my thoughts, travails, and success. I want to be heard, and show my true self to the world.

I’ve let down the heavy armour I’ve worn since my adolescence and unveiled my emotional fragility. I now recognise that vulnerability is not weakness but rather, a great power that makes us more connected to others and more engaged in life. I want to feel my way into life, rather than sit behind a mask watching life pass me by.

“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.” John Steinbeck, East of Eden

The thought that there is no perfection in life has liberated me as I now appreciate that life is about being present and being ourselves.

Vulnerability allows us to dig deep into ourselves leading us to our core where all uncertainty, excitement, and meaningful experiences exist. We have a better chance of unravelling the gems that hide beneath the many layers of our ego.

3) Self-Discipline and Grit protects our passion.

“At its best, the sensation of writing is that of any unmerited grace. It is handed to you, but only if you look for it. You search, you break your heart, your back, your brain, and then — and only then — it is handed to you.”—Annie Dillard

We need a strong will and discipline in life to be able to achieve our goals. People assume that just because someone enjoys whatever they are doing means fewer hours of hard work. On the contrary, the people who enjoy what they do and are good at it, whether that’s writing, singing or starting a new business have the steely determination to put in the hard hours.

They realise that the sense of joy will follow when they remain disciplined and committed to that practice. And that the muse will only appear when we prove our diligence and focus deeply on the practice at hand.

The discipline instilled within allows us to turn failures into stepping stones and rejection becomes a detour to bigger and better opportunities.

I’ve had to sacrifice certain things in my life, like social activities but I’ve optimized my life so that I can focus more on my writing. Now, things that don’t mean much to me are slowly losing their value and fading away from my life.

4) Joy is a state of being

“It’s the most satisfying occupation man has discovered yet because you never can quite do it as well as you want to, so there’s always something to wake up tomorrow morning to do.”—William Faulkner

Writing has led me to several experiences that I call spiritual ones. I find myself in “flow” where time just passes and I can feel my heart is singing. The joy I get from completing my job is something I can hardly put into words.

This kind of joy is not like fleeting moments of happiness but something more, an overlying feeling that encapsulates my being, arming me with a deep knowing that I matter in this world, that I belong and most importantly that I am loved.

Listening to some soft classical music and writing early in the morning when I’m all alone before most people are awake remains one of the most joyful experiences that I achieve.

5) The universe is mysterious and on our side

“Understanding is not a piercing of the mystery, but an acceptance of it, a living blissfully with it, in it, through and by it.”—Henry Miller

I often get a thought, an idea on what to write about. It’s usually a question that I want some answers for in my own life. I set an intention to write, for example, about Emotional Intelligence.

Suddenly my mind is flooded with new and different ideas. Also links, books and emails arrive serendipitously to aid me in writing my piece. It’s like the Universe has been invoked to come to my help.

I often start writing about a topic and find myself writing something completely different to what I had intended. I read it again and again and it’s like someone else was writing and it’s a new insight that I never thought about before I started typing away.

6) Serving Humanity makes us grow

“You don’t write because you want to say something, you write because you have something to say.”F. Scott Fitzgerald

Writing has taught me that we all have something to say, something to give and a role to play in life. We are all somehow, connected and as such the more we do give back, the more we grow as human beings.

We often look at the famous writers, billionaires, and social entrepreneurs and think that they are the ones whose duty is to give. We shun our responsibility to give back and more importantly lose the opportunity to grow as human beings.

Writing an article that inspires one person to pursue change and become a better person is as necessary as Bill Gates pledging billions to help eradicate Malaria in Africa within a generation.

The lessons I’ve learned in writing apply to whatever we choose to do in life, whether that’s setting up a business, singing or working at a job we love.

Life is all about finding the platform where we become our authentic selves, which allows us to explore our potential, get us out of our comfort zones so that we can grow in serving humanity.

5 Attributes We Need to Get to Become Emotionally Intelligent

Emotional-Intelligence
Photo Credit: Tim Marshall

Published by Elephant Journal

“Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way”
― Mavis Mazhura

I was sitting in a school board meeting. Things were getting heated; Voices were being raised and heads were shaking as egos battled it out and there was no agreement on the proposed motion. I was agitated and felt wronged as my opinion was being ignored. I was ready to scream at the next person who would speak out.

Suddenly, Tim, who was usually quiet, spoke up. His voice was soft, calm and yet assertive. We all kept quiet and listened as he continued to moderate our arguments and followed up by explaining each viewpoint. Within thirty minutes, we all came to a consensus.

Tim was “Emotionally Intelligent” and I was not.

