The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change—Carl Rogers.

Acceptance is not an easy concept to understand. It is also one, which is saddled with many negative undertones. As Carl Jung said, “the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”

However, the wiser I’ve become, the more I recognise that our only true goal in life is to accept ourselves fully.

Nothing else matters.

Not making money. Not becoming famous. Not reading every book in the world.

Not even saving the world.

Only when we reach the point of completely accepting ourselves warts and all, that we become fulfilled in our lives.

True acceptance starts with self-acceptance. Only when we accept ourselves can we be ready to accept others. The opposite of acceptance is judgment. When we stop judging ourselves and start accepting who we truly are, can we then rid ourselves of the worst aspects of human suffering—judging, comparing, resisting, grasping and striving.

Acceptance is loving ourselves unconditionally and resisting the perils of striving for perfection. In accepting and loving our own humanness, we start to do likewise with the whole of humanity.

Whether it’s Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Buddha, Jesus Christ or Prophet Mohammed, they all went through much struggle and pain to arrive at the self-awareness to accept themselves fully. Only after that, could they then have enough self-compassion to offer love and compassion to the rest of humanity and as such alleviate much suffering and seal their destiny.

What Acceptance is not?

Acceptance is not resignation. It’s not about being passive and allowing life to happen onto us, but rather an active process, a preamble to change and becoming our best versions.

Acceptance does not mean limiting our possibilities but instead provides room for growth as we focus on our inner music and ignore all the noise that hovers in the background.

What we need for Acceptance?

Acceptance simply means that we need to step back and become more self-aware, examine mindfully what is happening within us and finally to open our heart to whatever we experience. The 3 principles are:

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is having the stoic understanding that we can’t change events outside of our control but that we can only change how we perceive it. The reality is that no event in itself can upset us, but rather how we judge that particular event.

The big picture of acceptance to me means that there is some kind of divine will at play which orchestrates the big things, while our own free will only works in the narrower playing field of our mind.

We can’t change the fact that the rains will come in May and perhaps a devastating flood will ensue. However, we can be ready for it and prepare the best we can.

When we focus only on what we can do, then not only are we happier, but also become more productive and effective as well.

Mindfulness

However, the problem arises when we can’t decipher between our feelings and that of the objective reality. This is when we need to examine what’s going on inside of us with the precision of a surgeon.

Tara Brach explains:

“The wing of clear seeing is often described in Buddhist practice as mindfulness. This is the quality of awareness that recognises exactly what is happening in our moment-to-moment experience. When we are mindful of fear, for instance, we are aware that our thoughts are racing, that our body feels tight and shaky, that we feel compelled to flee—and we recognise all this without trying to manage our experience in any way, without pulling away. Because we are not tampering with our experience, mindfulness allows us to see life ‘as it is.’ “

Another way of understanding what goes on within our mind is to meditate on Rumi’s poem,”The Guesthouse”:

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Compassion

Compassion is acceptance in action. It is easy to know what we must do but often difficult to practice it. It is compassion that can act as a bridge and make that problematic path easier to traverse.

However, it all starts with self-compassion. We can’t give out what we don’t have. So if our hearts are empty of love, then even when we give, we give very little.

Tara Brach continues:

“Compassion is our capacity to relate in a tender and sympathetic way to what we perceive. Instead of resisting our feelings of fear or grief, we embrace our pain with the kindness of a mother holding her child. Rather than judging or indulging our desire for attention or chocolate or sex, we regard our grasping with gentleness and care. Compassion honours our experience: it allows us to be intimate with the life of this moment as it is. Compassion makes our acceptance whole-hearted and complete.

When we consider all 3 principles at play, then Acceptance doesn’t sound like an act of resignation, but rather the most important step towards the never-ending ladder of self-awareness, self-growth and the freedom of being who we must be.