What Comes Out When Life Squeezes You

Wayne Dyer was speaking at an “I Can Do It” Conference when he brought out an orange and asked a bright twelve-year-old what was inside it. The boy insisted it could only be orange juice, not apple or grapefruit juice. When pushed to explain why, the boy said: “Well, it’s an orange, and that’s what’s inside.” Wayne Dyer nodded and then looked at the audience to ask if it was you. “What comes out when life squeezes you? When someone hurts or offends you? If anger, pain and fear come out of you, it’s because that’s what’s inside. It doesn’t matter who does the squeezing — your mother, your brother, your children, your boss, the government. If someone says something about you that you don’t like, what comes out of you is what’s inside. And what’s inside is up to you. It’s your choice.” Reflecting on myself, I saw that not everything that’s inside me is as pure as I want it to be. When I went mad at the taxi in front of me, who was driving as slow as ten mph, it was only because of the pent-up frustration within me. I often feel that I’ve been living in a country and a place that’s just too comfortable for me. I need more novelty, urgency, and aliveness in my life. The taxi driving slowly is just a metaphor for how I live my life. I end up screaming at the driver, overtaking him and speeding away. Fast-forward a few months, driving on that same road, I see that same taxi in front of me. Now, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Or when I belittle someone at my company for making an honest mistake, then it’s all about the fears inside of me. The stakes are high, and I know that one mistake could mean we can’t pay salaries or our suppliers come the month's end. I have a hard time facing uncertainty. I need to learn to accept that not everything will be under my control. Also, to remember that the company has survived far worse times than now. Most of our negative reactions are not about the people who irritate us but more about what is troubling us from the core. Dyer continued: “When someone puts the pressure on you and out of you comes anything other than love, it’s because that’s what you’ve allowed to be inside. Once you take away all those negative things you don’t want in your life and replace them with love, you’ll find yourself living a highly functioning life.” Whenever we overreact, then it’s an opportunity for us to step back and ask ourselves what’s really inside of us. What have we allowed to get inside of us, and what can we do to remove all the negative things we don’t want in our lives and replace them with love?
Wayne Dyer was speaking at an “I Can Do It” Conference when he brought out an orange and asked a bright twelve-year-old what was inside it. The boy insisted it could only be orange juice, not apple or grapefruit juice. When pushed to explain why, the boy said: “Well, it’s an orange, and that’s what’s inside.” Wayne Dyer nodded and then looked at the audience to ask if it was you. “What comes out when life squeezes you? When someone hurts or offends you? If anger, pain and fear come out of you, it’s because that’s what’s inside. It doesn’t matter who does the squeezing — your mother, your brother, your children, your boss, the government. If someone says something about you that you don’t like, what comes out of you is what’s inside. And what’s inside is up to you. It’s your choice.” Reflecting on myself, I saw that not everything that’s inside me is as pure as I want it to be. When I went mad at the taxi in front of me, who was driving as slow as ten mph, it was only because of the pent-up frustration within me. I often feel that I’ve been living in a country and a place that’s just too comfortable for me. I need more novelty, urgency, and aliveness in my life. The taxi driving slowly is just a metaphor for how I live my life. I end up screaming at the driver, overtaking him and speeding away. Fast-forward a few months, driving on that same road, I see that same taxi in front of me. Now, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Or when I belittle someone at my company for making an honest mistake, then it’s all about the fears inside of me. The stakes are high, and I know that one mistake could mean we can’t pay salaries or our suppliers come the month's end. I have a hard time facing uncertainty. I need to learn to accept that not everything will be under my control. Also, to remember that the company has survived far worse times than now. Most of our negative reactions are not about the people who irritate us but more about what is troubling us from the core. Dyer continued: “When someone puts the pressure on you and out of you comes anything other than love, it’s because that’s what you’ve allowed to be inside. Once you take away all those negative things you don’t want in your life and replace them with love, you’ll find yourself living a highly functioning life.” Whenever we overreact, then it’s an opportunity for us to step back and ask ourselves what’s really inside of us. What have we allowed to get inside of us, and what can we do to remove all the negative things we don’t want in our lives and replace them with love?
Source: Substack

Wayne Dyer was speaking at an “I Can Do It” Conference when he brought out an orange and asked a bright twelve-year-old what was inside it. The boy insisted it could only be orange juice, not apple or grapefruit juice. When pushed to explain why, the boy said: “Well, it’s an orange, and that’s what’s inside.”

Wayne Dyer nodded and then looked at the audience to ask if it was you.

“What comes out when life squeezes you? When someone hurts or offends you? If anger, pain and fear come out of you, it’s because that’s what’s inside. It doesn’t matter who does the squeezing — your mother, your brother, your children, your boss, the government. If someone says something about you that you don’t like, what comes out of you is what’s inside. And what’s inside is up to you. It’s your choice.”

Reflecting on myself, I saw that not everything that’s inside me is as pure as I want it to be.

When I went mad at the taxi in front of me, who was driving as slow as ten mph, it was only because of the pent-up frustration within me. I often feel that I’ve been living in a country and a place that’s just too comfortable for me. I need more novelty, urgency, and aliveness in my life.

The taxi driving slowly is just a metaphor for how I live my life. I end up screaming at the driver, overtaking him and speeding away. Fast-forward a few months, driving on that same road, I see that same taxi in front of me. Now, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

Or when I belittle someone at my company for making an honest mistake, then it’s all about the fears inside of me. The stakes are high, and I know that one mistake could mean we can’t pay salaries or our suppliers come the month’s end. I have a hard time facing uncertainty. I need to learn to accept that not everything will be under my control. Also, to remember that the company has survived far worse times than now.

Most of our negative reactions are not about the people who irritate us but more about what is troubling us from the core.

Dyer continued:

“When someone puts the pressure on you and out of you comes anything other than love, it’s because that’s what you’ve allowed to be inside. Once you take away all those negative things you don’t want in your life and replace them with love, you’ll find yourself living a highly functioning life.”

Whenever we overreact, then it’s an opportunity for us to step back and ask ourselves what’s really inside of us. What have we allowed to get inside of us, and what can we do to remove all the negative things we don’t want in our lives and replace them with love?

