The 5 Ways Vulnerability Changed My Behaviour And Improved My Life

‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’-

Alfred Lord Tennyson

Featured on Elephant Journal and The Brazen Woman

I was giving a seminar on the power of the mind. In the end, I was asked if I was able to change my behaviour with the knowledge I had just imparted upon my students. I paused and gave a weak reply. The truth was I hadn’t changed much. This happened almost six years ago.

However, all that changed when I watched Brené Brown’s TED Talk The Power Of Vulnerability and when I read her book The Gifts of Imperfections. I instinctively knew that this was the missing piece in the puzzle.

Brené Brown defines vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is the core, the heart, the centre, of meaningful human experiences.” She continues to say that “Vulnerability isn’t good or bad: it’s not what we call a dark emotion, nor is it always a light, positive experience.”

At age eleven, my innocence was shattered due to a Coup d’état in Ghana. I had to leave my comfortable, sheltered life, my friends, my school, and my environment. I found myself in a new country, England, with few people like me, and few who liked me.

I quickly learned that, to fit into my new environment meant not to share any dark emotions like fear, shame, grief or disappointment. I had to show that I was tough, cool and almost perfect.

Simply put, I could not be vulnerable and I had to close my heart to protect myself. In doing so, I not only closed myself to the dark emotions but also to the lighter ones and I carried this way of being subconsciously well into my forties.

Until we break down those hardened walls that have been built inside our hearts for so long then we are not capable of being vulnerable enough to be able to change.

These are the five ways that becoming vulnerable transformed my life:

1. Emotions add a charge to thoughts resulting in Action

A thought without emotion is like a bird without its wings. It’s not going to get very far.

As I began to understand the power of vulnerability, I started delving deep into my core using journaling as a tool to dig deeper and deeper into my heart. I learned to access the full range of my emotions so that I could process both pain and joy.

I faced my deepest fears revisiting my past, questioning my beliefs. I got so emotionally fired up that I would regularly cry during my early morning runs. I didn’t know then that I was slowly breaking the impenetrable walls that I had built since my school days teardrop by teardrop.

I recognized that the power of the mind and willpower were sometimes not enough to effect lasting change. The emotions are the “why” of an action; they charge a thought, magnifying its impact substantially. Guilt and disgust at knowing what I needed to and yet not doing so triggered me into action.

2. I am capable of Love

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.”- Brené Brown

The more I faced my fears and shed the layers of emotions that were weighing heavily on my heart, the more I loved myself. We can only love others as much as we love ourselves, and so only in loving myself was I capable of receiving and giving love.

My relationships improved and I started trusting people much more. It was like a new world had opened up to me, one that was shut off for a long time. I understood that love is something that we nurture like everything else in life and it doesn’t just magically appear and disappear with a flick of the fingers.

3. I recognize Compassion

 “Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognise our shared humanity.”– Pema Chodron

I started to understand what compassion meant and to put myself in the shoes of others for the first time in my life. I was always so self-involved that it was difficult for me to fathom people’s actions and accept them for who they are. But with vulnerability, I accepted myself more and I now see people in a different light as if they were my brothers and sisters.

Three years ago, I started a foundation, Born to be free, where we look after fifty impoverished kids. We take care of their schooling, train them in soccer and teach them basic life lessons. We are giving them options that poverty has taken away from them. Their stories are heartbreaking and relating to them keeps me grounded and keeps me human.

4. I am much more Connected

“The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”- Brené Brown

In his book Social Intelligence: Daniel Goleman explores how the latest findings in biology and neuroscience confirm that we are hardwired for connection and that our relationships shape our biology as well as our experiences.

How can we connect to each other when we have erected barriers inside our hearts?

I now share and give much more of myself and my thoughts, through my talks, writings and most of all my actions.

Also I now accept from others, something, which proved difficult at first, as I wanted to do everything alone, and to feel superior about it. I wanted to feel like I didn’t need anyone.

However, energy has to travel both ways before we can call it true connection.

5. I now understand Shame

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging. Shame is basically the fear of being unlovable—it’s the total opposite of owning our story and feeling worthy.”- Brené Brown

The feeling of shame is universal and if not identified can lurk within us and control our actions and non-actions. Shame makes us feel unworthy and convinces us that we are incapable of doing anything. It grows in silence, secrecy and judgement often leading us to deception, lies and other destructive behaviours.

There is a difference between shame and guilt. Shame is about who we are. E.g., I am bad. Guilt is about our behaviour. E.g., My behaviour is bad.

