We Can’t Stop Anxiety, but we can Learn from it

Photo Credit: Vic Tor

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I awoke with a strange feeling. My heart was skipping beats. My stomach churned. I didn’t want to leave the comfort of my bed.

I finally forced myself out of bed and moved to the quiet area where I meditate. I felt momentarily relieved, but couldn’t isolate the source of my anxiety.

I had spent the few weeks prior celebrating my 18-year-old daughter’s graduation. (Or was it consoling myself for her impending leave of absence?) I also had many events planned that took me out of my usual comfort zone—namely launching a new initiative The Authenticity Project and speaking at TEDxAccra for the second time.

My emotional state was not ideal. I was full of fears about how I would handle the imminent empty nest syndrome and worries about my events going smoothly. Due to family and social obligations, I couldn’t embrace the reading and writing practices I had developed to cope with any emotional challenges, which only amplified my fears. And to top it all off, I would need to travel three times within the next few months, which always causes me anxiety.

The launch passed successfully, my talk went better than I had expected, and my daughter was ecstatic throughout her graduation week. I felt immense relief and joy every time I ticked off an event.

However, something still lurked in my subconscious after the anxiety-inducing events had passed. The butterflies I had felt earlier still roamed inside me, paralysing my actions, affecting my productivity, and diminishing my ability to live in the present.

I felt restless, and over the days that followed I would fall into a slight funk.

Why had those events caused me so much anxiety? Why, even after they had passed, was I still anxious? After so much self-work, why did I still have to go through these dark episodes?

We human beings have a primitive, built-in system that protects us from perceived threat or harm, be it physical (an impending saber-toothed tiger waiting to attack) or emotional (the empty nest syndrome I was facing). It’s called the fight or flight response and is activated by an area of our brain known as the hypothalamus, which releases stress hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol.

These stress hormones affect us physiologically: our breathing increases, our heart rate goes up, and we feel a nervous tension. We become more aware of our surroundings, our pupils dilate, our senses get sharper, and we are in fight or flight mode.

In survival mode, we default to our primordial, emotional mind and bypass our rational mind, which holds all our positive thoughts, newly formed beliefs, and good habits. Overwhelmed, we lose the ability to relax. When we spend a lot of our lives in this reactive mode, we bury many of our dark emotions—childhood traumas, insecurities around what other people think, fear of not being enough, fear of failure—deep into an abyss where it’s next to impossible to shine our awareness on them.

After all my anxiety-filled commitments passed, I found myself stuck in fight or flight mode.

Though it’s true that anxiety is a negative state, it’s not all bad. After all, it can lead us out of survival mode, pushing us to embrace important personal growth concepts and face the emotional issues that we’ve buried.

Here are three of the most meaningful ways my anxieties have helped me grow:

Awareness of our fears

“Everything you want is on the opposite side of fear.” ~ Jack Canfield

Most of us live within ourselves, absorbed by our thoughts and feelings. The only way out is to become aware of our polarising fears and then confront them head on.

We are not our thoughts. We are not our emotions. We are not our fears. We are rather the observer who sits behind the scenes and watches these thoughts and emotions appear randomly. As we grow to understand that we don’t have to identify with any negative emotions, we can start to catch ourselves in the midst of expressing them.

Fears are part of life. We must embrace these “fear” emotions by allowing them to surface. We need to sit with our negative feelings (no matter how painful they are) and feel the sadness when someone hurts us or life deals us a bad hand. We have to cry our eyes out sometimes.

We need to stop pushing these emotions away.

As I journaled and wrote out my feelings, my awareness grew: the things I was petrified of were less than the anxiety I was feeling.

I brought my fears out, put them on paper, mulled over them. Some were real—my daughter is leaving in a few months—that thought was painful and made me cry.

However, others lost their effect on me as soon as I became aware of them, such as my impending travel to Vermont for my MFA (leaving my home always invokes unwanted anxieties). Yet completing this program is a lifelong dream, so when I visualised how I would spend my ten days there, I felt much better.

Self-acceptance

“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond the winning.” ~ Lao Tzu

Living fearlessly and authentically is about accepting ourselves fully. We are perfect and yet imperfect. We are pure love and yet riddled with fear and self-doubt.

Self-acceptance does not mean being lazy and settling for mediocre results. Rather, it means we give our best in whatever we pursue, but don’t get attached to the results of our efforts. We compare ourselves not to others, but to who we were before. We forsake this concept of perfection, as it doesn’t exist, and become vulnerable, putting ourselves out there and trusting that the universe will support our intentions.

I was anxious before my speaking gig because I wanted everything to go perfectly. I wanted to be the best speaker out there. I was attached to the results of my actions, when I needed to accept that I could only do my best and I couldn’t control any external outcome.

Just before I got on to speak, I asked myself a simple question: “Is there anything that I’m not accepting about myself that is increasing my anxiety?” The answer came to me in a flash: “Yes, I can be imperfect, and even if I forget a few words here and there, the point is to try my best.” That calmed me immediately, and I spoke confidently and well.

Embracing Uncertainty

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~ Tony Robbins

Fear of uncertainty strikes deep into our psyche. Probably the biggest thief of happiness out there today is the weight of wanting things to happen in a certain way. We try to impose certainty on everything we do, and with that come many expectations.

These expectations paralyse us. They don’t allow us to be present or fully alive. We get stuck in regret about the past and fear about the future. Instead of fixating on certainty, we must embrace uncertainty.

On the day of the event for The Authenticity Project, I arrived early and was like a German Shepherd on the watch, prowling and barking out orders. I interfered with and interrupted the team responsible for setting up. I wanted everything in a certain way. Finally, my daughter whispered to me, “Dad, are you going to take a chill pill and enjoy the event?” I quickly snapped out of my “survival certainty mode” and relaxed so I could enjoy the night.

No matter how hard we try to control anxiety, it will still show up unannounced, ready to paralyse us. We can’t stop it, but we can manage it. Each person’s anxiety is unique, and as such we must each find our own way of managing it. But I believe we should all use our anxiety to question our psychology, rather than accepting it as the end result.

Let’s embrace our anxiety as a trigger—a tool to dig deep into our psyche and address the cause of our emotional pain.