The Journey to an Extraordinary Life Begins With the Ordinary

journey

journeyLife’s not a race. It’s a journey to savor and enjoy. Ambition–the relentless desire for more–can eat you up.” – Russ Roberts.

I see the beautiful sun disappearing into the horizon, and a sinking feeling overcomes me. There’s a lot that I’ve got to do on my mini-break in Lebanon.

Two days into my break, I already feel overwhelmed and anxious. I’ve yet to do anything towards a long list of things to accomplish.

Here, I was away from work and its pressures, staying in a villa with help around me and secluded from the outer world—the kind of break I’d prescribe for myself if I were coaching me.

I was here to be with my elderly father and, in my many free hours, to focus on Midlife Bliss—my blog/platform to help myself and others find more meaning in midlife.

And yet, I was carrying that same stressful feeling of disquiet when I was not on a break. When I’m running in full pelt to run my business, be with family and friends, fulfil social obligations, and work on Midlife Bliss.

This restlessness that I feel is almost always a mixture of overwhelm and anxiety, further tampered with guilt when I don’t do that task.

Why do I carry this feeling everywhere I go?

Perhaps my expectations are always too high, a cause for misery. But the crux is that I’m a ‘doing’ machine and only feel satisfied when I achieve objectives. I get immense satisfaction when I tick off tasks done. I’m always aiming for Inbox Zero.

I find it hard to sit with pending or unfinished. I crave ‘done’ and certainty, which feeds into an overarching narrative that I’m not enough if I don’t do stuff.

The uncomfortable truth is that I’m never satisfied with the ordinary and always chase the extraordinary.

I know I’m not alone in feeling this way. We’ve all become obsessed with wanting greatness. TV, the Internet and Social Media have exacerbated this social phenomenon in our lives today.

However, the problem is not that we want extraordinary but instead how we have narrowed the definition of extraordinary to a materialistic context. It’s all about doing stuff that often doesn’t match our interests or values.

Why would someone climb Everest if it isn’t their passion, only to put it on their CV and show the world? Or those toiling to get a PhD to have Dr before their names. And many think they’ve found the secret to well-being as they’ve accumulated many cars, watches and homes.

We keep telling ourselves and our children that we must be extraordinary but define it by results only; we’ve created this vast cognitive dissonance where we always feel worthless.

Since repositioning my blog as ‘Midlife Bliss’ a month ago, I have gained several hundred subscribers, which is good. But, I wanted more as I compared myself with other better-known writers on Substack who’ve been playing the game for many years.

In chasing ‘Batman’ status without realistic expectations of how much work and time it would take, I’d also taken the beautiful ordinariness of my life for granted.

The sun slowly rose before me when I was writing this essay while a slight breeze stroked my face and neck. It was an extraordinary few moments. I could feel my soul dance with delight.

And yet, I’d quickly forgotten it until it happened again the next day when I was editing. I took a few moments and a few cigar puffs to savour this time.

“It occurred to me that if I were a ghost, this ambiance was what I’d miss most: the ordinary, day-to-day bustle of the living. Ghosts long, I’m sure, for the stupidest, most unremarkable things.”—Banana Yoshimoto

I realise that my days are filled with ordinary moments that make my day extraordinary. Things like drinking an expresso lungo in the early morning while journalling and listening to Max Richter’s wonderful tunes. Reading Tolstoy and/or his Russian friends. Having deep and vulnerable conversations with friends after a few glasses of ‘Malbec’ Red wine.

Also, the times when I laugh when watching Friends with my kids or banter with my padle partners, especially if I win. Or when I’m in stitches at Sassy when she starts going cat crazy. Then, there’s the joy of walking while listening to an inspirational podcast. The list goes on and on.

Let’s be clear here: I’m not suggesting we chase mediocrity.

Instead, I’m saying that we have defined extraordinary incorrectly, and our actions to become extraordinary are nothing but ways to compete and compare with others. It is simply a way of keeping up with the Jones.

We are leaving our true essence behind in chasing ways to be extraordinary. We are not ‘feeling or being’ our way through the world. We are just doing, doing and doing, trying to escape our experiences instead of respecting them.

However, embracing our normal everyday things makes us lighter, happier, more creative, and more productive. And when we couple that with doing what we truly love for a few hours a day consistently, then extraordinary results will arrive.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I want to live an extraordinary life by filling my day with ordinary moments.

I will run my business for profit but make the customer central to the business strategy while making our employees happier, even if it means less revenue.

I will build ‘Midlife Bliss’ slowly, looking for the right people who want to engage. I will connect with like-minded people I’m discovering on Substack and other places. Writers like Diamond-Michael Scott, Kevin KaiserJamie Millard whose words have impacted me.

I want to be healthy, injury-free and athletic for a 55-year-old and avoid striving for a six-pack and being controlled by it.

Perhaps I won’t have as much fame, popularity, power and money when I follow the ordinary path, but I will be less anxious and feel less overwhelmed or guilty and instead feel more blissful, like a bird freed from a cage ready to fly over oceans and mountain peaks.

In following the path of the ordinary, I know how extraordinary I will become.

“Contemplating Life’s Purpose: The Annual Birthday Existential Crisis”

My palms were sweaty. My mind jumped around from one thought to another. I tried to read but could only get through a couple of pages. I was getting frustrated, and it was still only 6 a.m.

The early morning is when I’m at my serenest, surrounded by the sound of birds, my books and my journal. Yet, I couldn’t remove that feeling of butterflies in my stomach.

birthday

It was Tuesday, the 22nd of August, and I had just turned 55. (Nearly three weeks ago)

Instead of celebrating birthdays, it has become a custom for me to question myself, my achievements and my purpose. It’s not how one should honour birthdays, but my body does it without warning.

What then compounds my misery is the guilt I carry around. Why am I unhappy on this particular day, unlike D, who just threw a fantastic party over the weekend? (And was so happy during the party)

I felt a breeze through the open windows and saw the trees swaying. It was drizzling ever so lightly. I got out of the chair and was soon walking under the rain.