Though guilt is a dark emotion, it could be used as a catalyst to initiate change in our behaviour. Shame is much more dangerous as it says we can do little but accept how bad we are and it pushes us into withdrawing, hiding, or instead trying to appease someone when we shouldn’t or worst of all by attacking others to hide our shame.

My art teacher scolded and embarrassed me in front of my classmates when I was thirteen years old and as a result of that I shut the door to my creativity for almost thirty years, ashamed of ever bring up the subject or even daring to enter into the realm of creativity, while convincing myself I was more of a science person. However I’ve now found my creativity through writing and it’s exactly the goodness that has been missing from my life for so long.

Vulnerability is not weakness but rather a path to opening our hearts. When we start to trust our hearts, all fears dissipate and we start accepting that we are imperfect beings living in a not so perfect world.

To live with our hearts open, carrying our wounds and scars with us is very scary but the alternative of not doing so is much scarier.

Vulnerability is the only way to live a full, courageous and authentic life. This is what being human is all about.

My Rules of Engagement

My Rules of Engagement
Photo Credit: Aaron Burden
My Liberty means:
  • Not infringing on my right to choose, from which country to live in, to which ice-cream flavor I like.
  • Not pushing me to second-guess my decisions, even though I wasn’t certain the first time round.
  • Not forcing me to justify my actions, over and over again.
My Freedom means:
  • Allowing me to make decisions that are right for my soul, even though they could be wrong for your EGO.
  • Recognizing not to compromise my values, interests, and principles.
  • Respecting my carefully drawn out boundaries.
  • Not impugning on my time, no matter how futile you think I spend it and no matter how little I give it.
My Intentions are:
  • I will be present and mindful rather than succumb to my thoughts.
  • I will enjoy what I’m doing and not focus only on achieving.
  • I will rather get challenged than be comfortable.
  • I will rather get engaged than oblivious.
  • I will use my imagination to create rather than become creatively impotent.
  • I will praise ten times to every one time I criticise.
  • I will not judge anyone but be willing to accept.
  • I will work towards Compassion rather than indifference.
  • I will follow my true path and not the path of others.
  • I will learn like a scavenger looking for learnings everywhere I can.
  • I will commit to growth as if it’s my sole intention for living.
  • I will serve mankind as if every single one is part of my family.
  • I will care for the environment as if it was the home I built with my own two hands.

5 Things I would Tell My 20-Year-Old Self

Published By ElephantJournal

“It takes a very long time to become young.”
― Pablo Picasso

I was going through an old picture album of mine and a picture caught my eye. I was 20, had a look that I was about to change the world, and yet I find myself at 47, struggling to change myself let alone the world.

I was overcome with nostalgia and some pangs of regret, as I wondered how I would have fared at 20, but with the mind and the experiences of my 47-year-old self. Would I have done things differently? Would I have been someone better and had achieved more?

I’m sure I wouldn’t have arrived at how I think today without the mileage and experiences of the last 27 years. Hindsight always makes the past look worthless and ignores the fact that you made choices with what you had and knew.

Logic and reason often discourage adventure and as such it would have prevented many of the rich experiences I had between 18-20. Would I have jumped off the cliff and into the Andaman Sea in Krabi, Thailand? Or stand up for a friend when attacked by a group of thugs and get badly beaten but ultimately feeling good as I was the only one who stood up while the rest ran away.

However, I’ve also discovered that several concepts when learned well at a young age, would add more to your artillery in facing the world as a 20-year old.

1)The earlier you “Know thyself”, the better

These two words are inscribed in the temple of Apollo at Delphi, almost three thousand years ago, and their wisdom still speaks loudly today.It’s essential to get to know your strengths, weaknesses and what you like doing. Do a strengths test, the Myers-Brigg personality test and ask your family and friends to guide you in knowing yourself.

It wasn’t until much later in my life that I did the Myers-Brigg personality test and found out I was an INTJ–an introverted thinker who needs a lot of time alone to be able to re-charge my batteries.

It was in complete contrast to how I was living, and it banished the thought that I was weird and different to others, and I finally understood why I craved solitude, even though I could be quite extroverted in small doses.

2) Challenge your comfort zone

Think of every successful person in any area and the chances are they all have one thing in common–from a young age, whether through circumstance or design, they had hunger and grit instilled in them, by continually pushing themselves out of their comfort zones.

Complacency creeps into our lives especially when we don’t challenge ourselves, and as we remain comfortable in our surroundings we feel at ease, and our performance becomes ordinary but never extraordinary.

Richard Branson’s mother left him to come back home alone; a thirty-minute walking distance, after a Sunday picnic, when he was only four years old.

