Am I Onto My Bone ?

moissa

I fear not the man who has practiced 10,000 kicks once, but I fear the man who has practiced one kick 10,000 times. -Bruce Lee

Published in Rebelle Society:

After reading up on this New Age spirituality concept, I felt this absolute overwhelm within me.

Have I been wasting my time the last six months? I thought.

Can I get a physical pat on the back from some higher entity that would somehow direct me to the path of enlightenment?

I started my life-awakening journey almost 8 years ago and I have consumed books, ideas and teachers as if I had only a few days left to live. I really loved some of them, ditched others and bitched about one or two.

However many teachers have left their mark on me:

  • Buddha’s teachings, on the four noble truths and the eight-fold path to enlightenment. I think no other religious teacher hands power to us personally to reach inner peace.
  • Hemingway for being larger than life and showing us that life is all about real life action. If you want to write about the Spanish Civil War, and then you must go there to witness it.
  • Herman Hesse’s Siddhartha knew that essential truths couldn’t be taught; they must be learned through life experiences. His search for enlightenment echoes mine and the lesson here is that we need to balance the learning with experiencing. The river proved ultimately to be Siddhartha best teacher.

The Ideas that I loved include:

  • The Subconscious Mind; the receptor of all our feelings, habits and conditioning over the years controls our conscious mind almost exclusively. So we can’t change anything with ourselves till we address the emotional subconscious mind, which has been worked on since birth.
  • The Law of Attraction, which states you attract the essence of whatever you are focusing your energy on– whether wanted or unwanted. We create what we really want in our lives.
  • We are all interconnected in a divine matrix known as a space of potentiality. This is an intelligent field of energy, which is the source of all creation. We are all somehow connected to it, but only if we experience our true nature.

I feel I’m applying many of the above ideas in my life, yet I also sometimes feel very much lost. I feel like I need a big calling or platform to allow me to practice all of the lessons I’ve learned, otherwise I will feel aimless and lose heart.

Thoreau said: “Do what you love. Know your own bone; gnaw at it, bury it, unearth it, and gnaw it still.”

I need a task that is big enough for a lifetime. I need something that can get me “onto my bone.”

I need that “one thing” that can fit Deepak Chopra’s Law of Dharma measure.

This feeling of being lost and needing a way to practice these new ideas was reinforced when I met Elaine, a Reiki teacher. She had that inner glow and was insanely calm.

That’s what I need, I thought, when we first met. That’s it, nothing more and nothing less. I need whatever she’s on.

I found out that she had devoted her life to learning and teaching only Reiki. She didn’t give up and try Theta healing, which many “new age” healers have started to get into as the new thing.

She uses only Reiki to ask all her questions and to get all her answers. She uses it to grow, raise her awareness and serve people around her.

I recall a scene in the movie, The Last Samurai, starring Tom Cruise. He spends some time in a quiet, peaceful village hiding where everyone is happily and dutifully going about their tasks. The Samurais living in the village are bound by a strict code of honour and discipline, and devote their time to improving their skills. They do it mindfully, peacefully and so happily. You could almost feel their content and inner peace radiating from the screen.

How I wish sometimes that I were living in that era, and in that particular village.

It isn’t only with so-called “spiritual” people that I’ve witnessed such devotion to a calling. I have seen this inner glow in many people around me.

I have seen it with a baker, who would open his bakery at 4am and work till noon greeting every customer with a smile and saying beautiful loving words to everyone who entered his shop.

The image of the housewife who simply gets sucked into a life of comfortable pleasures and who offers little to the household was turned on its head when I met Delores. She showed me in her own way that home making was her calling. She did it with great joy and was the rock upon which her whole family and friends leaned on.

I’ve envied those with a simple life, simple needs, and those who seem to get excited about anything and everything.

I’m learning that we are all very unique and have different strengths; niches and ways that make us grow. What makes me tick is very much different than what makes 99% of people around me tick.