How Facing Death in Paris reminded me What Matters Most

paris-riot

Photo Credit: Anthony DelanoixFeatured on Elephant Journal

I hear gunshots and screams. Droves of people wielding iron clubs run toward us.

I look at Akram, the Uber driver. He’s trying to unfasten his seatbelt to get out. I recognise fear in his eyes, instead of the comfort I crave.

I yell at Pete and Andre, “Let’s get the hell out the car. They’re headed our way.”

They’re out faster than I can finish my sentence. I get out too and glance up to see a mob, more than 50 strong, run past the Uber car and follow a group of African guys. My heart pounds, and my thoughts are everywhere.

I run like a headless chicken, but out of the corner of my eye I see most of the mob, consisting of dark-skinned males, descend on the African men in an alleyway to my left. My mind works furiously and deduces that this is a territorial battle in some refugee camp that Akram took us into using his GPS instead of common sense (something many Uber drivers do).

I try to remind myself: I’m in Paris, not Kabul.

I stop running to take stock of the situation. Ahead of me, Pete and Andre with younger legs have stopped and look safe. However, just in front of me is a young boy, maybe 16, holding an iron bar and looking directly at me—or my iPhone, which I foolishly held up while running.

Our eyes meet, and I’m transported back to when I was 16 and involved in a mass brawl at school in England. I need to remain composed. I need to show I’m not afraid. I decide I won’t attack, but I won’t run either. There’s a split second when he seems to consider attacking me, either for the phone or just for the hell of it.

I see terror in his eyes.

I need to get past him.

I’ve never been so afraid in my life. I think of William Golding’s Lord of the Flies, and the character Jack. I think of how rational human beings can turn into savages given the right environment.

Will I die for no reason—and worse, to no meaning?

I take a deep breath, straighten my back and walk briskly away from him. God, luck, or the universe is on my side; he doesn’t move.

Somehow I get to Pete and Andre, and we run toward a friendly young man who shepherds us to safety. We nod in gratitude and get out of the passageway to see our Uber parked there, Akram waving us into the car.

~

This incident came only two days after the terrorist attack in Nice.

We had somehow gotten trapped in a refugee camp situated in a shady part of Paris—between Stalingrad and Belville. I found out afterward that it was quite common for fights to break out; only two months before there had been a massive riot, and the French army had to come in. The refugee camp housed different ethnic minorities, from Afghans to Syrians and Senegalese to Ethiopians.

I arrived late to my apartment, my heart was still beating fast and my legs weak. I took a long hot shower and tried to digest what had happened. I couldn’t stop seeing the look of terror in the Afghan boy’s eyes—couldn’t get past the feeling that I’d been a moment away from becoming a footnote in the history of a refugee camp in Paris.

The feeling went away over the next few days, but something still wasn’t right.

It wasn’t until a few months later, after re-reading Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilyich, that I revisited the events at Belville. Then the real fear came out.

The fear I had unknowingly touched upon was the fear of death. For the first time in my life, I had contemplated my death.

I wasn’t afraid of death so much as I was scared of dying before living enough. I hadn’t yet achieved or experienced what I wanted to. And even though these events had happened almost six months prior, it was only recently that I allowed my conscious mind to face this fear.

What legacy have I left? Have I impacted my children and humanity in the way I wanted to? Have I grown as a person?

I don’t have any immediate answers.

However, since my acknowledgement of my fear, it’s like I’ve been given a new lease on life. I’ve started focusing on what matters most to me, prioritising my days, my experiences and my goals. I’m simplifying my life, too, trying not to rush things as before.

Everything I do falls into five buckets: my health, my business, my writing, my spiritual growth, and giving back to my community.

Nothing else matters.

We all read and hear about how we need to focus on the important things. But we don’t really get it until something outside of us viscerally affects our lives.

The key event may happen before we’re ready to face it.

Most of us will have many such occasions to face our fears and recognise what matters most, but it is only when we bring our consciousness to such an event that it becomes a springboard for change.

The 5 Ways Vulnerability Changed My Behaviour And Improved My Life

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’-

Alfred Lord Tennyson

Featured on Elephant Journal and The Brazen Woman

I was giving a seminar on the power of the mind. In the end, I was asked if I was able to change my behaviour with the knowledge I had just imparted upon my students. I paused and gave a weak reply. The truth was I hadn’t changed much. This happened almost six years ago.

However, all that changed when I watched Brené Brown’s TED Talk The Power Of Vulnerability and when I read her book The Gifts of Imperfections. I instinctively knew that this was the missing piece in the puzzle.

Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is the core, the heart, the centre, of meaningful human experiences.” She continues to say that “Vulnerability isn’t good or bad: it’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience.”

At age eleven, my innocence was shattered due to a Coup d’état in Ghana. I had to leave my comfortable, sheltered life, my friends, my school, and my environment. I found myself in a new country, England, with few people like me, and few who liked me.

I quickly learned that, to fit into my new environment meant not to share any dark emotions like fear, shame, grief or disappointment. I had to show that I was tough, cool and almost perfect.

Simply put, I could not be vulnerable and I had to close my heart to protect myself. In doing so, I not only closed myself to the dark emotions but also to the lighter ones and I carried this way of being subconsciously well into my forties.

Until we break down those hardened walls that have been built inside our hearts for so long then we are not capable of being vulnerable enough to be able to change.

These are the five ways that becoming vulnerable transformed my life:

1. Emotions add a charge to thoughts resulting in Action

A thought without emotion is like a bird without its wings. It’s not going to get very far.

As I began to understand the power of vulnerability, I started delving deep into my core using journaling as a tool to dig deeper and deeper into my heart. I learned to access the full range of my emotions so that I could process both pain and joy.

I faced my deepest fears revisiting my past, questioning my beliefs. I got so emotionally fired up that I would regularly cry during my early morning runs. I didn’t know then that I was slowly breaking the impenetrable walls that I had built since my school days teardrop by teardrop.

I recognized that the power of the mind and willpower were sometimes not enough to effect lasting change. The emotions are the “why” of an action; they charge a thought, magnifying its impact substantially. Guilt and disgust at knowing what I needed to and yet not doing so triggered me into action.

