Spirituality Archives

Big Change is Hard

“Try not to resist the changes that come your way. Instead, let life live through you. And do not worry that your life is turning upside down. How do you know that the side you are used to is better than the one to come?” ―Rumi

“For someone who keeps talking about positive change, you haven’t changed much,” she said.

“Well, change is not what you see happen in a movie,” I said.

People love to judge, compartmentalise and condemn. It makes them feel better and stronger as if your failure is their gain. However, it was also true that often, ‘who I am’ was not aligned with ‘who I want to be.’

Evolutionary biology has explained that conserving energy is part of our survival mechanism. We seek comfort, routines and certainty, which all make change hard.

If the pain we’re going through does not exceed the suffering we’re willing to put ourselves to change, it won’t happen.

If we don’t want it bad enough, it won’t happen.

My goal isn’t to write a book, create a writing habit and be at peace and harmony with the world. I’ve written several books, write consistently and have many moments of peace in my life.

Instead, I want to be a happy, mindful, contemplative author/thinker, away from affluence and society’s microscope.

From where I’m coming, the transformation I’m seeking is massive. I want to become a new person.

Instead of chasing success, status and money, something I have done most of my life, I crave to be this spiritual warrior who wants less but to be more.

On some days, I feel aligned with that goal, but not on many other days.

This means that I need to question the underlying transformation I desire. To look at it from the big ‘Why’ perspective. Using James Clear’s terminology, the change I seek is not only about changing my outcomes and systems but also my identity, beliefs and worldview.

That is huge.

For most of my 55 years, I have been brought up and lived on a formula that does not fit what I want to be. Success, money, and affluence were the only markers of how to live a good life.

And here is the new me, wanting to do a complete 360-degree change and become the next Rumi, someone who writes, speaks and lives love, compassion and everything that’s good about humanity.

Rumi didn’t start as the 13th-century Persian poet we all cherish today. He was a wealthy nobleman, theologian, and sober Islamic scholar until he met the wandering dervish monk Shams Al Tabriz.

Rumi knew he had met his soul mate as soon as Shams spoke. And Shams knew he had found the star pupil he’d been seeking for 17 years. They retreated to Rumi’s house for almost three months. There, they both touched a godly and inexplicable light source. Each man, with the help of the other, discovered the grace and truth he sought.

After his introduction to the world of mysticism, Rumi awakened and learned everything he could about love — unbounded, compassionate and universal. He would become the most famous son of Sufism and the most-read poet of all time.

Was living like Rumi truly what my soul desired?

I recalled what my psychologist sister once told me: many of her patients came not to change. They wanted her to make them feel better as they continued their old behaviour, nuanced with cosmetic changes masquerading as new behaviour. That’s when she told them the harsh truth that change means you must do the work—a deep excavation to know yourself and what you really want.

Perhaps I was doing just that. Is it true that I want a simple life of peace and harmony? Or was it just something I sought due to the last turbulent years of my life?

Author Parker Palmer has a different way of looking at the question of living truthfully: the central question is not, “Am I living the life I want?” but, as Parker says, “Is the life I am living the same as the life that wants to live in me?”

Shams didn’t come into my life, but writing somehow did. It released the tension in and around my heart, allowing me to dig deep into my psyche and to ‘know myself’ much better.

It made me notice the world around me, empathise with the people in it, and, most importantly, taught me new ways of being with the heart being central to how I thought.

I’m learning that it’s less about getting this or that and going after the shiny goals like publishing a book, getting 100K subscribers, going on a 10-day meditation retreat and more about adopting new behaviours that align with the new ‘Mo’ that I want to be:

To do more of what I love. (Let’s start with writing.)

To live more mindfully and enjoy the ‘now.’

To live more vulnerably.

To become more intimate with people.

To be more loving and compassionate.

To appreciate and participate in the power of community.

I’m not saying I’m healed or won’t fail again and fall back on chasing numbers and status. By being brave and consistent in all of the above, I’m replacing despair with hope.

When I accept that changing my identity is the biggest fight of my life, that means I’ll reclaim the power within me and bring back my dignity.

It means I’m giving myself permission to live the life I want first and foremost, accepting that it will be messy and that I won’t always feel good.

I will stop waiting for anything or anyone and instead start today with small actions, staying with them long enough so that my new behaviour becomes embedded within me.

That’s when the magic happens.

That’s when I’d feel life pulsing through my veins.

Perhaps it won’t satisfy the naysayers or be exactly Rumi-esque, but it will be the life that wants to live in me.

Why My Drive for Individualism Meant That I Was Losing Connection

Last month, I travelled to Lebanon after my elderly father was rushed to hospital. This time around, I didn’t stay in Beirut but instead at his house in a small town, just outside Tyre.

Whether it was the internet that was so sporadic, the cold rainy February weather, or how the big old house gave us with many problems, my spoilt self was left annoyed and frustrated.

And yet, in such a stressful time, I was at peace, felt content and at ease with myself. Of course, being around my siblings and father was a tremendous boon. But also, there was something about the energy and the simplicity of the people of this town, that rubbed off on me.

There was a sense of connection I rarely felt before. Whenever I was at the supermarket, pharmacy or any shop, people were smiling, talkative and bonding.

I had to remind myself that the Lebanese people were suffering through the worst economic crisis of their modern history. So many had lost their livelihoods, saw most of their life savings wiped out and now lived on a tenth on what they earned previously.

Nevertheless, they were positive, caring, and seemed sincerely happy.

True, their mannerisms in driving, ignoring anyone (esp. me) in queues and having the speaker on all the time when using their phones drove me mad, but they were always genuine and kind.

Perhaps, it was what Brene Brown alluded to when she defined connection:

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

The barber who cut my hair was friendly and helped me get to a place I had difficulty finding. The gym owner I joined was so laid back that he gave me the keys to open if I came in early, as is my want.