As always, my soul talks to me when I walk, helping me understand what’s happening within me. My birthday had heightened the significance of my struggles. I’m always searching for the big questions and rarely satisfied with the answers. Purpose is something that is always at the front of my thinking.

As the rain gained strength, my thoughts also quickened to match the pace of the droplets falling from the sky.

“Why isn’t it enough,” asked Kevin Garvey in episode nine of season one of The Leftovers.1An American supernatural drama television series created by Damon Lindelof and Tom Perrotta that aired in 2014.

Kevin was struggling with why he was unhappy despite living what looked like a perfect life from the outside. He had a wonderful family around him and was the respected police chief of his small town.

His father then tells him he’s not alone in thinking this way. “Every man rebels against that idea that this is fucking it.”

Then, as the rain turned into a downpour, I started to run back home, and my thoughts turned to another Kevin. This time, Kevin Kaiser from

and his post on Purpose.

There are two purposes: the ‘out there’ one, which approximately equates to the rat race, and the chase for better and more. (success, prestige and achievements.) The other more noble purpose he calls the ‘now and here’ is that we are our purpose. We are here to get to know ourselves more deeply.

That deeply resonated with me. I equated the idea with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs—a five-tier model of human needs.

From the bottom of the order upwards, the needs are physiological (food and clothing), safety (job security), love and belonging needs (friendship), esteem, and self-actualisation. Needs lower down in the hierarchy must be satisfied before individuals can attend to higher ideals.

We are our purpose. We are here to become more aware and grow in consciousness.

It’s been years since I attended my first ever ‘Personal Growth’ event. I went there searching for an elusive blueprint that would change the trajectory of my life—I went there to find my life’s purpose.

I can’t say I’ve found why I’m alive or actively live on purpose, but I am closer to knowing what I enjoy doing. I have also grown in self-awareness and better understand what I need to do to improve myself and the environment around me.

Therefore, my struggle with finding my purpose all these years is not a problem with me per se. Instead, the issue lies with how society has loaded the concept of purpose so heavily that it can be scary and have far too many contradictory ideas.

Adults start asking kids what they want to be when they grow up as soon as they enter school. Likewise, kids feel pressured to clarify what career they want to spend the rest of their lives in as soon as they graduate from college.

We want purpose to be this magical mission that God has whispered in our ears. It’s like we must all have destinies to be fulfilled. But that thought alone is so heavy that it paralyses us and makes us go in circles for years.

We all have an inner desire to improve ourselves and the World, which is the precursor to our never-ending search for purpose.

True, our ego is usually at play. It demands that we do something, become something, and save the World like a superhero. Perhaps if we stopped asking ourselves and others what’s our purpose and instead asked:

“What can I do that makes me useful and necessary to both myself and my community?”

When the weight of the word purpose is lifted, it becomes easier to have a conversation with ourselves to find out how best we can walk on the path of our goal.

Sometimes, personal growth is seen as a luxury, and the only thing that should matter is making money and putting food on the table. That can’t be further from the truth.

The more we grow in self-awareness throughout the World, the richer our whole World will be. When we lack direction and don’t feel useful and necessary, we don’t know what’s important to us and haven’t clarified the values that propel us into action.

People think purpose means that we must embark on fantastic quests like climbing Everest, making a Billion dollars, or helping eradicate hunger in a remote 3rd world village. The reality is not so.

We exist to know and be ourselves—our true selves. Not the one designed by parents, teachers and society.

Pursuing and accomplishing those big, hairy, audacious goals can take you to a deep uncovering of the self. But the fear is we lose ourselves in the chase and see them as the end, not the means.

The end goal must be that ‘we’ are the purpose. That we have delved deep enough into our psyches to appreciate that we are enough. That we are all somehow connected. And, in appreciating ourselves, those around us, and the World— we finally discover and become our purpose.

  • 1
    An American supernatural drama television series created by Damon Lindelof and Tom Perrotta that aired in 2014.

Embracing Discomfort: A TEDx Journey to Growth and Transformation

embrassing_discomfort

embrassing_discomfort

“Most people today rarely step outside their comfort zones. We are living progressively sheltered, sterile, temperature-controlled, overfed, underchallenged, safety-netted lives. And it’s limiting the degree to which we experience our “one wild and precious life.”—Michael Easter (The Comfort Crisis)

Faced with the bright lights and eyes of the crowd staring at me, I panicked. Everything went into a blur for a few seconds until I remembered to breathe again for a few more seconds.

Then, as I started to get into my rhythm, the screen showing my presentation slides went blank. Then, the timer screen to my right, which acted like a guide so I could pace my talk, also went blank.

It was 2015; I spoke at TEDx Accra and was way out of my comfort zone.

My heart still quivers today as I recall that memory.

I was used to speaking in front of people, but this was a whole new ball game. The title of the talk was “Rich, Successful, and Strong—Yet Empty.” It was personal, and I would bare my soul before everyone.

I would admit to family, friends, and strangers that I’d been following the wrong values (mine and theirs) for most of my adult life. I would explain my new self-awareness and what was behind the recent tears and laughter that were now apparent within me.

The stakes had never been higher for me. I was in the ‘Uncomfortable Zone,’ one that either makes you or breaks you.

Today, we live in unprecedented times. We have never been more comfortable, sanitised or domesticated. In most of the world, our worries are no longer about our survival: Food, shelter and safety. We are instead preoccupied with higher levels of Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs: Love, belonging and self-esteem.

We do anything and everything to run away from facing discomfort—we binge on alcohol, drugs, video games or sex. We have become masters of deception, seeking distraction to numb ourselves from suffering and failure. (Even though that is the only way we grow.)

We don’t want to be seen as fools or losers—We are tough, ‘cool’ and happy; we keep telling the world through Instagram and TikTok. We crave hacks, instant gratification and the easy path for everything.

Worse, we don’t even want to listen or hear about other’s discomfort, so we have become compassionless. We use social media to connect and maintain superficial relationships instead of listening and sitting with each other’s pain.

What happened to face-to-face relationships? Or even facing ourselves? We fear what we may discover when we get uncomfortable and the painful steps we need to take when we become accountable.