2. I am capable of Love

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”- Brené Brown

The more I faced my fears and shed the layers of emotions that were weighing heavily on my heart, the more I loved myself. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves, and so only in loving myself was I capable of receiving and giving love.

My relationships improved and I started trusting people much more. It was like a new world had opened up to me, one that was shut off for a long time. I understood that love is something that we nurture like everything else in life and it doesn’t just magically appear and disappear with a flick of the fingers.

3. I recognize Compassion

 “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognise our shared humanity.”– Pema Chodron

I started to understand what compassion meant and to put myself in the shoes of others for the first time in my life. I was always so self-involved that it was difficult for me to fathom people’s actions and accept them for who they are. But with vulnerability, I accepted myself more and I now see people in a different light as if they were my brothers and sisters.

Three years ago, I started a foundation, Born to be free, where we look after fifty impoverished kids. We take care of their schooling, train them in soccer and teach them basic life lessons. We are giving them options that poverty has taken away from them. Their stories are heartbreaking and relating to them keeps me grounded and keeps me human.

4. I am much more Connected

“The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”- Brené Brown

In his book Social Intelligence: Daniel Goleman explores how the latest findings in biology and neuroscience confirm that we are hardwired for connection and that our relationships shape our biology as well as our experiences.

How can we connect to each other when we have erected barriers inside our hearts?

I now share and give much more of myself and my thoughts, through my talks, writings and most of all my actions.

Also I now accept from others, something, which proved difficult at first, as I wanted to do everything alone, and to feel superior about it. I wanted to feel like I didn’t need anyone.

However, energy has to travel both ways before we can call it true connection.

5. I now understand Shame

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable—it’s the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy.”- Brené Brown

The feeling of shame is universal and if not identified can lurk within us and control our actions and non-actions. Shame makes us feel unworthy and convinces us that we are incapable of doing anything. It grows in silence, secrecy and judgement often leading us to deception, lies and other destructive behaviours.

There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is about who we are. E.g., I am bad. Guilt is about our behaviour. E.g., My behaviour is bad.

Though guilt is a dark emotion, it could be used as a catalyst to initiate change in our behaviour. Shame is much more dangerous as it says we can do little but accept how bad we are and it pushes us into withdrawing, hiding, or instead trying to appease someone when we shouldn’t or worst of all by attacking others to hide our shame.

My art teacher scolded and embarrassed me in front of my classmates when I was thirteen years old and as a result of that I shut the door to my creativity for almost thirty years, ashamed of ever bring up the subject or even daring to enter into the realm of creativity, while convincing myself I was more of a science person. However I’ve now found my creativity through writing and it’s exactly the goodness that has been missing from my life for so long.

Vulnerability is not weakness but rather a path to opening our hearts. When we start to trust our hearts, all fears dissipate and we start accepting that we are imperfect beings living in a not so perfect world.

To live with our hearts open, carrying our wounds and scars with us is very scary but the alternative of not doing so is much scarier.

Vulnerability is the only way to live a full, courageous and authentic life. This is what being human is all about.

5 Attributes We Need to Get to Become Emotionally Intelligent

Emotional-Intelligence
Photo Credit: Tim Marshall

Published by Elephant Journal

“Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way”
― Mavis Mazhura

I was sitting in a school board meeting. Things were getting heated; Voices were being raised and heads were shaking as egos battled it out and there was no agreement on the proposed motion. I was agitated and felt wronged as my opinion was being ignored. I was ready to scream at the next person who would speak out.

Suddenly, Tim, who was usually quiet, spoke up. His voice was soft, calm and yet assertive. We all kept quiet and listened as he continued to moderate our arguments and followed up by explaining each viewpoint. Within thirty minutes, we all came to a consensus.

Tim was “Emotionally Intelligent” and I was not.

This concept of emotional intelligence was championed by Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., a well-known writer and researcher on leadership who wrote the best-seller Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.

He went on to confirm why many people with a high IQ were outperformed by many with good social intelligence in the workplace, schools and homes. Emotional intelligence is something that is intangible and difficult to measure. It is a road map to achieving the results we want in our life and can lead us to live a fulfilling life.

What exactly is Emotional Intelligence? Psychology Today says it’s:

  1. The ability to accurately identify your own emotions, as well as those of others.
  2. The ability to utilise emotions and apply them to tasks, like thinking and problem-solving.
  3. The ability to manage emotions, including controlling your own, as well as the ability to cheer up or calm down another person.

However, for us to understand Emotional Intelligence then we need to embrace the five components below:

  1. Self-Awareness

People who are self-aware understand their emotions and as such don’t allow themselves to let their feelings get out of control. They reflect on themselves regularly, recognising what they are good at and what they aren’t.

They know when to maximise their strengths and how to manage their weaknesses so it doesn’t hold them back. They appreciate that there is nothing called perfection and admit their vulnerability, and take responsibility of their mistakes as much as their successes.

In Brené Brown’s  TED Talk, the Power of Vulnerability, she explains how  embracing our imperfections raises our self-awareness.

2.Self-Regulation

Self-regulation is where we manage and control our emotions, moods and reactions. These people take a few deep breaths to think before reacting and as such respond much better to challenging situations.

They don’t allow anger, jealousy or some other form of fear to affect their decisions and are conscious of their reactions knowing why they reacted in a certain manner. They are comfortable saying no, and lead well-balanced lives. They usually eat well, get plenty of sleep and have many interests outside their work or relationships.

In the above example at the school board meeting, Tim displayed his self-regulatory way of thinking by not only controlling his emotions but being able to direct all of us to an agreement.

3.Motivation

This is the ability to push ourselves towards our goals, harnessing our emotions to take action, commit and follow through with them.

Self-discipline and willpower are important attributes of their character as they are willing to forgo instant gratification for long-term results. They are highly productive, effective and positive about life and don’t allow people or situations to bring them down. They are very much results-oriented.

Tony Robbins is a world renowned motivational speaker and author. He has authored many self-help books, including Awaken the Giant Within. I’ve been to one of his events, Unleash the power from within, and I can confidently say he’s one who lives by what he preaches. His ability to push his fans to achieve goals is matched only by what he’s done in motivating himself.

