Why Anxiety, Frustration and Anger Are Triggers to Delve into Our Darker Side

Why Anxiety, Frustration and Anger Are Triggers to Delve into Our Darker Side

After 18 hours of flying, comprising a few hours layover in New York, all the while wearing our face masks, we arrived at our beautiful hotel in Savannah, Georgia. We met a stern-looking hotel receptionist. “Sorry. We have no bellboy service due to the COVID restrictions. So you’ll have to carry your own bags to your rooms,” she replied curtly to my enquiry about the whereabouts of their porters.

Almost everyone in Savannah, including most of the staff, was not wearing masks. So, where exactly were the COVID restrictions?

Jet lagged and fuming at the thought of carrying six bags up to the fifth floor (why six bags, you may ask. That would take a whole blog post on its own), I snapped at my wife. I screamed at my son to hurry up and help me with the bags.

A week later, I was waiting in a queue for an espresso at Starbucks Reserve Roastery, their high-end brand, marketed as having the best coffee in the states.

“Do you want it cold or hot,” the server asked.

What? How can an espresso be served cold?

Shaking my head. “Hot.”

Why Anxiety, Frustration and Anger Are Triggers to Delve into Our Darker Sides
Cesar Couto on Unsplash

The coffee arrived after seven minutes and it was neither cold nor hot but lukewarm. I took a sip, shook my head again and threw the cup in the trash can. I was incensed from the inside. I went outside and it was hot. Stifling hot. Now, I was raging from the outside too.

I walked towards Washington square, hoping to glimpse chess masters plying their trade. Unfortunately, there was no one to be seen. I continued my walk towards Union square and to the Strand bookstore. Books have always been a haven for me.

I arrived at the bookshop. With a mask on, faulty air-conditioning and my monkey-mind everywhere, I just couldn’t enjoy browsing all the books on offer. I walked out in despair and headed back to the hotel.

My irritable behavior, frustration and anger continued throughout our break. I won’t list every time I got angry or fretful. I felt everyone — from Uber drivers to waiters to receptionists — had a personal agenda against me. Well, that was what my monkey mind was telling me then.

A week later, I returned to the comforts of home. I questioned my behavior as always through my journaling. This was supposed to be a fun trip to celebrate my daughter’s graduation from university combined with a short holiday in New York City which was recently open after COVID.

Why did it turn out to be a personal nightmare for me? Why had all my old demons come back to haunt me?

My impulsive reactions were quicker than my reasoning mind. Perhaps, my family didn’t feel the gravity of my inner turmoil as I’ve become rather skilled at hiding my feelings. Or maybe they were too scared to say anything.

I know most people (like me rereading this) might dwell on the triviality of my angst. However, come to think of it, my problems during the trip were carrying bags up to a room, getting served bad coffee or sweating during the day. Then again, as we all know, the turmoil in our heads is not because of the actual event but instead how we respond to events, no matter how huge or trivial they are.

That’s why my acting out troubled me deeply after all the work I had done. I felt I had not only let myself down but my family too.

I’m always anxious before any travel. Nevertheless, when you combine the additional requirements needed post-COVID, the added responsibility for the family, leaving work at a sensitive time with many worries on my mind, you can start to see that I wasn’t at my best.

The truth is that there was nothing wrong with Savannah, or New York or the heat or anyone there (though I’m not sure about American coffee). I’d lost my internal control. I saw the animal in me come out but couldn’t do anything about it.

I knew that many people were stuck in their homes and couldn’t go on a holiday. I also knew that many more people couldn’t see their children graduate in the flesh but on zoom.

I acted like a big baby. My issues were not only privileged. There also were hints of inner entitlement I thought I’d left behind in my teens. I wasn’t in control of my reactions. My amygdala had been hijacked. I was stuck in fight/flight/freeze mode, where fighting became my default setting.

Yes, I had managed to control my outer reactions quite reasonably but it was my inner madness that needed more reflection and explanation.

So why then?

  1.  Letting Go

“By letting it go, it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try, the world is beyond the winning.” ~ Lao Tzu

Living fearlessly and authentically is about letting go and allowing life to lead us through. Letting go does not mean being lazy and settling for mediocre results. Instead, it means we give our best in whatever we pursue but don’t get attached to the results of our efforts.