However, when we ignore our pain and seek the easy path, we cut ourselves from our authenticity—our best selves of living with more purpose and meaning.

We collect repressed emotions that somehow spread poison into our every cell.

Life is not an edited video to be enjoyed. Instead, it’s a mix of emotions—joy and pain, success and struggle, and comfort and discomfort—that must be expressed and experienced.

It’s the discomfort and pain that helps us grow to live a richer and more meaningful life. The famous writer C.S. Lewis said, “Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”

As the TedX day grew nearer, my sleep got more erratic. I would remind myself every morning that I had decided on it, was committed to it, and would give it my best. I practised my talk as if my life depended on it. I repeated it five or six times. I made my family listen to me practice, and then I went to work and forced my employees to hear me out as well. The more I practised, the less fear I held.

On the big day, many things went disastrously wrong. My talk was delayed for two hours because the technical team were disorganised. The stage lighting and the cameras had not been set up correctly. But I didn’t let any of that get to me.

Twenty minutes before the talk, I used what I’d learned at the UPW event to put myself in a positive state, reminding myself of the Robbins quote: “Where our focus goes, our energy flows.” I breathed in through my nose and out through my clenched mouth for ten minutes. I then listened to music and recited an affirmation that I’d explicitly prepared for the talk. Yes, it was cheesy, but it worked.

After my initial stage fright, I took another deep breath and told myself I would do this and that the worst had passed. All my preparations kicked in, and I spoke without needing the slides or the timer.

Today, with total clarity, getting out of my comfort zone on that day helped me in no uncertain ways to become not only a better speaker but a better human. In pushing myself to greater heights, I upped my game. I became more confident and willing to risk more for richer experiences.

We have all gone through pain and come out stronger for it. But perhaps you still need to name and recognise that event as the launchpad to living a more uncomfortable but rewarding life.

The facing of discomfort has become part of my life’s philosophy.

To live a more blissful life, we must all make it so.

Why Our Emotions Will Win Over Reason Most Times. And What to Do About It.

A month ago, I wanted to get a few items from Amazon. Before I knew it, I’d spent two hours and several hundred dollars on things that I didn’t need.

A few weeks ago, I received an email from an angry subscriber who went on to insult my ideas, writing style and wanted to know why I’d been sending him my newsletter. Before I could stop myself, I’d fired back an unsavoury email telling him what I thought of his attack and proof of him subscribing voluntarily.

A few days ago, I got stressed at work, like really stressed. So I found myself parked in front of Blanche’s cake shop, buying a few slices of her cheese pound cake. Before I knew it, I’d devoured it in seconds.

How many times have we found ourselves in these situations? We know what we are doing is wrong and not right for us, but we continue to do it anyway.

We lack the self-control to stop ourselves. Also, what makes it worse is that we feel guilty for acting weakly and judge ourselves harshly.

I knew I shouldn’t have binged on the cake. I knew I shouldn’t reply to an angry email or fritter away my money on things that were not needed.

And yet I succumbed to all my desires and felt terrible afterwards.

We all like to believe that our rational mind is in control. But the reality is that it is not.

Reason often comes out second best to our emotional triggers. These ingrained and hidden feelings are more powerful than we think, like dormant volcanoes waiting to erupt.

The Elephant and the Rider.

Jonathan David Haidt is a world-renowned social psychologist. He found that gut feelings(like disgust in his experiment) influence our reason much more than the other way around for his dissertation. He would later come up with the now-famous analogy of the Elephant and the Rider.

The Elephant, for Haidt, is the mind’s many automatic, involuntary processes(emotional triggers); the Rider is the mind’s controlled, voluntary processes(rational).

He didn’t choose a horse as riders mostly can handle a horse. However, an elephant is intelligent but hard to control, especially when it wants to act in a way that the Rider disagrees with.

Most of the time, the Elephant is obedient, but if something triggers it, there is no way anyone can control it.

The Elephant in Haidt’s example is our brain’s limbic system, which controls our emotions. Its mission for us is to survive, produce offspring and win in the natural selection game. Nothing else matters to it. That’s why competition, prestige and our basic needs are wired into our emotions as desires.

Our emotional brains are ancient. But they help us survive and ride through our evolutionary journey. In contrast, the rational brain is the newer one preoccupied with logic, reason, imagination, creativity etc.—All the ingredients for the good life.

To live a life of contentment (as I keep professing) is not high on the Elephant’s priority list. So when it comes to direct competition between the emotional mind to preserve survival or the rational mind to pursue happiness. Emotions win nearly every time.

Haidt writes, “we continue to strive, all the while doing things that help us win at the game of life. Always wanting more than we have, we run and run and run, like hamsters on a wheel.”

Little wonder that many of us are stuck on the ‘hedonic treadmill,’ chasing our desires when our emotions are invoked.

So what can we do to overcome the Elephant’s emotional desires?

A) Recognise that it is always the journey that matters and not the destination. 

We are goal-setting machines, and without knowing it, we quickly replace an achieved goal with another to satiate the Elephant’s hunger for instant gratification.

However, the rider has the ability to think strategically, plan and think beyond the moment. So when we align both the Elephant and Rider then we can create a long-term plan with milestones in between to celebrate.

“Here’s the trick with reinforcement: it works best when it comes seconds—not minutes or hours—after the behavior,” writes Haidt. The elephant “feels pleasure whenever it takes a step in the right direction.”

Looking back at the half-marathon I ran in 2014; it wasn’t when I crossed the finish line that I felt this sudden onset of contentment. Instead, I felt only a brief moment of excitement.

Still, it was the same kind of excitement I felt during different stages of my training;

the first 10k I finished, the long Sunday runs, the ice baths afterwards and the buzz of completing my weekly training schedule.

b) Create an environment for the Elephant where both its needs and that of the Rider are more closely aligned

Haidt says, “Life is about training and educating the elephant and the rider and getting them to work together in harmony.”