4.Empathy

This is the ability of people to not only listen to others but also to discern and understand people’s feelings to such an extent, that they put themselves in the other’s shoes. They don’t stereotype and judge but rather are willing to accept all kinds of opinions and viewpoints. They are open, honest and have a great ability to manage relationships.

Mother Theresa, Gandhi, and Dalai Lama are great symbols for empathy, but there are many around us, who often surprise us with how genuine and empathetic they are. They make us feel safe, heard and that we do matter in this life.

5.Social Skills

These are the team players, who park their egos aside and focus on developing others instead. They are great communicators, manage disputes and are great at building and maintaining relationships. They adapt quickly to situations and aren’t afraid of change and are curious about life and what it has to offer.

My colleague Allison displays this kind of leadership; a smile is always on her face, making it easy for anyone to approach her. She continually asks of the well being of her staff and is the first to praise them for doing a good job yet she knows how and when to criticize them.

Emotional intelligence is something we can learn and cultivate in our lives. We are usually stronger with one aspect than the other but we can develop all five so that we become better leaders of our lives, whether at our workplace, our home or our environment.

It can also help guide us in any circumstances we find ourselves, whether we are bankers, business owners, mothers, friends, artists or people living simple lives traversing the joys and vicissitudes of life.

It’s not something that is easy to accomplish within a few months but rather it’s a journey over many years. It’s a roadmap of “How” to live our lives, rather than the “Why” or “What” of life.

Pain And Not Happiness Leads To Meaning & Growth In Life

Pain And Not Happiness Leads To Meaning & Growth In Life

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.”
― Ernest Hemingway

Happiness is a dangerous idea. It’s as elusive as perfection. It lulls us into believing that life is always fun, full of smiles and slowly guides us towards comfort.

It doesn’t lead to growth, meaning or inner peace.

It compels us to compare our lives and our moments with others using only what we see from the outside. And what we usually see is only the happy moments.

Do we see anyone share a picture on social media when they have failed? Do we see anyone advertise his or her sadness? Rather it’s the smiles and the parties. It’s the achievements without the hard efforts that are shown.

What we always see is one side of the coin and for us to say we want to be happy is naive and simplistic. And if we are not careful, and our only goal is to be happy, and then we may find ourselves empty and lost.

It’s rather more truthful to pursue a life that is full of meaning, growth and wholeness.

And it’s rather pain and discomfort that leads us to change, growth and ultimately to more meaning. It’s the pain that pushes us into getting out of our comfort zones so that we can venture out and try new experiences or ways that we daren’t do before.

I’m not saying that we should walk around depressed, sad and feeling sorry for ourselves. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be happy.

I’m saying we shouldn’t raise our hopes so high as to expect only happiness in life, and when the first setback hits us, we become paralyzed and unable to fight back.

We need to understand that pain, setbacks and sadness are inevitable in our lives, and we need to be realistic enough to accept them as part of our journey.

And pain is not just any part but an important one, as it becomes this great teacher that we learn from rather than simply something we need to endure.

Also, I’m saying that we need pain as much as we need happiness in our lives and if we can get a good balance of both then that will ultimately lead to a more satisfying life that is full of meaningful experiences.

We need happiness to celebrate our growth and our wins.

We need happiness to keep us optimistic and engaged in life.

However, instead of saying we want to be happy, let’s say we want to be whole and are committed to embracing every aspect of our being, and that will include both happiness and pain.

“Isn’t the beauty of life that it’s like a titillating movie,
that comes with scenes of painful tears and happy smiles.
And only when we dig deeper into the crevasses of our pain
we clear the mounds of anguish blocking the path to our joy.

As we come face to face with the darkness, we are forced
to be with it, to befriend it and to know everything about it.
It is only then that we can clearly see a tiny glow of light,
a ray of hope that leads to how bright our light can shine.

Lo and behold! Those who suppress and evade the pain,
as they turn their backs on the valuable lessons that come with it.
They missed their chance to feel it and let it go when it was small,
as it will come back stronger and much bigger in form.

Life is not all about the smiles and tears that arrive by chance,
But rather by living with a freedom that allows your soul to dance.”

 

Instead of having a goal for the pursuit of happiness, then rather let’s have one for the happiness of pursuit. Because it’s in the pursuit that you become whole.

It’s in the means that you get to an end. It’s the process that matters in life and not the actual goal.I’m saying I would rather live a life that makes me grow even if sadness is etched in my heart, rather than a life where I cease to grow, and I’m simply happy.

I’m saying I would rather live with an open heart marked with wounds than one that is closed and has no wounds at all.

I’m saying I want to be someone who is more than just happy in life.

“I’d rather die on my feet, than live on my knees.”
-Emiliano Zapata

3 Ways To Let Go of Perfection

3 Ways To Let Go of Perfection
Photo Credit: Luis Llerena

“Le mieux est l’ennemi du bien. (The perfect is the enemy of the good.)”-Voltaire

As Published by Elephant Journal

Almost forty minutes had passed, and I was still staring at a blank screen. And six months have sped by since I set that intention to write a book and still not a single page has come out. I’ve been trying to write my first book for a while now and every time I sit down to start, I get overwhelmed and think I’m not good enough.

I start comparing myself with all the other writers out there. It seems the day I decided to take up writing seriously; many people have done likewise and brought out their first books. The line that I’ve been selling myself is that if I’m to write a book then it needs to be perfect. It has to be the exact reflection of all the dreams I’ve had when I envisioned myself as a writer.

Do I think I’m Hemingway’s prodigal son or Steinbeck’s long lost disciple? No, the reality is that I’m using perfectionism as a way to hide behind my fears and insecurities. Since I was thirteen, I’ve had to fend for myself and put up shields to protect myself from failing. To fail was not only a sin but very often it lead to me feeling ashamed.

I saw vulnerability as weakness and perfection as strength, so I narrowed my scope and tried to be perfect in certain things while shutting many other doors to my growth and wholeness. I used Perfectionism to avoid criticism, rejection and failure, and it served me well at that time.

It helped me survive a new, different environment that was imposed on me when I left the warm comforts of the country I grew up in at an early age. However, I learnt only to float in my new surroundings and never allowed myself to soar. I became the ultimate big fish in the little pond.