This concept of emotional intelligence was championed by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., a well-known writer and researcher on leadership who wrote the best-seller Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.

He went on to confirm why many people with a high IQ were outperformed by many with good social intelligence in the workplace, schools and homes. Emotional intelligence is something that is intangible and difficult to measure. It is a road map to achieving the results we want in our life and can lead us to live a fulfilling life.

What exactly is Emotional Intelligence? Psychology Today says it’s:

  1. The ability to accurately identify your own emotions, as well as those of others.
  2. The ability to utilise emotions and apply them to tasks, like thinking and problem-solving.
  3. The ability to manage emotions, including controlling your own, as well as the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.

However, for us to understand Emotional Intelligence then we need to embrace the five components below:

  1. Self-Awareness

People who are self-aware understand their emotions and as such don’t allow themselves to let their feelings get out of control. They reflect on themselves regularly, recognising what they are good at and what they aren’t.

They know when to maximise their strengths and how to manage their weaknesses so it doesn’t hold them back. They appreciate that there is nothing called perfection and admit their vulnerability, and take responsibility of their mistakes as much as their successes.

In Brené Brown’s  TED Talk, the Power of Vulnerability, she explains how  embracing our imperfections raises our self-awareness.

2.Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is where we manage and control our emotions, moods and reactions. These people take a few deep breaths to think before reacting and as such respond much better to challenging situations.

They don’t allow anger, jealousy or some other form of fear to affect their decisions and are conscious of their reactions knowing why they reacted in a certain manner. They are comfortable saying no, and lead well-balanced lives. They usually eat well, get plenty of sleep and have many interests outside their work or relationships.

In the above example at the school board meeting, Tim displayed his self-regulatory way of thinking by not only controlling his emotions but being able to direct all of us to an agreement.

3.Motivation

This is the ability to push ourselves towards our goals, harnessing our emotions to take action, commit and follow through with them.

Self-discipline and willpower are important attributes of their character as they are willing to forgo instant gratification for long-term results. They are highly productive, effective and positive about life and don’t allow people or situations to bring them down. They are very much results-oriented.

Tony Robbins is a world renowned motivational speaker and author. He has authored many self-help books, including Awaken the Giant Within. I’ve been to one of his events, Unleash the power from within, and I can confidently say he’s one who lives by what he preaches. His ability to push his fans to achieve goals is matched only by what he’s done in motivating himself.

4.Empathy

This is the ability of people to not only listen to others but also to discern and understand people’s feelings to such an extent, that they put themselves in the other’s shoes. They don’t stereotype and judge but rather are willing to accept all kinds of opinions and viewpoints. They are open, honest and have a great ability to manage relationships.

Mother Theresa, Gandhi, and Dalai Lama are great symbols for empathy, but there are many around us, who often surprise us with how genuine and empathetic they are. They make us feel safe, heard and that we do matter in this life.

5.Social Skills

These are the team players, who park their egos aside and focus on developing others instead. They are great communicators, manage disputes and are great at building and maintaining relationships. They adapt quickly to situations and aren’t afraid of change and are curious about life and what it has to offer.

My colleague Allison displays this kind of leadership; a smile is always on her face, making it easy for anyone to approach her. She continually asks of the well being of her staff and is the first to praise them for doing a good job yet she knows how and when to criticize them.

Emotional intelligence is something we can learn and cultivate in our lives. We are usually stronger with one aspect than the other but we can develop all five so that we become better leaders of our lives, whether at our workplace, our home or our environment.

It can also help guide us in any circumstances we find ourselves, whether we are bankers, business owners, mothers, friends, artists or people living simple lives traversing the joys and vicissitudes of life.

It’s not something that is easy to accomplish within a few months but rather it’s a journey over many years. It’s a roadmap of “How” to live our lives, rather than the “Why” or “What” of life.

7 Questions That Help Us Delve Deep Into Knowing Thyself

know thyself
Photo Credit: Mi Pham

Published by Elephant Journal

A journey of self-discovery is also one of self-enquiry, so the more information we gather on ourselves, the clearer we become. When we are looking for a partner, we ask everything about them: from their likes to their dislikes.

We want to know every little detail; what excites them, what puts a smile on their face, what makes them tick.We become curious about the books they read and the movies they watch; we crave to become aquainted with everything that makes them who they are.

However, when it comes to ourselves, we presume we know it all, without dedicating enough time and effort to research ourselves. We allow the world to judge us, give us titles and names that don’t apply to our true selves. We end up being tagged and put into a compartment that isolates us for many years and stops us from finding what our true aspirations are.

What were we like when we were growing up?