Often after I finished my gym session, I’d stop to buy a ‘Knefe’ sandwich (a local sweet breakfast delicacy) and eat it while standing outside the shop with drivers, labourers, and others. There would be some small talk but primarily smiles and laughter. Everyone seemed to connect in some magical way.

That’s when it hit me hard. I’ve chased productivity, achievement, and sophistication all my life, yet I’ve never given connection or community the priority it deserves. I didn’t think I had to work at it, thinking that it would just happen.

I had designed my life around solitude and reflection to write in my spare time. I was also content with a small group of friends and family. However, this small group was fast dwindling as we reached midlife and had started moving on to differing lives.

Now I know that if I don’t put connection at the top of my priorities, I’d be building a life that would lead to loneliness, which in turn would lead to depression.

In a passage appearing in the Pali Canon, one of the oldest remaining Buddhist texts, the Buddha’s loyal attendant, Ananda, approaches the Buddha and asks, “Venerable sir, this is half of the spiritual life, that is, good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship.” The Buddha replies enthusiastically yet sternly: “Not so, Ananda! Not so! This is the entire spiritual life, that is good friendship, good companionship, good comradeship.”

Why have I not taken connection seriously?

True, the internet and social media have affected us all, giving us an illusion that we connect when it’s doing the absolute opposite.

However, I think it all started way before the internet when we became fascinated by individualism. From the basic concept of self-reliance to the more radical Ayn Rand’s ‘Objectivism’ philosophy, striving and going alone became the modern man’s way of being.

Today, I see how wrong this individualistic thinking is and was left in awe by the words of French sociologist Émile Durkheim who is credited for being one of the co-founders of sociology.

In his 1897 ground-breaking work, Suicide, he observed that:

“Society cannot disintegrate without the individual detaching himself from social life, without his own goals becoming preponderant over those of the community, in a word without his personality tending to surmount the collective personality. The more weakened the groups to which he belongs, the less he depends on them, the more he consequently depends only on himself and recognizes no other rules of conduct than what are founded on his private interests.”

How can we get more connected?

1)Create a ‘Digital Detox’ Plan

Undoubtedly, our phones, iPads and laptops are becoming obstacles to connecting with ourselves and the community. When occupied digitally, we lose our ability to interact and listen to each other as texting limits thoughtful discussion.

We can’t truly hear each other’s stories as a few lines of text hardly compares to seeing and listening to the other person in front of us.

How can we engage and enjoy our relationships when a family dinner in a restaurant turns into an occasion where all members are on their phones and texting away?

Perhaps, you can start by trying to master the use of your phone. Try putting it out of sight when having dinner, two hours before sleep and two hours after rising in the morning.

2)Get involved with a meaningful group

When we connect with people who share the same interests, activities and values, we become happier and feel more connected.

If you are religious, start going to church, mosque or temple. If you like books, then create a book club. If you want to run, join a runner’s club.

I’m restarting an initiative, Socrates Café, that I created before Covid, when a small group of us would meet to discuss deep topics such as; do we have free will?

3)Find your community (or Town)

The Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, “”If you consort with someone covered in dirt you can hardly avoid getting a little grimy yourself.”

People around us, our environment, and the society we live in have a much more significant impact than we are willing to accept. Our family and friends are our balance, the bedrock of our lives, but sometimes we don’t think on the same wavelength.

However, with the speed of how everything moves in our modern world, we must choose how and who we spend our valuable time with wisely.

If a family member is negative and brings you down, you can love them from afar, but you don’t need to spend all your time with them.

Also, the country, city, and neighbourhood that you choose to live in has a great impact on the quality of your life.The deep sense of community I felt during the month I stayed in that small town has remained ingrained in my heart.

Now, I have vowed not to take connection for granted anymore. Instead, I’m building small steps so that in the near future, I’d be living in the right place, connected and content with all the right people around me.

Connection makes our hearts smile. It far exceeds the dopamine hits of the mind when we pursue individualism and achievement.

How Acceptance Can Help Us Take The Right Action

Photo by Alireza Sahebi on Unsplash

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” ― Lao Tzu

Over the last month, several events have conspired together to leave me feeling helpless and lacking control. These included a mini cash flow crisis at my company and being disappointed by a friend. At first, I was left dejected and reacted badly in both instances.

However, after much reflection and reading some Buddhist philosophy, I realized that I was responding from a place of non-acceptance.

I was wishing that I’d get some magical injection of cash into the company that would save the day and that the person who’d hurt me would stop being who they’ve always been.

The Buddhist Metaphor of the 2nd Arrow

An excerpt from The Practice of Groundedness by Brad Stulberg:

“An elegant Buddhist parable teaches not to let the arrow hit you twice. The first arrow—be it a negative thought, feeling, event, or circumstance—you can’t always control. But you can control the second arrow, or your reaction to the first one. Often, this reaction is one of denial, suppression, judgment, resistance, or impulsive action—all of which tend to create more, not less, difficulty and distress. The Buddha taught that it is this, the second arrow, that hurts worse, and it is also the second arrow that prevents you from doing anything wise about the first one. The idea of the second arrow runs deep in Buddhist teachings. The legend goes that on the eve of his awakening, the Buddha was assaulted by the god Mara, who represents fear, craving, suffering, anger, delusion, and a host of other maladies. Throughout the night, Mara levied upon the Buddha storms, armies, and demons. He assaulted the Buddha with arrows of greed, hatred, jealousy, and delusion. Yet instead of resisting these arrows, the Buddha met each one with a present, tender, and spacious awareness. As he did, the arrows were transformed into flowers. Over time, the petals piled up into a mound, and the Buddha became increasingly calm and clear. Mara kept on assaulting the Buddha, and the Buddha kept on responding with acceptance and compassion. Eventually, Mara realized the Buddha would not resist or suppress his attacks, and he retreated. It is in this way that the Buddha became enlightened. He could finally see clearly and fully.”