I do understand that the courses I’ve completed, the books I’ve read, and the lessons I’ve learnt will not automatically reveal my Dharma.

However I feel I’m missing something and it’s like I’m in the middle of the ocean and I can’t see anything behind me and there is no sign of land ahead.

I feel I’m interested in everything but committed to nothing.

What is that one particular thing that can answer all my questions?

Unless, off course, that is the whole point. That the “one thing,” my calling, my Dharma, is to be interested in everything and committed to nothing.”

That is, perhaps the fact that I’m so non-committal allows me the freedom and intuition to delve into a trial-and-error, spiritual bucket list, addressing the big questions out there for me.

My questioning might be a kind of investigative reporting, and in that way, help others around me ask and find answers to their own questions.

When I think about it this way, I don’t feel like a poor lost soul who is hung up on new age spirituality, but rather someone in action who helps others like me. As Gandhi would say, I am being the change that I wish to see in the world.

When I began considering that this was my calling, I decided to put my “one thing” to Deepak Chopra’s 3 Component Law of Dharma test. Here’s what was revealed:

Q) We are here to discover our true self and to find out that we are essentially spiritual beings having a human experience.

A) Yes. I am always asking questions and getting answers that push me towards my higher self. I do truly believe we are spiritual beings having an earthly experience.

Q) What is my unique talent and how can I express it?

A) My talent is that I’m curious and courageous enough to ask the big questions. I’m open-minded to accept new learning’s, read, and never be satisfied with one idea. This search takes me into some kind of timeless awareness of who I am and where I am.

Q) How can I serve humanity?

A) There are many people out there who are as lost and confused as I am. As I stay committed to non-commitment, I remain a receptor to new ideas and teachings, and I’m able to express and communicate those ideas outwards to my tribe.

My Dharma is to awaken to my true self, live all the experiences that are possible to me and inspire others to the same.

The questioning I do puts me on the road that leads to the biggest question of all-Thoreau’s “am I onto my bone?”

At the end of the day my “one thing” has led me to no-thing and then finally to nothing. Isn’t that feeling of nothing the essence of what all the great spiritual masters tell us we must reach?

Reclaiming My Authenticity

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”~ E.E. Cummings

As published in ElephantJournal

As I sat gazing out of my window, almost motionless and thoughtless, my mind froze and then one thought screamed at me:

What if I died today? Have I lived the life I wanted to live?

It’s no surprise that these questions came up for me a month or so after reading Leo Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilych, where the protagonist lay in his bed asking those same questions after leading a life he somehow fell into rather than one he chose.

That was almost 14 years ago, and unbeknownst to me, my claim for authenticity had begun.

Authenticity does not simply mean only being honest or having integrity—it means much more.

Maslow says: ”What a man can be, he must be.” He later went on to call this concept the need for self-actualization.

Brené Brown in her ground breaking book, The Gifts of Imperfection, says, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.”

For me, authenticity is our higher self crying out to be seen and heard, and constantly battling with our egoic mind, reminding us that our earthly journey is really all about our souls coming out to play, finding new ways to be and new things to experience, and to learn from those experiences.

Yet, most of us live our lives following rules and paths that don’t apply to our higher selves. We step onto the endless treadmill of life. We live by getting things done and crossing items of our to-do lists. We get caught up in the cycle of doing things for the sake of doing them.

We forget the big picture of what matters most.

We forget what makes us laugh.

We forget the sound of our heart’s pounding.

We forget the joy of play.

We even forget how to connect with each other.

Authenticity is not a trait you inherit or a quality we are born with—it’s a choice we make every day. The more consistent we are with choosing authenticity, the more quickly we will uncover what “we must be.”

Some have been blessed with finding their authenticity early in their lives, usually sparked by extraordinary circumstances.

Buddha, for example, became instantly awakened one day upon leaving his palace, when he saw for the first time the ugly realities of life. Hemingway went into the First World War as a Red Cross volunteer and came back with the seeds of the writing genius he was going to be.