We forsake the concept of perfection, as it doesn’t exist, become vulnerable, put ourselves out there, and trust that the universe will support our intentions.

2.  Embracing Uncertainty

“The quality of your life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty you can comfortably deal with.” ~ Tony Robbins.

Fear of uncertainty strikes deep into our psyche. Probably, the biggest thief of happiness out there today is the weight of wanting things to happen in a certain way. We try to impose certainty on everything we do, and with that come many expectations.

These expectations paralyze us. They don’t allow us to be present or fully alive. We get stuck in regret about the past and fear about the future. Instead of fixating on certainty, we must embrace uncertainty.

When I travelled with my family, I put on added pressure and responsibility on myself. When my son got bored, I quickly felt as if I had let him down. And when my daughter was anxious for her graduation ceremony and party afterwards, I got even more worried.

I wanted everything to be perfect for them during our holiday. So I got myself into ‘total control’ mode, and everything had to be certain.

I didn’t trust anyone or anything. Every minor incident that didn’t go according to my plan became a personal affront. Even the silliest issues like queuing up or being served bad coffee, metamorphosed into huge fight/flight/freeze events in my mind telling me I needed to react.

And what made everything worse was I’d quickly regret my outbursts and the shame of feeling like an imposter. I was supposed to have overcome my anxiety and frustration after years of working on myself.

Most things never go to plan, and that’s okay.

I’m on a path to becoming a better person. I am not the finished article yet. I must keep reminding myself of that fact.

My best moments from the trip were when we did things without planning, thinking, and no control. Like the day, we had nothing planned, and I let go for a few hours allowing my son to plan a boating trip on Tybee Island in Savannah.

Anger, frustration and anxiety are usually telling us something about ourselves. No matter how hard we try to control anxiety, it will still show up unannounced, ready to paralyse us. We can’t stop it, but we can manage it.

Each person’s anxiety is unique and, as such, we must each find our way of managing it. I believe we should all use our anxiety to question our psychology rather than accepting it as the end result.

Let’s embrace our anxiety as a trigger—a tool to dig deep into our psyche and address the cause of our emotional pain.

 

5 Ways To Overcome Overwhelm And Use It as Our Emotional Indicator

 

Photocredit: Chris Sardegna

“close some doors today. not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because they lead you nowhere”― Paulo Coelho

As Published by Elephant Journal

I couldn’t take it anymore. My inner voice was screaming as my outer self was holding it back. It was like a dam waiting to burst. I went into my office, locked my door and took a few deep breaths. I tried to meditate but just couldn’t. I completely broke down and started crying.

I knew I had reached my limit; my cup was full, and there was nothing I could do about this sense of overwhelm I was feeling. None of my habit strategies could work, as I had used up every ounce of discipline that was in me.

It had been a hectic few months as I was juggling so many things in my life. From fighting grief after the loss of my mother, trying to save a foundation that I had set up a few years ago, and watching my company struggle in the worst macroeconomic conditions I’ve ever experienced.

And if that wasn’t enough, I took on several other challenges such as preparing to run a marathon, hosting a large speaking event and attempting to write a book.

I had fallen back into my old ways, where I would do one million things rather than face the pain. I would take on many projects so that I wouldn’t have time to reflect and think about my difficulties.

Fortunately, I’m much more aware than I used to be, and I now listen very carefully to my body. The first signs came when I pulled my calf muscle and couldn’t train anymore and had to sit out running for a month and as such missed the marathon date.

The final sign was my breakdown at the office. I left work and drove to a nearby spot that overlooked the sea and stared at the greenish blue waters for what seemed like an eternity.

We all go through times when we get overwhelmed. As in my case where I wanted to close off my heart for fear of getting hurt, so I put on a shield and took on task after task.

Other times, we are afraid of missing out and say yes to everything that comes our way, forgetting that a day consists of only 24 hours.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”
― E.E. Cummings

Overwhelm leads to frustration, and that leads to stress, which in turn leads to health problems (headaches, muscle aches, high blood pressure, heart disease). It also starts us towards destructive behavior (overeating, drugs, etc.), which can cause full-blown depression.