“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.”-Brene Brown

After Studying Brene Brown’s ground-breaking work on Vulnerability, I came to understand many myths about Perfectionism:

  • Perfectionism is not self-improvement, but it rather stifles the greatness within you.
  • Vulnerability and not imperfection is the opposite of perfectionism.
  • Perfectionism is trying to earn approval and acceptance, whereas vulnerability is putting yourself out there.
  •  Perfectionism is self-destructive as there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal.
  • Perfectionism is addictive as when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough.

Over the years I’ve changed a lot, dared greatly and have become more vulnerable, connecting with many people and not afraid to put myself out there.

However, perfection(or procrastination) remains a weakness, and when I’m taking on something big, I return to my thirteen-year-old thinking.

I’ve found three ways to overcome it:

1.Taking Action

“Action is the Language of God.”-Unknown

Procrastination and overthinking very often gets us stuck, and we end up going in circles. Planning is good, but it won’t get you anywhere unless you take that first step. Action can kill perfectionism immediately as you can turn a bad draft into a good one, but you can’t turn no draft into a good one.

It’s important to make your first steps small so that you can get wins under your belt that will then propel you to complete the goal you wanted to achieve.

For example, I will set myself up for action by establishing a small goal, to write one hundred words on a topic that’s currently interesting me. Before I know it, I’m in action and hundred words turn into a thousand plus.

2.Self-Compassion

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”-CHRISTOPHER K. GERMER

Rather than ignore our pain or start criticizing ourselves, we need to be understanding with ourselves when we fail, suffer or feel unworthy. We must remind ourselves that this suffering is something that happens to everyone and not just “me” alone.

Most successful people feel inadequate when they fail and yet they see it for what it is, a passing phase and an opportunity to correct their mistakes. They very often cut themselves some slack rather than criticize themselves.

3.Surrender and Letting go of the fruits of our actions

Letting go is often easier said done but when we truly start practicing this principle, then we find ourselves enjoying the ride and not just the destination. We often allow numbers, results and opinions of others to dictate the goals we set and how we are going to achieve them.

I fell into this trap when training for a marathon and would wear a watch that measured my pace, speed and distance. I kept looking at the watch every few minutes while running and then analyzed the results when I was finished. I completely forgot why I started running–the feeling of freedom and connection to the outdoors.

Needless to say, all the planning and my attachment to results invited more stress and tension and soon afterwards I got injured and had to stop my training. Contrast this with when I took up running and ran a half marathon without any planning. I was just simply running and enjoying it, and only set a general intention of running four times a week.

Perfection is something we must avoid if we are to live an engaging life. It paralyzes us, and we find ourselves afraid to make any move. We get comfortable with our surroundings and use the excuse of “when it’s perfect I’ll put out my work” to suppress the greatness that we can offer the world.

This idea of perfection is a myth, and the simple truth is that we are meant to be whole and not perfect. This includes both the joy of successes and the pain of failures. And the only way we learn and grow is through both differing experiences.

All great people have one thing in common; they are consistent in their actions producing work after work. They produce their work despite the same insecurities that we have. They know that out of many attempts, one will turn out to be great.

They have tossed this idea of perfectionism into the garbage, where it rightly belongs.

How to Overcome Fears With Action

“That’s what life is about: about daring greatly, about being in the arena.” ~ Brené Brown

Strategy and planning are essential in creating the life you want.

However, there is no point in making any grand plans when fear inhibits you from acting. The simplicity of getting into action, and the experiences you gain once you decide to act, erodes those fears you have built up over the years.

You can also overcome fears by getting out of your comfort zone. This makes you more confident and your abilities more diverse. It further allows you to look at fears as mere stepping stones to your goals, rather than as stumbling blocks that constrain your progress in life.

Published by Rebelle Society

overcome-fear
Photo Credit: Al Quino

I’m the strategic type, and I can tell you from my experience that all my big wins have come when I have discarded the procrastinated planning stage and set out to act on my goals. By doing this, you create the strategy to match your actions with the constant realignment that the actual doing helps to clarify.

This way, you don’t have enough time to think about your fears because you are constantly in action.
I’m not saying we should be gung-ho and not even plan, but in this age of fast and furious, simplicity is key. There is nothing simpler than having an intention and acting towards it, rather than focusing on a detailed plan and getting confused about what to do next.

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” ~ Clare Boothe Luce

I recently attended a self-motivation event led by Tony Robbins called Unleash Your Power Within. If anyone epitomizes what I mean by getting into action, it’s Robbins. He treats the whole concept of fear as if it were a mere inconvenience we must carry with us as a weapon to face any goal.

It’s true that there is a lot of hype surrounding the event, with high-fiving and fist-pumping almost compulsory, and you are often left wondering if you have just arrived at a rave party in Ibiza.

However, you ultimately leave with an incredible feeling and a knowing that anything is possible.

Here is a guy who gets into action by not only preaching motivational practices but by actually using those practices to enrich the quality of his life. He has built a business empire by being entrepreneurial and investing smartly, and not just by selling books and ideas on how to do so.

He espouses how you can unleash your energy from within, and then he goes on stage and proves it, by performing for 10 hours non-stop.

I learned many things at this event, not the least how physiology can impact attitude. But the main lesson for me was how getting into action and getting out of your comfort zone impacts your life, and not in a linear way, but in an exponential way.

His anecdotes alone were worth the entrance fee, as he demonstrated to us that until we take a leap, and unless we get out of our comfort zone and face our fears directly, little can be achieved.

One particular story that remains with me is how he learned through NLP to cure phobias in six months, and how he had to wait for another 18 months before he could be certified to treat anyone.

He then proceeded to go live on radio and claim he could treat phobias for free, and set a time and a place to do so. He got a call from an angry psychiatrist who lambasted him about his outlandish promises and challenged him to cure his most difficult patient.

He then proceeded to cure the psychiatrist’s patient in five minutes, in front of 500 people.

I agree that we are not all blessed with the self-confidence, hunger and willpower of Tony Robbins, but here was a man who believed in himself, set big audacious goals and simply acted on them. The more he tested himself and got out of his comfort zone, the more his fears subsided.