Things only became more apparent when I removed myself from the two issues and looked upon them as an objective observer. The first arrow hit me hard. Now I had to avoid the second more painful one coming my way.

I had to respond from a place of total acceptance.

Doing so meant that I had to:

1. Accept what is happening without judging myself.

2. Choosing the right action that aligns with my core values.

3. Taking action, no matter how hard and uncomfortable it may feel.

At first, I blamed myself when I looked back at missed opportunities I had to avoid what happened to me. But I quickly realized that I was going down a rabbit hole of self-criticism and rumination that would keep me down in the dumps for a long time.

I cut myself some slack and told myself the truth. I couldn’t stop the cash flow crisis or force my friend to show up. I was self-compassionate enough to understand that I hadn’t become a lousy businessman or a bad person all of a sudden.

Moving forward, in the case of the company’s cash flow crisis, I accepted that no extra cash would be coming in. So I refused to take an expensive short-term loan and instead contacted my creditors and asked for payment deferrals. Some agreed, but others didn’t. And somehow, we made it through the month.

With my friend, I wrote a letter explaining how I felt and why I was disappointed, knowing that in not entertaining their selfish and self-centred ways, that I might lose them. But, I’ve accepted that and right now, I need the support that my values give me.

Perhaps, I will suffer more cash flow issues in the future, and I might not hear from my friend for a long while.

However, in accepting the situation as it was, and making difficult choices, I’ve acted in a way that fitted with my innermost values.

Now, I hope to avoid the second more painful arrow.

How Understanding Quantum Physics Helps Me Appreciate the Power of Our Mind

I was six years old when I asked my older brother, “Who created us, and what are we here to do?”

When I was eleven, I asked him, “If God created us, then who created God?”

Now, I’m almost 50 years old, and I’m still wondering about those same questions. I’m still searching for the answers.

In reality, whether it’s devout religious followers, logical believers in the exact nature of science, or New Age believers who mix science and religion, no one knows the truth.

For me, however, the secret lies in understanding how the world works through Quantum Physics. In Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Dr Joe Dispenza explains this complex subject in layman terms. I’ve summarized as best I can:

Newtonian Law—Mind has no control over matter

Descartes proposed that while the study of matter or the atoms that make up our physical bodies and everything in the universe belongs to the realm of science, our mind and everything unseen falls under the domain of religion. Isaac Newton, the most famous physicist in history, then crystallized this thinking by proving that all atoms are made of solid stuff. The Newtonian universe was like a machine governed by a set of laws. In it, we could determine, calculate, and predict everything. Energy was an outside force, separate to matter, which could only change the physical state of matter when applied to it. Our minds had no control over events.

Quantum Physics— Energy and matter are related

Einstein then undermined the entire foundation of Newton’s work and ushered in the new era of quantum physics by declaring that time and space were relative, not absolute as scientists had believed before the introduction of his theory of relativity. Thus, energy and matter were related and interchangeable.

Other scientists like Planck, Bohr, and Heisenberg used newer technology to study the workings of the subatomic world. It was the birth of quantum physics—the study of matter and energy at nanoscopic levels.

They found that quanta (the smallest form of energy) form atoms, which form molecules, which form objects; everything seen is made up of these quanta particles. However, these quanta particles do not behave according to the principles of Newtonian physics, making them a series of probabilities.

These scientists then observed that light was the force holding all the quanta particles, atoms, and molecules together—that all forms of matter are made up of solidified light. This light behaves both like a wave, when bending around a corner, and like a particle, when travelling in a straight line.

At the subatomic level, atoms are not solid, but rather 99% energy or particles. Nothing is fixed or solid. Matter appears as a wave of probability in one moment, as a solid particle the next, and then disappears into nothing and reappears at another location. The universe was no longer fixed, but movable swirls of energy instead. Events were now controllable and changeable.

Observer Effect— Our thoughts do matter

Electrons exist simultaneously in an infinite array of possibilities and probabilities in an invisible field of energy. Only when an observer focuses attention on any one location of any one electron does that electron appear.

A particle can only manifest in reality, in space and time, when we observe it. At the subatomic level, energy responds to our mindful attention and becomes matter. We can influence an event insofar as our thoughts can influence the movement of energy.

The Quantum Field—we are all interconnected

The “quantum field” holds all probabilities, which we then collapse into reality through our thoughts (consciousness), feelings, and state of being. The quantum field consists of invisible potential energy that can organize itself from energy to subatomic particles to atoms to molecules, and on up the line to everything.

Everything–humans, stars, galaxies–is connected to this invisible energy in a place beyond space and time. This concept is known as quantum entanglement. According to this theory, when two particles are linked in some way, they will always remain so. The universe, our thoughts, and everything else is interconnected.

Law of Attraction— Our energetic being must match the potential

The law of attraction states that when we change our electromagnetic signature (the unique, identifiable energy we radiate) to match one that already exists in the quantum field, our body will be drawn to that occurrence. The quantum field responds not to what we want, or to our thoughts alone, but to who we are. Our thoughts send an electrical signal out into the field. The feelings we generate magnetically draw events back to us.

How we think and how we feel co-produce a state of being, which generates an electromagnetic signature, which in turn influences everything in our world. If our intentions and desires haven’t produced consistent results, we’ve probably been sending an incoherent, mixed message into the field. We’re thinking one way and feeling another way. And when the mind is in opposition to the body (or vice versa), the field won’t respond in any consistent way.

I spent the whole of 2016 listening to bestselling writer Tim Ferriss’ podcast and reading his blogs. I arrived at a summer writing course in Paris to find he was one of the students, as he was a friend to the writing tutor, Rolf Potts.

Synchronicity—signs from the universe

When small coincidences start occurring, such as a friend calling just when we are thinking of them intently, or starting a diet and exercise plan only to find ourselves sitting next to a personal trainer on the plane, these are called synchronicities. Carl Jung coined the term. Synchronicities are signs and directions thrown our way by the universe when we are vibrating at the same level and have faith that the universe will respond to our electrical charge or thought.

