5 Obstacles That Stand in The Way of Your Intention to Change
“Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.”
I have a dream that my future will not be a function of my genes; that I will not be the self that is fashioned by societal and cultural influences. Instead, I will become the self I have intentionally and meticulously created over the past ten years.
From our cells to our values, we are in constant flux. Who we are today is so different from who we were when we were ten, twenty or thirty years ago. Therefore, who we will be in the future is not who we are today. Yet, when I stare at my reflection in the mirror, I still see the shy, lonely ten-year-old that I was.
Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert captures this paradox perfectly: “Human beings are works in progress that mistakenly think they’re finished.”
In his famous Ted Talk, Gilbert makes the point that time is a powerful force. It changes our values, personalities but we don’t appreciate this unless we look at ourselves retrospectively, over a decade or so.
We falsely think that we are the complete article even at midlife. The reality is that all of us are works in progress, transient and temporary. The only constant in our lives is change.
If we accept that change is constant, we need to be more intentional, patient and diligent in crafting the new self we must be. We can’t continue to succumb to external influences like society, family, friends, and our personal history.
We’ve all had instances when we failed miserably to follow through on promises to become better versions of ourselves, whether it is in trying to lose weight, feeling anxious about futile issues, or trying to be more supportive to our partners.
Change takes time. Change is not easy. Change is not how Hollywood has regularly portrayed the protagonist’s arc of transformation—An overweight boy struggling to fit in who suddenly becomes the new football hero and the darling of the high school. Or the girl who wasn’t given a chance at a corporate company leaves and then came back to become the new CEO within a few years.
Patience and persistence have become rare virtues in our modern world. Whether it’s the movies, the internet, social media or other influences, we’ve been taught to value instant gratification over perseverance for what we truly want in the future.
However, the new and improved version of ourselves that we seek is not a 100m sprint but a long hard marathon. There are many obstacles along the way.
I have explained five of these obstacles below.
We see our future self as something separate from our present ones.
It’s easier to look at and remember our past rather than imagine our future. We, therefore, end up believing that who we were before is who we will always be. We can’t imagine living in another country, being with other people and doing something different than what we do now. Whether it’s fear of the unknown or lack of imagination, this becomes a massive obstacle if it is not tackled.
Let’s say Tom is working at a bank in London, feeling comfortable with his life. He and his wife have just moved into a new house and have one kid with another on the way. It’s going to be very difficult for him not only to imagine the life that he’d always dreamt of—owning a vineyard in France—but also to make that move. He’s so invested in his current life that the odds are stacked up against him making any change.
Our dreams or goals must be connected to our present self and not seen as some mere disconnected wish that belongs to our future self.
We don’t do enough towards changing ourselves.
We are not proactive enough about change. We don’t take any concrete steps. Instead, we daydream, allowing life and other circumstances to stand in our way, just like a feather that floats in the air allowing the wind to determine its destination.
From the University of Cambridge, an expert in personality and motivational psychology, Dr. Brian Little said: “that an important influence on our behavior is called idiogenic motives—the plans, aspirations, commitments, and personal projects that we pursue.” These are small things we do every day towards the new person we want to be.
By starting with the result in mind, we can map the small steps towards that goal.
Suppose I dream of owning a farm in Wales five years from now. Then from today, I must start doing small things— learning all about farming, going on short farming holidays, or creating a small garden at my house where I can put my learnings to the test.
We do not clarify what we truly want in our lives.
What is it that we truly want in our lives? Why do we want that? Purpose is the fuel that keeps us going towards that new self we want. It’s the catalyst that allows our passion to kick in, enabling us to persevere when we inevitably face challenges to our unique selves.
Over the past ten years, I have identified that advocating the richness of an inner life of self-discovery, self-reflection, and the pursuit of personal growth is what I genuinely want to do.
Every day I make sure I take steps towards that. Whether I read something to satiate my curiosity, write a blog post, give a talk, I’ve become clear on my purpose by exercising the muscles of what I want to do.
We do not act out of character.
Sometimes, we have to do what we must to get what we want from life, even if it means acting out of character—being contradictory to who we were in the past. It must only mean that we are taking authentic steps towards our new actualized self.
If you’re introverted like me, you will find being ‘salesy’ or marketing your product a bit cheesy. However, if what you’re selling is aligned to your true self and you believe it would influence people positively, then perhaps you must act out of character to become ‘salesy.’ You’re optimizing yourself for the best outcome.
Age becomes our nemesis.
As we age, it becomes harder to change. Change is easier when we are younger, and as we age, it becomes harder for us to leave our comfort zones. We become set in our ways. We know what we like and what we don’t. We also have a lot less energy than we did before.
However, it doesn’t mean that we can’t change. As Maslow said, “What one can be, one must be!” He goes on to say, “One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.”
Whether you’re 21 or 61 years old, we must always be willing to change our lives to meet our true selves, even if it means that we must turn our lives upside down at a later age–The universe hasn’t set a deadline. We can meet our true selves at any age.
Throughout our lives, we are changing. We can’t stop it. The only thing that is under our control is whether we become intentional about it or not.
Who do you want to become? Where do you want to live? What do you want to do?
Start taking action today.