The environment we need to create should include the below ingredients:

  • We should have adequate health and income. In other words, we do not have to worry about whether to die or starve. That way, we don’t find ourselves in stressful situations where our sympathetic nervous system is triggered.
  • We must strive to have some semblance of control over our lives and not be at the mercy of other people and others’ circumstances. Reflection and planning ahead go a long way to ensure that that happens.
  • We must build a trusting social environment around ourselves where friends and family support us. Many studies have already proved that connection with people is the foundation of human well-being.

We can overcome our emotional obstacles when we finally accept that we can’t always control the Elephant in us and instead create the right environment for the Elephant not to act out.

What emotional triggers do you struggle with, and how could you remove them from your life?

I’m starting with the obvious. I’m avoiding the cake shop.

4 Fears That Hold Us Back from Commitment

4 Fears that hold us back from committing to anything

Some nights back, I started browsing Netflix to find something to watch. The choices were endless. I scrolled title after title, watched several trailers yet I was nowhere close to settling on anything after thirty minutes.

A few nights later, my son insisted on choosing a movie, reminding me of what I did only a few nights back. The film was “The Trial of the Chicago 7”, and after an initial period of discontent, I got into the movie and thoroughly enjoyed it.

A few weeks ago, I wrote about our constant state of restlessness. However, I felt I needed to delve even deeper this time around as it seems that I’m not alone with my affliction. It is as if we are all suffering collectively from something akin to attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. This is not to trivialize what many people living with ADHD go through, but some of the symptoms are similar.

4 Fears that hold us back from committing to anything
Russell Ferrer on Unsplash

We hop from one movie trailer or book review to another without settling on one to watch or read. We jump from one project to another without giving it our all, claiming that we work best under pressure.

Worst of all, we keep our distance from relationships and are not entirely vulnerable. Instead, we pick and choose when and with who we want to be vulnerable depending on the right circumstances.

We’ve become masters of indecisiveness, scrolling through feeds to pick and choose. On Amazon, it’s books or general shopping. On Spotify, it’s music. On Tinder, it’s people of interest. On Netflix, it’s movies.

On Facebook/Instagram, we scan what our friends and social acquaintances are doing, often confusing them with each other. They are not the same. Shouldn’t we know what our true friends are doing before they post on social media? We have fooled ourselves into believing that just by knowing what our friends are doing (afterwards) means we’ve connected.

These days the choices we have are endless. We are all afraid to commit to anything or anyone. It’s as if we will miss out on the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Paradoxically, we still reserve the greatest respect (and rightly so) for those people who have committed to the path of mastery. Those who are focused on one thing and have managed to become great at staying devoted to that endeavor over the years.

Whether it is Jeff Bezos’s incredible rise to the top with Amazon, LeBron James winning with different basketball teams or Stephen King’s ability to churn out bestseller after bestseller. We are all fascinated by the lives of successful people who keep performing at a consistently high level.

We revere their focus, intensity, creativity and commitment.

But why are we becoming more hesitant and non-committal by the day?

Simply put, it is fear.

1. Regret

We are fearful of regretting the time, energy and effort we would put into something and someone only to find out that it was not what we wanted. If we don’t even take that first step, how would we know it’s not right?. Trying and getting it wrong is always better than standing still in paralysis.

2. FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out

We are afraid of missing out. Never content with committing to one thing thoroughly. We want to have the cake and eat it. We think that the grass is greener on the other side. Sometimes it is, but most of the time, it is what we make of the situation.

3. Fitting in

We are so afraid to have our identity challenged or our reputation damaged that we sit on the wall on many issues. Let’s say we commit to the concept of monogamy. Immediately, we get told by many, whether on social media or not, that we are dinosaurs not keeping up with modern times.

If we say we don’t like Yoga, then we are labelled as superficial and not spiritual. It’s so easy to be compartmentalized by others as if those criticizing know any more about life. It’s as we’ve returned to living through high school life, where our only concern was to be hip and to fit in.

4. Being Afraid of the Difficult Things

True, our worlds have become full of distractions, whether it’s the phone, social media or the internet. Perhaps, a good question to ask is why do allow ourselves to get distracted. We can all easily switch off phones and the internet and focus on the job at hand.

We have become so comfortable, civilized and afraid of getting our feet dirty.

We want to get side-tracked because it’s hard to commit. It requires focus, intensity and discipline to remain committed to doing good work—the work we so admire by our heroes. We are always looking for relief from the emotional unpleasantness of doing hard work.

We chase the distractions.

The Tech Giants (Apple, Amazon, Twitter, Google, Facebook) figured that out already and just made it easy for us to run away when things got more challenging.

The actual reason why we don’t commit is that we are afraid.

And when we look at all the above fears, it’s clear that as we’ve become more comfortable, we don’t want to face discomfort, pain or struggle, even if it means not choosing or committing to the things or people we care about.

It took me a couple of days to read John Grisham’s latest thriller. At the time, it was a welcome relief. However, I can’t recall much about the book or any insight it gave me.

Conversely, when I read Tolstoy’s The Death of Ivan Illich, a literary classic, it changed my life. Yes, it was a hard read in the beginning but I became a different person when I finished it.

Commit. Choose. Dive in. Yes, it is not easy at first but the pot of Gold does appear at the end of the rainbow.

I’m Human and I Make Mistakes

I’m Human and I Make Mistakes
PHOTO: Ben White on Unplash

Featured on Elephant Journal

A few weeks ago, I wrote that I had just started to learn how to do Yoga. However, hardly a month into my practice, I have stopped. The pain in my neck, knees, and right foot have become unbearable.

Though Yoga strengthened my meditation practice and my spiritual connection, I can’t but feel that I’ve failed. There I was starting something new, getting all excited, and telling the whole world about it. Then just as quickly, I stopped what I had just proclaimed to be my next ‘new’ thing.

I felt like a loser. I was afraid to admit to myself and the world that I’ve stopped Yoga. My ego was telling me that I couldn’t do so as that would mean admitting defeat. Yet, my true self wanted to be honest and explain why I had decided to stop my Yogic path.

I am someone who keeps trying new things. Sometimes they work and sometimes they do not. I am also human and one who errs regularly. And after much reflection, I got to the crux of my mental conflict. In that, it’s okay to fail. It’s okay to make mistakes. It’s okay when things don’t work out.