At twenty, I wish I had run a marathon, climbed Kilimanjaro or taken a gap year exploring the world with only a backpack. These adventures would have certainly stretched my comfort zone and enriched me with wonderful experiences.

3)The Fear of missing out(FOMO) is nothing but an act of the mind.

FOMO is only a fear that the mind plays on you. As you get overwhelmed with a lot of choices, you can’t decide what’s right for you. However, when you become the only source of your self-worth, rather than pleasing others or being the cool dude, then your fears slowly disappear.

I spent a lot of my college days missing some lectures, not connecting with my family and not having enough time for myself, all because I didn’t want to miss out on what my friends were doing. I wanted so desperately to belong.

The reality is that when you miss one party, or you don’t like playing cards, but your friends do. You won’t miss much; you won’t lose yourself and your friends won’t suddenly dump you.

4)Find your creative self-expression

Find a creative pursuit that piques your interest, something that you are willing to spend enough time to be good at. It could be writing, painting, landscape photography, or surfing big waves, and make sure it becomes your own thing where time just simply passes by as you are “in the zone.”

Here, you would self-express and allow your inner self to come out and meet your outer world. It’s where all the stress of impending exam results, job interview replies and end of year business results fade away if only for a few minutes a day.

At the age of 40, I found writing and it’s that one thing that I’m willing to put in long hours so that I become good at it. I’ve pushed my comfort zone in joining groups, taking writing lessons, taking time off to write daily, all because my heart smiles when I share my inner self with the world.

5)Money doesn’t matter, but it also does.

It’s important that you understand and define your relationship with money. Money is important but only as a tool, and you must remember that it’s only a means to an end rather than the end itself.

Don’t make the reason you want to earn money so that you can get the yacht, the penthouse in New York or the Chanel bag. Rather the reason to make money should only be a measure of the success of your career or the business you’ve set up and want to grow. Money should be able to gauge where you are and how far you want to go.

Money can give you comfort, security, and make life fun but it will never give you satisfaction or infuse meaning into your daily life.

I learned this lesson the hard way as I faced a traumatic time in my life when within six months, my business was nearly bankrupt, and my nephew suffered a near fatal accident.And It wasn’t till then that I truly understood that life was not about money but all about self-growth and contributing to society and you don’t need money for either of these.

I wish I knew all these concepts when I was 20, as it would have accelerated my growth and given me more time to make a difference in this life.

And if these words don’t reach me in my next life as a 20-year-old, then I’m hoping it could at least reach one 20-year-old in this lifetime.

3 Ways to Infuse Presence into Productivity

moissapresence

Published by Elephant Journal

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives. What we do with this hour, and that one, is what we are doing.”-Annie Dillard

I’m sitting in the shade, facing the pool. The sky is cloudless, blue and the sun is scorching from hot.The warmth of the atmosphere coupled with a slight breeze that brushes my face and the back of my neck gives me the feeling of inner peace and contentment.

This feeling is one of almost perfection as suddenly the yellowness of the leaves, that are barely hanging from the tree, captivates me.I get lost in them, focusing on their deep colour, their shape, the different sizes and how they connect to the branches.I start imagining how they were a month ago and then what I see and had imagined blend as I lose myself in deep, focused thoughts.It feels like pure ecstasy.

This is being present in the moment. There is no rush to do something else or be somewhere else but just simply being in whatever the present moment provides. There is no portraying, striving or stressing. This moment is eternal, almost complete.

Then I catch a glimpse of my laptop; I remember that I’m supposed to write an article today. I have to write an article today.I have committed to posting once a week, and I have a few hours left before the day ends. And all of a sudden, all the ecstasy and joy encapsulated in that perfect moment dissipates from me and the sense of calm I had disappears. My shoulders tense up, my neck hardens, and I’m as stiff as the tree in front of me.

This is the challenge we face when presence meets productivity.Can we be both in life? Is it also possible to do both at the same time?

On the one hand, to be in the present is when we are most at peace and closest to our souls–the goal of living. But on the other hand, being present won’t pay the bills. And to live solely on our senses and to keep doing what feels good, or what feels comfortable very often leads to laziness, frustration, and disenchantment.

It’s rather being productive and taking action that can put food on the table and help us grow as human beings pushing us from being too soft, and directing us into having a more meaningful life.

However, when we are too productive and analytical, we are in danger of becoming too mechanical, joyless, and we get sucked into doing things just for the sake of doing them and so, do nothing meaningful that nourishes the soul.