Just after my Tony Robbins event, I had a great opportunity to test this out for myself. Through an inexplicable chain of events, I found myself as one of the main speakers on TEDx Talks in Accra, with only three weeks to prepare.

Finally, I was going to fulfil one of my dreams, and yet I was filled with such trepidation that I wanted to withdraw many times during those three weeks. However, I made a decision that I was going to step up (using Tony Robbins’ mantra) and I told myself that I was going to do this.

Here was an opportunity sent to me from the heavens, allowing me to step out of my comfort zone and be big enough to conquer my fears.

I speak regularly in front of people, but this was TEDx and the talk was very personal, as I would bare my soul in front of everyone. I was speaking on how I had finally found my aliveness and begun leading a more authentic life.

I was telling my whole community what was behind all the tears and laughs for the past eight years. The stakes were never higher for me.

As the day grew nearer, my sleep was getting more erratic. I would remind myself every morning that I had made a decision and I was committed to it, and I was going to give my best.

I practiced my talk as if my life depended on it. I repeated the talk five to six times. I made my family listen to me practice, and then I went to work and forced my employees to hear me out as well. The more I practiced, the less fear I held.

On the big day, many things went disastrously wrong.

My talk was delayed for two hours, and as I walked up on stage, everything went into a blur and I was getting stage fright. I remembered to breathe well and told myself to relax, and I started to get into my rhythm.

Suddenly the screen showing my presentation slides went blank, then the timer screen to my right, which acts like a guide so I could pace my talk, also went blank.

I faltered for a few seconds, then took another deep breath and told myself I was going to do this and that the worst had passed. All my preparations kicked in, and I continued without needing the slides or the timer. At the end, I got great reception and big round of applause.

The icing on the cake was when Patrick Awuah, the founder of Ashesi University in Ghana, and also named in Fortune’s Top 50 leaders in the world for 2015, approached me to say he was inspired by my talk and wanted to help the kids I have in my foundation so they could get a scholarship into Ashesi University.

I wanted to cry there and then, when I saw my daughter just coming towards me, and I gave her one of those million-dollar hugs. I thought to myself, I did it.

If you are true to your dreams, if you want it badly enough, and if you are willing to step out into that arena, then the Universe is listening and will give you more than you ever wished for.

The following few days I was filled with a sense of relief I had never experienced. The weeks that followed have seen my belief, confidence and energy levels rise to a level I never knew I had. I had overcome some big and inhibiting fears by simply getting into action.

I also found that this whole experience made me grow so much, and that it really was an exponential growth rather than a linear one.

One step into darkness is equal to a thousand steps into the light.

I cry because I love life & I want to live forever.

I cry because I love life & I want to live forever.
Photo Credit: Milada Vigerova

Published by Rebelle Society

“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.” ~ Pittacus Lore, I Am Number Four

Pain hit me hard in my stomach and I was suddenly getting wave after wave of feverish attacks, yet I knew these were not the usual fever symptoms.

It was a Saturday morning. I had just finished my 10k run, and was feeling on top of the world. I sat outside in the open air facing the pool; the trees were swaying, the birds were singing and I was just about to start my writing.

The pain got worse and it was like nothing I had felt before. Nausea, stomach upset, pounding heart, cold sweat, trembling body and feeling dizzy. Those were the physical symptoms, and hard as they were, I could handle them.

The mental symptoms were the ones that shattered me. I got a severe miserable feeling, which made me feel helpless, lifeless and surrounded me with nothingness.

This all-sinking feeling is very hard to describe but its like you are in a deep, dark abyss of a well. You can’t get out and you see no possibility of doing so whatsoever.

I just lay on the floor, curled up and felt worthless. The birds that were singing had left; the trees that were swaying now became stationary, life-less objects.

Even the sun, my reliable savior in so many bad days, had decided to hide behind all kinds of nimbus clouds.

This feeling lasted for eons and eons and not the real time of five minutes that it took. I just didn’t know what happened, and felt confused and paralyzed to do anything.

All I could think of was to jump off a cliff or a tall skyscraper building, but luckily the closest places were hundreds of miles away.

Then, whenever I summoned my mind to think, I would get an irritable feeling as if a fly were inside my mind buzzing away in every corner, and there were no windows that I could open to let it out.

My anxiety and thoughts were growing exponentially, and my initial fears of blacking out were now growing to a single thought that I was going to die right now.

The fear compounded with pain, and confusion was taking me to my darkest parts. I was now picturing how my teenage kids would survive without me.

I was angry at the Universe as I still had many things to do, many things to be.

I was also getting angry about why was I going to die now after all the good work I have done for myself, after all the ladders that I have climbed, after the sweet spot I found for myself following so many years of torment.

After all, I was Mr. Positive Psychology, I was espousing how to awaken your aliveness and how to follow your bliss, yet I was on the floor crying and feeling the lowest of lows that I could not wish on anyone.

I was the one who would regularly quote Victor Frankl: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

But here I was, helpless, and I couldn’t lift my head, let alone change my attitude. I felt sorry for myself and wanted a break. What is the Universe throwing at me today? What is the lesson?

I’m tired of playing this game of Snakes & Ladders.

I go up, up and up, and then that snake bites and I fall back down again.

I know, I know, I swear I know that…

… in life I need to go down and then I can go up, that I need to learn my lessons so as to grow.

Today I thought…

… let me climb for a bit longer.

Give me your longest ladder and I’m willing to climb it all.

Show me the snakes so I can cut them down like Genghis Khan.

I know, I know, I swear I know that…

… it’s not fun when you know, or how you cannot appreciate the ladders without the snakes, or that the lessons are in the snakes.

Today I said…
… let me be the judge of all that.
I said…
… I want a ladder only and no more fucking snakes, at least for today.

I just stayed on the floor and cried and prayed hard. I clung to a mantra that I often use: This too shall pass.

It’s not very sophisticated, but it usually works, and slowly a bit of hope started penetrating my mind.

Then, another gift from the Universe, as my teenage daughter rushed towards me and hugged me, out of the blue, not knowing anything about what I had been through.

I hugged her back, and suddenly hope broke through the mind-vaulted gates of my heart like a tidal wave crushing aside all doubts, fears and negative thoughts that had engulfed me before.