Today, we live in an age where the “American Dream” mentality pushes us to succeed at all cost. We have all grown up on a diet of winning, pushing harder, and not accepting when we fail.

This mentality comes at a price. We are always anxious and full of expectations. Everyone is under so much pressure to achieve, win, and become successful.

The worst part is that success is often not defined by our own reasoning. Instead, according to what our upbringing, society, and the media have informed us. How many people have reached the top of ladders that were leaning on the wrong walls?

Silicon Valley is leading the way to make us perfect and immortal. So much money is being spent in biotechnology to make us live longer with less pain. That notwithstanding, I feel they are missing the point. I don’t want to live longer as a lifeless robot.

Social media bombards us daily with perfection. We only see 6-packed bodies, shining red Ferraris, Villas overlooking oceans, and far-away destination packaged in 7-star hotels.

This idea of perfection is a myth, and the simple truth is that we are meant to be whole and not perfect. This includes both the joy of successes and the pain of failures. And the only way we learn and grow is through both differing experiences.

Buddha’s first noble truth states unequivocally that life contains inevitable, unavoidable suffering. It’s okay to have flaws and go through pain. Only when we accept this truth about us would our suffering become more bearable.

In Abrahamic religions, God commands mankind not to eat the forbidden fruit from the Garden of Eden. Nevertheless, Adam and Eve went on to eat the fruit from the tree of knowledge. Mankind is exiled. Thus we became human with an imperfect nature.

Life is imperfect. When we fail and suffer, it only means it’s human to feel so. We shouldn’t get embarrassed or feel humiliated. We need to accept that we are flawed. As such we lower our expectations and recognise that we all make mistakes.

Life becomes easier. We become more content with life. Rather than flip when the train is late, we accept that sometimes trains will be delayed. When our colleagues mess up, we understand instead of criticizing them.

Why is it that when we meet someone new, we are always trying to impress through our status, power, and flawlessness. Contrary to this, what gains us friendships, breaks boundaries and wins us enduring loyalty and safety is when we reveal our vulnerability.

No one wants to hear how great your life. Instead, a connection is made when there is an acknowledgement of pain. When we share something, we are ashamed of, regret, and fear, only then do we connect.

Vulnerability is not a weakness. Rather, it is a path to opening our hearts. When we start to trust our hearts, all fears dissipate, and we start accepting that we are imperfect beings living in a not so perfect world.

To live with our hearts open, carrying our wounds and scars with us is very scary, but the alternative of not doing so is much more terrifying.

Vulnerability is the only way to live a full, courageous, and authentic life. This is what being human is all about.

Yes, I have stopped my Yoga practice only a month after starting. Perhaps I gave up too quickly, or I wasn’t ready yet as I’m enjoying other activities like pilates, running, and strength training. Or maybe I just rode the bandwagon of Yoga’s popularity.

Why I stopped is not as crucial as admitting that I stopped and that it was okay to do so.

Why Acceptance needs to be Our Only Purpose in Life

Mohamed Nohassi/Unsplash

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change—Carl Rogers.

Acceptance is not an easy concept to understand. It is also one, which is saddled with many negative undertones. As Carl Jung said, “the most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”

However, the wiser I’ve become, the more I recognise that our only true goal in life is to accept ourselves fully.

Nothing else matters.

Not making money. Not becoming famous. Not reading every book in the world.

Not even saving the world.

Only when we reach the point of completely accepting ourselves warts and all, that we become fulfilled in our lives.

True acceptance starts with self-acceptance. Only when we accept ourselves can we be ready to accept others. The opposite of acceptance is judgment. When we stop judging ourselves and start accepting who we truly are, can we then rid ourselves of the worst aspects of human suffering—judging, comparing, resisting, grasping and striving.

Acceptance is loving ourselves unconditionally and resisting the perils of striving for perfection. In accepting and loving our own humanness, we start to do likewise with the whole of humanity.

Whether it’s Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela, Buddha, Jesus Christ or Prophet Mohammed, they all went through much struggle and pain to arrive at the self-awareness to accept themselves fully. Only after that, could they then have enough self-compassion to offer love and compassion to the rest of humanity and as such alleviate much suffering and seal their destiny.

What Acceptance is not?

Acceptance is not resignation. It’s not about being passive and allowing life to happen onto us, but rather an active process, a preamble to change and becoming our best versions.

Acceptance does not mean limiting our possibilities but instead provides room for growth as we focus on our inner music and ignore all the noise that hovers in the background.

What we need for Acceptance?

Acceptance simply means that we need to step back and become more self-aware, examine mindfully what is happening within us and finally to open our heart to whatever we experience. The 3 principles are:

Self-awareness

Self-awareness is having the stoic understanding that we can’t change events outside of our control but that we can only change how we perceive it. The reality is that no event in itself can upset us, but rather how we judge that particular event.

The big picture of acceptance to me means that there is some kind of divine will at play which orchestrates the big things, while our own free will only works in the narrower playing field of our mind.

We can’t change the fact that the rains will come in May and perhaps a devastating flood will ensue. However, we can be ready for it and prepare the best we can.

When we focus only on what we can do, then not only are we happier, but also become more productive and effective as well.

Mindfulness

However, the problem arises when we can’t decipher between our feelings and that of the objective reality. This is when we need to examine what’s going on inside of us with the precision of a surgeon.

Tara Brach explains:

“The wing of clear seeing is often described in Buddhist practice as mindfulness. This is the quality of awareness that recognises exactly what is happening in our moment-to-moment experience. When we are mindful of fear, for instance, we are aware that our thoughts are racing, that our body feels tight and shaky, that we feel compelled to flee—and we recognise all this without trying to manage our experience in any way, without pulling away. Because we are not tampering with our experience, mindfulness allows us to see life ‘as it is.’ “

Another way of understanding what goes on within our mind is to meditate on Rumi’s poem,”The Guesthouse”:

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honourably.

He may be clearing you out

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice.

Meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes.

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

Compassion

Compassion is acceptance in action. It is easy to know what we must do but often difficult to practice it. It is compassion that can act as a bridge and make that problematic path easier to traverse.