We need to infuse presence into productivity so that we live a rich, happy life that also pushes us to grow. We need to find ways to cultivate practices that help us focus our presence on activities that we like, that are creative and that encourage us to express ourselves fully and as such connect to our souls and the rest of humanity.

“There is no shortage of good days. It is good lives that are hard to come by. A life of good days lived in the senses is not enough. The life of sensation is the life of greed; it requires more and more. The life of the spirit requires less and less; time is ample and its passage sweet.”-Annie Dillard

These are the three best ways to bring presence into productivity:

#1 Set systems and not goals

Let’s focus on creating a system where we do an activity regularly that will increase our state of contentment in the long run, regardless of the immediate results. Writing for a set time every day will ultimately lead to authoring a book, writing many articles, but this system won’t have the stress and pressure that a set goal would bring with it.

It’s true that we won’t know if the system works or not in the short run.And we won’t get the adrenaline rush of completing a goal, but at least, we are getting a predictable supply of happy moments and avoiding the disappointment of not achieving the goal.

For example, I enjoy writing, and whether it’s for my journal, blog or a published article, then it doesn’t matter as it’s the act of writing that I love and what gives me contentment. As opposed to the pressure and stress that setting a goal of writing an article a week would have on me without a daily writing routine to support me and especially when I find myself with a deadline looming with only a few hours left.

Setting a system allows us to become both present and productive as within the daily practice we get into the “flow”,and after so many hours tallied, there will be a substantial amount of work produced, and before we know it, we have so many articles ready. We are focusing on an action we can control, rather than some outcome in the future that we can’t.

#2 Take time and Focus on the details

We are always in a rush to finish things so that we go to our next task or next meeting, and we don’t give enough time to our tasks at hand or study the specific details that concern them. We don’t engage well and as such we can’t enjoy the activity at hand.

The more time and focus we spend on an activity, the better we become at it. And the better we become at it, the more joy we derive out of the practice, which then leads us back to spend more time on it.It’s like a recurring circle where focused time leads to loving it and then back to more focused time on it.

It’s also important to note that as we deepen our practice and get involved in the minutest of details, then we improve the quality of our work, and intensify the sense of meaning we derive from the practice.

#3 Avoid the distractions

The distractions are everywhere nowadays, from our phones, computers, and the myriad of sophisticated ways that marketers reach us. And to remain in the present requires us to protect our time as if our lives depended on it. And as such we need to be pro-active in reducing the distractions that come into our lives.

It’s important to do so as they take us away from being present, leaving us feeling frustrated, often disempowered preventing us from doing our planned practices, so we end up being neither productive nor being present.

When we do, set a regular system where we do become productive and at the same time find the presence of mind to be mindful of our time, and then we are indeed living a life of meaning and contentment.

Whether we are writing for three hours, presenting a new marketing concept idea that will rock our boss, or sitting in three-hour long traffic, then the current moment must always feel like the most important moment.

Pain And Not Happiness Leads To Meaning & Growth In Life

Pain And Not Happiness Leads To Meaning & Growth In Life

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.”
― Ernest Hemingway

Happiness is a dangerous idea. It’s as elusive as perfection. It lulls us into believing that life is always fun, full of smiles and slowly guides us towards comfort.

It doesn’t lead to growth, meaning or inner peace.

It compels us to compare our lives and our moments with others using only what we see from the outside. And what we usually see is only the happy moments.

Do we see anyone share a picture on social media when they have failed? Do we see anyone advertise his or her sadness? Rather it’s the smiles and the parties. It’s the achievements without the hard efforts that are shown.

What we always see is one side of the coin and for us to say we want to be happy is naive and simplistic. And if we are not careful, and our only goal is to be happy, and then we may find ourselves empty and lost.

It’s rather more truthful to pursue a life that is full of meaning, growth and wholeness.

And it’s rather pain and discomfort that leads us to change, growth and ultimately to more meaning. It’s the pain that pushes us into getting out of our comfort zones so that we can venture out and try new experiences or ways that we daren’t do before.

I’m not saying that we should walk around depressed, sad and feeling sorry for ourselves. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be happy.

I’m saying we shouldn’t raise our hopes so high as to expect only happiness in life, and when the first setback hits us, we become paralyzed and unable to fight back.

We need to understand that pain, setbacks and sadness are inevitable in our lives, and we need to be realistic enough to accept them as part of our journey.

And pain is not just any part but an important one, as it becomes this great teacher that we learn from rather than simply something we need to endure.

Also, I’m saying that we need pain as much as we need happiness in our lives and if we can get a good balance of both then that will ultimately lead to a more satisfying life that is full of meaningful experiences.