My shoulders, so hard and tense, started to soften as I slowly relaxed and felt the gaps in between my anxious and fearful thinking widen.

I got more intentional with my thoughts, put on some meditative music and started breathing in and breathing out. I followed that by chanting my mantra of This too shall pass for some minutes.

I got a hold of myself — my true self. My monkey mind ceased feeding me fear, anxiety and misery.

Finally, my soul spoke to me, now that my mind was still and my heart was open, and whispered: Relax, and This Too Shall Pass.

I locked my bedroom; I curled up in bed, cried for a few minutes and knew that everything would be okay.

I cried not because I was in pain or despair.

I cried because my faith in the Universe was restored.

I cried because I wasn’t afraid anymore.

I cried because I love life and I want to live forever.

The tears, the prayers and the mantra somehow got rid of the fly in my mind, and I thought clearly for the first time during this dark spell.

I was diagnosed with mild hypoglycemia a few years back, but I had regulated my diet and I thought I had reversed it. It suddenly hit me that I was having a severe hypoglycemia attack.

This is when there is not enough sugar in your bloodstream. The first area to be affected is the brain as it doesn’t store any glucose and is totally dependent on the amount of sugar in the bloodstream.

The brain, starved of energy, then starts reacting badly causing those severe symptoms.

As I read more about the symptoms, my confusion eased, and at least now I knew what was happening to me and I immediately felt better.

Sometimes, all we need is a hug of hope, a key to our heart to turn what seemed like certain despair into a moment of soulful relief.

Unfortunately, there is always a small detour of pain that we need to take, but always remember that This Too Shall Pass.

(Published earlier in my blog as “Hug of Hope” but Re-edited)

Hug Of Hope

“When you have lost hope, you have lost everything. And when you think all is lost, when all is dire and bleak, there is always hope.”-Pittacus Lore.

 

Hug of Hope
Photo credit: Hans-Jorg Aleff

Pain hit me hard in my stomach and I was suddenly getting wave after wave of feverish attacks, yet I knew these were not the usual fever symptoms.

It was a Saturday morning and I had just finished my 10k run and was feeling on top of the world. I sat outside in the open air, facing the pool; the trees were swaying, the birds were singing and I was just about to start my writing.

The pain got worse and it was like nothing I had felt before. Nausea, stomach upset, pounding heart, cold sweat, trembling body and feeling dizzy. Those were the physical symptoms and hard as they were, I could handle them.

The mental symptoms were the ones that shattered me. I got a severe miserable feeling, which made me feel helpless, lifeless and surrounded me with nothingness. This all-sinking feeling is very hard to describe but its like you are in a deep, dark abyss of a well. You can’t get out and you see no possibility of doing so whatsoever.

I just lay on the floor, curled up and felt worthless. The birds that were singing had left; the trees that were swaying now became stationary, life-less objects. Even the sun, my reliable savior in so many bad days had decided to hide behind all kinds of nimbus clouds.

This feeling lasted for eons and eons and not the real time of five minutes that it took. I just didn’t know what happened and felt confused and paralyzed to do anything. All I could think of was to jump off a cliff or a tall skyscraper building but luckily the closest places were like hundreds of miles away.

Then whenever I summoned my mind to think, I would get an irritable feeling as if a fly is inside my mind buzzing away in every corner and there were no windows that I could open, to let it out.

My anxiety and thoughts were growing exponentially and my initial fears of blacking out were now growing to a single thought that I was going to die right now. The fear compounded with pain and confusion was taking me to my darkest parts and I was now picturing how my teenage kids would survive without me.

I was angry at the universe as I still had many things to do, many things to be. I was also getting angry that why was I going to die now after all the good work I have done to myself, after all the ladders that I have climbed, after the sweet spot I find myself after so many years of torment. After all, I was Mr. positive Psychology, I was espousing how to awaken your aliveness and how to follow your bliss yet I was on the floor crying and feeling the lowest of lows that I could not wish on anyone.

I was the one who would regularly quote Victor Frankl: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

But here I was helpless and I couldn’t lift my head, let alone change my attitude. I felt sorry for myself and wanted a break. What is the universe throwing at me today? What is the lesson?

 

I’m tired playing this game called Snakes & Ladders.

I go up, up and up and then that snake bites and I fall back down again.

I know, I know, I swear I know that;

In life I need to go down and then I can go up,

that I need to learn my lessons so as to grow.

Today I’m thinking;

Let me climb for a bit longer,

Give me your longest ladder and I’m willing to climb it all,

Show me the snakes so I can cut them down like Genghis Khan.

I know, I know, I swear I know that;

It’s not fun when you know,

or how can you appreciate the ladders without the snakes,

or the lessons are in the snakes.

Today, I’m saying;

Let me be the judge of all that.

I’m saying,

I want a ladder only and no more fucking snakes,

at least for today.

I just stayed on the floor and prayed hard. I clung to a mantra that I often use which is “This too, shall pass”. It’s not very sophisticated but it usually works and slowly a bit of hope started penetrating my mind.

Then another gift from the universe as my teenage daughter rushes towards me and hugs me, out of the blue, not knowing anything about what I had been through. I hug her back and suddenly hope broke through the mind-vaulted gates of my heart like a tidal wave crushing aside all doubts, fears and negative thoughts that had engulfed me before.

My shoulders so hard and tense started to soften as I slowly relaxed and began to feel the gaps in between my anxious and fearful thinking widen. I got more intentional with my thoughts and put on some meditative music and started breathing in and breathing out. I followed that by chanting my mantra of “this too, shall pass” for some minutes.

I got hold of myself–my true self. My monkey mind ceased feeding me fear, anxiety and misery. Finally, my inner voice spoke to me, now that my mind was still and my heart was open and it whispered: “Relax and This Too, Shall Pass.”

I locked my bedroom; I curled up in bed, cried for a few minutes and knew that everything would be okay.

I cried not because I was in pain or despair.

I cried because my faith in the universe was restored.

I cried because I wasn’t afraid anymore.

I cried because I love life and I want to live forever.

The tears, the prayers and the mantra somehow got rid of the fly in my mind and I thought clearly for the first time during this dark spell. I was diagnosed with mild hypoglycemia a few years back but I had regulated my diet and I thought I had reversed it.