However, it all starts with self-compassion. We can’t give out what we don’t have. So if our hearts are empty of love, then even when we give, we give very little.

Tara Brach continues:

“Compassion is our capacity to relate in a tender and sympathetic way to what we perceive. Instead of resisting our feelings of fear or grief, we embrace our pain with the kindness of a mother holding her child. Rather than judging or indulging our desire for attention or chocolate or sex, we regard our grasping with gentleness and care. Compassion honours our experience: it allows us to be intimate with the life of this moment as it is. Compassion makes our acceptance whole-hearted and complete.

When we consider all 3 principles at play, then Acceptance doesn’t sound like an act of resignation, but rather the most important step towards the never-ending ladder of self-awareness, self-growth and the freedom of being who we must be.

Stuck in Fight or Flight mode? Here are 3 Ways to Transcend it

 

fight-or-flight-mode
Photo Credit: Johann Walter-Bantz

Featured on Elephant Journal

For the past few months, it’s been tough for me to focus or maintain perspective. I end conversations with people before they even begin. A friend puts me down in a joking way, and I get ultra-sensitive and strike back. I snap easily. I’m irritable most of the time.

I’m not my new self anymore; I’m reacting rather than responding.

Recently, I yelled at a waiter for hovering close to my broken leg. After this outburst, I studied my journal and realised that in the past two months (since my double leg break), I’ve started to lose my way. I have endured my plight as best as I can, and I’ve certainly done much better than I would have a few years ago.

But it’s been challenging. I’ve slept badly because of the pain. I’ve felt worthless, needing help all the time. Worst of all, in losing the rigidity and consistency of my morning rituals and daily exercise, I’ve lost the bridge to my soul and the energy that it provides me.

I have failed miserably to follow Gandhi’s advice. When asked how he found time to meditate when busy, he said, “I have so much to accomplish today that I must meditate for two hours instead of one.”

However, I’m human. In battling the pain, discomfort and fears afflicting me, I inadvertently fell into fight or flight mode.

What is Fight or Flight Response?

This physiological (not psychological) response occurs in the body when we sense danger. The hypothalamus portion of the brain, when stimulated, initiates a sequence of nerve cell firings that raises the alarm by releasing chemicals like adrenaline, noradrenaline and cortisol into our bloodstream.

This prepares our body to either fight or run. In addition, it causes our pupils to dilate, our heart to beat faster, increasing blood pressure and circulation, and our breath to become rapid, giving us more oxygen. We feel hot and sweat more profusely. Our digestive system shuts down.

All these bodily changes work in our favour to help give us extra energy and strength to fight—or run.

This is all great and fantastic when we’re facing a Saber-toothed Tiger many thousands of years ago. And it’s helpful in crisis situations like putting out a fire or coping in a war zone.

But how many times do we find ourselves in these dangerous situations today? Our most significant threats are not physical, but rather mental and emotional. A looming work deadline, a public speaking gig, an argument with a loved one, banks sending warning letters.

The physiological changes in our bodies when we enter fight or flight mode are meant to last for a short period—just till we decide whether to run or face the danger. However, as our perceived threats extend indefinitely in time, we remain in a state of persistent arousal with limited opportunities to release the built-up tension. When we repeatedly react in this way over years or decades, cortisol takes over, and stress becomes our dominant state. This can then lead to many diseases and illnesses.

In this cortisol-induced state, our senses are heightened. We take every comment, question, and look as if it were an attack on our being. Rather than reflective, we become very much reactive.

We inherited this survival mechanism from our ancestors to help us evolve; however, it’s rarely helping us survive anymore.

It is this survival mechanism that has helped me recover from injury and protect my healing bone, but it has also turned me into a nervous wreck. One who screams at the nurse for leaning her hand on my damaged bone while removing the stitches, at the waiter on my first day out to a restaurant, or at a child running up and down the airplane corridor as I lie with my leg near his running space.

So how can we get out of this survival state? What is the opposite of fight or flight mode?

The Relaxation Response

The relaxation response was discovered by the inspirational author and Harvard cardiologist Herbert Benson, M.D. It represents a hard-wired antidote to fight or flight response. It’s important to understand that we can’t coexist in both states at the same time. We are either in a heightened state of survival—or relaxed.

In this relaxed mode, our breathing is normal, our blood pressure is regulated, and our muscles are soft. We are free from the emotional and physiological effect that clouds our judgement and thinking. We are more objective, seeing things for what they are. A letter from the bank is not a death warrant, but a reminder to get our accounts in order. An argument with our loved one doesn’t mean it’s over, just that we need to have a good discussion. Likewise, no one is going to hit my car, and the waiter won’t step on my injured leg. (Although, I don’t know about the kid using my leg as a hurdle.)

These are three ways I got out of fight or flight mode and back into relaxation response. I hope they may help you make the shift too.

1) Awareness

As I reflected on my behaviour through journaling and conversations with loved ones, I became objective enough to remove the feelings of self-pity clouding my thinking. I saw that I had become difficult, not much fun, and somewhat irritating. I compared myself before and after my accident and saw a big difference. This awareness was the first step to addressing the problem.

2) Mindfulness

I then quickly returned to my practice of meditating and reading first thing in the morning. Quieting my mind for 15 minutes and then reading mindfully for another 30 to 45 somehow takes me out of overthinking and into a great place of connection to my higher self.

A few weeks after my trauma, I tried reading an author I truly love, David Mitchell, and I just couldn’t read. Last week, I picked up Slade House once again—and finished it in two sittings.

3) Writing

The more I write and express myself, the more layers of ego I shed. Somehow the fears, worries and insecurities quickly begin to dissipate. When I put words on paper or laptop, it’s a cathartic act. It frees me from the shackles of survival mode.

Again, it took me a while before I could freely write again after my accident. I trace my re-awakening back to when I forced myself to write every day, even if it was only for 15 minutes.

For me, the key is writing. Others might substitute dancing, singing, painting, cooking, creating a new marketing plan, or whatever creative process supports them to enter into a relaxed state.