We need happiness to celebrate our growth and our wins.

We need happiness to keep us optimistic and engaged in life.

However, instead of saying we want to be happy, let’s say we want to be whole and are committed to embracing every aspect of our being, and that will include both happiness and pain.

“Isn’t the beauty of life that it’s like a titillating movie,
that comes with scenes of painful tears and happy smiles.
And only when we dig deeper into the crevasses of our pain
we clear the mounds of anguish blocking the path to our joy.

As we come face to face with the darkness, we are forced
to be with it, to befriend it and to know everything about it.
It is only then that we can clearly see a tiny glow of light,
a ray of hope that leads to how bright our light can shine.

Lo and behold! Those who suppress and evade the pain,
as they turn their backs on the valuable lessons that come with it.
They missed their chance to feel it and let it go when it was small,
as it will come back stronger and much bigger in form.

Life is not all about the smiles and tears that arrive by chance,
But rather by living with a freedom that allows your soul to dance.”

 

Instead of having a goal for the pursuit of happiness, then rather let’s have one for the happiness of pursuit. Because it’s in the pursuit that you become whole.

It’s in the means that you get to an end. It’s the process that matters in life and not the actual goal.I’m saying I would rather live a life that makes me grow even if sadness is etched in my heart, rather than a life where I cease to grow, and I’m simply happy.

I’m saying I would rather live with an open heart marked with wounds than one that is closed and has no wounds at all.

I’m saying I want to be someone who is more than just happy in life.

“I’d rather die on my feet, than live on my knees.”
-Emiliano Zapata

3 Ways To Let Go of Perfection

3 Ways To Let Go of Perfection
Photo Credit: Luis Llerena

“Le mieux est l’ennemi du bien. (The perfect is the enemy of the good.)”-Voltaire

As Published by Elephant Journal

Almost forty minutes had passed, and I was still staring at a blank screen. And six months have sped by since I set that intention to write a book and still not a single page has come out. I’ve been trying to write my first book for a while now and every time I sit down to start, I get overwhelmed and think I’m not good enough.

I start comparing myself with all the other writers out there. It seems the day I decided to take up writing seriously; many people have done likewise and brought out their first books. The line that I’ve been selling myself is that if I’m to write a book then it needs to be perfect. It has to be the exact reflection of all the dreams I’ve had when I envisioned myself as a writer.

Do I think I’m Hemingway’s prodigal son or Steinbeck’s long lost disciple? No, the reality is that I’m using perfectionism as a way to hide behind my fears and insecurities. Since I was thirteen, I’ve had to fend for myself and put up shields to protect myself from failing. To fail was not only a sin but very often it lead to me feeling ashamed.

I saw vulnerability as weakness and perfection as strength, so I narrowed my scope and tried to be perfect in certain things while shutting many other doors to my growth and wholeness. I used Perfectionism to avoid criticism, rejection and failure, and it served me well at that time.

It helped me survive a new, different environment that was imposed on me when I left the warm comforts of the country I grew up in at an early age. However, I learnt only to float in my new surroundings and never allowed myself to soar. I became the ultimate big fish in the little pond.

“Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center, of meaningful human experiences.”-Brene Brown

After Studying Brene Brown’s ground-breaking work on Vulnerability, I came to understand many myths about Perfectionism:

  • Perfectionism is not self-improvement, but it rather stifles the greatness within you.
  • Vulnerability and not imperfection is the opposite of perfectionism.
  • Perfectionism is trying to earn approval and acceptance, whereas vulnerability is putting yourself out there.
  •  Perfectionism is self-destructive as there is no such thing as perfect. Perfection is an unattainable goal.
  • Perfectionism is addictive as when we invariably do experience shame, judgment, and blame, we often believe it’s because we weren’t perfect enough.

Over the years I’ve changed a lot, dared greatly and have become more vulnerable, connecting with many people and not afraid to put myself out there.

However, perfection(or procrastination) remains a weakness, and when I’m taking on something big, I return to my thirteen-year-old thinking.

I’ve found three ways to overcome it:

1.Taking Action

“Action is the Language of God.”-Unknown

Procrastination and overthinking very often gets us stuck, and we end up going in circles. Planning is good, but it won’t get you anywhere unless you take that first step. Action can kill perfectionism immediately as you can turn a bad draft into a good one, but you can’t turn no draft into a good one.

It’s important to make your first steps small so that you can get wins under your belt that will then propel you to complete the goal you wanted to achieve.

For example, I will set myself up for action by establishing a small goal, to write one hundred words on a topic that’s currently interesting me. Before I know it, I’m in action and hundred words turn into a thousand plus.