My claim for authenticity is not as exciting or remarkable as the examples mentioned above, but it’s the only story that I can say much about.

These are some of the paths that led to me reclaiming my authenticity:

Reading

As simple as it sounds, taking up reading again after I stopped—because I was so serious about life—helped take me out of my closed-box mentality and show me that there are many other worlds out there. Reading showed me the many possibilities available to any one of us. It also led me to many of the things that I love today, such as writing, learning and keeping my mind open.

Exercise

I was always involved in sports when I was at school, but somehow forgot all about movement and exercise when I settled down in the “normal way of life.” Don’t ask me why. I have no real answer.

Running, going to the gym and playing soccer raises the level of my endorphins and enhances my general mood, which trickles into the rest of my life in all kinds of ways.

Being Spiritual

I’m talking about being spiritual here, which to me is different than being religious. I define spirituality as my own direct relationship with a supreme being.

We live in a world where middlemen are proving ineffective and are soon to be obsolete. As such, I will not allow any religious leader or their agents to hijack my personal relationship with a supreme being.

I understand the inherent worth of all religions and accept many of their wonderful teachings but I’m not tied down to any of their dogma.

I really believe we live more than just this one life. I see our journey as one of learning and experience, where we evolve into greater beings.

My Rituals

Over the years I have developed several habits that I do consistently, and they have proved to be the cornerstone of my new way of being.

I love getting up early to allow the sound of silence and the view of the sun rising to permeate my soul.

I spend a few minutes when I wake up being grateful for what I have from the small things to the bigger things in my life.

Sitting in stillness or meditating for 20 minutes a day cultivates the peace I need in my life to help me in my path to authenticity.

I spend a minimum of 30 minutes every morning Journaling out anything and everything—my feelings, reflections, and current thought patterns.

Solitude

I can’t say enough about how this has helped me in my life. I have learned to enjoy myself alone, reflect and analyze what is right for me.

I have learned to distinguish between the noises that torment me from the music that enlivens me.

I have started appreciating nature and being out in the open more often than not. I now love to stare in awe at the beauty of life that is around me, whether it’s a 100-year old tree or a flock of seagulls flying just above me.

Fuck Society and Its Rules

I look at what matters the most to me when deciding how to spend my day or what to do with my energy. I’ve started using Steven Covey’s principle of “begin with the end in mind” in many situations, using my authenticity and fulfillment as the goal I’m moving towards.

Why do I need to go to a dinner where all we discuss has already been discussed?

Do I really need the latest iPhone? (Yes, after seeing the new 6.)

Why are most of us defined by our work or employment status?

Why do I have to agree with a certain opinion or tradition even if I don’t care much for it?

I feel I have just started applying this principle, yet have found that it has given me freedom and power like never before.

I’m finally realizing that most of us live like sheep, not because we are happy, but to avoid disrupting the status quo of our lives.

We fight day and night to stay in our comfort zones. We crave the sense of belonging that society gives us.

Sometimes I feel we are living in George Orwell’s 1984 dystopia, and big brother is not only watching us but has already lived our lives for us.

Creativity

We are all unique individuals, and it’s through our creativity that we are able to express our true selves and allow our real voices to be heard.

I grew up assuming that creativity meant being born a Hemingway and producing a book like The Old Man and the Sea or becoming Picasso and painting Les Demoiselles d’Avignon.

Since I started getting more creative, doing small things like writing blogs and creating picture quotes on instagram, I have found inner satisfaction that has flowed into all areas of my life.

Again, the more I practice this muscle of creativity, the better I get and the more inner joy I feel within me.

So have I reclaimed my full authenticity?

Am I who I must be?

No, I’m not even halfway there.

I am sure in the coming years I will uncover many new aspects of my self. I will expand on the practices that I’m doing now.

Yet, for now, I know I’m on the right path and am enjoying the journey to my authenticity.

Every day, I look forward even more to becoming who I must be.