These are 5 ways that you can overcome overwhelm and stop it manifesting into something much worse than mere frustration:

1. Awareness

The first step is to be aware that we are in “overwhelm” mode, and this is usually easier said done particularly when we are in the thick of things.

However everyone develops certain signs when they know they are heading into an overwhelming high alert mode. I feel them as soon as my breathing becomes wayward and when my frustrated thoughts won’t go away during my meditation practice.

2. Step back

After awareness, we need to take a step back, take a break and rejuvenate ourselves while we re-evaluate where we are in the grand scheme of things. I usually take an afternoon off work and go to the beach (I’m lucky as it’s only 20 minutes away) or just listen to music/watch a movie for an afternoon.

3. Does what we’re doing seem right for our vision?

Now look at the projects, or tasks that we’ve taken on and ask why are we doing them. Do these move us towards our vision? Why should I spend time and energy on projects like writing a book, or running a marathon when it’s not part of my personal vision? We need to be careful not to do things for the sake of filling our bucket lists.

Ernest Hemingway said: “All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.” He meant that there was no need to add many flowery words to your sentence. And don’t be afraid of removing a sentence that you love if it doesn’t add real value to your final piece.

4.Think small and slow things down

Life is a marathon and not a race so whatever you have in your hand, think of it as a long-term project rather than something you have to finish within a week. This way of thinking has helped me so much as I’ve slowed things down where I now think of 5-7 years per goal and plan my goals as if I’ll live till I’m a hundred years old.

I’ve also set a maximum of doing three major tasks/activities a day, and I’ll start with task one till I finish it before I move on to the next one and so on. I’ve found this number to be my right balance.

5.Detachment of results

We often place a heavy burden on ourselves by setting high expectations on projects/goals we take on. I do believe that measurable goals are important to track our progress, but we must let go of the need for results. As we let go of that need and just focus on the process, then the results will work themselves out and surprise us.

I’ve started using time sessions per task instead of tracking results.
E.g., I will write for an hour every other day, rather than saying I’ll write three articles a week. I will exercise 45 minutes for four days a week, rather than stressing on how many miles I will run, or what muscles I’ll work today.

“By letting it go, it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try the world is beyond the winning.”
-Lao-Tzu

We need to treat this feeling of overwhelm as if it’s our emotional indicator that tells us to take a step back, slow down and ask ourselves again what matters most to us.
It’s a gift from the universe like an internal thermostat, and all we have to do is remove all the fear surrounding us and adhere to it.
And the best thing is that, no matter how bad yesterday was, every morning is a new beginning and an opportunity to live without overwhelm and stress.

The Gifts Of Adversity

Adversity
Photo Credit: Pinterest

Featured on Rebelle Society

All the adversity I’ve had in my life, all my troubles and obstacles, have strengthened me… You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

– Walt Disney

When adversity hits us, we start to ask questions. The harder it hits us, the deeper our questions become.

Sometimes, those questions end up being unexpected gifts that take us where we need to go next — where our souls demand we go. We tend to run away from these difficult questions. Our thinking is based on our fight or flight mode that is deep-rooted in our reptilian brain and questions that confront our way of life disturbs that part of our psyches.

Let’s not kid ourselves here — the shit has hit the fan. The business I own is struggling big time. For the first time in its twenty-year existence, it’s breaking new unwanted records: dropping in revenue, gross margins, and, ultimately, how much cash enters my pockets.

Strange questions popped into my mind as I sat down with my family at the end of the day for dinner, watching them chatting and laughing — happily immersed in a sense of joy and abundance that was evaporating for me.

Can we still afford these great places we travel to? Can we even afford the University Tuition coming up for my son?

After awhile, I began sleeping badly, with more new questions on my mind– questions I’d never needed to worry about before.

The deeper, more difficult ones-the ones that sting.

Why didn’t I save for a rainy day like that son of a bitch I mocked regularly? Why did I squander so much on things that didn’t serve me? Why did I keep this pretense of satisfaction through materialism for so long?