I enjoy listening to podcasts and am thinking of starting one. In the past few weeks, several incidents have occurred related to podcasting. First, my son’s friend is in the country on a month-long holiday and he’s an expert in podcasting and can help me set it up. Then, I receive an email from someone who wants to interview me on their podcast, which I do and enjoy very much.

A Reality Without Senses—Be present

The quantum field is a multidimensional reality that exists beyond our senses, beyond time, beyond space, and beyond our bodies. To be able to create and match the probabilities we must be in the present; we must actually shift our thoughts away from our physical environment.

I’ve found that the more time I spend thinking and being deliberate about solving a problem, the harder a solution is to find. I spent a few hours in a marketing meeting trying to brainstorm ideas on how to launch a new campaign, and we came up with nothing special. I went home early, ran for five kilometers, and started writing when suddenly I had a great idea on how to launch our new concept.

Change your thoughts, change your life

The new science of quantum physics paves the way for us to create meaningful change in our lives. When we change our thoughts, making them focused and coherent, and let our feelings and actions match them, then we can change our behavior and our life.’

We are connected to a universal intelligence. We are interconnected with everything. However, our past and patterns have such a strong hold on our present thinking that we lose faith in ourselves and this intelligence. We lose that connection.

When we change our thoughts based on our new perceptions, we change our actions. And thus, we change our experience itself—our reality.

It Is Possible to Be A Successful Entrepreneur and A Spiritual Person

“Remember your Buddha nature, and also your Social Security number.” –Jack Kornfield

Three years ago, at a Self-Growth event, I spoke on spirituality. I was introduced as an entrepreneur, which was and still is a big part of my life.

At the end of the event, a woman with a cynical smile approached me and said, “I enjoyed what you said about spirituality. But you’re hypocritical by being a businessman who drove into this place with that nice car and claiming you’re spiritual.” She wagged her finger at me, did not give me a chance to respond and walked away.

Over the years, I have been attacked, judged and dismissed by many who still believe that you cannot seek a Buddha-like nature and be an entrepreneur. This is usually from both sides of the aisle, whether they are hard-nosed businessmen or yoga enthusiasts/spiritual seekers of our world.

The truth is that most people get confused when they cannot put you in a box. When they cannot label you as one thing or another, if they cannot figure it out, they resort to putting you down.

Unfortunately, the world has never been more polarised than today. Fuelled by the ease and cowardice at which one can criticise on social media, embittered people love nothing better than to bring someone down.

There is no opportunity for accepting divergent viewpoints and often not enough time for someone to explain before a hoard of people jump on the bandwagon and start attacking.

For example, not everyone who meditates has found Nirvana and is no longer capable of anger and impatience. Not every animal lover must refrain from eating meat. Not everyone who dislikes Trump is automatically a Democrat or Liberal.

Most of us have not reached a final viewpoint as regards what our cohesive philosophy of life truly is. We are constantly creating and walking our paths at the same time. We are self-adjusting as we move towards it.

Whether we are entrepreneurs, soldiers, poets, engineers or nurses, we are also human beings. Whether we are religious, atheist or agnostic, we are all struggling to make sense of our worlds.

In one way or another, we are trying to connect to something bigger than ourselves, to some universal divine matrix in which we are all connected in some way. It is like we are seeking a cosmic pat on the shoulder—some kind of validation.

The word ‘spirituality’ has become weighed down with different definitions. It has become a catch-all phrase that lacks a clear intention.

Traditionally, spirituality describes people practising their religion, meditating, or otherwise trying to reach higher consciousness levels. More recently, it has become very much in vogue to say, “I’m spiritual,” to explain one’s non-materialistic or non-superficial worldview.

However, the origin of the word ‘spiritual’ is Latin. It comes from the word ‘spiritus,’ meaning “breath.” Other words that share this root include inspire, aspire and conspire, which suggests togetherness. It is when we connect to our souls and the souls around us that we feel inspired—or in spirit.

We come to earth in a human body to have a physical experience, but we quickly forget that there is another unseen, and often forgotten, part of us—our soul. We remember and access that forgotten side of ourselves through spiritual practice. Spirituality refers to the process of building a bridge to our souls, making sure that this bridge is passable in both directions.

I believe we are born spiritual but somehow lose our innocent connection to our souls as we grow up and conform to social norms. This lost connection is hard to explain. It’s often fleeting, but we all know it and have felt it before. It’s a combination of joy and inner peace. It is a feeling of complete love where we feel safe, worthy and abundant. Most of all, we feel whole; our highest priority is love. We become if you will allow the term, part of God.

Why do many people find it difficult to accept that someone can be spiritual (the way I have explained it above) and successful?

For me, you can do whatever you want, live well, be successful and seek the ineffable, as long as you are acting with good faith and not harming yourself or others.

In a podcast with Tim Ferriss, Elizabeth Lesser, the founder of the well-renowned ‘Omega Institute,’ echoed what Kornfield said above.

“Keep your heart wide, wide open; that is the path of the sacred seeker. But if you don’t have a strong backbone — and that’s why you see in meditation the posture of a strong back. If you do not have that strong backbone and that ability to say, ‘No, I have boundaries. I know who I am. I am valid. I belong here.’ If you don’t work with those two things together, you either become too hard — that stop can just make you so rigid and hard and kind of like an asshole — or if you’re too open and too sensitive and too soft, you just get run over because that’s what happens. So that is to me, like a noble meditation. Do no harm and take no shit.”

Yes, entrepreneurship means you often must take tough decisions. Yes, business is a zero-sum game in that the company’s viability is what matters most. And sometimes, people who can’t keep pace with that must fall by the wayside. But like everything else, doing business has evolved just like we are no longer hunter-gatherers.