What interests or practices do we completely lose ourselves in?

What are our strengths and weaknesses? And most importantly what are our aspirations—How do we imagine our lives to be?

Often, the quickest way to get to know ourselves is when we face a traumatic situation, or when our backs are against the wall, or when we are thrown in at the deep end at a new job. Our ego is cast aside as we need to learn quickly about ourselves and handle the emergency on hand.

However, most of the time that’s not the case, and we need to be proactive and stir the pot to start discovering who we truly are by simply asking meaningful questions about ourselves.

“Know Thyself” was inscribed in the temple of Apollo at Delphi, almost three thousand years ago. The wisdom of those two words still speaks loudly today.

I’ve found that when we take some time off, preferably for a few days to sit alone and analyse ourselves as we would on any other subject, we get to know a lot about ourselves and kick-start an adventure of self-discovery that lasts a lifetime.

These are some tests and questions to start the process:

1) Do a Personality test.

The Myers-Brigg test is not the only way to analyse our personality, but it’s been used extensively in the corporate world for almost fifty years now and gives us a fair idea of who we truly are.

There are many variations and sites, but I’ve found the 16personalites.com to be a good one.

It wasn’t until much later in my life that I did the Myers-Brigg personality test and found out I was an INTJ–an introverted thinker who needs a lot of time alone to be able to recharge my batteries.

That was in complete contrast to how I was living, and it banished the thought that I was weird and different to others, and I finally understood why I craved solitude, even though I could be quite extroverted in small doses.

2) What are our strengths?

Positive Psychology has dominated our lives for the last few decades, and it’s simply the study of what makes us happy and the activities that we can do more off to infuse that spark in our lives.

Martin Seligman is the founding father of Positive Psychology and his insistence on finding our strengths and maximizing them has supported the self-help field that is so prevalent today.We need to discover our strengths and try to find ways to activate them in our lives and contrastingly not to focus on our weaknesses but just manage them.We need not glorify our weaknesses.

His now famous VIA signature strengths test has been completed by millions.

My top strength turned out to be my love of learning, and it explains why I’m happy to be continually learning even in my mid-forties. My second strength was the curiosity I have for the world which validates my longing to travel and to understand everything the world has to offer. My third strength is wisdom, which comes as no surprise since my first existential questions started when I was ten.

3) What are our core values?

Values are core beliefs that we have developed over the years. They are the ethics that we feel so strongly about and the points of view that we find ourselves arguing for in conversations. They are what drive us from the minute we open our eyes, till the moment we sleep.

Our beliefs are often complicated by our upbringing, society, and the effect that the media has on us, and as such we need to dig deep and find what truly are our values. We should avoid the ones that would make us fit in with our peer group and rather choose what is authentic to us.

I’ve found the short E-book, Aligning with your core values by Tim Brownson to be very useful in identifying my values.

I’m very clear on mine after years of defining them by learning and looking out for what I feel strongly about. My values include self- control, growth, freedom, wisdom, inner peace, creativity and authenticity.

4) Who do you look up to? Who are your mentors? Who inspires you?

I appreciate social entrepreneurship and what it offers to the world because it covers most of my values. And as such I’m always inspired by people who create ingenious ideas to give back to our society.

Muhammad Yunus, founder of Grameen Bank also won the 2006 Nobel Prize for his efforts in providing microcredit loans to those in need to help them develop financial self-sufficiency in poor developing countries like his home country Bangladesh.

I also admire my late grandfather who would act like a modern day Robin Hood by asking for money from the wealthy and then buying essential foods, and personally delivering to all the poor and homeless in Tyre, Lebanon. He wore the same clothes, drove a very old car and continued doing what he did well into his eighties.

5).   What makes you happiest in your life? What excites you? What do you do that makes you feel invincible?

When I’m sitting alone, and I’m writing a poem or prose, it comes naturally and deep from my heart, and I know my words will touch many hearts, that is when I’m at my happiest.

I believe in the power of words and the effect they can have on inspiring people and when I see people inspired to change and to claim their authenticity then that makes me feel invincible.

6) What careers do you find yourself dreaming of?

I dream of impacting the world with my writing the way Rumi, Kahlil Gibran, and Ernest Hemingway have. Their words touch people’s hearts and are immortal, affecting generation after generation. Their writings and words are a pathway to reach our souls, and that’s the path I want to be in all my life.

7) If you were able to be a member of the audience at your own funeral (in 100 years or so) what would you want to hear people say?

I want people to say that I’ve inspired many to find their rightful paths—their long road back to their hidden inner beings. I want to be remembered for leading the authenticity revolution amidst the clamor and noise for living other people’s lives and values.