2.Self-Compassion

“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”-CHRISTOPHER K. GERMER

Rather than ignore our pain or start criticizing ourselves, we need to be understanding with ourselves when we fail, suffer or feel unworthy. We must remind ourselves that this suffering is something that happens to everyone and not just “me” alone.

Most successful people feel inadequate when they fail and yet they see it for what it is, a passing phase and an opportunity to correct their mistakes. They very often cut themselves some slack rather than criticize themselves.

3.Surrender and Letting go of the fruits of our actions

Letting go is often easier said done but when we truly start practicing this principle, then we find ourselves enjoying the ride and not just the destination. We often allow numbers, results and opinions of others to dictate the goals we set and how we are going to achieve them.

I fell into this trap when training for a marathon and would wear a watch that measured my pace, speed and distance. I kept looking at the watch every few minutes while running and then analyzed the results when I was finished. I completely forgot why I started running–the feeling of freedom and connection to the outdoors.

Needless to say, all the planning and my attachment to results invited more stress and tension and soon afterwards I got injured and had to stop my training. Contrast this with when I took up running and ran a half marathon without any planning. I was just simply running and enjoying it, and only set a general intention of running four times a week.

Perfection is something we must avoid if we are to live an engaging life. It paralyzes us, and we find ourselves afraid to make any move. We get comfortable with our surroundings and use the excuse of “when it’s perfect I’ll put out my work” to suppress the greatness that we can offer the world.

This idea of perfection is a myth, and the simple truth is that we are meant to be whole and not perfect. This includes both the joy of successes and the pain of failures. And the only way we learn and grow is through both differing experiences.

All great people have one thing in common; they are consistent in their actions producing work after work. They produce their work despite the same insecurities that we have. They know that out of many attempts, one will turn out to be great.

They have tossed this idea of perfectionism into the garbage, where it rightly belongs.

Wayne Dyer’s Quote

wayne dyer
Photo Credit: Whipps Photography

Wayne Dyer was speaking at an “I Can Do It” Conference when he brought out an orange and asked a bright twelve-year-old, what was inside the orange. The boy insisted it could only be orange juice and not apple or grapefruit juice. When pushed to explain why, the boy said: “Well, it’s an orange, and that’s what’s inside.”

Wayne Dyer nodded and said:

“Let’s assume that this orange isn’t an orange, but it’s you. And someone squeezes you, puts pressure on you, says something you don’t like, offends you. And out of you comes anger, hatred, bitterness, fear. Why? The answer, as our young friend has told us, is because that’s what’s inside.”

And he went on to say that:

“It’s one of the great lessons of life. What comes out when life squeezes you? When someone hurts or offends you? If anger, pain and fear come out of you, it’s because that’s what’s inside. It doesn’t matter who does the squeezing — your mother, your brother, your children, your boss, the government. If someone says something about you that you don’t like, what comes out of you is what’s inside. And what’s inside is up to you, it’s your choice.”

“When someone puts the pressure on you and out of you comes anything other than love, it’s because that’s what you’ve allowed to be inside. Once you take away all those negative things you don’t want in your life and replace them with love, you’ll find yourself living a highly functioning life.”

As I watched his talk, I reflected on myself and saw that not everything that’s inside me is as pure as I want it to be. When I overreact and insult a taxi driver, who ignores all kinds of driving rules and cuts me off. It’s the frustration bottled up in me that’s coming out and not what the taxi driver did. Also, when I belittle someone for making a mistake then it’s all the fears inside of me which I haven’t addressed that are coming out.

Most of our negative reactions are not about the people who irritate us but more about what is troubling us from the core.

Whenever we overreact, then it’s an opportunity for us to step back and ask ourselves what’s really inside of us? What have we allowed to get inside of us and what can we do to remove all the negative things that we don’t want in our life and replace them with love?

As Rumi said, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

Six Ways to Help Inspire Change in People

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference-Reinhold Niebuhr

Can we change people? How can we help our loved ones to adopt a good habit and drop a bad one?

I struggle with those questions every time I take on a new habit or learn a new lesson, which proves invaluable in my life. I want to share it or impose it into the lives of my loved ones.

For example, I’ve been meditating for almost two years now and even though I’ve promoted it passionately and expressed what it has brought to my life.I haven’t been able to inspire many to take on meditation.

change

Change is a word that has been overburdened with so many expectations that many of us just switch off when the word change is mentioned. I understand that some people are hungry for change and would readily accept motivation and inspiration more than others.