Why can’t we be both kind but practical? Why can’t we be grounded while believing in the mystery of life? Why can’t we work hard, enjoy some fruits of our labour, and follow the principles of doing good to ourselves and others?

I will run my company striving to be kind to my employees, going the extra mile for our customers and trying to impact our community with the value of both our products and services.

I am an entrepreneur. But I’m also aware of my biology. In that, there is an undeniable mystery to life that is constantly tugging silently away at me.

I will not stop investigating that mystery, no matter how I am perceived while practising what I love.

Why We Are Compelled to Do Something—No Matter What.

I struggle with my meditation practice. I go through periods, often six months at a time, when I am religious about it—sitting legs crossed first thing in the morning, for at least twenty minutes.

But, somehow, I stop. It fizzles away from my life.

I had stopped for almost two years. Then in November of last year, I read Robert’s Wright excellent book, “Why Buddhism is True: The Science and Philosophy of Meditation and Enlightenment.” He comes to meditation from an evolutionary scientific perspective. I found his work refreshing, practical and motivating. I have been meditating since I read it.

Over the last few weeks, I have started to falter again, missing at first a day, then a few days. Now, I find myself missing five days in a row and questioning why I need to meditate again.

Whether it is exercise, meditation, doing puzzles or some new business strategy we have adopted, we all go through periods where we cannot stick with it. This common affliction can be known as; ‘loss of faith,’ ‘throwing in the towel,’ or simply ‘giving up.’

When we start something new, we are excited about it. However, after a few months, the novelty wears off. We wake up and are just not feeling it. Immediately after reading Wright’s book and for a few months after, I was eager to sit on a cushion every morning, but not so now.

Why have my feelings let me down towards a practice that I know has many benefits—giving me more inner peace, reducing my stress levels and making me more relaxed?

From the outset, when adopting a new activity or strategy, we need to ask whether it is relevant and rewarding for us. We do not want to be unduly influenced by our peer groups or engage in such activities because it is everywhere on social media, becoming the latest fad.

We must distinguish between how we feel when in the activity and the imagined reward we attach to its outcome.

Let us say I took up meditation because I had heard on many podcasts how effective it is with all kinds of world-class performers like Bill Gates, Oprah Winfrey, the late Kobe Bryant, Rick Rubin, Jerry Seinfeld, Clint Eastwood. The list goes on and includes many billionaires. Because of this, I would be expecting that meditation would somehow give me inner peace and patience as a by-product only to make me successful like the above examples. I would quit as soon as the novelty wears off and I realize that meditation had not given me the success that I had imagined.

The truth is, I was motivated to start meditation because of the success stories. Over the past seven years, I have noticed how it grounds me—reminding me that I am not my thoughts. I am separate from that inner voice that bombards me throughout the day.

We also need to understand that not everything rewarding is always fun. I suspect this is where most of us fail. We are brought up on a diet of instant gratification. In that, every meditation session takes us to Nirvana, that every run we embark on must take us into a ‘runner’s high’ mental state, or every meeting with a customer must end with a sale.

Ultimately, we need to ask ourselves if we would keep doing that activity even if we will not be rewarded. Also, not everything we do comes with a lifetime guarantee that it works and is suitable. There is some uncertainty that we must constantly navigate.

Are we willing to spill blood, tears and sweat for it? Not because of a perceived outcome, not because we enjoy doing it but because we feel driven to do it no matter what?

Hemingway once said, “The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.” Put in another way, sometimes our decisions must not be based on logic but on unwavering faith that we could accomplish them. We should push aside our egoic, thinking mind and rely on instinct and faith, as if driven by some outside force.

Meditation is frustrating, as it is difficult to gauge any linear progress. We do not see results quickly, and we underestimate its effect. I’m left frustrated many a day after my twenty-minute session as my mind was all over the place and I couldn’t muster stilling my thoughts for more than 30 seconds in the whole session.

There would be no Buddha smile after those sessions. However, there is an inner voice that is constantly tugging away at me to meditate. I can’t explain it. I cannot make sense of it. I just have a deep knowing that I must bear through the disenchantment and keep doing the work. I must endure through it. Not for any tangible results but because I am compelled to do so.

Off to the meditation mat then.

How The Stockdale Principle Can Help Overcome Adversity

Zazen Koan on Unsplash

Man is troubled not by events, but by the meaning he gives them…What, then, is to be done? To make the best of what is in our power, and take the rest as it naturally happens.—Epictetus, Discourses 1.1.17

I woke up slightly disturbed. My heart was beating faster than usual. I sat up in bed trying to understand why. Then the dream came to me.

I was sat in a horse-driven carriage going so fast that I was bouncing up and down on the bare wooden seat of the carriage. But here’s the thing; there was no horse. I was sat in a horseless carriage going at 60mph in a deserted European village going through a paved narrow street. It must have been some time in the 18^th century. I could see on my left, big wooden doors that were marked with large red-painted crosses. Lying on the cobble-stone road all around me were dead bodies on the ground. As I got out of the village and into the countryside, the horse magically appeared. I was holding the reins controlling the horse and carriage. At first, it was fast but with each gallop, the pace slowed down, until at the end the horse stopped in front of a stream. I saw my face change from a worried, freakish frenzy to a more serene and thoughtful look.

What to make of it? Obviously, living through the pandemic of COVID-19 played a big role in the dream. However, when I thought more about the vividness of the details, there was more to it than just that. Why was the carriage horseless until I was safe and out of the danger zone?

The Stockdale Paradox

This is a concept popularized by Jim Collins, the great business management guru, in his book Good to Great.

James Stockdale was one of the highest-ranking naval officers to be captured during the Vietnam War. He spent seven-plus years as a POW in Hanoi. He was regularly tortured, kept in solitary confinement and had his legs in iron cuffs. His chances of getting out were slim, to say the least.