I want to be known for waking people up to the simple fact that it’s not always about the money, the success and accumulations of possessions and achievements. Rather in the words of Abraham Maslow, I want everyone to “become who they must be.”

11 Quotes By Kahlil Gibran That Are Indelibly Stamped In My Heart.

prophet

Published by Elephant Journal

There is one book I carry with me wherever I go-The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran.

Every time I read a few pages, I start to feel an inner tingling in my heart, and my soul starts chirping like the nightingale he so lyrically describes. It’s true that I cling to his words harder than the average person, because we both come from Lebanon. However, his great fame and works both as a poet and an artist has had a profound effect on many people around the world.

Gibran wrote in both Arabic and English, and his best work was produced in the era of the roaring twenties in New York, USA. He was influenced by the free thought and exuberance of that time, and he was regularly associated with W.B. Yeats, Carl Jung and August Rodin. His seminal book The Prophet is amongst the best-selling books of all time after the Bible and Shakespeare’s collections.

Though his books were initially ignored by critics, they have influenced world leaders like J.F.Kennedy, The Beatles and many millions around the globe.There is both simplicity and beauty to his writings that reach far and wide. They offer spiritual and philosophical musings on God, love, family, work, death and many other threads that unite humanity.

Below are 11 quotes from Gibran that I read regularly, and that are indelibly stamped in my heart:

1) “Your daily life is your temple and your religion.”
2)“You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts.”
3)“Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music. Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts. And stand together, yet not too near together: For the pillars of the temple stand apart, And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”
4)“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.”
5)“Some of you say, “Joy is greater than sorrow,” and others say, “Nay, sorrow is the greater.”
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.”
6)“You give but little when you give of your possessions.It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.”
7)“I love you when you bow in your mosque, kneel in your temple, pray in your church. For you and I are sons of one religion, and it is the spirit.”
8)“No man can reveal to you aught but that which already lies half asleep in the dawning of your knowledge.The teacher who walks in the shadow of the temple, among his followers, gives not of his wisdom but rather of his faith and his lovingness.If he is indeed wise he does not bid you enter the house of his wisdom, but rather leads you to the threshold of your own mind.”
9)“When you love you should not think you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.”
10)“Say not, ‘I have found the truth,’ but rather, ‘I have found a truth.’ Say not, ‘ I have found the path of the soul.’ Say rather, ‘I have met the soul walking upon my path.’ For the soul walks upon all paths. The soul walks not upon a line, neither does it grow like a reed. The soul unfolds itself, like a lotus of countless petals.”
11)“Work is love made visible. And if you can’t work with love, but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of the people who work with joy”

My Rules of Engagement

My Rules of Engagement
Photo Credit: Aaron Burden
My Liberty means:
  • Not infringing on my right to choose, from which country to live in, to which ice-cream flavor I like.
  • Not pushing me to second-guess my decisions, even though I wasn’t certain the first time round.
  • Not forcing me to justify my actions, over and over again.
My Freedom means:
  • Allowing me to make decisions that are right for my soul, even though they could be wrong for your EGO.
  • Recognizing not to compromise my values, interests, and principles.
  • Respecting my carefully drawn out boundaries.
  • Not impugning on my time, no matter how futile you think I spend it and no matter how little I give it.
My Intentions are:
  • I will be present and mindful rather than succumb to my thoughts.
  • I will enjoy what I’m doing and not focus only on achieving.
  • I will rather get challenged than be comfortable.
  • I will rather get engaged than oblivious.
  • I will use my imagination to create rather than become creatively impotent.
  • I will praise ten times to every one time I criticise.
  • I will not judge anyone but be willing to accept.
  • I will work towards Compassion rather than indifference.
  • I will follow my true path and not the path of others.
  • I will learn like a scavenger looking for learnings everywhere I can.
  • I will commit to growth as if it’s my sole intention for living.
  • I will serve mankind as if every single one is part of my family.
  • I will care for the environment as if it was the home I built with my own two hands.

4 Ways to Discover Authenticity

Discovering-Myself
Photo Credit: Morgan Sessions

“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Published by Elephant Journal

I was bored, ambivalent and felt no passion for life. My business was going through tough times, and my kids were growing up so fast that they had little time for me.

I was getting regular bouts of flu and was just not feeling good about myself.I looked closely at the mirror. I didn’t like what I saw. How had the last twenty years flown by? Why couldn’t I recall any great moments?

The brutal truth was that I had become a robot, a man tied down to responsibilities and tasks. I wore a straitjacket and labeled it as my life. I found myself in an existential crisis.