Also, it’s about the right timing for some of us to admit that we need to change something in our life. I recall ignoring the promptings of my father when I was in university to read more about spirituality and to ask the big questions of life. It wasn’t till I hit thirty that I seriously started to read about Philosophy, Religion, and Spirituality and opened my eyes to a new world unbeknownst to me.

“A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.”—Muhammad Ali

We can’t press a button and change people, no matter how much we love them. And very often people don’t want to be changed as the comforts of no change always outweigh the work needed to commit to change.

The best we can hope is to try inspiring them to become aware of having to change. And for that change to happen and persist, then they have to be emotionally aroused by the impending change.

They must feel some apprehension, even fear, and unrelenting anxiety—strong emotional reactions that act as catalysts to increase their motivation and commitment.

Here are six ways for us to help inspire change in people:

1. Be the example

“Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”- Mahatma Gandhi

When we practice what we preach and consistently do what we have championed others to do, then it sends a message to whoever is around you that your words are authentic. You are telling people,that you truly believe in what you are saying and it’s working in your life.

E.g. Recently I watched Tony Robbins in one of his events, and the whole theme was about how we can energize our lives and unleash the power within. He kept six thousand people engaged, aroused and able to have fun for four consecutive days-His energy was mesmerizing.

2. Be compassionate

When trying to help, we should focus on listening with compassion rather than being overbearing with our words. We can rouse their awareness by asking clever, introspective questions like “What are the Pros and Cons for you to change or not change?” “If this change was easy, would you want to make it? What makes it hard?” Those questions create a safe environment for them to explore motivations and examine their need to change or not change.

However, be prepared to accept that people will not immediately follow your advice and implement changes into their life. But at least you have given them another way to look at things and were real enough to do it yourself.

3. Change is not easy

We need to remind ourselves that change is difficult and to look back at the number of times we ignored the good advice because we felt it wasn’t for us or that it made no sense whatsoever. We need to guide them so they can see the self-defeating stories they have been telling themselves for so long so as to justify not changing.

We can share our experiences to allow them to see that change is an opportunity to grow with amazing things waiting to happen rather than some unwanted burden.

4. Change can be easy, rewarding and normal

We need to show them that change can be easy and not so overwhelming when we take “baby steps” to make small incremental changes in our lives. The key to change is to be patient and not expect instant results. This whole process must be fun and not seen as a strict ritual.

The rewards must be clear for them to see so that they monitor their progress regularly, and most importantly they must feel that results will ensue.

To change the way they behave, most people need to see that the change they are embarking on is something normal and that most people, especially those they admire would want to act this way.

E.g. Several years ago my daughter was struggling with Math and I made an effort to practice with her for thirty minutes every other day, learning something small every time and making it fun. Over the months that passed I charted her improvement and regularly showed it to her. Since that time she has changed the way she approached math and is now doing very well.

5.Create an environment

Create an environment that supports and encourages the change you are championing. For example, if it’s a healthy life you are advocating then put up posters of the nutritious food, and remove all chocolates, candy, and similar foods from the house.

Share your inspirations and goals with them, and send books, articles and movies that share your passion for that habit. Do this in a friendly manner and have no attachment or reaction to them not taking up the habit.

E.g. I talk about being healthy around my family, run regularly and have my gym in the house, which I use frequently. My kids have grown up watching me do this and have also taken up exercising as a regular habit to feel good and be healthy.

6) Use setbacks to initiate change

Setbacks and the gloom that follows is the best time to advocate change. The ego has been temporarily defeated, and we are now willing to change the way we view our ways. Failures are blessings in disguise even though we never see it like that at the time. The anguish brought on becomes an emotional trigger that helps us clearly see our wrong actions and allows us to accept change readily.

E.g. One of my running buddies recently injured his calf and couldn’t run for a few months, and so lost the opportunity to run a race we agreed to do. He would never listen to my advice on stretching and to take up Pilates as a practice to complement running. Now after the injury he has started regular stretching and wants to take up Pilates.

We can help inspire change in people when we express our words compassionately and skillfully to make them feel that if they do change their behaviour then it really would make a difference in their lives.
We also need to show them that we have no expectations that they would want to change or even can change.

The Power of Simplifying Your Life

Lately, I have this urge to simplify my life and lessen the burden of decisions that bombard me every day. As soon as we open our eyes we need to start making decisions. Choose what to wear in the morning, what food to eat during the day, and which route to choose to work and on and on we face those decisions daily.

We then have to pay for all the different bills we have for a hundred different services that we hardly use. Then there are the ten credit cards we have and three bank accounts we own.