However, being the leader of the other soldiers in capture meant he wanted to stay alive not just for himself but also for the rest. He found a way to get through his hell by balancing reality with faith; the reality that he might be killed at any moment and the faith that one day he would get out alive.

Stockdale explained this idea as the following: “You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end — which you can never afford to lose — with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”

The contradictory idea is a great lesson for all of us who must balance both life’s trials with an optimistic outlook that things will work out at the end. The paradox flies in the face of unbridled optimism, positive and self-help movement who want us to believe that we can will anything we want into existence.

In a discussion with Collins for his book, Stockdale speaks about how the optimists fared in camp. The dialogue goes:

“Who didn’t make it out?” “Oh, that’s easy,” he said. “The optimists”. “The optimists? I don’t understand,” I said, now completely confused, given what he’d said a hundred meters earlier. “The optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, ‘We’re going to be out by Christmas.’ And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they’d say, ‘We’re going to be out by Easter.’ And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart.”

We all want success without failure. We all want gold at the end of the rainbow. However, in desiring only the perfect results, we often blind ourselves to the harsh realities that await us.

The paradox teaches us that life is not binary; either we are happy or miserable. Life is not that we either live happily ever after or we suffer through miserable defeat. It’s not about choosing sides.

Conversely, it’s all about embracing both feelings even if they oppose each other. It’s about realising that both feelings are necessary and reliant on each other for us to achieve our goal; to be content; to reach our own Nirvana.

In this age of wanting instant results, the ‘Stockdale Paradox’ emphasises that we must learn how to hold both pain and joy, successes and failures, and embrace uncertainty. If our faith remains unwavering and we are willing to put in the work, then we will prevail eventually.

Stockdale was freed alive at the end whilst countless others died from hopelessness. This was because he learned to balance both hope and reality at the same time.

In my dream, the horse signifies the faith within me. When I was in the midst of the plague-struck village, I felt helpless, fearful and lacked faith. The horse simply disappeared.

Yet, when I managed to get out of the turmoil of the village and into the countryside, I’d controlled my ‘monkey-mind’ and looked at the reality—that things will be okay if only I persevere and do the work—then the horse magically appeared.

It’s in balancing these two mindsets that we can make our faith work. We thus become realistic optimists that not only survive but thrive in our perplexing world.

I’m Learning Yoga at 51. Here is Why…

I’ve just completed an 11-day immersive Yoga program. I spent ninety minutes a day on the mat for 11 consecutive days with an amazing and effervescent Yogi teacher.

From the outset, Nana explained that she will not teach me the traditional Yoga as to how many understood it to be. Instead, she would give me broad teaching so that I can sample the many different aspects of Yoga, which includes work on and off the mat.

I’ve written before that 2019 was a tough year for me. I’d lost much of my spiritual connection and found myself mired in material turmoil. My ‘monkey’ mind returned with vigour and was threatening to ruin me. I saw everything and everyone as a threat. I was constantly reacting to stimuli instead of taking a step back to reflect.

I knew how to calm the mind and have written extensively about it. However, last year proved to me that the real knowing only happens when we do what we know in the middle of an engulfing storm.

The challenge for me was how to get myself into a ‘Relaxation Response mode.”–to regularise my breathing in all situations consciously.

In such a state, we are free from the emotional and physiological effect that clouds our judgment and thinking. We are more objective, seeing things for what they are. My daughter not replying to my text message doesn’t mean she has abandoned me. My company’s woes need not say I’m bankrupt.

I felt that Yoga could well be that practice that got me back to my true self and released me from the dangers of my reactive mind.

I thought there must be a reason for which there are over 300 million Yoga practitioners in the world. Many swear by how healthy, fit, and flexible Yoga has made them. Others claim that a Yoga practice has made them more spiritual as they got closer to God.

I wasn’t enamoured by the headstands or the many challenging asana poses; instead, I wanted my spiritual connection back.

In Sanskrit, Yoga means ‘Union’—The union of mind, body, and soul. I saw Yoga as a spiritual practice that connects us to something deep within ourselves, other spiritual beings, and the universe.

I recall that the origin of the word “spiritual” is Latin. It comes from the word “spiritus,” meaning “breath.” Other words that share this root include inspire, aspire, and conspire, which suggests togetherness. It’s when we connect to our souls and the souls around us that we feel inspired—or in spirit.

We come to earth in a human body to have a physical experience. We quickly forget that there is another unseen, and often forgotten, part of us—our soul.

We remember and access that forgotten side of ourselves through spiritual practice. Spirituality refers to the process of building a bridge to our souls, making sure that this bridge is passable in both directions. Perhaps, Yoga is one such bridge?

I believe we are born spiritual but somehow lose our innocent connection to our souls as we grow up, conform to social norms, and navigate the vicissitudes of life.

This lost connection to our soul is an ineffable feeling and hard to explain. It’s often fleeting, but we all know it and have felt it before. It’s a combination of joy and inner peace. It’s a feeling of complete love where we feel safe, worthy, and abundant.

Most of all, we feel whole; our highest priority is love. We become, if you will allow the term, part of God.

Religion works for many, and I’m all for that. However, I personally find dogmatic rules and regulations rather off-putting, stifling even. It’s like teaching a student the final solution to a mathematical problem without allowing them time to learn how and why the equation works.

Most of us need this spiritual power as it gives our life and our pain deeper meaning. It turns setbacks into lessons for growth—not just defeating endpoints.

When we finished our time on the mat, Nana said: “Your Yoga starts now. How you speak and lead your team at work is also Yoga.”

I’m no Yoga expert and a mere novice in the practice. However, I do know the feeling of connection to my spirit. I felt it during my practice. I felt a kind of presence that stayed with me for a while after the mat work had finished.

I felt my breath regularise after several intense rounds of vinyasa flow. I felt my mind still when I was lying in Savasana (Corpse Pose) pose at the end. Each inhale and exhale was me crossing over to meet my soul and a reminder of my connection.

