Open the Floodgates: Living with the Intensity of Feelings.
Published in Elephant Journal
“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how youmade them feel.”
At the core of our civilization is the expression of human emotion.
I read Shakespeare’s sonnets often, watch “Chick Flicks” without telling anyone and listen to catchy love songs that I can’t get out of my head no matterhow hard I try. Sometimes, I regard my feelings with distrust, disdain and fear especially given my macho upbringing and surroundings. However, all mymemories, points of interest and most importantly lessons in life seem to be intertwined with moments of intense feelings.
One time I had a wonderful run under the rain and immediately feelings of freedom, lightness and that “close-to-nature-bliss” enveloped me. Earlierthat morning, I gazed out my window and noticed the way the rain danced onto the grass. I could see all this as if it was in slow motion, the dropsgrowing in size and dropping gently, almost asking for permission to land.
I put on my running gear, and hurried outside so as not to miss this awesomeness. I stood under the covered arch in front of my house and felt the chillof the wind moving across my face and neck. Even now, when I think about that day, I can feel the chill on my face and the excitement that only “15degrees centigrade” kind of weather can give me. I adjusted my earphones and cap and I was off, smiling away the first few kilometres. I felt the raindrizzling against my body, and I tried to sidestep the puddles that had formed on the ground. I run as if it was the last day of my life. Finally, the pain of it caught up with me and wiped my smile away. Still, it was a moment of intense joy and contentment.
The streets were completely empty then. I was immersed in a sense of liberation and freedom. It was as if I was the only one on this planet—reminiscent of a scene from the movie “Mad Max.” I felt that inner peace and power that you feel only when your soul has made contact with you. That feeling of running under the rain was so transfixing to me that now I wait eagerly for the clouds to roll in, thrilled for the opportunity to experience it again.
I sit down in the theatre with five hundred other parents, feeling totally alone in the dark and the quiet, with the formality of the setting slowly sinkingin. It’s May, my son’s graduation day—a day of laughter and excitement for the kids, and an intense mix of feelings for the rest of us. I watch him walkdown the aisle with 50 other students and start to tear up without warning. I look around—a few people are watching me—so I hold myself togetherand watch speech after speech. I feel like I’m in a daze. One of the teachers gives a great, heartfelt speech. “Where did this guy come from?” I wonder.
Next, my son wins an award for achievement, and I’m convinced this is definitely a conspiracy to make me cry. Soon after, the ceremony ends and the graduates throw their graduation caps into the air. We all applaud. People are crying all around me. We take pictures, and say our hellos and goodbyes, then drive off to the hotel where we are holding a shared reception with some of my son’s friends. The first thing I do is down a double vodka to calm me down—as if that ever works. The evening goes well, and then the speeches begin.
I can’t remember the exact words my son uses, but I will never forget the feelings I felt as I watched him in front of the crowd, so grown-up and confident. As I hug him in front of all those people, my knees go weak, and suddenly the earth moves beneath me, as if time stopped and still. That hug brought back memories mixed with the many emotions built up throughout the evening (perhaps, enhanced by a few more double vodkas).
All in all, my heart was deeply touched with a feeling that I will never be able to explain. That hug was not just a hug. It encompassed years and years offears, love, doubts, insecurities, heartache, hope, joy, respect, and admiration. That hug was speaking a universal language understood by all. It was speaking directly to all the hearts in the room—it was a silent conversation.
“I’m leaving you,” my son was saying to me.
“I’m losing my best friend,” I replied.
“But you need to let me go. I need to start my own life, my own adventure.”
“I know. I understand.”
Kahlil Gibran writes:
“Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
As we slowly let each other go, I noticed tears in his eyes. Then the floodgates opened, and I cried like I’ve never cried before.
Once, I had a conversation with a woman on a flight to London. I can’t remember her face exactly, or her name, but I do remember her glittering turquoise blue eyes and her white soft skin. She was considerably older than me and I was drawn to her composure and the way the words came out of her mouth in short, powerful and meaningful phrases. She said something to the effect that life is an adventure, one that is unique and particular to every single one of us. She made me feel special and intelligent. Most of all, she made me feel powerful and like anything was possible, even at my ripe old age of forty five. I felt as if I was an anointed king going to reclaim his country. I felt that I still have many chapters to fill in the story of my life.
Our lives are defined by the moments we experience and the intensity of our feelings. How did we feel at that moment? Where were we when we feltthat way? Why did we feel like that? Who made us feel them? We feel good when we are happy, joyful, excited, alive, compassionate, peaceful and fullof love.
We feel bad when we are sad, hurt, tired, irritated, confused, afraid, angry and hateful. The inner labels that we give to people, places and events don’tactually refer to those things, but rather, how we feel about them. If Rome was the place I had my heart broken, then it will be etched in my heart that way, and most likely the only feeling I will get when I hear or see anything about Rome are the echoes of my pain, sadness and fear.
When I run, I feel joy, freedom and inner peace. Running becomes a symbol for those feelings. I associate running with that particular day I was running under the rain and feeling the bliss of nature. The feelings that arose from “that hug” contained both love and fear, and the mix was so powerful that Ionly remember how I felt whenever the image of that moment comes to mind. Not what anyone wore, not the speeches, or any of the details we had obsessed about preparing the reception for months in advance.
We live life for our feelings.
Our bodies are the vessels that carry and experience those feelings.
Our minds try to understand and decipher the feelings.
Our Spirits speak to us only through our feelings.