Sometimes, it gets a bit too much especially in this day and age where information hits us fast bringing with it a vast array of options. These choices quickly overwhelm us becoming burdens rather than luxuries. We start stressing over making decisions, and our shoulders tense up and anxiety follows soon after.

simplify

Every decision we make takes so much energy out of us, no matter how small that decision is. As days, months and years pass, all these small decisions add up and somehow drain our energy resources-lessening the power within us.

If we listen closely to our hearts, there is an inherent urge in us to simplify our lives. Fewer decisions mean less energy spent. And so instead of more, we should choose less. But this does not mean having less but paradoxically more because we would be able to focus, engage and enjoy those fewer things much more.

The more things we buy to improve our mood, and then the quicker we get bored with them and the deeper we fall into the abyss of nothingness.

And the more we get rid of anything that’s unnecessary, and then the better we feel. As all that extra becomes clutter, that is wasteful, and that stands in the way of our inner peace and happiness. And by removing the unnecessary, we make room for what is essential, and give ourselves more focus.

What is essential for most of us differs considerably and as such simplifying our lives is something that is personal and very much subjective.

I still don’t know all the parts of my life that needs simplifying or how to do so without affecting people who rely on me but I feel this whisper from my heart and this tug on my soul that I need to simplify to be to able enjoy the rest of my life.

         Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication-Leonardo Da Vinci

I presume the main areas to look at would be:

#Money
My dream is to have only one account with one debit card that shows me every month what comes in and what goes out. And all I want is that the in column be a bit more than the out so that I can live peacefully and comfortable enjoying the sights and sounds of our world

#Possessions
I suspect I’m tiring of having clothes that I don’t use, books that I’m not planning to read, and furniture that block my path. And that luxury car that stereotypes me rather than the one that serves me. The more I walk,city and weather permitting, the more I feel closer to my soul.

#Property
I see myself surrounded by more green than concrete and more outdoor space than indoor space. I would rather listen to the wind and the birds than the air conditioning and the television.

#What I do during the day
I see myself leading a simple life where I wake up fresh when the sun sets and start my day with movement(running/yoga) and end it with reading and sleeping early. And in between I would write/blog/speak, socialize with friends and family and drink some espresso.

I would also spend a lot of time alone and in a state of wonder about nature and regularly satisfy my curiosity about life.

I would gladly leave my corporate life behind for all of that simplicity.

#Technology
I would find a way to use technology; specifically instant messaging, social media and the internet rather that letting it run/ruin my life. What if I could set only an hour or two per day for it?

Is being busier for the sake of being busy something that serves us in our lives.

Isn’t small always more beautiful and within our grasp, always allowing us to focus more and have more meaning in our lives.

The true journey is the inward one and the more we remove the clutter and noise that surrounds us then the more we can truly allow our souls to lead the way to greatness.

The spiritual warrior chooses less(outside) and gains more(Inside).

Don’t Judge

Don't Judge
Photo credit: Sudhanshu Hebbar

Sometimes we judge people too harshly because doing so from our perspective makes others look stupid and weak while at the same time that judgment makes us feel so much more superior. However, when we do judge people, we are defining our limitations and ourselves. We are showing no empathy for their plight, or a listening to their stories.

And the more you judge, the more you close the door to love, as love and can’t co-exist with judgment.

We all sin differently, we all have skeletons in our closet, and we all have different journeys to embark upon. And who decides what is right and what is wrong.

 

I know I’m not saying something new here. And I know I’m not saying something that is easy to do, but what I’m trying to state is that we should have this knowing inside of us as an ideal to aim for.

I dislike it, when people leave you with an impression, that you need to be like Mother Theresa, or a Buddhist Monk to be able to practice non-judgement and goodness in this world.

Sometimes people are going the wrong way, opposite to the direction of their soul, and we watch them, pity them and probably judge them. I’m not saying that you can switch that thought immediately. We will continue to judge them but at least start by understanding them and try to be an inspiration to them so that they could walk towards their rightful path.

There are different levels of judgement as some would bully or impose their opinions on others when judging them. Others would watch and smirk quietly to themselves validating their good behavior and so feel superior. Others would say they are not judging but would switch their thoughts away from those judged and claim not to judge and just discard their existence saying they don’t fit into their lives so why bother ourselves.

The reality is we are all judging all the time, and if anyone looks at my life with all my skeletons, then I’m sure he can judge me all day and all night.

However, what I’m saying is that I would like anyone who judges me to understand me. And if they believe they can make me understand where I’m going wrong then make an effort to do so instead of just sending me away into that “trash bin” of wasted thoughts.