And the biggest question of all- why is this happening now? When I thought I had overcome the survival level of Maslow’s “hierarchy of needs,” and was on the path of self-actualization?

Is this a necessary detour?

I sat with those questions. I meditated on them. I ran with them. I reflected on them so much I resembled a robot for months.

Then one morning I had this great a-ha moment.

Adversity is a gift from the Universe.

It is a gift, but only when you see it as a hurdle to be overcome, rather than a block.

It is a gift if you see it as point where the universe is pushing you to change your road map.

We live our lives just like a rocket going to the moon. It is off course about 95% of the time – and it gets there only because of constant, tiny re-adjustments along the way.

The Gifts of Adversity are those things that seem like detours, but which turn out to be tiny re-adjustments that help guide us to our destination.

They start of as little hints, and then become stronger messages, and if you continue to ignore them, they finally hit you hard as adversities.

That small car accident was saying something. You ignored it.

Your amazing partner leaves you. You ignored it.

Then the shocking news that you have cancer, and finally you take notice — and yet, amazingly, you may still not do anything.

We are enslaved by our ego, which has paralyzed us with fears, self-pity and resentment.

We already know that our old ways of living are not serving our new ways of being.

We know that this fight with our ego is not a battle but an all out war where we have no chance without summoning our higher self.

In times like these, I have learned to summon my higher self by:

A) Processing Feelings

I understand that sometimes I need to feel pain. I know that I need to fully experience these difficult experiences.

I need to make tough decisions, look people in the eye, and compassionately say “I’m really sorry, but the business can’t afford you anymore.”

I need to tell my kids that we can’t afford the holiday trips, even if all their friends are going.

We need to go through the motions and be with our pain.

B) Be Vulnerable

I accept that I messed up, and I hold my imperfections with love and compassion.

I understand that my acts were wrong but know that does not mean I was bad.

I understand that no one is perfect, and that I did the best I could with what I knew.

I do not allow my self-esteem to fall, for in this universe, I am perfect.

I open up, cry to those who have earned the right to hear my stories and tell them about my shame, knowing that I can only heal when I bring the dark emotions out in the open.

We must understand that by being vulnerable not only heals us but allows new possibilities which we never knew existed.

 C) Remove certainty and expectations

Probably the biggest thief of happiness out there today is the weight of wanting things in a certain way.

Before these difficulties, I tried to impose certainty on everything I did, and with that sense of certainty came many expectations. These expectations paralyzed me, and did not allow me to be present and fully alive. I was stuck in the regrets of the past, and the fears of the future.

I had forgotten the excitement of uncertainty, like the uncertainty that comes with a first kiss, the thrill of a new business venture, or simply staying up all night doing absolutely nothing of worth.

Instead of focusing on certainty, today we must embrace the uncertainty.

D) Meaning

I realize now that i need to live consciously and be very aware in everything I am doing, from the way I treat my body, to the way I connect with people.

I need to have a meaning, a purpose and some big intentions on how and what I want to create with my life. So I consistently challenge myself, with more new questions:

What keeps me in the highest vibration all the time?

Is my business really what I want to do now?

Are the relationships I have serving my real truth?

What are my unique gifts? What am I here to do? How can I serve humanity?

Without adversity, it’s easy to avoid those big questions, even when our body and energy levels have been whispering them for months. The universe is telling us blatantly that we have had our fun, and now its time for the real work.

E) Be creative

The adversity of the past few months has also been an opportunity for me, to acknowledge that creativity has been missing from my life for a long time.

By silencing the ego and developing our connection with the right side of the brain, the creativity will flow — and creativity, along with self-expression, is one of our basic needs. Just as love and belonging are.

F) Have faith

Now that I have listened to my heart and can see new possibilities emerging for myself, I must have faith in them and the belief that the universe is on my side.

There will be naysayers, certainly. I know that I need to follow my new intentions till the end, and allow my higher self to guide me even when I can’t see clearly.

Our faith will be tested, and just when we think all is well and we start resting on our laurels, the Universe will test us again. But our faith must not waiver.

As I look back at this curveball of an adversity that was thrown at me, I feel excited, and worried, but this time I’m all in to play.