Yoga is more than what we do. It is who we are being.

On the day before last, Nana gave me a Yoga sutra which she felt was suitable for me. The Yoga Sutra is a collection of aphorisms, “threads” (as sutra translates from Sanskrit) of wisdom that offer guidelines for living a meaningful and purposeful life.

Yoga Sutra 1.41 by Patanjali (translation by as at today -1BonGiovani)

“When the agitations of the mind are under control, the mind becomes like a transparent crystal and has the power of becoming whatever form is presented—Knower, the act of knowing, or what is known.”

Nana intuitively knew not only my mind but my life’s true goal.

I’ve always been seeking inner peace, tranquillity, and the becalming of the mind. Sometimes, I get it right and find this blissful state of grace, but at other times I get swept up by the swirling dark clouds that frequent me. I forget that my spiritual power can conquer all.

We’re not perfect. No matter how much we develop ourselves, we will always face challenges, crises, and defeats. Sometimes, we’ll slip unconsciously into a reactive ‘monkey-mind’ mode.

However, it’s how we respond to these slips and get back into our spiritual connection that can distinguish our lives.

Whenever we see ourselves going the wrong way, away from the person we want to be or the person we want to be around, it’s time for reflection. It’s time to reconnect to our spiritual part.

Yoga can help us do that.

Why We Need Some Pain in Our Lives: 7 Quotes From David Goggins

A poster to promote All Hands Magazine’s interview with former Navy SEAL Chief David Goggins, known as “the toughest man alive.” (Graphic by Austin Rooney/released)

“I teach suffering (Dukkha), its origin, cessation, and path. That’s all I teach,”, declared the Buddha 2500 years ago.

However, most people dismiss the teachings of Buddha because of the word suffering. The word Dukka is in Pali and unlike English can mean much more than just the word suffering.

Buddha’s real intention was not to say we are meant to suffer all the time. Instead, he teaches us that as we separate from our true nature, we are inclined to be in a state of dissatisfaction.

Understanding that is the key to true happiness.

Unfortunately, today, we define happiness superficially. Look no further than Instagram to see how we define happiness—money, achievements, fame, and other bling symbols. Our values have become diluted yet the simple eternal truth remains that as humans what we crave most in our lives is a sense of meaning.

To understand joy, meaning, and what gives us lasting happiness means we must endure pain, discomfort, and suffering. “To live is to suffer,” as Nietzsche said.

For many, a harsh or poor upbringing means that they are imbued with a certain toughness and drive that many who are born into middle-class upbringing don’t have. However, as the world moves away from poverty to a higher living standard, we are thus becoming more comfortable.

The reality is that comfort breeds complacency, and complacency brings on mediocrity which leads many to an unfulfilled life.

I think the only way we can create meaning in our lives and grow is when we endure some suffering first. How can we feel joy when we haven’t felt its polar opposite? The pain we feel gives us hunger and appreciation for the joy we feel afterward.

David Goggins epitomizes what suffering, as defined by the Buddha, can achieve, physically at least. His book, Can’t Hurt Me, is a must-read.

Goggins is a retired Navy Seal, elite ultramarathon runner, triathlete and all-round endurance nut. In 2013, he broke the record for most pullups in 24 hours. In the military, he is the only man to complete SEAL training, US Army Ranger School, and Air Force Tactical Air Controller training. He has been commonly referred to as ‘The Hardest Man Alive,’ and it’s hard to disagree.

However, the exciting thing about Goggin’s story is that his life has never been a smooth ride. Life has knocked him down over and over again. From his father abusing him when he was a child, growing up on food stamps and a poor upbringing. He’s had to fight all his life for what he wanted, always pushing through barrier after barrier coming out stronger each time.

Only because of the pain he’s gone through, has he lived a brilliant life. He trains intensely pushing himself sometimes too extremely. He was hardening his body to “callous his mind” as he refers to it, so that he could handle whatever life throws at him.

These are Goggins best quotes/lessons:

#1 Motivation is not enough

“Motivation can provide the spark, but what keeps the flame going and growing, is a deep drive. It’s internal, not an external source.”

#2: Be True to Yourself

”The only way I became successful was going towards the truth. As painful and as brutal as it is, it changed me. It allowed me to become, in my own right, who I am today.”

#3: The Accountability Mirror

”Look in the mirror and ask, “What have I done today to improve myself?”

#4: Stay Uncivilized

“The worst things that can happen to a man is to become civilized “

#5: No Quick fixes

“Everybody wants a quick fix like 6-minute abs – you may get some results from it, but those results won’t be permanent. The permanent results come from you having to suffer. You have to make that a tattoo on your brain so that when the hard time comes again, you don’t forget it.”

#6: 40% rule.

“Sadly, most of us give up when we’ve only given around 40 percent of our maximum effort. Even when we feel like we’ve reached our absolute limit, we still have 60 percent more to give!”

#7: Callous your mind.

“People take classes on self-help, mental toughness, breathing control – the only way to get tougher is to put yourself in hellacious situations…You have to build calluses on your brain just like how you build calluses on your hands.

I think back to my preparation for a half-marathon race five years ago. I would get up regularly at 4.30 am and be laced up and ready to run by 5am. Then after a 60-90-minute slog under hot and humid conditions would take an ice bath to help with the swelling of my knees.

By 8.30am I’d be at work to continue the rest of the day as normal, only with a big internal smile and a feeling as if I’ve conquered the world. The joy would last for the whole day.

Now, go suffer a little or at least enough to feel some discomfort.

Remember on the other side of pain and suffering is the treasure we are all seeking.

The Way of the Spiritual Warrior

“A warrior seeks to act rather than talk.” – Carlos Castaneda

I was unconsciously letting go of all the resentment, anger and judgement that I was holding inside of me. It was me saying to myself; though it’s true that I had messed up in many areas of my life, and that I was in no way living up to 40% of my potential, it was okay.