We’re not perfect. No matter how much we develop ourselves, we will always face challenges, crises, and defeats. Sometimes, we’ll slip unconsciously into fight or flight mode. However, it’s how we respond to these slips and get back into relaxation response that can distinguish our lives.

Whenever we see ourselves going the wrong way, away from the person we want to be or the person we want to be around, then it’s time for reflection. It’s time to notice that we have slipped into fight or flight mode, and it’s time for awareness, mindfulness, and creative action.

Have you fallen into this survival mode before? Could you be in it right now?

Don’t forget that the relaxation response is the antidote.

Why Failure is the Best Gift We Can Give our Children

the-gift-of-failureFeatured on Elephant Journal

“No one can build you the bridge on which you, and only you, must cross the river of life”~ Nietzsche

I sat on the bench facing the Savannah River in Georgia and journaled on the last few turbulent weeks of my trip to the States.

My daughter had just slept her first night in a college dormitory. My son had already left home three years prior, so I was preparing myself to go back to face an empty home and an entirely new life.

My parenting days were effectively over.

As I wrote, I repeated two words over and over: Let go.

It was time that I relinquished my protective nature. It was time to let go and let my daughter live her own life. It was time to allow her to experience the disappointments and frustrations that life inevitably brings.

I grew up the result of the old way of parenting, which is to say a mixture of laissez-faire and our parents being too self-involved to cater to our every need. I’m from the new generation; we handled parenting in the modern way, which meant we simply overprotected.

True, I’m generalizing, but there’s a lot of truth in what I’m saying, too.

We “modern parents” overprotect by interfering with our kids’ schooling and teachers’ judgments. “Don’t you think they deserve a higher GPA?” we ask the teacher, who then smiles awkwardly. We overprotect by engineering their friendships and pushing them to choose the kind of people our younger selves wanted to be with. We overprotect by monitoring their every move like a CIA agent trailing a drug lord.

Perhaps my generation overreacted to our parents’ lack of participation in our lives. Or maybe we have evolved and are more responsible and responsive to our children’s needs than they were. Either way, I feel that I’ve overprotected my kids.

I still remember when I was 11 and my parents sent me to get McDonald’s from a new branch in West London, which was almost an hour away.

We had recently moved to the UK, and needless to say, I got lost. I arrived back home three hours late, to my parents’ great relief. However, within that one exciting trip, I learned how to use the train, saw the new punk subculture live on the streets, and experienced so much about living in England.

I also recall driving in London at age 15, without a license or my parents’ knowledge. I’m not condoning my actions—I was lucky not to get caught or have any accidents—but I did learn how to drive and navigate the streets.

I ended up being the only one of my family and friends who passed my driving test the first time.

My parents gave me love, and lots of it, but often faltered in giving me direction. But the best gift they gave me was the opportunity to fail, and then learn from those failures.

That opportunity not only made me stronger, but also instilled in me a sense of responsibility and independence that has helped me in every aspect of my life.

I look at today’s generation and sense a mood of entitlement.

They expect things to be done for them. They shun responsibility and avoid making decisions.

After reading Jessica Lahey’s bestseller book, The Gift of Failure, and with much reflection on my own parenting over the years, I wish I could get my kids back for another four years (yes, I miss them that much!) so that I could change my ways.

I was trying my best as a parent and thought I was a great father. On reflection, however, many factors affected my parenting, not least of which ego and and a pull to acquiesce to society’s norms.

Do we want our kids to get the top grades, get onto the varsity soccer team, and be around the most popular people because of us—or them? How do we define what is “best” for them, anyway? Is it not based on our criteria and values, rather than theirs?

When we impose our likes, dislikes, and values on our kids, we rob them of their individuality and their own experiences. As Lahey says, “When parents try to engineer failure out of kids’ lives, the kids feel incompetent, incapable, unworthy of trust and utterly dependent.” They are, she argues, unprepared when, “failures that happen out there, in the real world, carry far higher stakes.”

I love the title of her book—“The Gift of Failure”—because learning how to navigate failure really is the greatest gift that we can bequeath our children. Especially when we also give them our undivided love and complete support.

Through failure, they will learn life-long lessons they could never learn otherwise.

I remember when my son was 12 and the varsity soccer head coach didn’t choose him on the first team. I was crestfallen for him, but also angry. I was coaching my own soccer team, which included my son, and many of the kids on my team were also on the varsity team. I also see myself as a soccer buff, as I’ve followed the sport for almost 40 years now.

I confronted the school’s head coach and went on to explain my opinion on his negative tactics, which saw the team lose their first few games. He unsurprisingly ignored my input and relegated my son to play in the B-team.

I was now absolutely livid and felt it was personal, till my son took me aside and told me in his gentle way that this was his fight, and he could handle it.

I swallowed my pride and the hurt I could see in my son’s eyes and stayed away.

A month down the line, my son managed to work his way back to the first team, and I was so proud—not because he was on the team, but because he did it his way. My son later told me that that incident marked his growing up, a kind of “rite of passage” event in his life.

A few weeks ago, I found myself in Bed, Bath & Beyond to get some of the furnishings my daughter needed for her new dorm room. I tried not to interfere, but couldn’t help myself… until my daughter screamed at me (in her not-so-gentle way) to sit outside and wait for her to finish the shopping.

It was a small move, but it signaled my time to pass the baton to her.

On the last day before her move, I walked her to the campus and explained that I loved her so much and that I would always be there for her. I didn’t need to say anything else, because she knew and was eager to enter the next chapter of her life.

I wanted to say (but couldn’t):

“I’m letting go now, and I understand it’s now your life, complete with your choices, actions, and results that will define you. I know that you will make mistakes—trust the wrong person, get on the wrong side of a few teachers, break your phone and have no money to repair it (and feel that you can’t tell me because you’ve taken responsibility).

I know you’ll be okay and that you might mess up once in awhile, but all that will pass as you learn to navigate your own failures. I trust you will know what to do”

Instead, I asked her for one thing only:

“Can you leave your “last seen” on in your WhatsApp?”

It was the only sign I had that she was breathing, over five thousand miles away.

She smiled.

I walked away, then cried all the way to my hotel.