How Showing and Not Telling Can Transform Your Life
Published on Rebelle Society
“Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.”
“Show me that you fucking love me, show me that you fucking care, but please stop telling it to me like a goddamn robot,” she screamed at me.
I watched, mystified, as my girlfriend slammed the door and walked out on me. I replayed her comments over and over again — that I lacked connection in relationships, and real engagement in most of the situations in my life.
I knew that I wanted to understand her, to grow from the experience. But it remained a mystery.
A few months later, I enrolled in a writing course and learnt the concept of Show, Don’t Tell. I took it on board and started applying it to my writing.
Hot became dripping with sweat. Tired meant that he was rooted to the chair — his legs couldn’t move from yesterday’s shift on-site.
My characters woke up and were suddenly alive, and they were no longer merely happy or sad, but rather jumping up and down or crying for no good reason. Writing this way allowed me to connect with my readers in a whole new way.
However, when not writing I remained aloof, oblivious to the fact that this concept could and also should be applied in my real life. I took the lesson as technical advice, only applicable to writing. As if it only described nouns, verbs and adjectives, and nothing else.
But slowly, it started to dawn on me that maybe I could show more and tell less — in real time.
I realized that people respond better when we infuse our words with a more passionate showing. The more feelings we add to what we are saying, the better the connection. The more engagement we add to our interactions, the better we live.
Simply put: showing involves your heart, and telling is all about the mind.
In losing her, I learned that this age-old writing adage could transform my life in three big ways:
Being Mindful
The Show, Don’t Tell rule is at its core about writing in details, details and details.
To be able to write with specific details, you must notice the trees, the birds, the people and the surroundings around you. Now, compare the central lesson in mindfulness, which is to slow down as if in slow motion so that you can enjoy all those moments you live in.
On an existential level, we are here to experience, and there is no better way to do that than to get involved and get engaged in the details of your life.
We were given five senses to experience life, and enjoy everything in our lives, and yet we barely have time to enjoy any of those precious moments.
How many of us eat standing up or watching a computer screen? We supposedly have no time to eat — everyone says that, I know. But recently I started eating slowly, mindfully.
Food began to take a more important role in my life, and the more time I gave to my food, the better I knew how to eat, what to eat, and most importantly, what not to eat.
Even drinking my espresso coffee in the morning became a sacred ritual, as I would make it, let it sit for a while, and then inhale the strong, rich aroma before taking the first sip.
It’s not just food, though. Now, when I see seagulls flying above me, I instantly stop whatever I’m doing and just watch them, transfixed in absolute awe. I can’t explain what happens for me at that moment, but time stops still as I gaze long and hard.
I feel as if I’m connecting to something bigger than me. I feel overcome by inner peace and a joy that permeates in my body and finally breaks into a soft smile. Is this what stillness is all about?
All my noticing and engagement in details have miraculously quieted my mind, and I find the negative thoughts to be slowly disappearing. I feel more at peace with myself than ever before.
Being Alive
Being more mindful magically leads you to engaging much more with your life. You are now in action and something inside of you starts ticking — you become alive.
You feel that you want to do more, and that you can’t stop and go back to your old ways of skating through life. You feel that you have a sacred duty to be alive. You break through your inhibiting shackles and become more vulnerable.
You understand that there is no perfect moment — there is only the now. You suddenly don’t want to miss a waking moment anymore.
You don’t want to just inform the world about your exploits, but you would rather show the world what you have done. You want to share yourself with your fellow mankind.
This feeling of being alive transforms you, and whether you know it or not, you have started transforming the world.
As Howard Thurman said, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
Being Connected
You are now in action and much more alive, and you learn that certain emotions in life — like love, fear, excitement and despair — can’t be simply described. They must be demonstrated. They will only become real when we show them to others.
This is the basis of connection, how human beings are able to live and inter-connect and be inter-dependent with one another. However the connection must be real, authentic. We are not showing for the sake of showing.
We are not demonstrating emotions to others for our own personal gain, or play-acting as if our Broadway career depended on it.
I’m introverted by nature, and not at ease in showing my emotions. However I understand, through writing, that showing my emotions helped me connect to my readers, and it is now easier for me to connect to people around me.
I feel that I am awakened. I have become more alive. I am connecting to everyone and everything.
To the new love who I will someday meet, I won’t say, “I love you.” Instead, I’ll say: “I just can’t stop loving you when I see you laugh. I love you when I catch you watching me for no good reason. I love the way you allow me to become a better man for you.”
Learning to show and not tell, in my writing and in my life, has opened up doors I never knew existed — and I love life so much more for it.