Segueing from articles to ‘thoughts’

My week started on a high as my football team, Man Utd, won a difficult game away to Chelsea. I don’t know what football does to me, but somehow it transports me to my 11-year old self. Winning means that adrenaline starts pumping through my veins, my heart beats faster and that immediately I’m in a great mood. However, when we lose, I’m best avoided for a few hours.

I’ve written a lot about Stoic Principles, especially Marcus Aurelius’ famous quote “You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength.” Nevertheless, when football is involved, I become that petulant child who has no control whatsoever. On Monday evening I was ecstatic, and the good vibes stayed with me until Wednesday when the stress of work, my returning hypoglycemia symptoms and lack of writing took their toll on me, and I found myself in a desperate funk.

I left work early that day, switched off my phone and attempted to write.

I stared at the blank screen of my computer and then fell into the trap of whiling away a few hours on the web. I’ve been stuck on what to write lately. Do I continue blogging? Try a new format that shares some of my weekly experiences (as I’m doing here) and or start working on a book project? And the underlying question I was facing, whether consciously or not, was what is the form of expression that suited me best. I didn’t want to publish with any magazines, newspapers or websites. I didn’t want to use the parachute of the fantastic editor I’d been using. I just wanted to write whatever came from my heart and that which could be edited with my head. Yes, my writing has to be structured and professional enough for the reader to understand my ideas, but it need not win any literary awards. Not yet, anyway!

While reading Nassim Taleb’s first meaningful book Fooled by Randomness, I was encouraged by a paragraph in the introduction;

One final comment on the style. I elected to keep the style of this book as idiosyncratic as it was in the first edition. Homo sum, good and bad. I am fallible and see no reason to hide my minor flaws if they are part of my personality no more than I feel the need to wear a wig when I have my picture taken or borrow someone else’s nose when I show my face. Almost all the book editors who read the draft recommended…I ignored almost all of them and found out that none of the readers thought them necessary—as a matter of fact, I find that injecting the personality of the author (imperfections included) enlivens the text.

I didn’t resonate with Taleb’s style of writing and found him rather obnoxious and self-centred, but I was definitely inspired by how he didn’t care about anyone and was unapologetic about his style.

Later in the week, I watched the movie A Star is Born which stars Bradley Cooper as a famous singer suffering from alcoholism who meets the young talented singer played by Lady Gaga. They fall in love, and he mentors her to become famous.

In one memorable scene, which I had to rewind several times to jot down what he said, he gives the ultimate words of wisdom on voice and talent. He said:

Look, talent comes everywhere, but having something to say and a way to say it so that people listen to it, that’s a whole other bag. And unless you get out and you try to do it, you’ll never know. That’s just the truth. And there’s one reason we’re supposed to be here is to say something so people want to hear. So you got to grab it, and you don’t apologize, and you don’t worry about why they’re listening, or how long they’re going to be listening for, you just tell them what you want to say.

Taleb’s words coupled with the particular scene from the A Star is Born left an indelible mark on me. The message was loud and clear. I need to be strong enough not to follow the herd. I need to be individualistic to allow my own voice to come out. Most of all, I need to ignore how people will judge my writing. I need not apologise for my actions. I must dare to be different, but not just for the sake of being different but rather allow my authentic voice to come out.

There are many better bloggers out there, who write on similar topics. Let’s take my last article on Acceptance. It’s professional and well summarised. But I’m sure when you Google ‘Acceptance” you will find many similar articles. Some will be better and more illuminating and some worse. I feel that my voice is lost between the vast sea of materials found online. Perhaps, what I want to be and what people want to read is someone who doesn’t follow conventional wisdom, quotes Wikipedia or cites the expert research but rather their own perspective on the subject. People want to understand the concept by someone wearing a different set of glasses than theirs.

Armed with this understanding and with my Bowers & Wilkins noise-cancelling headphones, I started to write in a free-flowing, letter-like format and found myself in a state of bliss. I sensed my heart open and smile, as it’s been a while since I felt this lightness when writing.

I also explored several book ideas I had and settled on one of them, as I could use the same letter-like format on it. I felt this style of writing I’m embarking on is getting me closer to my writing voice.

The gloom I’d felt on Wednesday started to lift immediately. It’s like I always need clarity to give me peace and one big goal hovering around in my mind that can provide me with purpose. It’s peace and purpose that I have craved all my life. Peace and Purpose.

As soon as I’d finished writing this letter, the rains came down with great ferocity. It was a short thunderstorm. It felt like the rains came to wash away my fears, my insecurities and my old voice.

Suddenly, I felt renewed and reborn if only for a few more days until the next wave of doubts resurfaces again.