I was telling myself I was doing just fine. I was where I was supposed to be. I needed all those fifty-plus years to arrive at this moment of realisation. I was now ready to accept myself, my life, warts and all.

That day was a new starting point for me. A place where I could chart my progress henceforth. Now, all I had to do was compare myself, not to my previous self. Instead, to the ‘me’ after that particular Sunday.

On Sunday 14th of July, I had sat under my Bodhi tree for a few hours of reflection.

The sun was starting its descent, filling the sky with an orange-yellow light as a slight breeze brushed against me. The thin branches above my head started swaying, their leaves caressing my face, neck and shoulders. From afar, I could hear only the distant chirping sounds of birds. It was as if I was the only person alive in the whole world.

I was overcome by a powerful feeling of peace. A feeling that intensified when I sat there thinking of nothing at all. A clear image kept popping up in my mind. It would linger for a few seconds then go away.

Finally, I got up. I walked around to loosen my stiffened body. Within seconds, my mind was flushed with a clarity that I’d never sensed before. The image that kept forcing itself into my mind was that of a spiritual warrior. It wasn’t a man clad in black and wielding a samurai sword, but rather an image of me, where I looked strong, serene and wore a warrior’s smile.

I looked like a mixture of all the heroes who have inspired me; Rumi, Gibran, Hemingway and Alan watts. The words “spiritual warrior” didn’t come up but they were the first two words that jumped at me with the image.

Let me clarify, first, that the tree was not a Bodhi tree but rather a Palm tree, and secondly that this significant hour of my life came after many months of intense work on my ‘self.’ The work included many sessions with a psychotherapist, in-depth conversations with my close friends and family and much archaeological writing in the form of a memoir.

It took me a few days to discern what a spiritual warrior truly meant to me and what were the next steps that I should take. My priorities were now clear, and anything that didn’t fall into the path of becoming a spiritual warrior became irrelevant.

The first steps of becoming are:

“Don’t explain your philosophy. Embody it”-Epictetus

I would be a man in action who embodies his philosophy rather than one who espouses it. A man who will teach only when he has gone through the lessons. A man who is focused and disciplined in taking actionable steps towards self-mastery Instead of merely learning about them from the wise words of the many teachers.

Start Now

The reality is; how we will live in twenty years or the future time depends wholly on the habits, behaviour and values we take on today. Most of us won’t change a great deal after reaching maturity. So, waiting to retire when the kids leave to college or holding onto resentment of past regrets until we start working on ourselves is rather foolhardy.

If we don’t start now, the odds are we never will. Life is happening to us, with or without our permission. Perhaps I left it too late, or maybe I’m a late bloomer, but the point is I’ve started and as a great teacher once said, “the time is always now, and the place is always here.”

Only through pain can we gain inner peace.

I’ve always thought that when I achieve inner peace, the internal suffering that goes on in my mind would cease. The reality is not so. It’s rather the opposite.

Just like the Buddha said almost three thousand years ago, “the only way to enlightenment is first through suffering and then secondly in mastering the mind comes the cessation of suffering”.

The only way to master the mind is to live an examined life focusing on our inner life and not the outer one. In learning to control actions that are under our control and not worrying about the other actions that are not under our dominion.

This inner journey is the heart and soul of the spiritual warrior. It is arduous and fraught with much pain, suffering and frustration. It requires much patience and perseverance. It is in this journey where we shed layer after layer of the false self we have embodied over the years.

The three Ps (pain, patience and perseverance) I’ve hated all my life and tried to evade are unavoidable. There, simply, is no easy fix. More importantly, there is a far greater reward in doing it the long hard way.

I’m starting with my body.

The first place to start this journey is with my body. All my life, I’ve been much in tune with my surroundings, feelings and spirit through my body. It’s like through my body I can see more, feel more and be more.

When I eat poorly, it immediately affects my state of being. When I exercise hard or go for a long run, I’m transported to a place of rapture that is hard to explain in words.

However, I’ve never taken the step further than just a mere feeling here and there. I’ve always stopped short of the pain barrier, not allowing myself to transcend the pain and keep going. In 2013, I ran a half-marathon but stopped short of a full marathon because my knees gave way and I succumbed to an injury. Now, I feel it was more my mental attitude that stopped me rather than my weak knees.

For me, working on my body is not about creating a six-packed body, though that would be welcome. Instead, to use my body as a gateway to my enlightenment—a declaration to myself that I can reach the finish line.

What if I put in the long, painstaking hours to make my body a temple and refuge for my mind and spirit? What if my body becomes a mirror to my new way of being—my introduction to becoming a spiritual warrior.

This will be no mean feat at my age and after recovering from a double leg fracture in early 2018. To do so would mean to eat the right way, exercise heavily to gain more strength and energy, and to exercise smartly by including a stretching regimen that can protect my 51-year-old body from injury.

I will follow a strict low-carb eating plan, with no sugars, no fried stuff and no processed foods. I will up the ante when it comes to my workouts. My routine will include three weightlifting sessions, three high-intensity interval training sessions, and finally, three running or cycling sessions in between.

I’ve set myself a target that by the first day of January 2020, I will be at my fittest, most energetic and healthiest condition ever. This translates to dropping my weight by five kilos, having less than 12 per cent body fat, and running a 10km race in under sixty minutes.

After that Sunday, my journey as a spiritual warrior began. For me, the best place to start with my inner journey is by mastering the body. In doing so, I’m telling myself that I can be more than just 40% of my potential.

I’m taking action right now and willing to bear the pain to get there. Thus, ready to tread the path of mastering my mind. That knowing will automatically transfer into other areas of my life where I want to become more—my writing life and business. Only then, could I have a way of connecting to my spirit?

I invite you to join me on this journey. I will be sharing many posts over the next few months that will detail the further steps along the voyage of the spiritual warrior.