However, I just had a severe hypoglycemia attack and this occurs when there is not enough sugar in your bloodstream. The first area to be affected is the brain as it doesn’t store any glucose and is totally dependent on the amount of sugar in the bloodstream. The brain starved of energy then starts reacting badly causing those severe symptoms.

As I read more about the symptoms, my confusion eased and at least now I knew what was happening to me and I immediately felt better.

Sometimes all we need is a little hope, that is reinforced by a Hug of Hope that grows to become the key to our heart and turns what seemed like certain despair into a moment of soulful belief. Unfortunately there is always a small detour of pain that we need to take, but always remember that, This Too, Shall Pass.

Open the Floodgates: Living with the Intensity of Feelings.

Photo Credit: Ty Williams/Unsplash

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.~ Maya Angelou

As published in Elephant Journal

At the core of our civilization is the expression of human emotion.

I read Shakespeare’s sonnets often, watch “Chick Flicks” without telling anyone and listen to catchy love songs that I can’t get out of my head no matter how hard I try. Sometimes, I regard my feelings with distrust, disdain and fear especially given my macho upbringing and surroundings. However, all my memories, points of interest and most importantly lessons in life seem to be intertwined with moments of intense feelings.

One time I had a wonderful run under the rain and immediately feelings of freedom, lightness and that “close-to-nature-bliss” enveloped me. Earlier that morning, I gazed out my window and noticed the way the rain danced onto the grass. I could see all this as if it was in slow motion, the drops growing in size and dropping gently, almost asking for permission to land.

I put on my running gear, and hurried outside so as not to miss this awesomeness. I stood under the covered arch in front of my house and felt the chill of the wind moving across my face and neck. Even now, when I think about that day, I can feel the chill on my face and the excitement that only “15 degrees centigrade” kind of weather can give me. I adjusted my earphones and cap and I was off, smiling away the first few kilometres. I felt the rain drizzling against my body, and I tried to sidestep the puddles that had formed on the ground. I run as if it was the last day of my life. Finally, the pain of it caught up with me and wiped my smile away. Still, it was a moment of intense joy and contentment.

The streets were completely empty then. I was immersed in a sense of liberation and freedom. It was as if I was the only one on this planet—reminiscent of a scene from the movie “Mad Max.” I felt that inner peace and power that you feel only when your soul has made contact with you. That feeling of running under the rain was so transfixing to me that now I wait eagerly for the clouds to roll in, thrilled for the opportunity to experience it again.

I sit down in the theatre with five hundred other parents, feeling totally alone in the dark and the quiet, with the formality of the setting slowly sinking in. It’s May, my son’s graduation day—a day of laughter and excitement for the kids, and an intense mix of feelings for the rest of us. I watch him walk down the aisle with 50 other students and start to tear up without warning. I look around—a few people are watching me—so I hold myself together and watch speech after speech. I feel like I’m in a daze. One of the teachers gives a great, heartfelt speech. “Where did this guy come from?” I wonder.

Next, my son wins an award for achievement, and I’m convinced this is definitely a conspiracy to make me cry. Soon after, the ceremony ends and the graduates throw their graduation caps into the air. We all applaud. People are crying all around me. We take pictures, and say our hellos and goodbyes, then drive off to the hotel where we are holding a shared reception with some of my son’s friends. The first thing I do is down a double vodka to calm me down—as if that ever works. The evening goes well, and then the speeches begin.

I can’t remember the exact words my son uses, but I will never forget the feelings I felt as I watched him in front of the crowd, so grown-up and confident. As I hug him in front of all those people, my knees go weak, and suddenly the earth moves beneath me, as if time stopped and still. That hug brought back memories mixed with the many emotions built up throughout the evening (perhaps,enhanced by a few more double vodkas).

All in all, my heart was deeply touched with a feeling that I will never be able to explain. That hug was not just a hug. It encompassed years and years of fears, love, doubts, insecurities, heartache, hope, joy, respect, and admiration. That hug was speaking a universal language understood by all. It was speaking directly to all the hearts in the room—it was a silent conversation.

“I’m leaving you,” my son was saying to me.

“I’m losing my best friend,” I replied.

“But you need to let me go. I need to start my own life, my own adventure.”

“I know. I understand.”

Kahlil Gibran writes:

“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

As we slowly let each other go, I noticed tears in his eyes. Then the floodgates opened, and I cried like I’ve never cried before.

Once, I had a conversation with a woman on a flight to London. I can’t remember her face exactly, or her name, but I do remember her glittering turquoise blue eyes and her white soft skin. She was considerably older than me and I was drawn to her composure and the way the words came out of her mouth in short, powerful and meaningful phrases. She said something to the effect that life is an adventure, one that is unique and particular to every single one of us. She made me feel special and intelligent. Most of all, she made me feel powerful and like anything was possible, even at my ripe old age of forty five. I felt as if I was an anointed king going to reclaim his country. I felt that I still have many chapters to fill in the story of my life.

Our lives are defined by the moments we experience and the intensity of our feelings. How did we feel at that moment? Where were we when we felt that way? Why did we feel like that? Who made us feel them? We feel good when we are happy, joyful, excited, alive, compassionate, peaceful and full of love.

We feel bad when we are sad, hurt, tired, irritated, confused, afraid, angry and hateful. The inner labels that we give to people, places and events don’t actually refer to those things, but rather, how we feel about them. If Rome was the place I had my heart broken, then it will be etched in my heart that way, and most likely the only feeling I will get when I hear or see anything about Rome are the echoes of my pain, sadness and fear.

When I run, I feel joy, freedom and inner peace. Running becomes a symbol for those feelings. I associate running with that particular day I was running under the rain and feeling the bliss of nature. The feelings that arose from “that hug” contained both love and fear, and the mix was so powerful that I only remember how I felt whenever the image of that moment comes to mind. Not what anyone wore, not the speeches, or any of the details we had obsessed about preparing the reception for months in advance.

We live life for our feelings.

Our bodies are the vessels that carry and experience those feelings.

Our minds try to understand and decipher the feelings.

Our Spirits speak to us only through our feelings.