How Tolstoy’s Ivan Ilyich Kick-Started My Zeal For Living A More Content Life
“Can it be that I have not lived as one ought?” Suddenly came into his head. “But how not so, when I’ve done everything as it should be done?”
I was completely disillusioned with my life. I was not happy. I reached a place where even my thriving company, wonderful family and home and great friends were not enough for me.
I thought of running away to Tibet to live as a monk. I wanted to sell my company and change countries. I even reflected on Albert Camus’s twentieth-century best-known existentialist question: “There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide.”
The universe then threw me a curveball—a period of misfortune which forced me to keep my feet on the ground. I had to focus on rescuing my company after a bad bank deal. Also to deal with a family catastrophe—a near-fatal accident to my nephew.
The ambivalent symptoms lingered. They attacked me when I was down. Left me when I had too much going on. However, I could feel them in the background. Nonetheless, during this time, a flame of curiosity was lit in my heart.
I wanted to understand what it meant to live the ‘good life.’ I wanted to understand why I came into being. I wanted to laugh as I did when I was seven.
I did not understand then that it would be a long endless journey. One that is fraught with both successes and failures. Both pain and joy. And phases where one is real but at other times a hypocrite.
This stupendous, exhilarating and engaging self-discovery journey all started with me reading Leo Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Ilyich.
Ivan Ilyich Story
In Leo Tolstoy’s short novel, The Death of Ivan Ilyich, Ivan, a middle-aged lawyer who lived a life of mediocrity, devoid of many emotions, busy trying to earn the esteem of the people in his circle, was struck by a sudden illness. He laid down dying and reflected on his mortality. Like those around him, he had always considered death as something that happened to others.
Now for the first time, he was becoming conscious. Had he lived his life wrongly or as others expected him to? Had he lived for the so-called benefits that society brings—honours, wealth and a modicum of pleasure? Why had he failed to realise that this was his life, one that he must self-author?
As his death beckoned, he became more content, realising that his previous barely perceptible attempt to rebel against his artificial and superficial life (and that of his wife and those around him) was, in fact, the true way of living—to live with more meaning.
He then smiled and died.
Ivan’s final thoughts had a tremendous effect on me, and I asked myself that simple question: “What if I was living my life all wrong?” — not what people thought of my life; not what I thought was right under my conditioned beliefs; instead, what my heart thought was true.
Tolstoy’s words have never left me since that day and I started to live the so-called examined life.
However, you need to be at a ‘minimum level of competence or self-awareness’ to ask about the purpose of life and understand the possible answers.
This level is determined by upbringing (which we will leave for another day) and the maturity of how you see yourself and the world around you. Otherwise, just like me on the onset of my dissatisfaction, you will only feel the symptoms but will not understand why you feel them. The fact is that you can’t run before you walk. You can’t walk before you crawl.
Often, the quickest way to get to know yourself is when you face a traumatic situation, like when Ivan was dying. Or when your back is against the wall, or when you are thrown into the deep end at a new job.
Your ego is cast aside as you need to learn quickly about yourself and handle the emergency at hand.
Like Ivan Ilyich, you need to see clearly that the choices you’ve made are making you happy (Hopefully, not when you are on your deathbed). In other words, you can only ask questions when the fog in your life has started to clear. You can’t answer these questions if you have the pressure of despair and a time crunch.
Clearing the Fog (Know Thyself)
A journey of self-discovery is also one of self-enquiry. So, the more information you gather on yourself, the clearer you become.
When you’re looking for a partner, you ask everything about them: from their likes to their dislikes. you want to know every little detail; what excites them, what puts a smile on their face, what makes them tick. you become curious about the books they read and the movies they watch; you crave to become acquainted with everything that makes them who they are.
However, when it comes to yourself, you presume that you know it all, without dedicating enough time and effort to researching yourself. You allow the world to judge you, give you titles and names that don’t apply to your true self. You end up being tagged and put into a compartment that isolates you for many years and stops you from finding what your true aspirations are.
What were you like when you were growing up?
What interests or practices do you completely lose yourself in?
What are your core values?
What are your strengths and weaknesses? And most importantly what are your aspirations—How do you imagine your life to be?
Who do you look up to? Who are your mentors? Who inspires you?
You can’t always wait for the universe to act. You need to be proactive and stir the pot to start discovering who you truly are by simply asking meaningful questions.
“Know Thyself” was inscribed in the temple of Apollo at Delphi almost three thousand years ago. The wisdom of those two words still speaks loudly today.
I’ve found that when we take some time off, preferably for a few days to sit alone and analyse ourselves as we would on any other subject, we get to know a lot about ourselves and kick-start an adventure of self-discovery that lasts a lifetime.
After Reflection
Now that you know that you need to dig deeper to veer your life towards what you truly want. Know that it is going to be a long arduous journey—your own hero’s journey. Now you will know that you can never be happy unless you remain on that path.
Perhaps, now you can understand that human life involves more than just biological processes; it also comprises the patterns of thinking, feeling and acting that you cultivate. If you inherit all those patterns from other sources, then you fail to be the author of your life in this sense; you fail to be the one that gives it the direction or shape that it ultimately takes; you fail in using your potential for self-determination.
Below are the 10 guiding principles that I use to help me focus on bringing my true self, in living a life that is fulfilling. A life that is full of both passion and meaning.
‘Know Thyself’ on a deeper level.
Create the right environment for your personal growth.
Cultivate lasting habits, rituals and systems.
Practice being emotionally intelligent.
Recognise the power of vulnerability, failure and getting out of your comfort zone.
Simplify life including a digital/information detox.
Understand that creativity and entering a flow stage is getting in touch with our ‘God’
Be curious (learn, experience and grow)
Create meaningful relationships.
Contribute to Society—a sense of mission.
Over the upcoming weeks, months and year, my essays will focus on these 10 ideas, hoping to keep myself on track towards my goal.
Hope you can stay with me on this illuminating journey.