How to have Magical and Powerful Conversations
Featured on Elephant Journal
“Words are events, they do things, change things. They transform both speaker and hearer; they feed energy back and forth and amplify it. They feed understanding or emotion back and forth and amplify it.”
I walked into my favourite restaurant and was pleasantly surprised to see that our table was reserved for only four, rather than the eight that were supposed to meet up. The other four had cancelled for different reasons and the three that remained happened to be the ones I was most comfortable with.
Three hours and two bottles of Bordeaux later, we were still talking.
The conversation had flowed, and we touched on many varied topics that moved us in many different ways.
At around 1 a.m. the restaurant kindly made it known to us that we had to leave. We hugged and said our goodbyes and I left with a glow on my face and an inner stirring of my heart. Guessing from the look of the others, they had the same feeling too.
That is the effect of a Powerful Conversation.
We have a primal need to belong, an inner human need to be part of something larger than us. We do that best when we connect authentically—where we feel seen, heard and valued. Most of all this happens where we get sustenance and strength from that connection.
In Telling Is Listening, Ursula K. Le Guin says:
“Speech connects us so immediately and vitally because it is a physical, bodily process, to begin with. Not a mental or spiritual one, wherever it may end…Successful human relationship involves entrainment — getting in sync. If it doesn’t, the relationship is either uncomfortable or disastrous.”
What is a Powerful Conversation?
It’s not small talk—discussing the weather, world events, other generalisations like how are your kids, or how’s business? These are all fine topics but can be classified as mere pleasantries and much more appropriate in elevators, waiting in queues or just idling time away.
It’s not a discussion where one person is espousing information, whether in a seminar, or a business meeting and the others are just listening.
It is not when one person is being a good listener and allowing the other to talk freely and for as much as they want. That’s important, but for another time.
Powerful conversations occur when both speaker and listener enter a conversation as equals. They drop their shields, silence their judgemental inner voice, and allow themselves to become vulnerable.
It is when we can discuss issues that include both heart-bursting joys and some hard painful truths. It is when in the end, the conversations prod us into self-reflection, which may lead to transformation.
Barbara Walters on the Art of Conversation, says
“A conversation, even a brief one, should have all the best features of any functioning human relationships, and that means genuine interest on both sides, opportunity and respect for both to express themselves, and some dashes of tact and perception. Conversation can be such pleasure that it is criminal to exchange comments so stale that neither really listens.”
The magic of conversations is that we are not only transmitting information but also receiving something far more intangible. It’s like we are exchanging parts of ourselves, inner parts that have been hidden away in the dark abyss of our sub-conscious mind.
It is when talking and listening is collapsed into one form. We are on the same wavelength. We have become one if only for those few moments.
How do we have a powerful conversation?
Most of the time, it’s a natural occurrence, but sometimes we can be armed and ready in several ways:
Don’t plan for it—It can happen anywhere.
There’s no right or wrong place for a good conversation. Sometimes, it can happen in bedrooms, office corridors, or parking lots.
I was once on a plane from London to Berlin and I sat next to this elegant older woman. We struck up a conversation, which lasted for most of the 3- hour flight.
I can’t remember much of what we said, but I remember we exchanged stories and experiences from the different worlds and ages we came from.
I can’t even remember her name, but I do recall her big inquisitive eyes and the warm hug we exchanged when we said our goodbyes.
Plan for it with loved ones.
Sometimes if we are not careful, the vicissitudes of life and time pass us by and we find ourselves losing touch with our spouses, children, parents and friends.
I entered my teenage daughter’s room; she gave me a scowl, which I ignored and went to lie next to her in the bed. At first, she was dismissive and then the conversation warmed up. She told me of her recent trip to New York and what it meant to her. I told her about a similar experience I had almost 30 years ago.
We both took something as I saw a bit of her adventures in me and she understood it was okay to feel that way. I kissed her goodnight, and she had a look of contentment on her face, as did I.
Know when not to speak.
There is a beauty and power in silence that we are too afraid to harness. This silence politely listens and encourages the other person to talk freely without interruptions, judgements or direction. It is often more useful than compliments as it doesn’t seek to glorify the speaker, allowing them to be as free as possible.
Know when not to speak.
There is a beauty and power in silence that we are too afraid to harness. This silence politely listens and encourages the other person to talk freely without interruptions, judgements or direction. It is often more useful than compliments as it doesn’t seek to glorify the speaker, allowing them to be as free as possible.
Avoid these people or avoid being them.
There are certain people who just can’t be part of a powerful conversation, and it’s very sad to say, but pleasantries and small talk work best with them.
The naggers and complainers: Their energy is negative, and they can never put you at ease, no matter what they do. They complain about anything and everything.
Those with a win at all cost mentality: These people don’t care if they are arguing with their 10-year-old son, colleagues or the person they love the most. They must always win the argument.
“It’s all about me”: Everything is about them. If you say I was in Paris, they don’t ask how it was but quickly cut you off to say they went to Rome and go on talking about what they did and how great it was.
Those that are just too boring: They talk about everything but their true feelings. They hide behind the most intricate and mundane details that make you lose focus and within a few minutes, you feel bored and restless.
Hobby riders: These people only want to talk about what interests them. It could be football, politics or the economy. The conversation revolves about one topic and no matter how hard you try to switch it; they suck you back into their point of interest.
Put-downers: These are people who are dismissive, rude and are looking for ways to bring you down. The result is that talking with them kills your self-esteem and makes you wish you never started the conversation.
A powerful conversation is one, which leaves not only our hearts stirred but also empowers our minds for much introspection. The words spoken challenge us in such a way that we question some of the thoughts and beliefs that are holding us back.
It’s not about leaving the other with a feeling that we’ve impressed them or that we have pleased them but rather that both of us have left an indelible mark on each other’s hearts.