Has everything I’ve done in my 40-year existence not been what I wanted?

Who am I?

What am I living for?

I didn’t have any answers, but at least, I now had the will to search and ask. My search inevitably led to one word—Authenticity.

Authenticity doesn’t just mean being honest about ourselves. It doesn’t just mean living a positive and giving life. It doesn’t mean being a new-agey person who doesn’t eat meat and meditates all the time.

Authenticity is rather becoming the master of our lives. The word authenticity has Latin roots which today means “Author.” This mastery of life we choose is based on our Values, Principles and Aspirations.

The world-renowned Psychologist Abraham Maslow says: ”What a man can be, he must be.” He later went on to call this concept the need for Self-Actualization.

For me, it means recognizing that:

  • We are spirit, a part of a supreme being coming into human form to have this Physical experience on earth.
  • We are here to shed layer after layer of our density, to become lighter and find our inner core, or in other words learn and grow.
  • We have a unique gift or talent and we must find it and work on it, as it will give us the greatest platform to be who we must be and so serve humanity.

These are some ways to start our self-discovery journey into becoming authentic:

1)Looking at the Mirror

We start by questioning, reflecting and analysing the way we are living our lives. We must realise that our only goal in life is to live authentically.

We need to recognise that suffering comes from us not being authentic, not awakening and not connecting to our real selves. We can’t allow the ego and its many faces such as anger, greed and fear to sidetrack us from our true path.

We are lulled into a false sense of belief and remain in a comfort zone that paralyses us into seeking an easy path but not the right way.We do things because we have to. We take jobs to survive. We follow the herd and get caught up in living a life that is not meant for us.

My journey started almost seven years ago when I decided I needed to change and seek a more meaningful life.It all started with an intention and the right books,teachers and lessons quickly came my way.

2)Ego is tamed

Often, the only way to awaken to our authenticity is when it’s enforced onto us, and where the ego is finally shattered into submission and the chattering mind subsides allowing our hearts to take a more active role in guiding us to our authentic path.

When we fall hopelessly in love, the mind’s hold on us eases, and our heart starts feeling and creating a new path for us. People in love are often in an inspired mood, get a spring in their step, or see the intensity of colours they never saw before.

We start recognising our values, formulating our principles, and it’s often the time when we allow ourselves to dream those big dreams. Our hearts are purring, and we get a glimpse of our true selves.

Other times, it could take a traumatic event that subdues the ego.I went through a few horrible years where my business was failing, and my nephew had a near-fatal accident.These events led me to drop my egoic armour and see that what used to work for me, doesn’t anymore.It was the pain that I suffered that finally forced me to start questioning my life.

3)Get inspired by heroes

There are many heroes, famous or not; that inspire us to live an authentic life.Buddha’s enlightenment and his clear, logical dogma, making us directly responsible for our lives or Hemingway’s larger than life existence where he coupled great writing with wonderful real-life experiences are the ones that inspire me most.

However, our biggest heroes are those who live amongst us, in our families and communities, where we see them first hand doing what they love effortlessly. We see them in their element, enjoying what they do and we feel it viscerally and our hearts scream with joy.

I was inspired by my grandfather’s final years. At the age of 83, he would get up very early, pray and then set off in collecting monies and food from those people who could afford it, to give to those who didn’t—the poor and the homeless. He was relentless, and I saw his eyes light up when he set off, and his energy never wavered, often coming back very late at night.

4) Know Thyself

Authenticity requires self-knowledge and self-awareness. We must accept our strengths and weaknesses and know that they connect with our values and desires. And most importantly we need to act deliberately in ways that are consistent with those qualities.

A journey of self-discovery is also one of self-enquiry, so the more information we gather on ourselves, the better.

Over the past seven years, I did all kinds of personality, strengths and behaviour tests that helped me in understanding myself. I asked my family and friends to identify my strengths, weaknesses and what I represented to them.I went back to my childhood to investigate what I was like.I experimented on what piqued my interest to see if it was worthwhile pursuing.

I’ve found that I need a lot of solitary time; I’ve found writing to be the best way to share parts of me in this world and recognising that what my soul needs more than anything is inner peace and presence.

To be authentic is to be in a place that feels right, where everything you think, say and do are the same.It’s like we’re a river flowing effortlessly downstream, manoeuvring easily around any obstacles that get in our way.

Authenticity means being willing to sacrifice any relationship, situation or circumstance that violates your truth.It doesn’t mean you don’t have bad days, but at least, you are fully alive to handle them.

Authenticity is not something that when acquired means you need not do anymore but rather a continuous process.